SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Walloped, your last post bought me to tears, it bought back so many painful memories of my girls faces when we told them.

Can I say I think you are doing really well, I am 12 months from 1st dday and 5 from last and the biggest. I think its a good thing your girls know, mine are the same age as yours and I really believe that its better to be truthful, I think you would of found it impossible to hide this from 2 bright and inquistitive teenagers, they would of kept looking for answers until they knew, IMO I think better they know this now and they will understand why there is an awkward atmosphere at home or understand why Mum is crying or Dad is sad.

For me, I went into shock initially when I found out and tried to carry on, I quickly decided I wanted to try to R, give yourself time, there are so many difficult decisions to make, it hit me like a brick wall at 6 weeks out, the reality of it stunned me and I struggled to function but we worked through it and things got better gradually, I started to heal and I begged WH to not let me heal if there was more I should know, he assured me time and time again, no, there was nothing else. Fast forward to 18th March this year and I made a discovery that led me to finding out everything.........I wish he had been truthful and told me it all on dday but as you will see on here, they very rarely do, I sadly didn't have the advantage of the wonderful SI members, I didn't discover SI till 6 months in. I suppose what I want to say is, slow down, look after yourself and your family now, you are all the priority, you have time to sort this whichever way you decide to go. We are doing pretty well, I have to say what others have said, this has been the hardest thing I have ever done but after all the pain, anger, sadness and stress, I am still glad that I decided to R....its not for everyone, some cannot get past and accept what happened but for me my life is richer with my WH in it, we have had a terrible trauma to of worked through but for us I think we can still make something really good, we have good foundations and a lot to both give up,

Walloped,­

I am so sorry that your kids know about ­her affair this way but IMO wasn’t the b­est way but may have been a lot worse to­ later after bashing you for days or wee­ks discovered that they were fooled by y­ou and WW making their feeling even wors­e about her.

I am sorry but there is not a nice way t­o deal with infidelity, as you are begin­ning to see and your WW is starting to r­ealize, her Affair will reach many peopl­e, places and dates and all you can do i­s try to move on. Will come Dday anniver­sary, their first kiss anniversary, the ­first sex contact anniversary, the first­ day she told him she loved him annivers­ary, the day she told him he was better ­than you anniversary, the day she denied­ sex with you to be with him anniversary­, etc… and also the past, your D weddin­g day may be tainted depending on your W­W revelations, any other special day or ­trip while in the affair, etc.

You should really ask her about other af­fairs, or at least inappropriate relatio­n between her and any other male during ­your relation, pre and post marriage. I ­know this will tear her apart but how do­ you know there have been no others? She­ is broken but for how long has she been­? You just realize she was able to cheat­ but you don’t know since when she has b­een able to do it.

Your marriage, at least while you are st­il married, will change. From now on, to make you feel save you wi­ll be playing cop, checking her phone, e­mail, where she is and with whom, etc.

The ramifications of her affair will las­t and reach more than your currently thi­nk, even if you get D.

I am not telling you this to force you t­o D, I am telling you to open your eyes,­ and hers too, to what is coming.

Anyhow, seems like your wife is putting ­is reaching a point where she, at least,­ is functional as parent and willing to ­help you realize what you want by owning­ her affair and coming clean.

She seems to be doing the right things t­o R, and seems like she want to R but th­e affair is still very fresh for her to ­knows if she really wants to.

So now is on you to decide what you want­/need to know. I suggest everything but ­try to skip the glory details (unless sh­e did thing with OM that she didn’t want­ to do with you), as once you hear somet­hing you cant unhear it. This is going t­o be very hard so be prepared.

I suggest making a plan to when, where a­nd for how long you are going to talk ab­out the affair. As you will see her ans­wers will raise other questions that may­ not come right away, so you will need t­ime to digest and prepare more talks. Sc­hedule meals and sleeping time if possib­le, mix fun activities with your brother­ and kids to easy this process. In a few­ words try to make it the less hard you ­can to be all the time under control. Re­member that you may say things you don’t­ mean and make a decision you may regret­.

Other thing, talk a lot with your kids, ­be honest they deserve it but don’t let ­them know details about the affair. Keep­ an eye on them as they will be experien­cing their own emotional roller coaster ­and digesting what happened.

Last thing; keep in mind that TT will be­ only if she lie, minimize or omit fact ­about the affair. On the weekend you wil­l discover much more than you want but I­MO this is not a second DDay because as far as you know she­ hasn’t deny­ed­ or minimize­d­ or lie­d­ about anything from DDay­ ­. Keep in mind this to recognize her eff­ort to do the right thing. Even if D at ­the end you both need all the help you c­an get from everybody including each oth­er. There is nothig fair about helping her, there is nothing fair about infidelity but it is the way it is

Keep venting and asking anything that cr­osses your mind, SI is for help and it i­ncludes anything you want to share besid­es the updates, It doesn’t need to be a ­question or even make sense. All it need­ to do is give you the chance to release­ some pain.

Good luck­,­

What they say about infidelity obliterating entire families is true huh, it really could hit your kids harder than it did you. In my opinion you need to tell your oldest ASAP. Like take work off today tell her. Your younger ones will need the support.

Her parents also need to know. The kids CANNOT feel like they are keeping a secret.

You don't need to think for the next few days. You have had it rough. The next action item is her timeline. Anything else should be her driving it at this point. She needs to take over the heavy lifting eventually, and now is the time given the stamp the issue was given last night.

The lawyer will also be very helpful. In addition to providing items which are de facto moves at this point, these 'real' things will help you move to the next emotional point in this mess. I promise you.

You may not need the divorce papers but you need to prepare them. If DDay2 hits you'll be devastated beyond words, this acts as the best deterrent but also one of the ONLY things you'll hang onto for a rock if it hits. Take her willingness to negotiate now. If she breaks NC or God forbid cheats again, do you really want to slog through a prolonged legal battle that WILL end in you getting fiscally ruined. Her choice to cheat has to have a price tag associated with it.

I know that it's easier to rug sweep the possibility of DDay2 or dismiss it happening again with a different man, but the possibility exists. That's what we are here for for you man, we're going to hold you to the hard things you must do. Again, it's being said because you need to protect yourself and your kids, I don't think it is necessarily important or critical to be dwelling on her cheating on you again at this point, outside of the above (and similar) administrative checkboxes

Dear Walloped, I checked in on this from last week, I had to take a break, TMI on here, too much to process, needed a distraction (they are good for our wounded souls to let us stop wallowing and playing the mind movies) I came back to check in and see how its progressing for you, because you inspired me with your resolve, pragmatism and devotion.

I was in Awe. First thing I am glad the tests results were positive. Thank God for small graces.

You should get a fucking award!! Most reasonable BS ever! I know not something anyone wants. I laud you for wanting R, for continuing to function (I am not functional at all)

I know that everyone in here has had their journey through hell, and it appears some stay in hell, I like you want to find the nearest exit!

I copied about 20 quotes from the posts, all of which I would have pasted and made comments on, but many have done this already.

I totally understand you desire for R, I totally understand your need to consider D, I am jealous because I wish my SWBF shared my desire for R, and loved me the way you love your WW, but it appears that R is unlikely for me and my pain is dealing with the loss of the relationship entirely without having an admission, TT or access to information to satisfy the knot in my stomach but moreso, the lack of desire on his part to do the work to R!!!

One thing that resonated with me was your willingness to continue to stand by her, as the mother of your children, to not "burn" her; to do whatever was necessary for your family and to try and see if the M could work! ((((hugs)))) All the while coping with the huge emotional swings that come along with this shit!

We are as recent members to SI tortured right now, you with the uncertainty about which path to take.

I wrote in an email to my SWBF after taking off my ring, and having a very difficult conversation which I raised the name of and the details of the SOW, telling him we were at a crossroads, and I was standing on one path holding out my hand toward him so we could travel together. I got the reply and my hope of R was dashed with a few keystrokes. If I can say anything at all, from what you have written, your WW loves you, that is apparent!

You are doing the hard work, your WW seems to be doing whatever she can, it won't be easy to heal and you will never forget if you stay together, but you can re-write your future, and not fall into the 'jaded embittered' place that some here appear to have embraced, and the "cut and run" option that many opt for.

Its sounds trite and totally cliché, but positive thinking really helps, and everything I have read that you are doing is positive, its filled with love and comes from love (a damaged soul can still be a loving one!)

You have found the "messiah's sandal" now go on the pilgrimage!! You already know the worst thing that can happen is D. I think 27 years and 5 kids are worth the work, and you don't appear to be the type to shy away from a challenge or hard work. Yes it will be hard and the road to recovery will be filled with potholes and cow pies, and if all else fails, then you always have the D option available. You don't strike me as taking the easy way out of hell, even though we all want a roadmap and an early exit!

I wish you all the strength, fortitude and empathy you will need, persevere in what you are doing, and you will know in time, when the sunlight actually warms your soul, instead of burning your skin!

Get your bottle of sunscreen and go forth!

All the best to you

(((((hugs)))))

Want this to Stop.

I just want to say that in all the years I have been on SI I believe I have never read of a WW appearing to so quickly totally own her shit. We all know how horrid her actions were, but this woman truly appears to already be at remorse. And I know that can't yet ease your pain because it is all still to new and fresh for you. But I think what is happening is an excellent basis for feeling hope that you can, over time, get past this and rebuild your M if you decide that is what you want.

And note, I didn't say forget, I said get past. Forgetting is not possible.. Getting past and rebuilding is possible.

Still too early for you to worry about that decision though. Just keep up with taking care of yourself and loving your kids. And observing your W's actions to see if she remains consistent with what she has been showing you and keeps all of her promises. As others have said, one day in the future you will just know what the right answer for you.

Walloped

Glad the kids know. Your wife was right.

Kudos to her for a change.

Keep moving forward Mr Fixit. 👍

Now talk to your oldest and keep your family working together.

HM

TheDarkestTime...

Do not insult people just because you don't agree with them and furthermore, animal abuse will NOT be tolerated here.

Walloped - I know you wrote "shit shit shit!" But I think what happened is a good thing. A lot of very good signs that your WW is either remorseful or becoming one. I also agree with her. It was the right thing to do for her to own her shit, for your daughters to know the truth, from her, and for you not to be blamed.

It also appears that she is beginning to associate her fun times with POS with the destruction of you and her family. It's good that she said she felt disgusted and nauseous when she heard POS said he missed her. Of course, that's what she "said." Not necessarily doubting her, but you always wonder if it gave her a little bit of a high to be "missed" by her lover. But... I think things are going as well as they can.

One thing I wanted to warn you, I wouldn't commit to R right now. With the kids knowing about the A, you're going to feel a lot of pressure to say you forgive your wife. You're going to start thinking you're the bad guy for not just forgiving her. I mean look at her, she's crying and throwing up, etc. Poor her. blah blah. She brought this on her self. Don't do it. Don't forgive her now in the heat of the moment. You don't have all the information, and she doesn't deserve it. When you get the timeline and your answers you will hear things that will bring you to your knees. You will be so completely disgusted with her. To be honest, the only thing that will prevent you from reconciling is simply whether YOU can. You may not be able to get over this. You may never be able to look at her the same way again. Right now we don't know what she did, what she said to him, what she said about you. So... prepare yourself if you can.

Good luck friend.

Also - just wanted to let you know, in the I Can Relate Forum, there's a thread dedicated to Betrayed Husbands. Lot of good guys there. Some reconciled, some divorced, some haven't made up their minds. I think it's the best thread at this site. Men from every walk of life. Very insightful. I think you should introduce yourself there.

To make sure to love Mommy even more now cause she’s going to need it and she’ll rely on them

I think you handled everything very well. But I think the above is unfair.

Your WW betrayed your kids too. While it's good that you are encouraging them to continue having a great relationship with their mom, you also need to allow them to feel however they feel. They shouldn't be asked to hold their mom up. That's her job. They are scared,sad, wounded, betrayed. They need to be allowed to express these feelings...respectfully, of course. They should be encouraged to tell the truth about how they feel, whenever they need to talk about it.

Walloped

Brother, sorry for your pain. It is something I would never wish on anyone, not even OM3 (in my case). But let me tell you something – there is another side of this. And I encourage you STRONGLY to detach from the overwhelming emotions. They can kill you. And I am not going to try to diagnose your ills over the internet, I can sense you are an empathetic and loving person, and that can really make life hard for you, especially with a WW that is showing some remorse. If I am correct, you wanting to hate and love her at the same time is causing physiological and mental damage.

Look, I have no magic solution, but I can offer possibilities that might be helpful. In my case, separation and all-but-finalized divorce allowed me the distance to detach, evaluate, and write my own story. Before that, the story was that Dr. RSU7 was a cuckold loser, could not satisfy his wife, and was worthless. With focus and detachment, I realized, I was pretty fucking awesome. I know you don’t feel it will ever be possible for you to feel like a winner again, but brother, believe me IT IS POSSIBLE, with or without her.

Why do I bring this up now, when you have a million other concerns and emotions? Because the one thing I KNOW helps betrayed husbands is to get back your self-worth. Your life and self-worth have crashed. It is impossible to make the best decisions and take the best course for the long-term well-being of yourself and your children when your personal story is one of defeat. So if not for you, but for your kids, find that inner awesomeness.

My suggestions are limited, and are not supported by many, as they go counter to the “forgive and reconcile right away” philosophy. I absolutely believe in laying the ground work for divorce. Notice I did not say actually divorce, but taking the steps to move it along. What I did was to get to my lawyer and draft up a legal framework. If your wife is compliant, you can get better terms for your family.

This step, which is usually despised, offers two advantages. First, it does restore some of your power. The future becomes a little clearer and the potential damages from divorce might, might be slightly mitigated. That is VERY empowering. Second, it lets you see how really remorseful your wife is. It is NOT a test, but it is revealing to see how she reacts. Mine fought, spitefully, for the first four months. And just be aware, unrepentant WW’s can be as close to the embodiment of Satan during a divorce proceeding. But I also got to watch her change. As regret changed to real remorse, she took action to give me a favorable settlement. In fact, her final offer is what we basically use as our post-nup today.

The next step I recommend – serious introspection on the marriage. I bet you a month’s salary (which ever of ours is higher) that there were things that sucked about your marriage. For the first month after Dday, I idealized my wife and our marriage. I thought I had lost something amazing and special. Well, parts were very special. But parts really sucked. I guess if you look at it, her affairs took off the rose colored glasses and I was able to see the problems more clearly, not just miss the wonderful things that I thought we had. I just read your most recent post and brother, do you have it bad here. You are in the "she was amazing" stage. And yes, I bet she was amazing, but the kind of selfishness that let's people have soulless affairs isn't something that just materializes out of thin air. it is like cancer - it builds from pre-existing conditions.

Evaluating the failings was VERY important, at least to me, because before I was able to objectively (in a detached manner) evaluate that the marriage had problems (and believe me, we had a good marriage), I felt I never could have a special bond with her again. But once my story was one of fixing a broken marriage, while she fixed herself, I was able to find my inner strength and it gave me a serious reason for becoming a better man. And while that is not ideal *you should always want to improve you for the sake of you* I felt so worthless because of her affair, I needed an external reason to start healing me.

The final step – buy a heavy bag. You are going rage like you have never raged before. Darth Vader will have nothing on you. You will have thoughts of killing the scOM. You will want your wife to suffer like you are suffering. Beat the living shit out of the bag and let it flow out there. It is absolutely cathartic. And it turns out, if done properly, can be a hell of a great workout.

Strength and blessings to you. We are all pulling for your healing. Whether the marriage can be saved or not is for future efforts. Right now, focus on you and your kids and getting what you need to heal. Mine are just suggestions of what worked for me. There are many other great ideas here. I hope you find what works for you.

Thanks for the updates.

I strongly encourage you to get the girls into counselling ASAP! Their world has just exploded and they need professional help in dealing with it. Take them to see a GOOOD counsellor just as you would take them to a doctor if they were physically hurt.

I think you're doing very well, all things considered. Please, don't hold back when posting, this is your safe place so there's no need to censure yourself.

Best wishes!

Hi again Walloped,

Please do not apologize for sharing or providing TMI, your journey (and posts) have given me resolve, while my resolve waivers, as I am sure yours does, your stream of consciousness posts are not triggering me, they are part and parcel of the process to moving forward, even though right now we are stuck. I also appreciate your sense of humour and believe it or not, your posts (or at least some of what is in them) have also made me smile and laugh!

So thank you for being so honest about your situation, and keep going with your stream of consciousness posts, they are helping me (and others)process as much as they are helping you. I think that's what SI is all about.

I am going to try and be functional today...so thank you for that too! All we can do is take it one day at a time.

I am sorry about your beautiful DD's having to learn the horrific truth! And thank God for family and friends to support each other. If I didn't have 2 beautiful kids, I am sure the despair would be insurmountable, but they give me the will to carry on through the twisted maze of emotional turmoil and are a great source of support, empathy and inspiration! As I am sure yours are to you! I will say it you are an EXCEPTIONAL man!

I resolve to get through this, just like you. Whatever it takes and however the road winds, one foot in front of the other.

I wish you a better today!

((((hugs))))

Want this to Stop.

Walloped,

Your last post of last night addressed the point of "girlfriends" in these organizations. And here is what you DID find out.

(1)Despite the fact that you I believe changed her phone number, she has been in contact with these women. Now how did that happen???

THE ANSWER IS YOUR WIFE MUST HAVE CONTACT THEM OR HOW DID THEY REACH HER??????

. Now her contacting these friends and giving them the lame excuse she did is not such a bad thing in itself except for one thing and that is

THERE ARE NOW MULTIPLE PERSONS IN THESE GROUPS WHO KNOW HOW TO CONTACT HER.

(2) Your wife stated that her and POS were pretty oblivious to their surroundings because they were so caught up in their little fun and that others may have noticed. But most probably have no clue. WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT THEY NOW HAVE A BULL SHIT STORY AS TO WHY SHE HAS DROPPED OUT AND WOULD HAVE NO REASON TO INNOCENTLY PROVIDE POS WITH HER NEW PHONE NUMBER.. You also do not know if any of these friends were in on it and encouraging her. You have now told your wife they are off limits but they all have the number.

(3) and then there is OM. Since most of the group probably regards him as charming and dedicated to the cause they are going to not be aware of his intentions. He already told them he misses your wife.. THAT SHOULD BE A BIG RED FLAG THAT HE IS GOING TO MAKE ANOTHER RUN AT HER AND SOMEONE IS GOING TO GIVE HIM HER CONTACT INFORMATION WHEN HE CHARMS THEM AND TELLS THEM HE JUST WANTS TO SAY HELLO.

So now that you have told your wife that NC includes these people and that it was unacceptable for her to let them know how to reach her, I suggest you actually HELP your wife by again changing her contact information.

IF YOU DO THAT THERE CAN BE NO EXCUSE FOR ANY FURTHER CONTACT. RIGHT NOW, IF HE CALLS HER SHE IS GOING TO TAKE THE CALL IF ONLY TO YELL AT HIM. he called her 14 times and this guy is not going to let go until he exhausts all possibilities.

Right now all this D or R speculation and regret or remorse opinions are not something that are going to be decided anytime soon, but breaking NC caused by something preventable is going to surely have a negative effect.

YOUR WIFE NEEDS TO DISAPPEAR FROM THEIR RADAR AND NOT BE EASILY ACCESSIBLE TO ANY OF THEM.

As bad as it seems, it probably was a positive thing that she refused to let you take the hit and confessed to your daughters. The fact that she threw up is meaningless. What is important is that she tried to protect you.

Your wife I am guessing knows that this timeline is going to be a tough discussion, so you must be prepared for her trying some more to protect you ( and herself) by minimizing.

You got good advice to keep your kids out of it as far as any decisions have to be between you and wife.

GET SOME SLEEP. YOU NEED IT TO BE ABLE TO EFFECTIVELY GET THROUGH THIS SHIT.

Walloped - I know you wrote "shit shit shit!" But I think what happened is a good thing. A lot of very good signs that your WW is either remorseful or becoming one. I also agree with her. It was the right thing to do for her to own her shit, for your daughters to know the truth, from her, and for you not to be blamed.

Mike7

I agree. I think it couldn’t have gone any better. Your daughters needed to know and both you and your wife were extremely classy.

It also appears that she is beginning to associate her fun times with POS with the destruction of you and her family.

Mike7

I know you had to clean it up but the vomiting was great. This is what I’ve been harping about in all my posts. You want her to have a negative visceral response when she thinks about the POS/OM and the fallout of the affair.

The first thing I do when confronted with a problem is set the record straight. You have to understand your cards before you play them. I’m amazed when I read the conversations between you and your wife. No one is better than you with the facts and setting the record straight. She can’t get away with spinning anything. R or D I think you have established a good foundation to work upon.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 10:00 AM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

[

[This message edited by Graywolf at 10:01 AM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

Double post. Sorry

[This message edited by Graywolf at 9:59 AM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by Graywolf at 10:01 AM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

You are in a very good place. Do you know how many WW don't tell their kids, or worse, let the kids think that all the marital problems are because of dad? Trust me, that's a whole other level of infidelity hell you don't want to visit.

And all the other things you wrote? Many a BH/BW would kill to have their WS doing what your WW is doing.

As I said earlier, your WW is doing all the right things at this point (what? 2 weeks out?). The question is will this sustain over time - will she work on understanding why she did this and work to not allow herself to do it again? Time will tell.