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Just Found Out :
I Don't Have Any Idea What To Do

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ManWithNoName ( member #49186) posted at 2:52 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

Hi, This is such a sad story - an affair with no real marital difficulties. All you can do now is take care of you - she has to fix her stuff. Also I think you should be looking for a broader range of opinions check out as many sites as you can to get the broadest possible perspectives. Good luck.

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cajun123 ( member #48989) posted at 2:52 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

Prayers. Continued prayers for both you and your wife. Let the healing begin.

posts: 126   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2015   ·   location: Louisiana
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nononsense ( member #45598) posted at 2:55 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

I think that part of being able to do that is getting to the point of believing you have the full story. Until there your mind will keep conjuring up all the what ifs and maybes and keep driving you to dark places. Once you feel that you have it all it is easier to start doing what I describe above. Hopefully when you finish your talks today you will feel like you have it all.

Try to remind yourself that there are 2 kinds of Affairs. In one the WS really doesn't care about the BS. When caught, there is never any remorse, there are either no attempts or false attempts to end it and rebuild. The WS truly is gone and doesn't care. You can read examples of this throughout the threads on SI.

The other kind of A is one where the WS gets caught up in the fantasy and the excitement and is just broken enough to believe it is real UNTIL caught. And then reality starts to set in followed by horror at what she/he has done and eventually by remorse and grief. And a realization that true love and fulfillment was right in front of them with the spouse. When that happens, the brokenness can be fixed with sufficient effort. Amends can be made to the extent that amends are possible. And rebuilding can occur.

The above is an EXCELLENT analysis on this Walloped given to you by 1985.

Your. W's A looks like the second kind.

This is where you are NOT going to have an immediate answer. if you post the discussion points, you are going to get the usual differing opinions here.

The old saying here is

ACTIONS OVER TIME. words mean nothing at this point

Right now, there is no way your wife is not still in self preservation mode and a disclosure week end is not going to end that immediately. you are going to need time to process all of this and you may not believe that even after this week end you have all the truth you need.

Every single person is going to give you their opinion but YOURS is the only one that counts.

Giving you a timeline and crying and being scared does not prove she is not affair type 1 above. Actions, especially is POS tries to contact her again and her behavior will answer the question.

This is going to take time no matter what you decide unless the timeline and details are too much for you and there is no shame in that.

BH - 50 (me)
WW- 48 (her)
M- 27 years
3 daughters- 26, 24, 21
DDay1 7/5/2014 (PA- 2 different OM)
DDay2 11/28/2014- setting up another meeting new OM
5/1/2015- Looks like we are making it.
8/3/2015- Reconciled but watchful
11/10/2015- We made it

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mike7 ( member #38603) posted at 3:14 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

I was afraid this was going to happen. When you're really in love and have your wife on a pedestal the devastation is so great.

I'm sorry Walloped, but I think you have to get past the idea that you are going to reconcile. Not because reconciling isn't possible, but because it means you have to acknowledge and accept and forgive everything she's done. You have to go against your core values and you're sense of self respect.

Instead, what you have to do is distance yourself. You have assume that you will probably divorce. tell her that. but don't pull the plug. Convince yourself that you don't care. She's tarnished herself. She's obviously not that special. Tell her that. Tell her you need time but that you're virtually certain you're going to divorce her. This is therapeutic because it satisfies your sense of justice. And it satisfies your sense of self respect. After all, how could you stay with someone that did this to you? You see, she's obviously not a good person. Tell this to her.

And then move out. Or ask her to move out. And then wait. How long? I essentially moved out for nearly two years. But then, I was at work in another country. Maybe you should do it for two months. Maybe longer. Get to the point where you've established a life without her. You take care of yourself. You do your laundry. You make dinner. You go bowling with friends. You can stay in touch for the kids, but you basically put her out of your life. And then see what happens. See how she reacts. How much will she do to win YOU back? Actions, not words. This is what I did. This has the added benefit that you heal. Or, make her give you back her wedding ring. Make her start using her maiden name. You can say, well, you didn't want to be a part of our family. Now you don't have to. After a while, you begin to realize that life will go on regardless of what you decide. That you will be happy. The kids will be ok. You'll be fine.

I figured if she went out and dated people, out on the town, then I knew it was over. Mine didn't. I don't know what yours would do. She says she'll wait. So make her wait. And see what happens.

I realize what I did won't work for everybody. You've got to do what works for you. But I know this, if you keep caring as much as you do, you're going to hurt yourself. You've got to let go. Assume you're going to divorce. And then see what happens.

Good luck my friend.

[This message edited by mike7 at 9:44 AM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

BH 60
WW 58
Two grown kids

DDay 1/15/2013

posts: 1106   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: West Coast
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wantthistostop ( member #48922) posted at 3:14 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

W,

Would have been in here to help you last night, had I known. ((((())))) Sorry, man.

The processing gets overwhelming, those mind movies are debilitating.

Can you get to a Dr. today? if you can and get some meds to help with the anxiety and sleep (someone said Ativan), I ended up getting some, I was hairs away from a panic attack day after my breakdown! Breakdown and/or panic attacks are not consistent with my personality, but nevertheless it happened!!! The medication really helped, I only took it when I felt the anxiety overwhelming, like I was going to lose my shit or I couldn't sleep! Haven't had to use it this week at all!

I will say this, the emotional hysteria you are feeling needs to be released, I got that from my breakdown (sadly) and while it doesn't stop you from feeling bad, it does provide partial catharsis. I see you wanting to avoid having a breakdown(who wouldn't) Perhaps Kimichi is right, go to the gym and hit the punching bag ...

This is a safe place to vent, while all of the stuff is swirling around in your head, but in the context of living and being functional you can't be typing and posting in here 24/7 and since its not like IM or chatting, the responses are not necessarily immediate.

I am sure we all would like to have someone we could call to chat with in the wee hours when we can't sleep and feel the darkest and alone.

Perhaps there is someone in this thread who can be a support contact by phone (I know someone offered) so when you are feeling like you were last night and need immediate assistance, you can call them?? Kind of like a sponsor in a 12 step program. I would offer my number, but I suspect you would rather confide in a male who has come out the other end and I am such a Newb!

I totally empathize with what you are going through. The fear is paralyzing...the uncertainty unbearable, all of the things that run through your mind, the good, the bad and the ugly!! Who wouldn't be nauseated and sleep deprived.

Maybe its time for another Bro date (maybe a whole weekend!)....just the boys out doing things together...getting out of the house, away from WW and the constant reminder, away from the things that trigger...I might do you world of good! I did it last weekend, it allowed me to get out of my head and gave me a much needed respite from the mind movies, doubt, fear etc.,

Do what works best for you. You are an action

person, remember that! Try to remember the person you were before this shit happened, and try to find and connect with that.

I recently took up beginners Yoga (so not me, I am not a new age, granola type) 1 class in, and I am going for # 2 this week. It not only provides physical exercise, it requires you to focus your mind on what your body is doing...so you can't really think about anything else.

I wish I could do more than type to help!

Just don't let your personal strength and desire to persevere through this overtake your need to take care of yourself physically. At least if you are taking care of your basic physical needs (food, water, sleep) and maintaining, eventually you will find the rest will improve.

(((((((()))))))))

Want this to Stop!

BGF: Me 51 D 2002 DS 21 and DD 20
XWBF: 50
D day: August 9, 2015

Taking it one day at a time!

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eric1 ( member #47762) posted at 3:44 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

Great post from Mike7. My responses follow

Instead, what you have to do is distance yourself. You have assume that you will probably divorce. tell her that. but don't pull the plug. Convince yourself that you don't care. She's tarnished herself. She's obviously not that special. Tell her that. Tell her you need time but that you're virtually certain you're going to divorce her. This is therapeutic because it satisfies your sense of justice. And it satisfies your sense of self respect. After all, how could you stay with someone that did this to you? You see, she's obviously not a good person. Tell this to her.

This may not be critical in every situation but I firmly believe that this is critical here. W was so hit hard, his wife’s affair was so deep and thorough and, frankly, he’s not a wishy washy person. Whatever the decision, the procedural stuff was first. At this stage, the emotional-sorting stage I guess we can call it, his first goal is fully and truly accepting separation.

The other benefit here is that by playing the separation card with her, it hits her on consequences. She is a lier and not to be trusted, as much as W may love her. The only way to stop her from having a boyfriend in your marriage is by giving her consequences. Period.

Primarily though, emotionally disassociating himself from her will be critical to making the right decision for him. He will know it when he feels it. If he doesn’t emotionally disassociate then he will probably make a bad decision. The only thing worse than what he’s going through now is going through this for the next ten years. That can happen with a bad decision. Needless to say: really fucking critical

And then move out. Or ask her to move out. And then wait. How long? I essentially moved out for nearly two years. But then, I was at work in another country. Maybe you should do it for two months. Maybe longer. Get to the point where you've established a life without her. You take care of yourself. You do your laundry. You make dinner. You go bowling with friends. You can stay in touch for the kids, but you basically put her out of your life. And then see what happens. See how she reacts. This is what I did. This has the added benefit that you heal. You begin to realize that life will go on regardless of what you decide. That you will be happy. The kids will be ok. You'll be fine.

She cheated, she moves out. It’s not only the right thing to do, but W has legal considerations. I do think that this is something that W should strongly consider as I get a codependency vibe from him as well.

I do not want him to do these things because I feel that divorce is the best thing for him. He needs to do these things because he needs to arrive at a place where he can make these decisions, and humans always revery to comfort. This is a big Big BIG mistake. Divorce and Reconciliation need to both be equal in his mind. Divorce isn’t vengeful either, when he gets there, the decision for Divorce or Reconciliation will be made because the decision is his which is best for them. She can’t unfall in love with her boyfriend and for many, that will setup a lifetime of resent, distrust and dislike. Nobody wants that.

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mike7 ( member #38603) posted at 3:55 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

She cheated, she moves out. It’s not only the right thing to do, but W has legal considerations.

i understand what you're saying Eric. In my case, I didn't care. I had offered her a pile of cash so that she never needed to work again, just to get her to go. She refused. Besides, my state is no-fault. So, she gets half of everything we acquired while together anyway. But I didn't care. I would have enough to move on. Maybe Walloped does too?

The advantage of moving out yourself, is that you're away from the scene of the crime. It's easier to forget and realize that you can build a life on your own. A simpler one. The disadvantage is that you are away from your family. I sense that Walloped doesn't want to be away from his children. So... it's up to him. One thing I'm concerned with is that I don't believe in-house separation really provides the kind of distance to rebuild your sense of self-respect and esteem. How do you get over what Judas did to you when you look at her every day? just my thoughts.

Hang in there Walloped. You'll be ok. You just have to get to the point where you realize it happened, and you don't care. When you finally get there, then it's really a wash as to whether you want to stay married or not. It's sad, but it's real.

If you want to talk, pm me.

BH 60
WW 58
Two grown kids

DDay 1/15/2013

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ManWithNoName ( member #49186) posted at 3:56 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

@Mike 7 - excellent post - the best advice given in this thread!! Her cheating has thoroughly wiped W out - completely. She destroyed her family for NO reason at all - none. There have to be consequences. Plus it will show if she is truly remorseful or not

Although my gut tells me if they do separate she will see the OM again - just a hunch. Walloped your wife for all her crying is still in a fog - she chose this path for her own selfish pleasure nothing else - do not forget that. she's still addicted to the OM. She is fighting that addiction but she is still addicted.

This is 100% her doing and she should move out. What is infuriating is if they do divorce the cheating wife gets no monetary penalty for being a cheater - where is the justice in that.

Google "chumplady" and read her stuff it will do you a world of good. You need a broader perspective on this

[This message edited by ManWithNoName at 9:58 AM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

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 Walloped (original poster member #48852) posted at 4:14 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

I just checked in and read what you all wrote. Thank you. Thank you. I re-read what I wrote and am so embarrassed. I knew it was an emotional mess, I just hadn't realized how bad it was. I've been calling my brother but he was at his in-laws for the weekend and I couldn't call him. I finally crashed some time later, and then ran this morning and had a huge breakfast. I guess all if that emotion makes you hungry.

wk55 and 1985 - I cried when I read your posts. I read them over and over. I need to print them out and read them again when things get bad. Thank you.

eric1, mike7 & nononsense - thank you. your posts resonated with the solution oriented portion of my brain. And I think your right. I think I'm trying to keep it hold onto what I had yet that doesn't fit anymore. She's not who I thought she was. I was mistaken. Doesn't mean she doesn't have all these great qualities, but she isn't not the person I believed her to be. I need to let go of that person in my mind and understand who she is. I also need to disassociate myself from her from a reconciliation standpoint and come to an acceptance of us splitting. We may not split. But I need to prepare for it and accept it. And maybe even live it. Detach. I think only then will I be able to make rational decisions about my future and whether or not it includes her. I also think it'll help with the impact of the mind movies.

Thank you everyone for your posts of support and caring. We've been going at it for a while this morning and are on break right now. Your post carry me through this and I'm actually going to implement some of things you have said today. Just so you know, it had t been a bad weekend in terms of goals and discussions. My difficulty has been how to deal with the gaping wounds after being gut shot repeatedly. Ah shit...Onward Ho.

Me: BH 47
Her: WW 46
DDay 8/3/15
"Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.” - The Doctor

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nekorb ( member #40306) posted at 4:32 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

Good Morning, Walloped.

I'm sorry you're suffering with the mind movies and all that goes with them. Remind yourself that everyone posting to this thread has been through it as well and we lived to tell about it. You might feel like you're going to die - wish it sometimes even - but you won't.

Sometimes you just have to sit with that shit and go through it. Your mind is trying so hard to figure out what the fuck just happened - it has a surreal quality to it that's hard to interpret as reality on any level.

I spent a lot of months sobbing on my bedroom floor (with WH literally just stepping over me and walking around me and not even acknowledging I was there). About the only help I can give is to tell you that with time and therapy, it does get better.

That said - I think it's getting better for me because I'm getting divorced. I get to detach and not give a shit anymore. THAT said, if WH came to me in 2-3 years and wanted to "date", had done the work, etc, I don't know as the mind movie content would still be there....I think it's traumatic and it takes awhile for our brains to get over it.

I have PTSD related to the A - the triggers are getting much better - almost non-existent now except for a random trigger here and there that catches me off guard. But I'm 2 years out.

This takes time, Walloped. The whole thing - working through the pain and emotions, deciding if you're staying or going, sorting out your feelings about your WW.

To use an analogy - you're like the dieter that wants to lose 50 pounds in a week. It's just not possible, even though we'd all like it to be that way. You have to put in the work AND the time. It requires both.

We've got your back. Hang in there.

(((Walloped)))

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

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ManWithNoName ( member #49186) posted at 4:35 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

Walloped - the wife you knew before d-day is dead and she is never coming back. It's is ok to grieve her but she is gone forever. Infidelity kills the old marriage and the old spouse. What makes it particularly painful in your case is it dies for no damned reason - just her pleasure seeking selfishness.

You need to make her aware that the way you looked at her before d-day is gone she has torn that veil from your eyes and now you see her for who she really is - a woman who destroyed her family for the sake of some fleeting moments of pleasure.

Cheaters are the drunk dirvers of relationships - their actions kill a family of 4 and they frequently walk away without a scratch.

Your ability to R is gong to depend on if you are happy with the new, less ideal mrs.walloped. Like I stateed previously if you two did separate or divorce my gut tells me she jumps back into the OM's bed in a flash. I think she has not got him out of her system no matter what she says. She did/does love him in her warped mind.

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livinganew ( member #40270) posted at 5:21 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

Damn, W, I so strongly empathize with your trauma. I finally asked my doctor for help with sleeping; the lack of it was grinding me down. On top of what others are offering, I offer a different perspective (and apologize in advance, as I don't know it'll be helpful...)

We are not our "feelings;" we are our INTENTIONS. Acting out of our feelings is a fool's errand. "Feelings" are ephemeral. When we act out of them, we are unmoored. Despite their transient nature--indeed, perhaps because of it--we seek ever more intensely to replicate the ones that "feel" good. Sustaining actions based on those "feelings" then becomes who we are, as opposed to who we intend to be.

Acting out of our intentions is more stable, volitional, solid, foundational way to choose who we are. I have all kinds of feelings, but can choose whether to act on them. How I respond--not react--is everything, because what everyone says on here about "actions" is absolutely correct... ACTIONS solidify who we are.

As powerful as your feelings are right now, they are NOT who you are. A big part of your life has been shattered, and you are embracing that pain to get through it. I acknowledge you for that.

Two things... First, believe that the intensity of these feelings will ebb and flow and wane over time (because that's what feelings do.) Second, I invite you to anchor yourself in tangible action(s) that comport with how you INTEND to rebuild and live your life, no matter what happens to your marriage.

What is that you can do--beyond the vital actions of exercise, eating right, sleeping right, etc--that will define you from this struggle? How do you intend to live the rest of your life for you and you alone--again, irrespective R or D, or of any feelings you have right now?

Only you can answer these questions. For me, it was going to Mass every day; going to chapel pretty much every day to calm me down when I was breaking down, and doing more to enrich my soul (e.g., a silent retreat, which was completely different and wonderful!) From those actions, I'm gaining a better life (still accompanied by pain and imperfection, of course) of MY choosing.

How do you INTEND to live the rest of your life--for just you? What kind of person do you INTEND to be--just you? Then, act out of the answers to those questions--for just you.

Hope this helpful.

Blessings, LA

D-Day: Dec 23, 2012
Me: 57 BH; XWW: 55 (then)
16-yr EA and PA w/MOM--her boss; my "friend"
Married 30 yrs. 2DS: 27 & 25; DD: 21 (then)
Left for her AP
Divorced Jan 2014

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kaylor ( member #47193) posted at 8:40 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

just want to say that I think your handling things a lot better than most certainly better than I could.

The line about cheaters being the drunk drivers of relationships is a classic.

So many good posts particularly from mike77 but so many others as well.

hang in there mate.

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id 7324154
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ManWithNoName ( member #49186) posted at 8:42 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

@karylor thanks that was my line and its true...what the BS has to understand is their WS has a major defect somewhere - the BS and WS face the same problems and temptations but only one cheats. We tend to go easier on cheaters these days and that's not a good thing.

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SheWiz ( member #44633) posted at 9:14 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

Walluped - I'm so sorry about the bad night.

Yes, shaking is a big part of this. It's your body's reaction to all this stress. I couldn't even write a check mine was so bad.

Please get to a doctor as soon as you can. Both for sleep aids and even Xanax to calm your nerves. This can help tremendously. Some will tell you to go the natural route, and that is fine too but this is what worked for me.

The reason I didn't want many details about my WH's affair was because it was enough for me to know he had it. And, he already told me more than I was prepared to hear. You can't unhear those things, ever. I would question you going to your wife for more details of her affair. Are you sure you want to live with the truth and cause more mind movies?

Please take care of yourself. We sure all feel for you here. :(

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quedagh ( member #24195) posted at 9:20 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

There is no real "how" to getting through this morass. You just will. Not very comforting- but there it is.

For many, gathering the details and facing the replay of the mind movies is how it loses its power. The constant revisit of the horror allows your mind to put it to rest eventually. Each movie triggers a response, and you develop the ability to cope with it. Crash course in wisdom. Or maybe from a game aspect- a mastery of the map and the controls.

The worst thing is time. I hated when the posters here said in time you will get through this. But- like you raw in the pain of discovery- I wanted the pain to stop right away. I am sorry. I know it sucks.

Also, you are early and angry- and soon there will be rage. Real scary rage that far surpasses your anger and hurt right now. Be ready for it. It is frightening. Be ready to have outlets (running like you do is a good one). It will shock you if you are not ready.

Wishing you well. Just know you are heard and supported. The darkness does not last forever.

q

It may not define you but it sure as hell will affect how you think for the rest of your life.

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reallyscrewedup7 ( member #30825) posted at 9:43 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

Walloped,

I too am so sorry for the pain. It can be debilitating. Know that we are here and YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

You've gotten a lot of good information and advice, but I suggest you revisit what Mike7 wrote. And it also reflects on what you wrote. I am sure an extra level of hell has been heaped upon you because you really did not think she was capable of this.

There are too many of here that understand. Our wives were different. No way they would be something so cruel.

In addition to the other trauma you are facing, it would help to seek medical guidance. But more than that, please give yourself time to adjust to this new reality. Acceptance that she is indeed the kind of person who would do this is going to be so very hard for your soul, but something so very necessary for your mental well being.

Strength to you and your children.

Infidelity sucks shit

posts: 1145   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2011   ·   location: Finding my way
id 7324204
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mike7 ( member #38603) posted at 10:03 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

Doesn't mean she doesn't have all these great qualities, but she isn't not the person I believed her to be. I need to let go of that person in my mind and understand who she is. I also need to disassociate myself from her from a reconciliation standpoint and come to an acceptance of us splitting. We may not split. But I need to prepare for it and accept it. And maybe even live it. Detach. I think only then will I be able to make rational decisions about my future and whether or not it includes her.

you said it my friend. That's it in a nutshell. You don't have to divorce. You just have to detach. You have to become you again. In my case, I started running, lifting weights, lost 50 pounds. But more importantly, while I was on my own, my sense of self, my identity as myself, my confidence returned. We met for a vacation in Barcelona about a year out. She could see I was different. I viewed her as I would any woman. I believe she felt very vulnerable when I looked at her. She could tell I was evaluating her and wasn't too impressed. In truth, at that point I could have taken her or left her. I knew I would be fine. I wasn't really worried how she would be. She brought this on herself. I had become independent. I didn't require her for my happiness. While I was gone, I had a whole bunch of women interested in me. But to be honest, I wasn't interested. It all just seemed like so much work. I'm happy with me. That's where you want to get to. be happy with just yourself, whether she's around or not. When you're there, it's a nice feeling.

As you know I eventually decided to reconcile. I think you may as well. I think I see good things from your wife at the moment. But that has to be sustained. If the moment you move out she starts going out, or calling her lover, then you know you've got to let her go. If she doesn't then maybe you can date her to see if you still want her.

hang in there. You'll be ok.

[This message edited by mike7 at 4:05 PM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

BH 60
WW 58
Two grown kids

DDay 1/15/2013

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wantthistostop ( member #48922) posted at 10:13 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

Walloped,

Your courage and determination are going to get you through this.

My difficulty has been how to deal with the gaping wounds after being gut shot repeatedly. Ah shit...Onward Ho.

Since you are a Monty Python fan remember "its only a flesh wound". You will heal, but the wound has re-opened and it definitely sets you back.

Since nothing can undo what has been done, the question is whether there is any possibility of healing whether you get all the gory details or not? And an acknowledgment or acceptance that things will be totally different going forward.

do

First you need to heal Then you can figure out what you want your future to look like. Separation can help provide some perspective, but it also makes D is easier; Some do not have the fortitude or willingness to do the work needed to R and some do not have a willing W!

Each of us B's are jaded now and forever altered, the façade we constructed of our W has crumbled before us, we don't know who they are anymore, the person we loved wholly and whom we trusted with our life, is not that person. Can you learn to love this new person and are you willing to forgive (although you will never forget!) The searing pain of the burn will eventually subside and the wound will heal, a scar will remain.

I was reading some of the articles in the healing library today. One of the articles was written by a W, and suggested a list of demands "tough love" Things that you will not tolerate or will not accept on a go forward basis. Maybe that's one of your lists already?

There was an analogy to having had a sledgehammer to one knee, and the W expecting you to get up and walk like nothing happened. They must help, be gentle and caring, they wielded the fucking sledgehammer. You want an end to the secrecy and you are trying to figure out whether she can earn your respect back before anything else. I would get a lot more counselling before making any decision on either option, unless you need space away to process what S/D would look like?

Being in the same household does not provide much respite, and the resentment must be palpable.

Last analogy.....

Think of your M as a garden. Recently the garden was poisoned/contaminated, most of the plants/flowers died and the garden was just decimated, but with removal of the poisoned/contaminated soil, remediation and putting in new soil, the ground can be fertile again and new plants and flowers can blossom. If you want to remove the contaminated soil, you are going to have to get dirty and work hard, but if you do, your garden will be improved and likely more beautiful!

Sorry for the long winded wax philosopher/poet (Not!) was just following my stream of consciousness today, after doing some research of my own!

Wish you a better evening tonight.

(((((Walloped)))))

Want this to Stop

BGF: Me 51 D 2002 DS 21 and DD 20
XWBF: 50
D day: August 9, 2015

Taking it one day at a time!

posts: 212   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2015   ·   location: Toronto, Canada
id 7324231
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whattheh ( member #40032) posted at 10:30 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2015

Some people have EMDR treatments to help with processing the trauma. You are at risk for PTSD because of your long M and the shock you felt because you were so blindsided. Your IC may be familiar with it but you can google to learn more on your own.

Ive read that if you feel R is a possibility that staying under same roof helps things along. Some people do inhouse separation if the BS needs space. It helps to keep an eye on WS as well and hold them accountable for total transparency and NC. This may help your kids to transition through whatever the outcome is. Just another option to think about...

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:31 PM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

Retired & now in 60's-M 39 Yrs-DD 2013-TT for 3 yrs (new details incl there had been 3 more MOWs)--all this started with porn use for mid 50s WH (felt he was possessed)~~Cheating and aftermath is huge time waste with high opportunity cost~~

posts: 1547   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 7324243
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