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Newbies: Mind movies and dark thoughts - how to stop them


 heartbroken_kk (original poster member #22722) posted at 9:07 AM on Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015

Are you absolutely miserable and suffering horribly with random bouts of crying, wanting to curl up in a little ball and never get out of bed, prone to extreme angry outbursts, etc. and all because of the thought or memory that just popped up in your head, unrequested, unwelcome, uncontrolled? And now you can't stop thinking about it? Over and over?

I want to tell you about something I learned to do while I was in those terrible deep dark days after D-day 1, after D-day 3, after D-day 6, after separation, when I desperately wanted to feel better but my situation was imploding all around me.

Change your thoughts.

If what your WS is doing or has done is tormenting you and you can't get it out of your head, here is some practical step-by-step advice for finding peace.

First notice your thoughts.

This is also called mindfulness. You have an inner world that is separate and distinct from what goes on outside your head. Your emotions can be triggered by both your inner world and your outer world. Getting control over what is going on in your head will help you FEEL BETTER emotionally because you will have fewer triggers that make you feel sad, angry, or afraid.

Try to name what TYPE of thing it is that's going on in your head.

A MEMORY of something that REALLY happened, like reading an email or picking up a phone and seeing a text, or seeing a receipt, or a hickey, or whatever. You are recalling something that actually happened and replaying it like pushing rewind on a movie. Mind movies.

A THOUGHT such as wondering if that "meeting" your WS has to go to is really for work or is really a hookup. Your brain is puzzling, having a question or idea in mind. You think it could be A but it also could be B. You're pretty sure it's A. How would you test if it's A? Investigation mode.

A FANTASY where you IMAGINE something that you didn't directly experience. You imagine your WS in a hotel room with another affair partner. You imagine their sex acts without you in them. You start with an idea or thought but take it down a speculative path, playing out possible scenarios.

CATASTROPHIZING which is a kind of imagination but more about you playing out your fears. You imagine you will have to move out and you'll be living in your car. You imagine going to pick up your kids at school but they've been taken and abducted by WS.

You FEEL an emotion, like despair, or helplessness. It takes over your body, pulling tears from your eyes, making you sink into your chair. Anger makes you get up and pace about the house, fists clenched, teeth grinding.

Many of these kinds of mental processes are not really helpful, particularly if you get stuck in a loop RUMINATING and playing over the same memories, fantasies or catastrophes again and again, or you get so stuck in your emotional state that you can't break out of it.

So how do you break out of ruminating and get your brain back in control so you feel better?

Actively choose an alternate thought.

You need to come up with about 3 different alternate thoughts that you practice thinking about. It helps if you can work out these thoughts into a "standard" or "go to" thought by repeating them to yourself when you are not stressed, as an exercise. My IC gave this to me as a homework exercise and I believe it was one of the most important things I ever got out of therapy. I have a VERY active brain and my ruminating was making me miserable.

Here are some of my go to alternate thoughts. I still use them on occasion.

Making salad. I like salads with a lot of ingredients.

OK. What do I have in the fridge? I imagine pulling the door open and sliding out the crisper and I try to remember what I last saw in there. I try to remember which salad dressings I have. I think about other ingredients in the cupboard, like croutons, raisins, pine nuts, anchovies. How about the fruit bowl? Do I have an apple or pear? Cheese? Do I have a chunk of blue, or parmesan? Meat, how about that leftover grilled chicken breast? I pick a type of salad to make. If I need ingredients I imagine going to the store to buy them and walking through the produce department to pick them out. I play that movie in my mind's eye. I select the bowl I will put the salad in when I get home. Is this a whole meal salad for one, or a family meal where the salad will be shared? Next I watch myself put the ingredients on the counter and start chopping and adding things to the salad bowl. I choose the order of processing the ingredients and I play the movie of me making my salad. Next I imagine me sitting at the table and looking at the salad and being grateful for having nutritious food. I imagine a moment of deep breathing and relaxation before I eat.

Going for a hike with my dog.

I have a favorite bench in a big park a short drive from my house. I imagine getting ready. I put my boots on and find my water bottle. I put my hair up in a ponytail and get a ball cap. Sunscreen or rain coat? I get the leash. I try to calm the dog down because she's so ecstatic we are going for a walk. I imagine opening the car door so she can jump in. I put my day pack in the back. I visualize driving the route to the park trailhead, following the roads and making the turns I need to do. At the trailhead I get out and try to get the leash on the dog before she bolts out the door. I put on my pack and lock the car. I stop at the kiosk and look at the trail map and I grab a poo bag. I walk out the 50 yards my dog needs before doing her business, then I pick it up and walk back to the trash can and drop the bag there. Then I start my hike. I choose the left loop or the right loop to the bench. I visualize walking past that huge oak tree and then the steep climb up the hill to the junction. Next I imagine myself stopping to catch my breath at the top. I practice "sit" with my pup in the next stretch and work on her manners not pulling on the leash. We get to the meadow and I let her off leash and throw the stick for a while. We walk out through the berry patches. Then we turn left and hike out through the pines to the vista point where the bench is. I have her sit in front of me and I sit on the bench and take in the view, noticing the city to the left, the ridgeline to the right. I center myself over my seatbones and take ten deep breaths. I feel gratitude that someone had the vision to protect this land and make it into a park. I listen for the sound of the chickadees and play their calls in my head while I breath in the fresh air.

Working on my backlog of car maintenance.

I run through the list of things my car needs. I have a stain on my passenger side door mat where my coffee mug rolled over and leaked. I need to pull that out and hose it off. My windows have pup nose smears on them. I need windex. The rear wiper blade is cracked and leaves a streak. I need to find a place that carries that size. I have a slow leak in my right front tire. I need to find the paperwork where I got the tires, which store was it? I need to take it in to have them fix the leak and rotate the tires. I should do ask about an alignment while I'm at it, there's a shimmy in the steering wheel at 75mph. I should pull out all the towels that have dog hair and trail dirt on them and wash and replace. It might be time for an oil change, I need to look at the odometer, it might be pushing 3500 since last service. Oh, and that damn S belt squeals when I start it up in the cold. Probably needs an adjustment on the pulley. I visualize doing the things I can at home and then making an appointment on the phone with my service guy at the independent shop I like. I visualize him taking my call and the dirty overalls he wears and that nasty oily appointment book he writes in to schedule my work. I visualize driving there on Tuesday and then walking to the cafe two blocks away and sitting with my latte and being appreciative of my reliable affordable car and just taking a few moments to relax and do nothing at that little black steel and wire table under the magnolia tree in the back patio. I listen to the water in the fountain and taste my coffee.

If you scroll up you will realize these are long, complex, visually stimulating, memory intensive STRINGS of thoughts. I can "go to" one of these thoughts and start at the beginning and work my way through and it will be a little different each time. And it takes several minutes to do it. Try it. Go read them again. You will see that these are personal to me, related to my real life, contain no medications, and do not require a co-pay.

Practicing "go-to thoughts" is super effective in killing whatever thought was in my head before. Ruminating about that hotel room? GONE, gone gone. I can't even remember sometimes what I was thinking about before. And each of these thoughts ends with a moment of meditation and finding something to be grateful for.

Try to think of a couple different scenarios that would work for you that are based on your life and your environment. They need to be thoughts that don't take you to triggery places. For example, I don't worry about running into the AP in the grocery when I'm shopping for salad, so that works for me. If your WS is into playing out sexual fetishes with vegetables that might not work for you so much, so work through your thought ideas and see if they have triggers in them. If that thought keeps hitting on a trigger, find a different one.

Practice all three thoughts for three days. Alternate between them. Work on developing the pathway, the story line in your head. Reproduce these thoughts DELIBERATELY.

Changing your thoughts is VERY possible with this method. It is a great way to get yourself calmed down, to break your rumination, to kick out that AP that is living rent free in your brain.

This is an awful process to have to go through after discovering infidelity. Your situation and your mind take you to terrible places and you need to be able to extricate yourself when it is unbearable. Take control of your thoughts and you will be on the way to getting control of how you FEEL. Sometimes we feel so helpless and victimized and like everything is falling apart and we have no control over anything. But we can OWN our own thoughts. Nobody can take away going to your happy place in your head. Happiness is out there for you, you can get back to a place of contentment and peace, no matter WHAT happens.

May you all find a moment of peace and contentment when you need it.

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 10:45 AM, December 2nd, 2015 (Wednesday)]

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 7410126

Gloomyfish77 ( member #50540) posted at 9:18 AM on Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015

Wow,what a wonderful post Heartbroken.....and thankyou

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

posts: 1040   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2015   ·   location: England
id 7410130

notcopingwell ( member #50084) posted at 9:47 AM on Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015

Thanks, I will try some of your ideas. At the moment I will try anything. I feel like my life is over.

I hope these will help, nothing can make my thoughts any darker at the moment.

Me 40 female
Him 50's
14 years together
Visiting strip clubs, prostitutes, "high end" escorts, lying, name it. ALL of his entire adult life.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2015
id 7410132

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 10:27 AM on Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015

WONDERFUL post!! I woke up at FWH sound asleep with his arms around me. Thoughts entered my head of them in the bed at the hotel...wondering if my FWH held her the way he was holding me...and things just snowballed from there. Now I'm wide awake...knowing we have a LONG day ahead of us...but I can't sleep. I saw the title to this thread and didn't click on it at first because I thought it was a new person to this HELL we are all in who was asking how to stop the mind movies. I'm SO GLAD I finally read this thread .

I recently read somewhere that our thoughts dictate our feelings. What you are saying is so PERFECT . I have thought out scenarios of what to do IF I ever meet the OW...or IF my FWH were to do this again...these are not helpful at all to my healing. I need to think more about renovating my house...or what to do when my Grandchildren come...these always make me SMILE .

THANK YOU for taking the time to write is truly inspirational!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6083   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 7410140

WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 10:32 AM on Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015

Wow, I needed this post today. My brain just won't stop repeating awful things. I'll try this!!

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4399   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 7410141

Edie ( member #26133) posted at 1:48 PM on Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 7410203

Opinionsplease ( member #47624) posted at 1:55 PM on Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015

Thanks Heartbroken. Very pertinent for me at the moment. Will try it out and post back.

posts: 1112   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2015
id 7410207

 heartbroken_kk (original poster member #22722) posted at 4:49 PM on Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015

I really hope this will help you all. I changed the title so it it easier to tell it's not a question. Thanks for the replies. Has anybody tried this before? What is your happy place, your happy distraction?

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 7410375

 heartbroken_kk (original poster member #22722) posted at 7:10 PM on Thursday, December 10th, 2015

Bumping for Ziggygal

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 7417481

HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 10:15 PM on Thursday, December 10th, 2015

Really good stuff.

Another one I use is while laying in bed. I just pick random spots on my body and feel them. There are nerves everywhere sending signals to our brain, that we totally ignore. Feel them. Get in touch with the back of your knee, then move to the top of the toe, left side of chin, etc. you will be surprised at what you feel. Try the inside of your nose. Go for feeling two different spots at once, putting your awareness on to both.

Very consuming and relaxing. Takes up all of your awareness.

Also, it is impossible to have a tense mind and a relaxed body. So relax your mind via relaxing your body.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2840   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 7417708

Noelly ( new member #50601) posted at 12:29 AM on Friday, December 11th, 2015

That is very helpful as I can hardly control what goes through my mind. Understanding what triggers these (that than lead to anxiety attacks) thoughts and having a plan to "go elsewhere" in my mind sounds like a good idea.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 7417846

latebloomer45 ( member #18021) posted at 2:29 AM on Friday, December 11th, 2015

Great post. Deserves to be in the Healing Library.

Thanks. Useful for more than just infidelity caused anxiety.

Me: BS 56
Him: FWS 58
Married 32 years
Son-26 Daughter (Who Came out as trans, so now Son)-23,
D-Day #1 12/11/2007
D-Day #2 5/23/2008 fucking trickle truth!
Whatever Threnody said, I concur.

posts: 4697   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Midwest
id 7417944

Happyatlast ( member #44768) posted at 3:15 AM on Friday, December 11th, 2015

Very good idea. Thank you!

posts: 1970   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2014
id 7417982

 heartbroken_kk (original poster member #22722) posted at 8:19 PM on Saturday, December 26th, 2015

bumping for TheRedBaron

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 7431331

JRod ( member #50935) posted at 10:40 PM on Saturday, December 26th, 2015

Thanks for this awesome reminder concerning mindfulness

Me: BH 55
Her: WW 34
Together: 8 years, DD-7
DDay: November 14, 2015
Confrontation: December 17, 2015 leads to TT
Current status: Attempting R with MC
"Someday, everything is gonna be smooth like a rhapsody, when I paint my masterpie

posts: 76   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Dallas
id 7431408

MadOldBat ( member #44146) posted at 11:39 AM on Sunday, December 27th, 2015

Thank you for this very helpful post!

I imagine in my head the stitches of a complicated Aran cable knit sweater pattern.

Time to get the knitting needles out!

Keeping my chin(s) up whilst getting divorced.

posts: 3990   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2014   ·   location: In House Separation.
id 7431754

Nomore2015 ( new member #50940) posted at 11:50 AM on Sunday, December 27th, 2015

Thank you for sharing. I am going to try this!

Behind my smile is a broken heart, behind my laughs I'm falling apart, look at me closely and you will see, this girl I am isn't really me

posts: 22   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Port charlotte
id 7431758

LinC37160 ( member #50603) posted at 2:26 PM on Sunday, December 27th, 2015

I diffently need to try something. I was so ingrossed in my negative thoughts that I drove 10 miles and don't even remember. Sorta of scared me because when I came back to earth I sorta didn't know where I was because I don't remember the route I took to get there.

BS(me) 57
WH 57
3 grown kids
3 grandchildren
M: 38 years
D-Day: 10/26/2015

posts: 69   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2015
id 7431830

minusone ( member #50175) posted at 12:18 AM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2016


"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou

posts: 8363   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 7452682

BereavedBetrayed ( new member #51383) posted at 9:34 AM on Wednesday, January 20th, 2016

Thank you. My mind has been torturing me. I will definitely try this!

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2016
id 7453814
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