SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The question is not if she wants a second chance. It's "Do I want to give it to her?"

It's quotes like this why you are so far ahead of the game.

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You are a very pragmatic guy it seems. Some folks just can't live with infidelity - the mind movies, the "what would have happened if I didn't catch her", what was big for me was "how would have she gotten ready for him this morning if I hadn't caught her, what would be going through her mind", I finally accepted that I believed her that it wasn't about me - and unltimately that's what hurt. Everything I did was measured as part of us as a team, and I ultimately decided that I deserved a teammate.

That's just my view, and each of our posts are going to be colored by our core beliefs. They're going to be influenced by our experiences.

I also believe in reconciliation, but in certain circumstances. I can see reconciliation more for a ONS or a tryst without feelings. To me, the EA is much more than a PA. Then there are folks where the PA is the worst part. You have both a PA and a EA on your hands.

A relationship like this may have received it's killing blow.

When you get a Christmas present, you'll be like "I wonder what she would have gotten for him. I wonder if she would have bought it at the same place. I wonder whose she would have put more thought into".

This is simply my experience where I was at your stage. That "What Ifs" and "Whys" dominated my life. It was the fucking lowest I've ever been. I have used the analogy here before, but the only stupid way that I can use to describe it is that I felt like I had a cloud of bees swarming my head and everything added bees to the cloud, and moving my head would always result in getting stung. It fucking sucked.

I began to resent her. The fact that I still loved her made it all the worse. I wished with all of my soul that I could hate her, but I couldn't.

We had a mini 2nd d-day that I still don't know if it was, but it was my final trigger. I said fuck it, I don't even care. Didn't care about the house, didn't care if she got every cent that I owned. I left. I drank a ton. I poured myself into work (literally). We separated and I slept around a lot (girls in their 20s love guys in their 30s I found out). That was unfillinging and I felt dirty, I suppose there was some revenge and resentment in there, although we were apart by this point. I still clearly had some healing to do.

I swore off women altogether. At the time I said that it was for good. And it goes to show you how fucked up life is that a few days later my now-fallow match.com account got a hit, and it was from a red head with little doe eyes. They say that love doesn't exist at first site, maybe it was infatuation, but it's fucked up that the past two years kind of all of a sudden disappeared. My life stopped being "what should have I done" or "how can I deal with this shit life" to "holy shit I can't wait until she texts me again".

I don't know where this story came from. I guess I want to illustrate that my "story" doesn't have any more correct answers than anyone else's. This one guy's opinions are colored by who I am, and I can only hope that typing unfiltered to you will give you insight into how I handled things... I feel like an asshole being "you should do this!" because frankly I don't feel like an expert about anything when it comes to infidelity.

All I can do is tell you how I treaded water, how I handled the waves and why I never want to go back into that cold shitty water again. I wouldn't wish this onto my worst enemy, and you come off as a very sympathetic figure, which is why folks here are jumping through hoops to give you everything that they have for you.

5 brownie points for the Monty Python reference!

You mentioned leaving/divorcing would be the easy way. I disagree with that, I think both staying and divorcing are hard. Just want to say that.

One day at a time. Heck, at times it's one hour or even one minute at a time. Patience. It will get better, whether you stay with her or not. For a long time I thought it would never get better, only worse. But a few years later, I'm happy again, even though I'm single.

So try to remain patient and optimistic. I know it's hard, but from your post we can see you're strong enough, and I'm glad for that both for you, your kids, in-laws,...

Best wishes

if it helps, you are in control here. I genuinely believe that if you want to R, your wife will do anything and jump at the chance. The real question is: after you have all the information and your emotions have settled, what will you want to do? Only you can decide that. That's why so many of us have said slow down, take your time, see what she does, see how you feel. You don't have to do anything right now. You don't have to decide. See what develops. Eventually you will know.

Just wondering if you asked the lawyer about post nuptial agreement for if you decide to R.

Did she write out the time line.

Also thought your post about loosing the life style was a good one.

I'm not sure how your vows went, but mine said "in good times and bad".

It doesn't get any "badder" than this.

I know your WW broke her's but you took them too.

You will get past this.

Your WW's response to her reaction had the shoe been on the other foot gives me pause. Clearly I lack the context and manner in which it was said, but I think that response deserves to be explored in more depth when you are ready. It's not just that it's hypocritical, it smells a little disrespectful, almost like she just expected you to accept her affair and move on, but like I said, I lack the context. Whatever the case, she is learning the error of her ways the hard way, because you are refusing to rugsweep.

Your head is on about as straight as it can be given the situation. Just remember not to put too much stock in her words right now. Her actions or lack thereof should be your guide. Saying the right things is easy. Crying because she was caught, or because she feels shame, or regret or fear or remorse is easy. Consistent actions over time though are hard. That is why I do not think you should be in a rush to make a decision one way or the other. Give yourself time to process, time to grieve and time to plan for both eventualities (R or D).

You are still so close to DDay. I admire the strength, clear headedness and resolve you have shown so far. Make sure all your questions are answered to your satisfaction. This will not happen in one sitting. Warn your WW of the dangers of TT if you have not already. TT kills more marriages than affairs. Now is not the time for her to try to protect you. This may seem to her like you are trying to punish her, but gently remind her that everything must be dragged out into the sunlight not only for your sake, but for hers as well. She must understand how she made the choices she made in order to not make the same choices in the future, because if she can't, then she can't be a safe partner for you if you decide to R, or for anyone else if you D.

When you confronted your WW on DDay, did you reveal your access to her emails with OM. How certain are you the NC is being observed? Are you checking or are you just accepting her word?

Stay strong brother.

W,

IMO there are a couple of hunhealty things:

1 keep stuck in limbo, not moving in any direction, not just D or R bur stuck internally.

2 rug sweap, very unhealty for yhe cobsecuences in the long run.

You are in a healty path, the thing is to keep in it. It doent mean youare not able to set back, or breal down or evwn change your mind. It mean you try to be happy agaij, not just foe yiu but dor your kids.

Dont run, dont try to fix her, dont tey to fix your M, focus on the hardest part healing you!!!

I am a math giy so my way od thinking is always palnning, IMO our paths are individuals ans uniquea but leading to the same direction, to heal. You shoukd focus on your kids becasue I bet they are being afected and are starting to wonder what is really going on. the second put yiur anger to rest in orther to find out what you really want and to ket your WW find out what she really wants. Third, demand your wife to put her self toguether for your kids and for you to movw on to R or D.

Other thing, set hours to takk to yiur wife about the A and keep cool whike doing it in orther to create an enviroment where things can improve in one way or other.

Last thing, lot of people wont like it but any way here it is. "Love me more when i deserve ir the less be cause is when I need it the most". You promissed to protect and care your wife when she is down, this time is hunfair, is all her fault but you need her to get better so help her. I am not doing to forgive her or rig sweap, I am just saying that you need to help her to help you.

Keep posting

Your WW's response to her reaction had the shoe been on the other foot gives me pause. Clearly I lack the context and manner in which it was said, but I think that response deserves to be explored in more depth when you are ready. It's not just that it's hypocritical, it smells a little disrespectful, almost like she just expected you to accept her affair and move on, but like I said, I lack the context. Whatever the case, she is learning the error of her ways the hard way, because you are refusing to rugsweep.

I agree and was thinking on a similar line.

maybe even thinking entitlement on her part.

and I do believe she is learning too.

I believe if she keeps to the NO CONTACT, which is one of the items/things she can do for Walloped that this can be something to build on.

I would be surprised if OM does not or is not trying to contact her even down the road 6 months or more.

[This message edited by convert at 11:29 AM, August 18th (Tuesday)]

Thank God:)

Good for you.

C

Great news!!!!

YES !!!

One less thing to worry about. :)

I think you're headed to DDAY #2 but that might just be bitter and disgruntled old me...

Great news on the test results!

What she did was be honest, about this at least. In essence, what she said boils down to; "I wouldn't have shown you mercy or compassion, and I know I don't deserve it by my own philosphy and admission, yet here I am asking for it anyway." That's a very tough position to take. And so I choose to take what she said positively.

That is a valid way to look at it. You are in the best place to interpret what she says because you have all the context.

Anyway, at this point in time, her actions are more important than her words. Monitor those to get a truer sense of where her head and heart are.

Happy for you about the test results. At least one monkey is of your back for now. Stay strong.

to avoid D-Day #2, get all the information now. Make sure she understands NC and that if he tries to contact her again, which he will, she is not to respond but instead show you.

there is no way this guy won't try to contact her. If he does, make her enforce the charges. I vaguely remember that you made her file a restraining order. But maybe not.

Just make sure she doesn't talk to him or communicate with him in any way.

Walloped...

I'm an old timer here and have seen a lot of nightmarish scenarios...

You're doing just fine... It may not feel like it but you are and you'll get better going forward...

WB

to avoid D-Day #2, get all the information now. Make sure she understands NC and that if he tries to contact her again, which he will, she is not to respond but instead show you.

there is no way this guy won't try to contact her. If he does, make her enforce the charges. I vaguely remember that you made her file a restraining order. But maybe not.

Just make sure she doesn't talk to him or communicate with him in any way.

I agree.

This is very least she can do at this point

she keeps asking what she can do to help you, well this should be on top of the list.

Hi W , I dont often offer my opinion these days , but having followed your posts from the start I feel I would offer them anyway .

First off I think you have coped well all things considered , but ( and dont take this the wrong way )but , you are starting to sound a little bit needy now .Needy to have this done and dusted , Needy to have everything back to how it was , Needy to forgive wife and move on asap . All totally understandable , but not in your best interest .

Its time for you to take the next step and decide what you really want to happen . Its obvious that your still very much in love with your wife , but cant decide how to move forward .

The main problem as I see it now is the fact that there hasnt been any real consequences for your wifes actions . Yes you thrown alot of F%%ks into her and other unhelpful names , which may I suggest you now finish doing as they accomplish very little for either of you from this point on , and try to step up above this and think what action you can take which will help .

I think you should seriously consider asking your wife for a divorce . I know thats probably the last thing you want to be told at this moment , but just consider this . She has offered you anything you need that might help you . You are unsure if this is just talk from her or she really means it . One of your problems is your unsure if she wants to stay out of love for you and scared to leave out off fear of the unknown for her .

If you can explain to her that you dont want her to leave you and you want to stay living together for the forseable future , but want some show of faith from her , have your lawyer draw up a divorce package that is fair but still in your favour if things dont work out . What I mean by your favour is such things as your pension plan being left untouch , personal savings and such like , mainly all the things that a man in your situation nearly always gets screwed on when in this situation .

Please consider this carefully , for as your wife as told you herself , even she doesnt know who she is at the moment and could very well change her mind about staying with you and not running off back to fantasy land . It wouldnt be the first time and it wont be the last either , so just think about protecting yourself a little at this time while she is offering to do anything .

I would also ask her if she wore her wedding ring while having sex with OM . If she admits to this, I would also ask her to remove it as you find it inappropriate that she still wears it at this time .Also ask her to legally resolt back to her maiden name until such a time that you are happy to share your name with her again( if ever ).

Basically , what im trying to tell you is its time to man up and show that their has to be some tangible consequences for your wifes actions other than name calling and shaming .

Im not saying break her will or crush her in anyway , but things have changed, not only inwardly but outwardly as well.

I wish you the very very best. Love and peace brother .