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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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SurvivedJuly posted 11/27/2016 12:44 PM

Trippd, I'm so sorry you are finding this out. Many of us are much older and have to start over, late in life. I'm one of them.

My opinion is, if you learned the truth about him this early, you are lucky. It's hard to wrap your head around it, took me more than a year. Take pics of evidence so you can revisit them when it seems impossible to believe. Then ask yourself if this is the life you want for yourself and your daughter. Always checking on him and doubting everything he says.

I didn't want that, and I knew I could make it without him. So I did. Wishing you strength and courage on this devastating journey.

Trippd posted 11/28/2016 14:23 PM

Thank you all for your support and nice words ❤️ I really feel like this might be the only thing keeping me going.
@HowIsThisReal, It's exactly how I feel. Half of our relationship is just lies. Do you have happy moments? Was it worth it to stay? Can all the lies ever be forgiven?
He says and acts like he wants to try so hard and I want to forgive but there's a big part of me that I don't think will ever forget. I keep thinking about the lies and the connections he made and he had all of his fun and did what he wanted to benefit himself. And it feels like this whole "giving him another chance" is all for him too. I told him I'd give him 6 months where I make no decisions and I think that might have been a mistake. Everything that's happened and is happening has all been to benefit him. Where do I come in? When does something work in my favor? Why can't I be selfish? I want to be cherished and worshipped but I don't want him to touch me or get close to me.
@SurvivedJuly, that's another thing is that I keep thinking, I'm young I have a life ahead of me, just leave!! So much of me is going into this R process with a negative mind. I don't want to, I want to leave, I feel like I owe it to our relationship to stay and give him a chance. Why!how! Could he do this? When do I get to be happy?

Does anybody have any advice of things I can do or think to make this easier on me? I really want to try but I am fighting myself so much because I also really don't. It hurts so much and I just want something to be done for the sake of making me happy. Does anyone understand?
It's only been a week. When will these feelings subside?

BallofPain posted 11/28/2016 19:51 PM

Be easy on yourself, Trippd. Your mind has sustained a huge trauma. Basically, it's the equivalent of getting hit by a train, then hit by a truck right after. It takes time to heal from that.

Everyone's timeline is different. It took me nearly 3 months to smile or laugh again. It took me a month to eat full meals again.

What I did was distract myself. Is there something you've always wanted to do? A sport or something you've always wanted to try?

HowIsThisReal posted 11/28/2016 20:59 PM

@HowIsThisReal, It's exactly how I feel. Half of our relationship is just lies. Do you have happy moments? Was it worth it to stay? Can all the lies ever be forgiven?

At just over a year out, yes we have many happy moments, but I will tell you, my FWH was a great candidate for R and it still has NOT been easy emotionally.
At around 6 months in, my anger and rage came rolling in, and it was NOT pretty.
The names I called him, the vivid descriptions I used to embarrass him, the things I'd say to emasculate him and make him feel as hurt as I was.
I can't say that I'd be able to sit and take it, if the tables were turned, but he just took it all in stride.

That behavior/anger/hurt in me, only started to subside a little over a month ago, so it's been one hell of a ride so far. Even in between those horrible times though, when I was having a good day, we had happy moments.

I can't yet say if it was worth it in the long run, I'm not that far into R.

At THIS time, and only because of how truly remorseful he's been, I do think it was worth it to stay.
So far it's been worth not disrupting my kids' lives, not losing 50% of my time with them, arguing over who gets them on which holidays, being unable to control who he brings around them and what they're exposed to. It's been worth not starting my romantic life over as a single mom with 3 kids and a shit ton of baggage, worth not having to get a FT job to make ends meet, or having to deal with the fallout of this shitstorm without him there to hold me up when I break down.

My FWH now treats me like a queen.

He's been humble & visibly ashamed (I'd never seen him cry prior to d-day), when I slashed him with verbal attacks.
He changes the channel if anything involving sex comes on TV.
He changes the radio station if he thinks the song will trigger me.
He answers all questions, even the stuff about him being with men, and it makes him extremely uncomfortable and you can almost see him emanating shame and embarrassment when we talk about it.
He's talked to his IC about his sexual identity and he's had some deep introspection regarding his actions, he still feels certain that he is not gay or bi.
He is so disgusted with himself and hates to face this issue in the "light of day", but he does talk about it, when I ask.

And he is on top of things like cleaning the house, he gets the kids up for school daily to make it easier on me, he puts gas in my car, he literally moved states away from his family to be with me, near my family... because I couldn't stay in that area, where I could look at people in the grocery store and wonder if he'd fucked them.

Every day he's trying to do things to make my life easier because he hurt me SO much and completely altered the relationship that we had. Not to mention, he feels so guilty that I was diagnosed with PTSD because of him.

This whole year, I have been very raw with my emotions, I've never held anything back for HIS comfort, I am upfront what's bothering me. If I trigger, I tell him. If I'm having mind movies of him f*cking a man or woman, I tell him.
If I suddenly wonder whether he did this or that, out of the blue, I ask him right then and there as long as we aren't around anyone.

I've literally told my FWH that now in our M, NOTHING that I do (barring me cheating, myself) would ever be as bad as what he's done. That any complaint he has, I will be able to counter it with his disgusting infidelity, and if he can't accept a M like that, then he should walk away now before we both waste our time. He didn't walk away.

As far as the lies being forgiven, I'll likely never *forgive* him, I'll just (hopefully) eventually accept that it happened and be able to be ok with that.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 7:05 AM, November 29th (Tuesday)]

Trippd posted 11/29/2016 07:03 AM

Thank you so much for sharing

Trippd posted 11/29/2016 09:52 AM

With the app accountable2you...does that just work on android or iPhone too? As far as I can tell it's only for android but we have iPhones and I'm hoping to find something that shows me texts and browser history even if they get deleted as well as gps.

HowIsThisReal posted 11/30/2016 08:18 AM

I'm not sure, we have androids, but it will show you everything that happens on the phone. It's basically a keylogger but the results are filtered by app and stuff. It's $4.99/month for unlimited devices.

sisoon posted 11/30/2016 10:13 AM

I wasn't asked, but I'll respond anyway.

Almost 6 years out from d-day, life is almost completely back to normal - a new normal, in which I often remember that my W cheated on me, but that's just an annoyance now. We're sort of back to boring ... we've never had an exciting life, IMO, though some people think we have (we both learned exotic languages, and we lived overseas a couple of times, but that wasn't by design; it just happened).

W is still in therapy dealing with the co-dependence that led to her A, but neither her IC (who is also our MC) nor I think she's at risk of cheating again. We raise and resolve issues with each other. We support each other. We both do our best to maximize our fun activities, and I find a lot of joy in life. (W is getting there.)

We've been in A season since August, but I didn't realize it until 2 weeks ago; 2 years ago, I assure you I knew, and I probably knew last year, too. Remembering it has been sort of an 'Oh, yeah - I remember now' experience - not a big deal in any way.

Having said all the above, my W committed to ending her co-d on d-day, irrespective of whether I wanted to stay together or not, and her IC/ our MC is extremely competent, so she's had a lot of support.

She's apparently bi-sexual, at least to some extent, but she clearly enjoys sex with me and has committed to being only with me as long as we are both alive. That's good enough for me.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:15 AM, November 30th (Wednesday)]

HowIsThisReal posted 11/30/2016 18:44 PM

It's good that you can accept that she's bisexual.

I'm not sure I could go on with R if my FWH ends up being bi. I think I'd always be on the defense, because I'd wonder if he was checking out everyone. Hell I wonder that now and I can't live the rest of my life like that.

My FWH's old therapist said I focus too much on labels. But it's not who I thought he was, so I can't help that.

My FWH still very much enjoys sex with me, or at least he seems to. So I guess it's hopeful that he isn't full out gay.

On another note, I fell back down the rabbit hole recently and for the past 2 days we have had a really hard time. I'm having lots pf triggers and mind movies. I'm berating him and making him feel emasculated again.

I'm hoping the mood shifts upward again for me soon.

He wants me to see an IC and I keep putting it off so now he thinks maybe I don't want to get better. I think I'm holding onto the pain as protection.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 7:27 PM, November 30th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 12/1/2016 12:04 PM

I'm not sure I could go on with R if my FWH ends up being bi. I think I'd always be on the defense, because I'd wonder if he was checking out everyone.

I've always checked out pretty much everything that comes into my range of vision, and I really enjoy seeing attractive women. My W knows I look. It's at least partly an artifact of ADD, and it's partly an artifact of really liking living with her. But I'll have sex only with my W, and she's always known that.

Also, if I see, say, a dozen attractive women a week, I have to take a couple of seconds to turn my sexual focus to my W a dozen times - 24 seconds. If my W sees 2 dozen potential sexual partners, she has to turn her focus to me 2 dozen times - 48 seconds. I don't think that's a big deal, though you and others might.

The big question revolves around the boundaries your H builds, not around the myriad opportunities that are all around us.

If he builds his boundaries, you can R (if you want) and have confidence in him. If he doesn't build boundaries, he's a whole lot of betrayals waiting to happen.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:07 PM, December 1st (Thursday)]

Trippd posted 12/1/2016 15:58 PM

If he builds his boundaries, you can R (if you want) and have confidence in him. If he doesn't build boundaries, he's a whole lot of betrayals waiting to happen.

I've heard a lot about BS setting boundaries for the WS but what kind of boundaries should the WS set for themselves? I feel this is the first time I have heard this and I would like to know more about it. Should the BS suggest he set his own boundaries? Should BS give him examples or should it be something he thinks of doing on his own without being prompted to do so?

sisoon posted 12/2/2016 10:32 AM

In this sense, people can't set boundaries for others, at least for other adults; we can set boundaries only for ourselves.

For example, I could not make my W come clean. I could, however, give her a choice between coming clean and D. (I really meant it - I would have started D if she didn't answer my questions honestly.)

I really like women. Since I don't see how I can maintain multiple simultaneous sexual relationships, I had to set some limits for myself, to wit: since getting together with my W, I don't say, write, or do much of anything that I don't want my W to hear or see. I created that boundary to make my life safer and more enjoyable. It benefits me, and I'm not about to violate it.

That's one type of boundary WSes need to adopt for themselves.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 12/10/2016 13:05 PM

Dear friends,

I'm sorry that I haven't posted anything during this time.

My aunt was in the hospital almost 3 months and that was so painful for the entire family.

She died last monday and I am destroyed because I loved her so much and because I feel more alone than ever in my whole life.

When other members of the family died I had hopes and dreams, friends and there was always more from life to help me during the loss and grief but now I feel more alone than ever and I am more aware than ever of my loneliness.

Each one of my cousins is either married with kids or divorced with kids and I am the only one who never had kids and I feel like a huge failure.

I guess it's all part of infidelity and with the christmas approaching I wish I could hide from the entire world.

Thanks for listening

Trippd posted 12/10/2016 18:31 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your aunt. I don't know what I would do if my aunt died, I know it's inevitable but I love her as if she were my mother. I'm sorry about the pain you're going through. ((Hugs))

Lovingmyselfmore posted 12/10/2016 19:13 PM

Trippd thank you,

She was very special, like a mother.

and I lived with her for a while I wish I had a SO more than ever.


LavaBear posted 12/11/2016 11:36 AM

I need advice.
After my husband told me about his infidelity a few weeks ago, I screwed up. I forgave him far too quickly and without consequence. I wanted him to see a therapist, which I think he half heartedly called a few places but never got call backs. So I let it slide cause it was thanksgiving, I had a business trip coming up, and I wanted to stop feeling so horrible. So before my trip last weekend, I am trying to pack and he's completely ignoring me, trying to watch tv while I bustle around the room. The next morning he takes me to the airport and he's completely silent unless I say something to him. I was excited for this trip, we both thought a bit of space would be good for us. But he just shut down.
When I get back from the trip, our 3yo had spent the last 5 days with his mother and he had been working at home. He said he got no sleep because he missed me and was sad and blah blah blaaahhhh. He didn't get out of the car to help me with my bags, to hug me, or to really appear happy to see me at all.
So for the next couple of days he's acting very strangely, just not himself.
Then a few days ago I wake up to find flowers, a cryptic note, and our car gone.
He texts me that he's ok and he had to talk to his friend. I asked what was going on and he said he can't tell me, but it's why he's been acting so strange.
At this point I'm done. I pack him a bag and leave it outside. He wasn't responding to my texts, but I tell him he needs to bring the car back, and that he wasn't welcome inside.
I left the keys for our old spare car in the bag. When they got back he took it. I told him he can come back after he gets therapy. I'm done with high school games and the drama.
So he manages to find a therapist That evening, and he said he had a good session. The therapist called me to confirm that yes he did go and took the session seriously. I didn't ask any questions about what they talked about, but was glad to hear that.
I did make him sleep at a motel that night.
He comes home the next day and days he didn't sleep and was exhausted so I let him shower and rest.
That afternoon we had a long conversation and it ended with the boundaries I needed, one of them being him sleeping on an air mattress in the office.
So what do I do now? He has another appointment scheduled for Monday with the therapist. We both want to reconcile. I feel like such a bitch, but I wanted him to take me seriously. I just don't know where to go from here.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 12/11/2016 19:55 PM


I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I feel like such a bitch, but I wanted him to take me seriously.

You are not a bich, you are just doing what you needed to do to protect yourself from more damage.

Sometimes when we are in abusive relationships we are used to so much abuse and maybe that's why you are feeling like you shouldn't put into place any boundaries.

If I were you ---knowing what I know now-- I would be watching all the time his actions, not his words and being very careful that he is not cheating anymore.

Reconciling is very difficult and a long process that may or may not work.

So be prepared for anything.

Are you in IC?

HowIsThisReal posted 12/11/2016 20:15 PM

You are absolutely not being a bitch. You are protecting yourself.

I left out of state, with my kids for a week after d-day and I left with no warning, while my WH was at work. I texted him when I was almost 2 hours away.

He didn't think I'd do that, it shocked the fuck out of him, and made him realize he was about to lose everything. He realized I was strong enough to walk away if I needed to and it scared him into reality.

There has to be some kind of wake up call to let them know we aren't fucking around. Don't feel like a bitch. Once his actions are consistently making you feel safer you can re-evaluate what you feel comfortable with.

Lifeexploded posted 12/22/2016 14:24 PM

Trippd, my husband was also involved with people, mostly men, on CL. Luckily, the farthest it went was receiving a hand job one time. He does readily admit it probably would have went further if he hadn't been caught.

You can basically demand anything you want at this point. He's the one who screwed up and if he wants to make the relationship work he is going to need to an up.

We also use accountable2you. I have it on both of our phones (android), our laptop, our pc, and our daughters tablet (she's a teenager). I love it. I also use sms tracker on his phone. It shows text, calls, location, some phone information, etc. I have the passwords to his email, facebook, etc. He doesn't even know the passwords. He's fine with it because he knows it is going to take work to rebuild my trust. We are a one income family and I manage the money, and he gets spending money in his account each week. He is required to take pictures of his receipts with his phone so I know he isn't buying something he shouldn't (like gifts for someone else and also he is a recovering alcoholic). I have what is called a safety plan. It lists things he isn't allowed to do and the consequence for each thing. For example, if he views porn or gets on Craigslist, then he sleeps out of our bedroom for a certain amount to of time. Things like that.

As for why men? He swears he isn't gay.
After discovery, it came out that he was molested by a female babysitter, one of his father's girlfriends , his stepfather, and also he recently recalled a repressed memory of being sodomised by his own father. His counselor said his actions and sex addiction are really no surprise to her at all.he is currently having EMDR therapy to help him heal from these traumas and others (he was also physically and verbally abused). I highly recommend it.

Don't make a decision right away, but remember that you call the shots. Also, believe actions, not words. Words mean nothing from the ws at this point.

I wish you the best of luck, I know how painful this is! We all do.

HowIsThisReal posted 12/22/2016 22:30 PM

my husband was also involved with people, mostly men, on CL. Luckily, the farthest it went was receiving a hand job one time. He does readily admit it probably would have went further if he hadn't been caught.

That's kind of how it started with men for my FWH. He actually started cheating with women, but real women on CL were few and far between. He emailed back and forth with someone he assumed was a woman for a week, and the person disclosed that he was a man right before they were about to meet. He objected, the guy talked him into giving my FWH a BJ and once that shameful line was crossed, he didn't give a shit what gender he got off with.

He preferred women but if they couldn't be found, men would do. And eventually he mosty posted ads in the M4M section because they are a dime a dozen on CL (has anyone ever looked? It's insane how many married men are sleeping with men!).

He gave me his password to CL and I got to see all of his (descriptive) ads first hand, some posting in M4M and some posting in M4W. He just didn't care what gender, as long as they were available.

My FWH also ensured physical abuse from his step father, witnessed inappropriate things at a young age (around age 6) and as an adolescent, he witnessed his mother having sex with someone she was cheating on his step father with.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 10:35 PM, December 22nd (Thursday)]

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