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I feel that I shouldn't post here as I'm risking posting too much, but during a period of what should be hyper-intercommunication how can she have called her parents without discussing it with your first, or at worst giving you a heads up seconds afterwards?

Hey W. Sending you strength and prayers brother. You will get through this.

Just a thought.

#1-Did she wear her wedding rings while doing the POS? If so it would have to be done away with as she touched him and his junk with that ring. Even if I could reconcile I would have to divorce to get rid of the anniversary date and maybe she could win you back. Any future ring would be simple little band as the jewels have been destroyed by her actions.

#2- Does she realize she has also betrayed all the children she was trying to help by her actions.

#3- After a while I would have her call one of the other volunteers and ask if POSOM still volunteers there. If the answer is yes....follow through with your threats.

Im the type that I would also let her know all the damage to the charity(and the children it helped) is part of the fallout from their actions. Loss of their money as well as other volunteers husbands being notified and suspicious of their own wives actions there.

[This message edited by DivinelyFavored at 6:56 AM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

She should not be the one to call and inquire about him still working there - it will get back to Mr. Ego and he will start pursuit again. I'm sure you have a way to find out if he's still there and make good on your threat

I was thinking they may be told to not admit if any one inquired. But a couple months from now she called, they would think...well its OK to tell her she's one of us.

Thinking of you, W. Hope the weekend is going well.

I know it's bad W - I remember.

The mind movies serve a purpose. It desensitizes you to the trauma...it does get better - really - they don't come as much or as vividly as time passes.

What can you do now though? When they are wreaking havoc with your emotional and physical health? I had to use Ativan. Just at night - turned my mind down so I could sleep. It worked wonders. Also - many members have tried EDMR therapy - very effective with trauma recovery. Also - don't endure them alone. Allow your wife to see and feel your pain. It provides her with the opportunity to demonstrate remorse - she should be offering you comfort when it's this bad.

Oh, Walloped.

I am so sorry you are feeling this pain. The mind movies and associated sensory events are debilitating. So many of us have had anger and hurt and hate swirling around as we learn more about the treachery from our spouse. This betrayal cuts to the very quick.

Deep breathing exercises may help, distractions work only so long. I do appreciate your geek choices...gaming etc. but this is insidious. Try to get into your therapist sooner than Thursday. Depression and sleeplessness go hand in hand and you need some extra help.

Healing from infidelity takes a long time.

W,

I am here for you man. I'm awake and if you need to text or msg I'm happy to drop you my email.

I am an RPGer too and I understand during crisis time how they just don't seem to do what they're supposed to do.

Don't think about it as how it applies to you. You were fucking lied to by a very selfish person who wanted (and got) exactly what she wanted. You're hurt and you should be. They don't called BSes 'victims' for no reason.

Nights like tonight are going to happen. Personally, I do anger push-ups. Just do as many as you can. Count to 30. Do it again. At some point your body will fail. You'll feel 1% better afterwards but 1% is better than 0%.

I feel you on emotional versus physical. It's like trying to pick between cancer and AIDS.

Bro-hugs, man! When you'll be in IC, make sure to ask about EMDR therapy and PTSD treatment.

Best wishes

See your doctor asap. I suffered for too long without his help. He told me he really wished I had come to see him sooner. The stress took a huge toll on me physically as well as emotionally. He gave me a small dosage of AD and my life changed.

As far as right now...when I have mind movies in the middle of the night, I read and read other people's stories on here. I learn as much as I can glean from other posts. I also reach out to those earlier in the process than I am. It takes my mind off of me for awhile. It helps distract my mind.

It sucks right now. I know. It does get better. You will get to the other side of this. I promise. You will be happy again. Time. It is the best healer.

[This message edited by Ginny at 2:30 AM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

I am sorry. I don't know what the answer is to the mind movies and replaying conversations etc. I wish I did. I just know how you are feeling. I had a healthy enough dose of TT myself tonight and it is crushing me.

Hang in there. Maybe more time with your brother? Good luck for what tomorrow brings.

she was into him. Really into him. She initiated. And I don't know what's worse...the emotional part or the sex

It's not like with you, because it fell apart the minute their little secret was found out. She came back to you immediately, and has dropped him like a hot potato. The guy tried to contact her 14 times and she blocked him, the only time she wanted to contact him was to vent her anger about it.

The sex was not that great, in retrospect, it was just sex. The "clicking" emotionally was not that great, because in retrospect she realized how fake it all was. NOT SO FOR YOU. The sex is something she wants with you still, the emotions is something she wants with you. Not him.

I am assuming you have seen enough with messages with other man, and she was not saying terrible things about you. Her huge problem with you was that you didn't do enough with the wedding preparations for your daughter. There is no evidence of her saying she doesn't love you, not enjoy sex with you. I am assuming she did not ever tell other man that he was better than you in any way.

The finances, the kids, her reputation, her "lifestyle" - that is not the reason she is staying with you. The kids already know anyway. She would tell others if you asked her to, her former co-volunteers know about it. The finances the "lifestyle," would not be that big a deal for her, you would be paying through the nose, and her "lifestyle" actually would be fantastic IF she wanted to be with other man, because you would openly have to babysit the kids 3-4 days a week while she can openly date other men, IF that's what she wanted. She wants you. With other man it was completely fake, even if she mistakenly thought it was real at the time. That is the bottom line.

The other bottom line: She let this other guy get in. She did not seek it out. But when she felt like she was "stepping over the line," she let it go and did not stop. It felt good, I have never used drugs but maybe it was like using drugs. There is a well-established body of science about the "drugs" in "new relationships," and in part these "drugs" over-rid her love for you.

There is a loss of "special," in my opinion, based on the loss of YOUR PERCEPTION that your wife was better than that, more morally than that, had more strength and character and integrity than that. She is that person you thought, but not as much as you had thought.

I am over three years out, so I can see it a little more than you in the "big picture" and put it in perspective. You are still in the thick of it, you are trying to look at the forest, but you are still in the middle of the forest, so you don't have that "big picture."

Walloped, I can feel your anguish.

You are a strong man with a good trip on reality.

This stage is scaring the shit out of you, but you will not lose your mind.

Unfortunately, it's the BS "right of passage," so to speak. Spiraling into the mind movies is almost unavoidable. But, your self preservation mode will kick in and they will not overtake you.

For your wife, it was all compartmentalized. Harsh for us to accept, but that's the reality. No comparisons required.....yeah, right. Tell that to my subconscious.

Eric always seems to offer wise counsel.

walloped

I will say it again.

Slow it down. Patience.

If you do not stop trying to fix what cannot be fixed especially over a weekend you cannot wind up having a heart attack or giving yourself a nervous breakdown my friend.

slow it down.

You knew you were going to find out more facts that were going to hurt you.

HOW COULD THEY NOT? YOU PRETTY MUCH PUT YOUR WIFE ON A PEDESTAL.....

So take a break. I prefer a good solid hour of Halo killing aliens to get my mind off things but a good round of Command & Conquer: Zero Hour is a nice distraction as well.

I think you should wait for your IC on Thursday before diving back into your wifes affair.

You know the facts:

The OM pursued your wife.

He bagged her.

She enjoyed it. She then pursued it.

She had feelings for OM while still being married to you.

So now you know your great wife is completely capable of lying, cheating and compartmentalization to a high degree.

Do you really need to know anymore???

What else do you really need to know about what they did or how they felt about each other???

Because the real fact of the matter is their affair was complete fantasy. Their entire affair (relationship) was built on lies and BS.

There was nothing real about their affair.

If it was truly real and she wanted to be with him she would have walked out the door with a bag in her hand and saying goodbye to you with a meek "I'm sorry".

What you are really wondering to yourself is if in fact you still have enough love left for your wife that you want to remain married to her?

That thought would frighten me as well.

And in the back of your mind you ask yourself "if my wife loves me like she claims to how could she betray me like this???"

That too is a frightening thought.

Plowing thought this mess any faster is only going to hurt you worse. I understand this is your personality but slow down a little.

Because your wife is going through this mess with you. And yes I understand she made this mess but when the Affair is taken out of the equation she has to go through the same process as you.

"If I claim to love my husband then how was I capable of lying, cheating and having a relationship with the OM?"

But her introspection has to go a little deeper:

"If I feel that I am a good person, a good wife, a good Mom then how was I able to become such a selfish person and make decisions based on my desires without any worry about the possible outcomes???"

What I am trying to convey to you is that you both have a lot on your plate.

The real decision you both have to contemplate is can you forgive her? And will she be able to forgive herself?

The decision to R or D comes later.

HM

Punch the shit out of it.. Please start some physical activity.. Remember the day you went ATVing ?

[This message edited by kimichi at 8:16 AM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

Walloped,

I feel your pain. I have been following your story from the beginning. I'm new to SI as well. My DD was July 24th, and I can't get the mind movies to stop either. The emotional rollercoaster doesn't ever seem to stop.

My WH had an EA, and it's killing me. We had gone away on vacation, and he spent the whole time texting and calling her. He invited her and her family to a sporting event, with a few other families, as well as ours, and she sat right beside him (of course, I didn't know at the time).

Thank goodness for the wonderful people on SI. If it weren't for SI, I'm sure we would all feel like we were the only ones in the world going through this.

I'm going to make a doctor's appointment this week, to help with the sleep. If you haven't done so already, you should too.

Take care of yourself, please, and know that others are thinking of you and saying prayers for you and your kids.

Kimichi has exactly what I was thinking about. If you can, put POS's picture on it (after all, if he is in real estate, there must be pictures of him out there), it will make you feel so much better. You could even suggest to your wife to put on the gloves and have a go at him.

[This message edited by marbou888 at 8:29 AM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

What you have just described, the emotions running wild, the mind movies, the constant replay loop, the mind going to those very dark places --- that was me. That was every BS who has been posting to you. And very BS on this site who hasn't posted to you. What you are experiencing is absolutely normal for the amount of time after DDay you are at.

I know hearing it doesn't help much, but please know that it gets better. It just takes time. Not what you want to hear, but it is true.

What I will tell you is so very difficult to do, but if you can it will help. Keep reminding yourself -- all those things were THEN. You are living in NOW. They are done. They are past.

It is not to excuse them. Not to dismiss them or rug sweep them. They have to be processed and dealt with. But you have to teach your mind how to categorize them as the past to be explored and dealt with when you choose leaving the present free to give you some pleasure and relaxation. I suppose it is in a way learning how to control thoughts by suppressing them; but just not suppressing permanently. Only suppressing until the times you are ready to let them out to explore, process and, over time, get past.

I think that part of being able to do that is getting to the point of believing you have the full story. Until there your mind will keep conjuring up all the what ifs and maybes and keep driving you to dark places. Once you feel that you have it all it is easier to start doing what I describe above. Hopefully when you finish your talks today you will feel like you have it all.

Try to remind yourself that there are 2 kinds of Affairs. In one the WS really doesn't care about the BS. When caught, there is never any remorse, there are either no attempts or false attempts to end it and rebuild. The WS truly is gone and doesn't care. You can read examples of this throughout the threads on SI.

The other kind of A is one where the WS gets caught up in the fantasy and the excitement and is just broken enough to believe it is real UNTIL caught. And then reality starts to set in followed by horror at what she/he has done and eventually by remorse and grief. And a realization that true love and fulfillment was right in front of them with the spouse. When that happens, the brokenness can be fixed with sufficient effort. Amends can be made to the extent that amends are possible. And rebuilding can occur. But it doesn't all happen overnight and all the pain has to be acknowledged and worked thru.

Your. W's A looks like the second kind. She realizes it was all one big screwed up fantasy that had no substance and was the ultimate in stupidity. She THOUGHT she was into him but in. Truth it was fantasy. She thought it was real but it was all just bullshit in a broken mind.

Please don't torture yourself with thoughts it IS real still. She knows better. Allow yourself to start accepting that she knows he was and is a worthless POS and that you are the real man. That she was broken and now knows it and wants to fix herself. That as fucked up as the PAST is --- it is the past.

I know, everyone here knows, how very difficult it is to come to grips with that. And it is still very early for you. But once you can come to grips with that understanding you will begin to be able to better handle the mind movies and process everything. Peace