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Walloped

I pray you got some sleep last night.

And I think it is clear how much you love your wife.

And yes this weekend will most likely hurt both of you when you talk again.

Can I make a suggestion?

Move your wife out of the master bedroom. I think it was a mistake letting her stay in it.

I understand your reason to make "normalcy" look and feel the same for your kids. Especially the boys.

But if you have not had any desire for your wife lately (completely understandable in your case) I truly think your wife needs a change of view.

She truly needs time to contemplate while home.

And I think she needs to understand that you will return to the bedroom "When you ask her to return to your bed".

Just think about it. It is not punishment. It is a consequence.

It also shows your wife that you are no longer going to continue to punish yourself for her bad choices.

Because you are.

Google the term "hysterical bonding".

Don't be surprised if it happens in the near future.

HM

MARBOU888 is spot on...Like a cunning spider, he created the perfect storm and played on her vulnerability. That is when her Oxytocin kicked in. The bonding hormone in mammals is so powerful, it can completely blind, and she never saw it coming. Seduced and oblivious in her mind. POS is the lowest form of human life, and his day will come. NC at all cost. Even a legal restraining order filed by WW would help. He is a sexual predator and your wife was the prey. Continued prayers from my family to yours.

eric 1,

What I mean by pointing the if questions as a way to know if W is plan B is that he needs to know/believe he is plan A if decide to R. I believe this is important as he, at least in his head, had a great marriage before the affair, which means he can do nothing more to fix his pre marriage problems if his WW is not in love with him any more.

I totally agree tha the if questions must be use carefully as the aswer is justnot real.

The real matter IMO is to know if his WW is in love with him and if she trying to save her marriage for the rigth reazons.

I dont believ if she is out of love wirh W she will run back to OM, I believ he is gone for good now, but it doesnt mean that she in the future will not look for someone else, wich I belive she will not, or be with W out of guilt, shame and fear and not because she loves W the way W loves her.

You are entitled to your opinion as I am, and dont belive I am not aware of my words about W situation and the responsability that I feel when I write them.

IMO we are not here to agree or diagree, we are here to give different angles on W problem. W is smarth enougth to filter your words, mine and from others at SI.

I am here to share my point of view based on my own experience, not to impose it to others, hoping it may help at least a little even if it makes clear that I am wrong.

Good luck

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 7:46 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

WhattheH:

You mentioned earlier that OM is wealthy and that WW told you he took her to high end restaurants. I would ask her what if any gifts OM gave her and where are they now?

you should add this to your list of questions, It might helped to avoid triggers down the road.

You also might want to ask if OM ever rode or anything else in her/your car.

Absolutely:

Finally, to eric1’s point – I do believe I hurt POS by calling the organization, and by calling his wife. Besides hurting him it accomplished 3 other important things: a) Sent him a message that I am not scared of him, nor am I a wimp who will take this lying down. b) It sends that message to my wife – that I will fight back, and that there are consequences beyond just her for her actions. c) It made me feel really, really, good. And the fact that it was at his expense made it all the more sweet.

I think this is all perfectly consistent with my character.

Especially the bolded part.

[This message edited by convert at 8:15 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

MrHealed

eric 1,

What I mean by pointing the if questions as a way to know if W is plan B is that he needs to know/believe he is plan A if decide to R. I believe this is important as he, at least in his head, had a great marriage before the affair, which means he can do nothing more to fix his pre marriage problems if his WW is not in love with him any more.

I totally agree tha the if questions must be use carefully as the aswer is justnot real.

The real matter IMO is to know if his WW is in love with him and if she trying to save her marriage for the rigth reazons.

I dont believ if she is out of love wirh W she will run back to OM, I believ he is gone for good now, but it doesnt mean that she in the future will not look for someone else, wich I belive she will not, or be with W out of guilt, shame and fear and not because she loves W the way W loves her.

You are entitled to your opinion as I am, and dont belive I am not aware of my words about W situation and the responsability that I feel when I write them.

IMO we are not here to agree or diagree, we are here to give different angles on W problem. W is smarth enougth to filter your words, mine and from others at SI.

I am here to share my point of view based on my own experience, not to impose it to others, hoping it may help at least a little even if it makes clear that I am wrong.

Good luck

I totally see where you are coming from. I just don't see a path to actually knowing this nor do I think that this will be material by the time he needs to make a decision. I'd put this under "procedural" tbh. He'll know deep down if there is a path to trust that will exist. If that path doesn't exist (or frankly will not be worth it), then he'll choose to go to quick divorce and spare everyone the pain.

I mean the most likely scenario is this:

- She fell in love with her boyfriend

- She compartmentalized Whallup and Family

- She now knows what she did was wrong

- She will lie to herself and minimize what "love" was. As the distance between her and her affair grows she'll manage to convince herself that it was something different.

I guess if Whallup wants to make a decision on where he stands on her pecking order that would make sense. My gut feel is that Whallup isn't the type to compete for someone that ostensibly should be his soulmate.

I also don't think that it's material since if he has ANY inkling that there is something reserved or held back then it's a dealbreaker.

By the time he has to make a decision he'll have all of that answered to himself. That decision is a far ways away.

------

I also think it's really disrespectful to her and to women in general as these helpless creatures who can be manipulated. She knew the first time that she went out to lunch with him that there was "something there". She could have, and should have, said that she didn't have time and really had to get home to her husband and kids.

Hang in there, Walloped.

Eric1

Getting back to the big picture, you have never heard of Occum's Razor have you?

Occam's razor (or Ockham's razor), yes! It states that "when you have two competing theories that make exactly the same predictions, the simpler one is the better." I think we are talking about the same thing. I was just more explicit. You oversimplify things by calling it "a dumb typical affair". There are just several types of affairs.

I know I made it sound like a Danielle Steel movie, but the ending is different. In a Danielle Steel movie, Walloped would be fighting to regain his wife's love and everyone would be happy in the end. In the real life version, the wife is caught cheating and faces the consequences while the husband is devastated.

[This message edited by marbou888 at 2:20 PM, August 21st (Friday)]

our role is best served advising Whallup to emotionally prepare for separation. By getting over that, you abstract fear and comfort from the decision.

^^^This.

You cannot make decisions from a place of fear, Walloped. Well, you could, but they probably wouldn't be healthy or productive.

As the weekend approaches, I am thinking of you. I am going the poly route. This is how I know for sure the TT is over. Also I have everything from his phone forwarded to an email (as it comes in and goes out) that only I have the password for. It SUCKS. Who wants to be a cop in a relationship? However, these safeguards will keep me safe while he does the hard work to make the changes from within. Also a financial agreement. And his eagerness in offering to do all the above (and offering to do anything else I suggest) shows me a genuine commitment to change.

I agree with PPs who have suggested you make the poly notion a reality. Quell your lingering fears. Know for sure you have the truth. I am doing it towards the end of the year so I can also ask if there have been any other lies about anything else etc.

This is a misery like no other. Losing my parents was easier to get through and that was so painful. The knowledge that someone you loved so much could DO this to you is, for me, at times, too much to take.

Does your older daughter know now? Your 19 and 16 year olds sound like great girls. And as hard as it was to have them find out, and as much as you might wish they didn't know, all that good parenting you know your wife put in,and that you gave,will serve them well. I hope the IC helps them too. Are they close with your wife's sister? Can they talk to her about it? Sometimes a woman a little removed but very much invested is helpful for teen girls.

You are strong and self aware, you will gather the full story and at some point you will choose your path. And we will all be here to help and support you.

In treatment, we dealt with the concept of euphoric recall. Simple concept. We tend to only remember the good things and disassociate the negative. Positive and negative reinforcement. The tool we use to deal with this trigger is for us to "play the tape all the way through". When your wife has the euphoric recall, it must be balanced quickly with the negative consequence and horrible pain it generated. IC will get her there. Hard boundaries are mega important, now more than ever. She was soft putty in his palm. Beside your wife and his wife, how many other women do you think POS was bedding in a normal week for the past three months? He has seduction down to a fine art and I am sure his technique, sexual and otherwise have been honed to perfection. A players player and a pure piece of s__t. This cancer has to be removed. You are doing great IMHO & so is you wife 18 days removed. Trust your gut! Again, prayers this weekend from our family to yours.

W - of course I meant she's lying about everything related to her cheating. Everything that you cannot verify. Accepting that would help your perspective as to her current activities but, well, your not ready.

I hate having to see another BH crushed over and over as he finds out more ugly truth's as time goes on. It's like re-living a nightmare for me, and it's something that is universal. It's like a script playing out every time. You are now easing into the "protecting my wife" phase. You'll stay in this phase even when the first couple of trickle-truths come out because, well, "she's doing everything right". This protecting her phase will end as the weight of her betrayal begins to sink in to your psyche. You will not be able to lie to yourself anymore and blindly hold on to the "I can get over this" mantra you'll soon be chanting.

Lot's of people will now weigh in with the old "he's projecting because of his experience". To that I say - yeah, aren't we all? But my experience goes way, way beyond my wife's infidelity. My experience is years of research and participating in forum's like this and watching the same pattern unfold over and over again. W fit's a very common profile of a BH and predicting how things are going to proceed is as easy as reading the paper. Still, I hope to God I'm wrong because when I read these stories I feel the pain of every BH.

Hey W....

I am reading the most recent posts in the thread.

You, Sir, are most welcome!!!

I hope you are not worried about the present "lack" of movement on the bottom half, that is likely only temporary! Yes I would speak to the IC or your GP if it continues.

I had to laugh (probably the first time I have laughed in weeks) when I read your post in response. about TMI...Danger! You really have a great sense of humour and I am so glad you still have it! Don't ever let that be a casualty of all this. I also laughed when I read the post that described the way blood flowed and deprived oxygen to WW's brain! WTF! I was thinking isn't that like the little head controlling the big one!!

All I will say is... I am not sure the value in re-visiting all of that other than the obvious self-induced torture that comes with it! You have made significant gains moving forward and I can only encourage you to keep doing what you are doing, it's working!!

And your IC has a sound game plan, deal and heal. You have a great head on your shoulders, a huge heart, and you aren't wallowing!

I will be thinking about you this weekend, since we are both in roughly the same spot trying to get answers to questions.

Truth session survival guide checklist:

List of questions, check!

Deep breathing exercises, check!

Being prepared for more pain, check!

GPS coordinates and lifeboat, check!

Resolve to remain calm, check!

I truly hope WW realizes how truly special you are and gives you what you need to keep moving forward, however that looks.

With many hugs and best wishes

(((((())))))

Want this to stop.

Way to pay it forward Walloped. I see you posted in another thread and reached out to another fellow member. That's great. That's what makes this place so special.

I've been following your posts and I think you have a real good shot at R. If that's what you want. I did at first but realized once the shock wore off that it was a dealbreaker for me.

I never got the truth and I hope the timeline you get this weekend is brutally honest. I like the idea of backing it up with a polly.

Is this her first and only affair? That's a good polly question.

mate just wishing you well.

Good luck.

are you concerned over using the wife's therapist ?

So many times on this board, the therapist can be a problem in that they help mitigate the actions of the wayward spouse. Maybe your wife has a very good one. Maybe she falls into this category ? And if so, what are the daughters learning from this ? If not, then they may be in good hands...

Just a passing thought based on my experiences in personal life and this board

Walloped,

Start some kind of physical activity. cannot recommend it enough.

Gym, lifting weights, running, cycling or even some boxing..some kind of physical activity.

People shit on Crossfit but it works well for this. You get the poop beat out of you, a coach yelling at you (it's nice not being the one to make decisions for once), a scheduled time, friendly environment.

I PR'd my power clean today at 200 (a lot for this computer geek)

[This message edited by eric1 at 6:15 PM, August 21st (Friday)]

Don't ask your wife.

Call your inlaws and say "Hi! Whats up!"

Your wife should be coming to you with an update.

Maybe she will have it on her agenda this weekend.

Have fun.

HM