Examples of Emotional Impact Letter?
0 comment posted: Friday, April 8th, 2022
Post-Trigger Emotional Hangover: A Vent
I really thought I was past the heavy ones. Really. They already suck and then any grace for myself goes out the window feeling sad that I still "allow" myself to be impacted by them at all. Where's my self-control and independence? Distorted thoughts, I know, but every time I'm just reminded how real and awful they are. And then I just feel sad that I have to feel any of it at all.
Today is a bit better, just needing a place to process a bit and tired of the usual places, I suppose. They've likely grown weary of me too, and that's okay. I've grown weary of still being in some of these places, too.
I think it's grief. Grief seems to be the only process that follows no stages or steps nor requires one feeling to process before another, or even at all. My grief today (and yesterday, when I was NOT in a great place in the least) I believe is two-fold:
1) Accepting, really (or even if just shifting into the next space), that I am on my own in this big, wide world. No one gives a flying fuck about me, nor are they required to. It's my job to give a FF. And I do, but I can't do it ALL the time. And it's a lonely feeling to let that sink in. Maybe it's an empath thing? It's hard for me to logically wrap my dendrites around NOT considering how other people feel and the impact I have on them, and them on me. To try and understand how someone can say they cared and loved about me or our family and simultaneously destroyed all of it.
2) Realizing, and maybe grasping some acceptance, through finally really looking at my H, his face, and how his body responds when there's any mention of his "priority" AP, that he still has feelings for her. There were several, but this one was The One. I've heard him say disparaging things about the others and all the sex workers, they were transactional. But not her. It's been nearly 5 years but he's still back there with her. He cares for her, he likes her, he caught big feels for her and still has them. I think... no, I know... I've been in denial about that. But I saw it the other day. I *felt* it in him. And it crushed me all over again.
So just feeling a little stuck. Yes, I have a therapist. Yes, we are doing disclosure and polygraph.
I thought I was just gonna be gung-ho, we'll get through this, it'll be okay, we're capable... I just have to keep going. It's possible if I get the right help... etc. ad nauseum.
This is the first time I've *really* ever questioned if I'll actually be able to get over that. This. All the things. It feels different. I feel different. Something either got pushed out of place or pushed back into place yesterday, I'm not sure.
4 comments posted: Thursday, April 7th, 2022
Therapeutic Disclosure Bombshell
It's been a hellish couple of years since DDay, but here we are. Trying, but it's Hail Mary season.
I don't suspect any wayward ever really *wants* to do a full disclosure, so I don't know why I'm surprised at my WH's hesitation and panic about it. We're doing it the right way, with professionals, after both of us have been in individual therapy. He got help for his substance abuse and has stayed sober for several months. But things have been increasingly tense, so it was not shocking, when pressed, he's confessed even after all this time and both of us busting our a-words to recover, heal, and try to reconcile, there are still things he hasn't told me. And he's 100% convinced the marriage will go up in flames once he does.
My problem here is what else is there left for him to have done?!?! EA with a coworker, PA with a coworker/friend's fiancee, years of pornography abuse/addiction, years of substance abuse, years and thousands and thousands of dollars spend on sex workers and erotic massages in our hometown, stateside while traveling for work, and internationally, also while traveling for work. He's been threatened with "visitors" to our home to expose him and extorted for money. The extend of the lying, cheating, and manipulating is disgusting. I asked him directly if he had any love child/ren out there, and the said not that he knows of, but that's not what he's been keeping from me.
All that's left, that I can think of is homosexual affairs/acting out (which I've already asked about, but he's denied, to date), some kind of assault, beastiality, or child porn. He's confirmed it's not anything illegal, so I guess that provides some comfort and we can cross off three of those things I just listed.
I guess I'm playing a game in my head of what is left, lol. Best case is it's all the same stuff, but he's been at it for a lot longer than he's lead me to believe.
It's a little sick, I know, but pick your brain with me and help me think of anything else? Maybe this is my way of hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.
27 comments posted: Wednesday, March 16th, 2022