Okay, here goes. I've waited to post my story because I didn't want to post in JFO, and now that I saw this is opened, I guess I'll dive in and do it.....Warning...it's gonna be long. I've dreaded this, and have told ONLY told ONE person IK, my sister. And, she hasn't really asked me much about it or offered any help since. At least, if she's judgmental about it, she hasn't said anything. I doubt I'll tell anyone else IK. We're staying together, and around here, most people just would NOT understand the men w men at all. It was hard enough to tell the story one time leaving out the gender without having to do it again (I told her the next time I talked to her.)
First, I want to say, it's been almost 4 1/4 months since D-day. His A has been over for 1 1/2 yrs. He has full transparency,lets me see all his devises, etc. My husband & I are doing great. (It took awhile to get here, but it's looking like it'll be worth it!). I've read & read all I can. We are reading books, and then reading them out loud together and discussing them...My H has read: "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" twice now. I highly recommend it. We also read "Healing from Infidelity"..another good one.
Now, we're working on the Communication books (how to, without arguing)...we needed those! We're going out on dates. He's buying me flowers, texting & calling me throughout the day (he has his own business & goes to houses & businesses during the day. I also use "find my iPhone", and he's always where he's supposed to be *he always did his 'stuff' during work hours. (Since we're moving in the right direction;or, i should say, HE is, trust is the next thing I'm working on, and the find my Iphone will be stopped soon)**BTW, I've forgiven him..took some real study, thought and prayer. On our anniversary, I told him "I ahve something I want to tell you. It's a gift to you, and to me. something big: I forgive you". I'll never forget the look on his face. He thought I'd NEVER forgive him. Heck, I never thought I'd forgive him. He thanked me,(in such a way that makes my heart swell..and it hasn't done that in a year & a half),and thanked me for giving him another chance. Anyway, I know there's a lot to come, and we're aware of this, but, as I'll explain, we've discussed the problems associated with all of this. SO.......(yes, this is L---O----N------G. sorry. But, it took almost 1 1/2 years from the start to d-day.
March 6, 2018, my H came to me with his iPad to ask a question. What he didn't know was that there was a photo of a naked man on it . He looked shocked and said "I don't know where that came from! You know how things like that get sent to you!"...I told him it wasn't an email, it was a web page; CL, to be exact. That you have to click to get the site, click on the subject, etc.....; He still couldn't "figure" out how it got there. Well. he had NEVER done anything (that I was aware of) to be suspicious of in our 14 1/2 years together. He was kind, ran all errands for me (I'm chronically ill, and he does ALL the shopping), helped with anything I needed, our sex life was good, etc....BUT, I couldn't let that rest with me. SO, the next day (Wed)when he left for work, I checked his computer (I had NEVER checked his devices in all the time we'd been together...that's how much I trusted him!)...The FIRST thing I saw was an email labeled "SEX"...aghhhhhhhh! It was to the CL guy, and said: my name is..., I am married, live in..., and seems we're interested in the same things (the ad said the guy could keep it hard for 4 hrs, liked to suck,fuck, etc), and I'll be in town tomorrow (this was written Sunday) and would like to meet with you"......MY WORLD AS I KNEW IT FELL APART! and will never be the same.
I printed it, called him and told him I needed him to come home now. He asked if everything was all right...I just said 'no'. When he got here, I threw the email at him, and he told me he didn't go. It didn't feel right. well, to me, just the intent was bad enough. so, the next thing..WHY????
I didn't really get an answer..a few days later he said (get this): "I did it for excitement.....sort of like rock wall climbing"........WTF??????? Comparing sex to rock wall climbing?? (I hadn't even thought much about it being a man..I was so shocked that he would do this at all. I knew he had sex with men when he was doing drugs years ago, but he cleaned up in 2000 *so, he did this clean & sober...so called, 'working' an AA program (he'd slacked off).,,not practicing the principles!
So, for a month or so, I kept asking...heck, we seemed to have a good marriage. No arguments, good sex (I hadn't really noticed, but it had gone from about once or so to every 2 weeks ..about.....(we are getting older....heck, my first husband, who passed away when I turned 50, couldn't even have sex for the last 8 years due to his heart... I understand aging problems)...we like the same things..& so forth...so I couldn't figure out why?
Finally, I sat him down about 1-2 months later & said there HAS to be a reason. I asked did he just want to have sex with a man? He finally said he had always liked to have sex with both women and men. (he thought I'd leave him for that). this was the least of my problems! I told him I was going to start looking in his computer, phone, etc. He said fine, nothing there..HA! trying to shorten this(it won't be by much), I found lots of porn; dating sites, with emails to men on the sites (the emails were deleted); gay dating sites, with his profile photo having his lower naked body !!!! ...and, then, after about 9 months (it went back a long way), sent in 2012, I found an email "Sorry I Missed You" with a video attached of my H jerking off to completion! I was mortified. He was sending porn of himself soliciting sex over the internet! I asked him what he missed and he said...."I don't remember. It was 6 years ago." I told him I don't care how long ago it was. If I did that, I'd remember ALL my life! He had to have either missed a phone call or a meeting/date. (Later, when honesty came in, he said it had been a meeting/date)
The entire time we went through all this TT, he kept telling me ..ADAMANTLY, in my face!...(he protested TOOOOOO much).... I'VE NEVER MET ANY OF THESE MEN FACE TO FACE!!! Until, I found his Gmail email list (it was in the basic version, not the regular one..no "contacts"in it.) One day slow internet wouldn't let me pull it up, so had to pull up basic version, and his "little black book" was there. You could tell by the email names that they were sex toy boys. I showed it to him, and that's when he 'remembered' (always knew) ..more TT... one was 80..too old; one was a hoarder; another was (i can't remember), and so on. He said he only went to see about 4-5 of them, and none of them met his 'standards'. SO, he never had sex with any of them... (believe it or not, I DO believe him, because he went elsewhere..see below). However, if he had approved of any of them, he would have had sex right then & there. So, as far as I'm concerned he's been cheating since he started emailing & visiting men. It's another thing he "doesn't remember"..WHEN(exactly) he started looking online or WHEN he started going to see them. So, I'll go as far back as to say it was just a couple of years after we were married. That means he's only NOT cheated the first 2 years and the last 1 1/2 years of our 15 yr marriage
Anyway, even near the beginning, I found a contact in his phone with the name "David" ...no last name, no designation, like a company or 'petrified wood' (he had an ongoing ad looking for it), etc....Just "David". When I checked the AT&T records, I noticed that he texted David once every 2 weeks and David texted him back once. This went on as far back as the records went (about 1 1/2yrs), and they stopped Jan, 2018. I asked about him, and H blew it off..so, nothing until about April 2019, when I asked again because I had also found that he had blocked "David", which was strange since H always initiated the texts, not David. When I told him again of all of the information, this time he got angry and accused me of accusing him for no reason:RED FLAG, and also that he didn't remember who it was!another RED FLAG!...He had texted him every 2 weeks for at least 1 1/2 years! how could he "forget" who it was?????
I dropped it, but couldn't forget it. We were getting along, and decided to bring it up when we were calm. I mentioned to him how he acted last time, and this time he listened intently, and when I was through (he still tried to TT), he said, "we met once and had sex"... I asked why he texted for so long if it was just once, and he finally told me they had ongoing sex. I was totally devastated, of course. I'd been expecting he had sex with someone after all of this. I would have suspected him all of my life if he hadn't come clean, so I knew something was up, but I wasn't ready for a 2+year affair!
I asked if he met him online. Turns out, he gave up online after so many failures and started going to the local porn video store that has little dirty rooms in the back playing porn 24 hrs a day for men to go & masterbate (and 2 men to do their thing, too). He met him there, and since they were both married, almost the same age, and he figured the other guy was 'safe' (He wasn't 'sleazy' like a lot of others...,I told my H, HE was one of those "sleazy" guys!, that they decided to keep seeing each other. Anyway (this has TMI for some), they went into these rooms and there was a bench ...the floors were sticky from men doing their thing...(ughhhh)...so they had to stand. One stood on the bench, while the other sucked. then, vice/versa. YES< this was in my mind for a long time!
As far as the gay/bi thing goes; I've done a lot of research, and talked to my H about it, as I was concerned for him, and also our future. As far as being gay: he didn't even know they guy's last name. (I found out with Truthfinder) I thought they quit seeing each other because the AP moved away (truthfinder)..He didn't know that either. So, I don't think he's gay, and neither does he. But, he is bi. The reason he quit texting the guy the last time he did, the AP's wife called my H back and asked who it was . Scared him off . Of course, I would have rather he had stopped it because he wanted to. but...
I asked if they ever kissed, and you should have seen the look on his face. It disgusted him. They had only met at that video place, nowhere else. Just hi; did their thing; bye. no emotional attachment at all. I think that has made it easier for me than having to work through the emotions he would have had with a woman; as well as thinking about all the positions, places they went, things they did, things they said to each other, etc...this was all hi/bye, thank you guy. just sex. Not that it makes it ANY less cheating, even though he says he tried to convince himself that since it wasn't in competition with me that it wasn't...but, he knew it was.
He definitely likes women best. I believe that. I know he'll always think about men, but he's treating that like another addiction. It's something he just started liking to do, and got caught up in it. I have to either live with that or not. I understand addiction, and know it has to be worked on, and not swept under the rug. He has promised me that if he ever gets to feeling the urges to do anything, that he will come to me. He says now that it's out (only to me. no one else knows), he feels free to talk about it to me. He's opened up recently like he never did before. We'll just keep trying, and not go back to just riding the wave, like we did before.It may have been 'fun', but it lead to the worst thing I've ever been through.
[This message edited by SusanneH at 12:27 PM, October 14th (Monday)]