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Walloped, if you want to come back whit your wife, just do it, but, this implies that you have to turn the page of the betrayal and pick up your marriage, try to pretend that nothing has changed and go back to being the happy couple that were.

Im sorry..but this is terrible advice.

but all that you are going through now is a proof that sometthing was amiss as a couple.

This is not true. Something was missing in her..his WW.

There are hundreds of couples who have happily reconciled from this.

nuntias...are you here because you are dealing with being betrayed by your spouse or girlfriend?

Eric1, I am pretty sure that Walloped understands that POS could not have tracked her down at SILs as she stated -- that there is still a lie to be handled on that. I think you agree on that, right?

Walloped, I haven't said so but I like the way you are handling the shading of truth and lies at this point -- taking them as part of the whole and simply evidence of the massive dislocation in her personality and your relationship that has occurred. You are not using them as an excuse to dismiss the positive things she is doing because she has failed in these ways, but you are also not going to let her slip them past.

(Suspect you are good at developing teams and helping folks in their careers; all of this relates there too)

I just found out my husband of 22 yrs has been cheating well he said he did it because he didnt think i loved him :-( well now he said he sees i do love him i think it was him who didnt love me i feel the world has come down on me my grandfather died july 4th my husbands affair came out aug 14 & my grandmother died aug 17 & i turned 45 on aug 19 i dont no where to turn or who to talk to i hope this all gets better but i think i have had more then i can handle right now but i do hope it gets better for you

Eric1, I am pretty sure that Walloped understands that POS could not have tracked her down at SILs as she stated -- that there is still a lie to be handled on that. I think you agree on that, right?

I'm on record here from the moment he wrote about it that it smelled like shit to me.

I think he's still being lied to, but I also want to be fair and recognize that - mostly from my experience here - that I'd give her a B+ for honesty at this point. Wallup deserves nothing more than 100%, it's sad that he's going to need to force the issue for it to be 100% but just that her level of deceit is superceeded in the fact that she's been relatively honest otherwise.

That's just my opinion, I can COMPLETELY understand how someone can have a different perspective than I on this one. I mean, if she's coming clean then why just not tell the entire truth, it makes what is still living under the surface even scarier.

I think that what is under the surface is that she truly was in love with him and that she's having a hard time telling the truth around those facts. Her getting a dick in her ass & she was giving a linear progression chart and moon cycles on when it happened - Full Damn Disclosure from her. Her having her heart shattered, she clams up, has excuses, etc. She didn't "really love" him. Bullshit that just doesn't smell right.

The only proof that she has tried to give through her actions that she didn't love him was that she wouldn't go to the Met with him. The reality was that she compartmentalized and this was outside of the boundaries of that compartmentalization. And like sex, those compartments would have been broken through eventually. Literally every other action that she took supports the thesis that she was actually in love with him.

Who the fuck needs $900 cufflinks?

The simple answer is that she knows deep down that her husband could get over the sex things but that she knows he'll never come back from her falling in love with another man.

I agree with her.

At the same time, Wallup needs to come to these truths himself. He's a tremendous writer, but we don't know him, we can perceive nuance, we don't know their history, etc.

Wall, I apologize for projecting and theorizing. This is not healthy for your recovery. We are here to support you, not to tell you what to do.

[This message edited by eric1 at 2:18 PM, August 25th (Tuesday)]

My thoughts on not leaving the marital home is all legal, however, since you checked with your attorney, perhaps NYS has different laws regarding this.

I was afraid, if going the D route, and I left the home, would have the courts thinking I was abandoning the family home and would award it to H. (who I feel strongly would have moved his alley cat in while I was gone)

Once you go to D, it becomes war. People change and they become your enemy. When H left for 30 days, he returned for some of his work things and stole our cache of gold, thinking I wouldn't notice. Therefore, I was able to change the locks on the house and he couldn't have any access. What he did was really stupid and he knows it now. But then, people do really stupid things when they're so emotional.

So, if things do deteriorate while you are out of the house, I'm worried that you may not know what your wife will do.

Hello again!

Reading through the thread again (from where I left off)

The reality was that she compartmentalized and this was outside of the boundaries of that compartmentalization

This is called leakage, it happens naturally or when the proverbial shit hits the fan!

You have the good, the bad and the ugly! Its all here in black and white!

I remember a few years back, when I was dealing with an HR issue at my workplace. The HR person said, that is your perception and your perception is your reality!

We have faced the harshest reality that any human being can endure, a B of the most heinous kind. One cannot fathom how they will recover from that, while they are in it and not functioning.

Functioning (even at the most basic level) helps us process. Walloped functions at a very high level, he is a problem solver, a solution oriented thinker, he's got the tools, he's got the determination; he's got the courage and he's making decisions based on his circumstances.

I agree with HP64 - its not for us to tell him what to do, because its his reality. Our journey in here, as Newbs (like me, Walloped and several others who have posted) is to move through the pain, and when we are ready to face the harsh reality of what has happened, to decide whether we can pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, however that looks to us and based on our personal circumstances! All good advice aside.

Nekorb has faced her reality and her POS CAT and she has a lot of insight! (for which I am personally absorbing and extremely thankful for!) HM64 is the same, he has lived through the pain and come out the other side.

The duality of our existence is ever present. Grapple with the demons, so you can exorcise them.

May the force be with you Obi Won! (sorry couldn't help myself there!)

(((((Walloped)))))

Want this to stop.

W,

As you havent decide to R or D yet, the separation seems, IMO, a very good idea. IMO you and your WW need a chance to see the situation from the distance to decide, also You will have the chance, as your WW, to teast how will be like if D happen.

Other thing, I suggest that you and her use a brutal honesty clause. It means that you tell her what you think or feel no matter how bad it may seems as long as is not just aou of anger. MO you should tell her wich answers you belive are BS and why. She should be able to ask what is in her mind also and express her fears.

I belive that the brutal honesty clause is more efective if you give the other person time to digest what you say. e.g. if you explain to her how you feel about some answer to nigth give her until tomorrow to give you an answer. And when you get the answer you hold your feelings for 24 hours before act on them or to say something.

Last thing, I dont remenber but you should also ask her i he misses OM.

Good luck

Just make sure if you leave that you make time for you - out for a few beers, whatever it is you like doing. Plenty of social contact even if you have to force yourself to do it.

You don't want to spend a month moping and depressed you want to spend it healing and getting clearer on what you want next.

Good luck mate - you've done real well so far.

Eric1, I agree -- she loved the holding hands, the lounging around nude and being an object of lust and devotion, etc ad nauseum. I think we agree that she is still hiding some of the worst of that from Walloped (and likely from herself).

Whatever he is feeling now will change, and he is doing the right thing to get out and clear his head (and maybe cloud it again with a few icy cold beverages of his choice...) When I realized my ex was in love with her AP, it was like a switch going off in my head -- I was just done. His relationship with his wife is different and I think she has much more to offer than mine did by way of love and support for him in his life.

Falling head over heels in love with a POS, spreading your legs and rear for him, etc is something she will need to address fully and to his satisfaction, I would guess. I do think we are through most of the discovery and TT and it has happened with a lot of remorse from her side. Now Walloped will get his head clear and begin to process this dump (and I do mean dump).

Listen, I am one who did separate from my H, the difference is that my H left the home, I did not. But we did not have a legal separation, I was going to IC the whole time, my IC would ask each week I walked in, "OK, what do you want to do this week?" And I would usually just say "I don't know yet" and he would tell me that a no decision is still a decision.

Now having read millions of stories here, not doing it legally could have possibly come back to screw me for sure, but my H at the time just left and his check was already being electronically deposited and he never went to change that and as long as things stayed status quo so to speak I just wanted to have space and time. I did not want to talk to him or deal with him and for me that was OK. I did not like him very much to be quite honest, he was much worse then your wife in the fact that he would not tell me anything. But the separation itself was probably one of the best things we did to even have a shot of saving the marriage. Cuz if we would have lived together we would have torn each other apart, and even our therapist at the time agreed it was for the best.

So I know many on here think separation just leads to divorce, but not all the time. I think it scares people, I think that many feel if someone is not in front of you and dealing with it head on that you somehow can't be married. But I went thru and felt the opposite, I actually felt much better when my then H was not around. I cried, don't get me wrong, I was hurt, but I was able to work on just myself and deal with my own pain. I was able to also just work on finding myself again, just me. It was actually a very freeing time for me.

So my vote is to go for it. If you need space find yourself some space. Use the time to find what you want and what you need. I do agree to keep your kids in the loop and stay in touch with them. But otherwise I say do what makes you feel better. One day at a time.

the phone call from OM to the SIL is suspicious. However, W's wife swore several times this is exactly what happened. She even said he called three times. It will be simple enough to verify whether she called out or not. If she had another means to communicate with him, why would she use her sister's phone? why would she tell him to use her sister's phone? And then why would she confess?

On the other hand, if it happened exactly as she said, then there is a strong motive to report it. Because she would realize the call would be discoverable.

The problem is, a few people are suspicious and then assume what happened and then come to the conclusion that she really was in love with OM, was planning on leaving W, etc.

Thats' really jumping the gun. Highly speculative.

Here is what we know from what's been posted.

The minute she was caught she dumped the OM. At the time, she was certain he loved her. He wanted her to leave W. She thought he was single. And she thought he was wealthy. And despite all this she dumped him immediately.

So how is it that people are now saying that if the OM wasn't a POS she would be leaving W? It's almost as if you're not reading what was written. And it certainly seems like you're projecting your own paranoia onto what seems to be a woman who desperately regrets what she did and wants to keep her husband.

Walloped,

1). What if she rekindles the affair during the separation ?

2). Do you think she knew at a subconcious level that though it might be hard, that you would eventually forgive her if she cheated ?

Hi Mike,

I am in agreement with you that as soon as it was revealed Walloped's wife knew she wanted to stay with her husband. Some of that was compartmentalization (she wanted her family compartment to stay whole) and some was the basic fact of a loving and happy marriage and husband that she had betrayed but loved and valued.

That said, I doubt that POS tracked her down at her SIL without some other contact from her. It might have been the case that SIL knew before Walloped because she or someone close to her also spotted them holding hands or at a restaurant, but somehow POS got the phone number from either Walloped's wife or the SIL. That's my pure speculation.

These are side arguments anyway, Walloped is on a good course for him and I am hoping that he gets the clarity he needs to move forward. In the end I will trust his judgment however he decides and however long it takes.

it is suspicious. you may be right. W will find out anyway. And I agree with you. I think he's doing the right things. I think he'll figure out what's right for him.

Thank you Mike7 for again saying what needed to be said.

If she is really as devious and cunning as some posters are making her out to be, she is an Oscar caliber actress, has ice water in her veins and is smarter than most of the trial lawyers I have faced in the last 40 years. Possible? I guess anything is possible but probability sure seems very low.

it's interesting. the woman just spent hours and hours confessing the most intimate, embarrassing, humiliating, degrading things to her husband. Things she knows will destroy him. And she does it while she's blubbering, and sobbing, and he's falling apart. And she still continues it. And she's doing it because she knows her marriage hangs by a thread. And because W has told her needs the entire truth. and that he will force a polygraph afterwards. and she even admits to lying and breaking previous promises. And yet, despite all this, some posters take an inconsistency or something suspicious, and then speculate all sorts of the things despite that it flies in the face of everything else that was confessed to.

It may be that she lied about the phone call to her SIL. But if that is so, I'm inclined to believe that the reason she wanted to call the OM was to read him the riot act. Not to see if she could rekindle their romance. That seems pretty unbelievable.

To reiterate. She thought she was in love with the OM. She was certain the OM loved her. He even tried to convince her to leave W. She thought he was single. She thought he was wealthy. There was no reason to believe that the OM couldn't support her to an even better life style than she was accustomed. Heck, there's no reason to believe that he still wouldn't jump to take W's wife. And yet, immediately and consistently she has stated she only wants Walloped.

I don't know. For a WW, I'm inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's trying to save her marriage and that she loves Walloped.

[This message edited by mike7 at 5:53 PM, August 25th (Tuesday)]

As one who has approached it from both angles I don't think I've ever hinted that - when caught - she would leave W for her boyfriend. What I am reasonably certain of

- she is downplaying her feelings

- her entire affair was typical. W was probably six months away from I Love You But I Don't Love You

- her boyfriend was no more predatory than any other dude. It seems he was truly in love with her as evidenced by his pathetic display afterwards. A predator would have moved onto easier meat.

- she is telling the truth about not wanting to leave W because she had compartmentalized them so completely. Prolonged affairs grow, they don't shrink. To put it another way, in two months she would have taken him up on his offer for a night to the Met. Followed by their charity mysteriously having more weekend trips. Again, typical.

- she believes that W can get over the sex but not her being fully and truly in love with her boyfriend

- when caught she made a snap decision. There is NOTHING that could be done to make her abandon her children. She would dump both her husband and boyfriend if it meant being with her kids.

mike7 I agree with you wholeheartedly.

There is NOTHING that could be done to make her abandon her children. She would dump both her husband and boyfriend if it meant being with her kids.

how do you know this Eric? You speak as if you've met her and spoke to her and known her for years. Have you? I mean if Walloped said it, I would be inclined to believe it. If you say it? Maybe.

I agree, I don't think she seems like the kind of woman that would leave her children. But you say it as if it somehow means that she doesn't want or love W. That doesn't follow. There's no basis for that. It's not causal. And who says getting divorced means leaving your children? Her children already know. Why is she pleading with W? I almost got divorced and it didn't mean to me that I was leaving my children. Are you going to say you know me too?

it's interesting. the woman just spent hours and hours confessing the most intimate, embarrassing, humiliating, degrading things to her husband. Things she knows will destroy him. And she does it while she's blubbering, and sobbing, and he's falling apart. And she still continues it. And she's doing it because she knows her marriage hangs by a thread. And because W has told her needs the entire truth. and that he will force a polygraph afterwards. and she even admits to lying and breaking previous promises.

FTR, I'm with mike. From my perspective, I wonder what else she could do to *show* remorse? Yea, actions not words. There hasn't been much time for prolonged, consistent actions. Some *confusion*? Sure, confusing times. When I started to respond, I was going to question if she was a member or reading here. She *seems* to be getting the major points right.

W, take your time. There's NO rush. IMO, she's showing remorse, up to and including radical honesty. Is it an *act*? Only time will tell. You heal you first and foremost.

Strength brother