Newest Member: AcesEights

BallofPain

Choosing an IC

It's been a day since DDay and I'm in the process of choosing an IC. I have the choice between two that have a different approach. It's hard for me to gauge what works from a 20 minute free consultation though.

The first one: I felt I was able to really open up to her. She would point out things that might've had a hand in causing the affair. I felt like she was working with me rather than at me. The only concern is whether or not she might lead me down a path where I don't own my actions, where I can justify it because of family issues or even blame the AP (I still have a problem with that).

The second one: She seemed very knowledgeable but I felt I couldn't open up as much because she wanted to keep explaining and talking. She was very direct and I feel she wouldn't take any BSing on my part. But I found that she pointed out less stuff as the first one. My concern with this one is that I wouldn't be able to open up as much. But her approach might be better for a wayward who needs to open her eyes.

I ask you guys what criteria to look for in an IC. One that gives me the best chance to face what I've done and quit hiding or running from it.

2 comments posted: Thursday, July 2nd, 2020

Finally broken

This is incredibly hard for me to type down. All I feel right now is shame and disgust at myself.

I had an FWB for the last 3 years. It was always made clear that we were to remain FWB, nothing more.

Eventually, this past year, I found someone I wanted to be in a relationship. It was long distance. He came to visit. We enjoyed our time together and he left back to his country.

I think I was addicted to the feeling of having him around that I wanted to fill that gap. So, I sought out the FWB and had sex with him a couple of times. That was when the FWB said he had feelings for me. I didn't feel comfortable having sex with him after that. I don't understand why. From there, he held the affair over my head, saying how easy it would be to find contact info for my bf. I got scared. He reminded me time and time again how he was always there for me. That if my bf were to find out, he would be gone.

I began telling a series of lies to my bf. Maybe, I wanted the emotional connection. But the threat always hung over my head. My boyfriend grew wise to things and I would always tell a TT.

Today, he made the ultimatum. Either the FWB or him. I thought, it best for him to hear it all from me. No more TT. I told him everything. Laid it out. He is rightfully done with me now. I have no intention of going back with the FWB. I feel a sense of freedom finally. But there is an unsettling thought in my head. What if I had continued lying? If I had, this would have all been avoided. I could have pinned it all on the FWB and left the PA out of it. Why didn't I do that? I keep telling myself it's better this way that I didn't keep the lies going. But, it still hurts so much. Why does it hurt?

I hate what I have become. I hate that I was able and willing to do this to someone. I'm a mad hatter. Hell, why am I still even thinking about myself? My now ex is now gone. But, I just feel so much pain for what I did to him.

[This message edited by BallofPain at 4:44 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]

9 comments posted: Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

EA. What have I done?

I never expected myself to come back here on this side of things.

I started an EA with a man while I was still dating someone. I want to do everything I can for my boyfriend to feel safe. I feel it is too little too late but I want to try. Most importantly, I don't want this to happen again. I don't want to do this to anyone again.

I'm scared that I will not be able to change myself. In fact, being on this side of the table, how do I know I regret my actions and not regret that I got caught?

2 comments posted: Tuesday, June 16th, 2020

Grey's Anatomy

Mostly the show rather than the book. However, you can post tidbits about the book!

I love this show so much! My friend first recommended this show saying "You need to watch Grey's Anatomy. We can totally relate. We are Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang".

I watched the first episode and I got hooked as I saw some of myself as Yang. I continued watching the series. It was what got me through the rough times as I was able to relate to Yang, Alex, George and finally, Callie.

2 comments posted: Thursday, October 22nd, 2015

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