SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last chime in this for tonight!

Mike 7 said:

I don't know. For a WW, I'm inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's trying to save her marriage and that she loves Walloped.

Unfortunately the BOTD is the demon that we all have to grapple with, how do we do that when we can't T anything right now! There is the rub!

I also believe that there is nothing worse than having THE DOUBT! So why should she get the benefit of it? (Devil's advocate here!) If there was no A, he wouldn't have to question whether its the truth or give her the BOTD!

I agree also with 1985, she would have to rival an Ice princess, be Cruella deVille or Meryl fucking Streep! It's not likely she falls into any of those categories, from what Walloped has told us!

It's a linear continuum....one end is whole truth, the other end is complete deceit. Where this debate falls on the spectrum (Seems neutral)The arrow is sitting in between both equi-distant from the two extreme poles!

And I don't know if any of you who have posted since last night have noticed, Walloped has not posted anything yet today!! So the debate that has consumed today's part of the thread, is without comment from the man himself!

Perhaps he is taking a break from SI (just for today, or maybe longer) Good for him!

Chime over! Have a good night everyone

Best to you all!

Want this to stop

Hopefully W is packing his bags for the move and reassuring his kids that he will be there for them.....

Enough speculation from all of us.

How about we say a prayer for him , his wife and their family.

I agree with Eric1.

I've stayed largely off the fence regarding whether she is being fully truthful or not and while she seems leagues ahead of other waywards at this point, I think it's way too early to tell what her true intentions are and I think that attacking Walloped for being paranoid after what he has just went through is overboard. I also see a movement here to give her the benefit of the doubt at this stage which I also think is premature.

Walloped has every reason to be shaken and not to be trusting at this point.

Also, I don't attack other posters here for expressing their opinions. It's their right and they feel that Walloped needs perspective from both sides of the field. I wish others would stop attacking those they don't agree with. Saying it's ok for Walloped to take what suits him and throw out the rest, then attacking another side as to point out to Walloped what is 'the rest' is not doing Walloped any favors IMO

he's doing well so far and has a long way to go. So does his WW. His WW can come on here and join the wayward forum if she wants (not what I am advocating because this should be his safe place) but Walloped came here for our help. That should be the focus here

[This message edited by Western at 8:32 PM, August 25th (Tuesday)]

I think that attacking Walloped for being paranoid after what he has just went through is overboard.

no one attacked Walloped for being paranoid.

for the record, I don't really care if Walloped divorces her or not. She's definitely messed up. He knows it, we know it, she knows it. I just want walloped to do what's best for him. Divorce or reconcile, doesn't matter to me.

however, there's been some projecting of nefarious intent upon her that is unsupported and frankly silly. Sooooo much bias it's sad. And that's unfair to Walloped. He's barely hanging in there and some people are projecting all sorts of things that just aren't supportable and are actually contradictory.

heck, Walloped doesn't need anymore reasons to divorce her if that's what he wants. She's done plenty of bad things. But to select anything that might be construed as favorable to her and calling that suspicious but to accept everything she says that makes her look horrible as true, is just wrong. too much bias and negativity.

[This message edited by mike7 at 9:14 PM, August 25th (Tuesday)]

how do you know this Eric? You speak as if you've met her and spoke to her and known her for years. Have you? I mean if Walloped said it, I would be inclined to believe it. If you say it? Maybe.

Because this weekend she was on the ropes and would have literally done anything to get through it, but still made it clear that whatever happened custody was non-negotiable.

Actions, not words

but you believed THAT but chose to disbelieve other things she said. is that right?

mike7

♂ Member

I think this is what Western referred to. There are many different opinions here, all from folks trying to help.

And that means there are going to be quite divergent opinions.

I think it is more productive to state your opinion without disparaging other opinions as invalid to be discarded to be ignored if they do not agree with your opinion.

A fourn with this many users is going to produce some " sparks", especially on a thread so emotional like this one.

Walloped has already exhibited the ability to respect all the opinions and decide which ones to incorporate into his "strategy" on getting through this.

No one here is TOTALLY right or worng.

she may very well be broke. But I have to be honest, if my wife was lying to me about breaking NC at this stage of the game, and I could prove it, she would be a very sad lady. but I don't what's going on in your house. how can she now look you in the eye, lie, and know that you're going to do a polygraph?

thank you nonnonsense.

i think it's fair to give the opinion that someone is being unfairly negative, or particularly naive or asking them to support their conclusion. Or posting something that is the opposite of what was presented. I think the purpose here is to help the poster. I'm fine with people being suspicious. But if you then go on and expound about something without any basis, I may well disagree. if you will notice, I didn't name anyone in particular in your example. I think I was even quoting Walloped who said something to the effect that he "just ignores those posts."

I may not be able to even to try.

Walloped - you are trying NOW. YOU ARE ALREADY DOING IT.

Not trying would have been you putting her shit on the curb on DDay with no opportunity for discussion, not listening to anything she says, etc.

Give yourself credit where credit is due, man. The hard work has already begun.

i will tell you this Walloped. the guilt she is dealing with now is only going to grow. I agree, that it seems like something broke. You can't "pretend" to be something for 27 years. i'm not sure fundamental core values can change. midlife crisis?, mental breakdown? i don't know.

but if she starts to become the person she was, over the next months her guilt is going to be enormous.

i notice that she wanted to make love to you to push the evil away. like you're some kind of angel that can make her clean. maybe i misread it, but i thought it was strange.

if she is lying to you about calling this guy, even knowing you're going to polygraph, I would start to wonder if a breakdown is coming.

do you think she still wants to contact him?

i really think you need some space away from her. even a week will help you. but you may need to check on her.

Your WW is one of the most remorseful WWs I have ever seen in this site. I wish mine was like that.

I think you have a great plan and you have been handling this very well.

This is why I think that regardless if you D or R everything is going to be fine, eventually.

Good luck!

I have considered posting a couple times but mike7 is beating me to it. I agree with you totally so far brother. Walloped we are pulling for you brother.

I agree Nuance- I've never seen somebody confess so much like you WW did to you, W.

It's almost unheard of.

But, you are the first person I've read that has told us so much about this confession.

I am worried about your wife's state of mind. She seems histrionic, fwiw, all that crying. I'm a woman and it's just hard for me to imagine that going on for days and days without getting a handle on myself. Do Not Mean To Diagnose this.

I am no expert.

And, no doubt, you have put her through the wringer with so many questions.

Are you sure your are comfortable leaving with her caring for your kids while she's in this state of mind - in all due respect.

Let's see if there are some points we all agree on:

(1) walloped is in the early throes of the most gut wrenching, devastating, mind bending shitstorm he has ever encountered

(2) he is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted

(3) he needs help and support

(4) the goal of every poster should be to provide help and support

NOW, I bet we all agree with these points. SO, what should each of us do to provide help and support. Can we agree on the following?

(1) provide empathy

(2) provide encouragement that he will make it through

(3) provide both sympathy and camaraderie ("we have all been there and know what you are enduring")

(4) provide him with examples of our own experiences and details of how we handled those experiences

(5) provide explanations of why we handled things as we did

(6) counsel him that he should not feel pressured into making snap decisions

(7) let him know that we support him regardless of what decisions he makes

Are these actions we can all agree are appropriate?

I hope so. Because to me this is what SI has always been about. And why it is just such a fantastic place and resource for those struggling with infidelity.

The last couple of pages have had posts commenting on who is being inappropriate. I will stand up right here and say: I started that. See my post on page 11. And here is why I did it.

I hope you can also all agree with these points -- things we should NOT do:

(1) say things things that, if you think about it, would only make a JFO feel more miserable. See mine on p 11 for specific examples

(2) tell walloped that he HAS to take a specific action (as opposed to telling him how you had handled the same thing or how you think you would handle)

(3) telling walloped that you KNOW his W felt this way or you KNOW she actually did this or that (as opposed to pointing out inconsistencies or commenting that a statement doesn't seem logical)

I did the post I did on p 11, and I think Mike7 and Bigger and others have said what they said because it looks Like some posts have gone beyond relating personal experiences, ideas, suggestions and general support into the 3 areas above.

Let's all just supportWalloped and get him through this.

Walloped and admins, sorry for the TJ of the thread

Hang in there (((Walloped))). Sending wishes of strength your way.

No its not remorse. Not yet.

She's scared. Walloped is right about that.

And Mike7 is right. A breakdown is very likely coming after Walloped leaves.

Frankly I think she needs that in order to get her thinking cap back on like she did for 27 years.

She needs the selfish streak knocked right out of her. She needs the self preservation mode gone and she needs to be totally open in order to look at her core values. Those values need a reset.

A woman.

A wife.

A mother.

That does not go hand in hand with liar. Cheater. Adulterer.

All those mixed emotions are going to hit her very hard.

And that is just another reason W needs to leave.

He needs to reset his emotions as well. think he has his wife "pegged to a T".

Anyway, don't know if any of that made sense or if my thinking is totally fucked up at this point, but there you have it.

You have a plan. It is sound.

I truly hope she gets to a point where shoe goes and finds good professional help on her own.

Good Luck.

HM

i notice that she wanted to make love to you to push the evil away. like you're some kind of angel that can make her clean. maybe i misread it, but i thought it was strange.

Good point by Mike 7 but I think it was just a try a manipulation through sex. attempt. Fuck Walloped's brains out and let him reclaim me and sdome of the pain will go away.. My guess is if you took her up on it she would have offered up anal and anything else she could have thought of. I also don't buy her not throwing the lingerie away. If she hads thrown it away and answered no he never gave her anything you never would have known the difference. She was holding on to it for memories and did not have any idea you would ask.

do you think she still wants to contact him?

Another pertinant question from Mike but you have NO WAY to know the answer. But what you do know is that one of the first things you told her was NC was a deal breaker and here is what has occured

(1) broken in 21 minute call and accepting 14 more calls from OM WITHOUT YOU THERE

(2) broken NC at SIL, and you agree with most of us that she has lied about that

(3) questionable call to co volunteer without you there compromising her at that time new cell number.

One thing that I think most would agree with is not to make declarative threats that you do not intend on enforcing. If you still feel that breaking NC is a deal breaker at this point, I think you should really make that unmistakenly clear that three strtikes and she is out and give her a chance to confess the SIL thing. In a sense you owe reiterating that to her so that you are not going to accept any crap like I saw the called ID and answered.

I would make her tell you she understands that that may be the first question on the polygraph and if she fails that question there may not be a second question that matters. If you would still accept her breaking NC again, you need to be sure you could come back if you knew that it did occur.

I think you will see shortly how long you will stay separated. Either it will be soothing to you or you will be more anxious wondering what she is or is not doing. Only time will tell on that one. As Mike also said, I would have some way of checking. Maybe you do already.

Whatever you do, I hope it works for you.