SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow, HouseOfPlane, that is a helluva post; thank you taking time to write it.

In fact, to everyone here--including you, Walloped--thank you for such wonderful, meaningful, human, truthful posts, all based on our shared experience and suffering.

Amazing.

Blessings, LA

Walloped, please don't feel bad for getting emotional and angry with your WW. That is going to happen, and frankly I think it will help for her to see the level of your rage and pain. By all means, aspire to some kind of Spock calmness, that is a noble goal. But you ain't Spock. You are just an irrational human in a hellish situation, doing your best. You. Are. Doing. Your. Best. You are going to get through this. You are.

Walloped,

I come to this thread several times a day. I somehow ended up being a BS (DDay July 19) and I gain strength from your posts. I have found myself reading words from you that I have said. I guess we all share the universal feelings of the deeply betrayed.

I just want to say thank you for sharing. You came seeking guidance, but you should know you also give so much to others like me by sharing your insights and your journey through this nightmare none of us imagined we would experience.

Walloped

I've followed your story from the beginning and noticed a few things.

You are indeed analytical and pay special attention to details. Your description of conversations with your wife are vivid, detailed and tend to fully describe her thoughts.

You are moving very fast through the process and I think it is your nature to do so.

I think you have gone from the shock stage to the anger stage in the process. Your wife will be the recipient of this and your allowed to vent here as you see fit. Hopefully you will move on soon as I feel the anger, which is part of the process, clouds your decision making process.

You're the only person that really knows your wife and can sit across from her and interpret her words, deciding the honesty and true meaning of them. You have done a good job of sorting through the comments here and deciding which apply to you and your wives situation. You alone have to decide when she has shown true remorse and when to begin allowing her to repair the damage. It may only be because you are a prolific writer, but your writings have convinced me she is being honest and remorseful, the key ingredients to moving on.

At the risk of rehashing the subject, I have been in the position of your children. I didn't know why my parents divorced until an adult and would have been shocked and confused if told as a child that my father slept with our neighbors wife. I fully agree with your decision. That is something that only adults are capable of fully understanding without prejudice.

As you move through this process very quickly please keep in mind that, as you want to resolve it quickly, the emotional sequence that your going through will find it's own pace and I doubt you'll be able to rush it. You may have to slow down and give yourself time to get through the emotions of this so that you are of a sound mind to make the decisions that will effect you, your wife and your children for the rest of your lives. Many here are telling you to take your time to decide and that is sage advice.

After reading a great many of the sad stories posted here, based on what you've posted, I would rate your situation the best I've seen for reconciliation provided you can get through it emotionally. If not, I respect your feelings and position.

Walloped,

There are two reasons to tell the kids.

The first is that they are going to find out anyway, and they already know that something is up.

The second is that you will be demonstrating that you both have a commitment to marriage, however we are only human and we make mistakes, and even if you end up not reconciling, you will have done everything you could to to save the marriage. (Remember the SI motto, believe what they do, not what they say.) This will give your kids a healthy view of marriage instead of a jaded one.

And the whole just really frazzles my mind.

...and then the term "mindfuck" was born.....

One side note about telling the kids - I didn't tell ours until we were telling them we were divorcing. If we had gone through R, I think I would not have told them until they were a bit older, in serious relationships, etc.

Do you want them to love their mom for who they think she is? Or who she IS? I agree that the situation provides the opportunity to teach our kids about love and forgiveness, but also about appropriate boundaries and expected behavior in a relationship if D has to be the way.

There is no quick fix, I'm sorry to say.

Breathe.

I agree with others that your WW needs to feel true shame about this. She seems very self aware almost coached.

In the end its important that you both share the same opinion about the OM.

It is troubling that she feels betrayed by him because it just confirms that she has feelings for him. And saying that she did this for nothing if he didn't love her is also telling.

Some people need to convince themselves that they are in love in order to cheat and live with themselves. The shame part helps them to get past this vision and see what they really did. Thats when the healing starts. Your wife was not the only one used and she was not a victim.. WWs use their AP just like they are used.

Its a shame you cant read those emails now upfront.

My fWH was a very decent man who I had on a pedastal. I also had a very romatic view of our relationship and marriage. Luckily my fWH did not care for MOW or I would not have been able to R. In my mind if he had truly loved another woman then his love for me was gone or second rate.

The advice to go through the process and give it time is sound.You likely have a good chance at R if you both choose it. But your M and your view of your WW will be different. Mine is different but I would rather have this than be without my fWH.

I think Houseofplane nailed it.

Walloped I am by no means qualified to offer you advice on your current situation with your WW. I never married. My first girlfriend, of over a year, cheated on me in 1987. Then my fiancée cheated on me in late 1990 which is what broke me. I never trusted another woman down till this day. But that's not what I have to say to you. I have been reading your post's and it is truly heartbreaking. What caught my attention was your comment about maybe not being able to trust your SIL. I came home from work in 1987 to find HER brother parked in front of where I lived. I got out of my car and asked him what was up? HE told me my girlfriend, (HIS SISTER) was cheating on me. I was floored. As well as completely devastated. He told me he thought I was a good guy and his conscious was bothering him. That flew up in my mind when I was reading about your SIL. I am not saying you should trust her if you don't feel comfortable. I am just saying it does happen. I am pulling for you brother.....Longforgotten.

Wow, this story is killing me and I'm supposed to be a long way out of it.

Anyway, this

And she bought into it and craved it and then she found out none of it was true and that she threw her life away for nothing and she couldn't handle that.

Contradicts this

She said no. It wasn’t that she loved him. Not like that. She loved how he made her feel.

So it'd be okay to throw her life away if it was true love?

I think she's rewriting what happened based on new information. And I think she is trying to believe the new story.

[This message edited by nuance at 11:12 PM, August 17th (Monday)]

W

At this point you just can not believe a word that she says. She is a proven lier. From now on she needs to show what she mean by actions.

IMO the first thing she needs to do is an adamant and continued effort to put her self toguether to be a funtional parent and heal her self. She needs these things back ti think clearly and I believe you can tell her this. Even if you D or R you need her to be well and copatenting with her.

You did good Walloped.

W

forgot to tell you

Great job!!!

Good job man!

Strategically speaking now may be a time to have her agree to what the outline of a divorce would look like. In your state the outcome of a divorce can be very unfavorable for you, as I believe you've already recovered. It's solid action, words are completely F'ing worthless now).

Walloped: See your doctor and get something to help you sleep. I waited nearly a year to do that because I was sure I could 'handle' it myself and because I'm not crazy about taking prescription meds. That meant for a year I shook and felt like my body was on a constant hum. See your doc !

I'm a fixer. It was a HUGE blow to me that I could not fix our M. Until I realized it wasn't our M that needed the repair; it was my now-xh. And I didn't realize that till 6 months after D-Day and, by then, I realized that no respect and no trust for your spouse = no way to live.

You're doing well, believe it or not. When you feel you aren't, revisit HouseofPlane's posts. He's spot on. Someone else suggested spending regular time with your brother. Do it. And realize that you never get over infidelity; you get through it but you never get over it. (((( ))))

This is my new normal. Hello, dazed and confused.

Welcome to the rollercoaster.

You did fine. And yes you told her what she needs to do.

Now sit back and see if she puts actions to her words.

You do realize your girls are going to pick up on this "situation" pretty quickly.

And I understand this troubles you.

Keep being you.

HM

Walloped, I am nearly 50 years old, and I as said before. I am in no position to offer you advice. But as I said before I have been reading your account from the beginning. It has really shook me up. So this evening I waited till my parents were together after the news and asked if I could ask them about something? They agreed. They have been married since 1963. 52 years. I read them your entire story. They told me, as they have before, you have to be totally dedicated to your spouse. They said in their first year of marriage they agreed that if they were dissatisfied for any reason they would tell the other. They each said that cheating was a deal breaker either way. I said but what about.... they stopped me and said, there's no about what. They got up off the couch and went to bed. Him on a walker and her holding his arm. God is it really that simple? Don't know if this helps anyone, but there it is.

From disbelief to stunned to shattered. Self-esteem gone. Walking on eggshells wondering what hideous truth is going to trickle out today. Wondering if she's trying so hard to say exactly what she thinks you want to hear. Knowing she screwed him over and over - seeing it in your mind. Looking at her and wondering if you really want to kiss that dirty mouth again. If you can sleep you don't wake up rested. Yeah, being a BH is 24x7 torture. And reconciliation? Reconciliation is so damn painful and takes so damn long and, in the end, you might divorce anyway.

If you walk away right now your recovery starts immediately. Zero - and I mean zero - contact with her. Start divorce proceedings. See a counselor or priest or good friend or whomever and talk about your recovery.

Not seeing her face reduces triggers. Not hearing her lying voice reduces triggers. Facing a new life without that cheater gives you strength and builds your self-esteem. Or just keep doing what you're doing and feeling how you're feeling.