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Hi W , just so I understand correctly . You changed your wifes phone number on the saturday or sunday , she makes the terrible call to Miss Lardy dar and tells her about her A with POS and why shes quiting on monday , but then gives Lardy dar her new changed number ,even thou she knows she cant have any contact with any of her old colleagues again ?.

Is she actually saying she forgot she had a new number ?, even thou she would have read it out to Lardy dar ?

Does she have a burner phone? I'm not buying her story at all either.

I called the organization and spoke to the Director. I introduced myself to Mrs. La-di-dah as Mrs. W's husband and got all of the pleasantries and how very much they miss her and blah blah blah. I asked if she knew why my wife stopped volunteering. I got a "Yes" and then a very sanitized version of an affair - she said that my wife said she developed somewhat of an inappropriate relationship with POS and that she wanted to dedicate herself to her marriage and how admirable that is. So I put a stop to the bullshit and told her that while POS was still married and ostensibly working through marriage counseling with his wife, he targeted my wife and the two had a PA for 3 months, which as she could imagine has utterly devastated our family. I got silence. I then took a leap and said that I was shocked to find out that despite this, POS was still volunteering at her organization. I then got a whole bunch of, “I don’t understand,” “He’s a very valued member,” “donates time and money,” and so on.

Walloped, this director knew exactly what was going on with your wife. That is why you got the silence.

There is more going on here. As someone else said, my BS meter is up also.

And if this guy is a big donor, they are not going to dump him. He is probably very very popular so I'd be prepared to do what you said.

And beware, if they do say anything to him, he is going to be more determined to come after your wife again. You will not be high of his favorite people list.

Walloped, I think my wife's affair was similar to your wife's in many respects. From what I can see, both were very emotionally intense. Both of our wives have claimed not to make any contact after d-day. I don't believe my wife. I have no evidence. I did not intend to polygraph. But knowing how deeply my wife was involved, and having seen so many similar posts, I cannot believe my wife never contacted the guy. I don't believe your wife didn't contact him, either. I think they said their goodbyes. I think they have no intention to ever contact them again. I can live with that.

I did not ask for a timeline because I had seen all messages. My wife tried to delete, but she screwed it up, so when I found out, they were all still there. This was a good thing, because I could see the entire breadth of what was going on in there relationship. My wife did not say anything bad to me in any of the messages. Pretty much, it was like I was invisible. Other man either did not mention me, or her wife. The only references to me or his wife were things messaged like "my husband is going with the boys to play ball, we can talk at 7 pm" or "I had to hang up because I lost my privacy." I know my wife well enough, so I could tell from the messages that she was really in deep. From your posts, I can see that your wife was really in deep.

If your wife was going to contact other guy, that would have happened in the first couple of days. I assume she could have done it at SIL's computer or phone and she did. I don't think she has any intention to ever want to deal with the guy again. Just based on my wife seeming similar to yours and what you've posted.

Did she love him? I believe absolutely, she thought so. Now she probably realizes it was infatuation. The messages between my wife and other guy was very superficial, not sharing deep secrets between each other, yet I could see my wife was so wrapped up with this other guy. Complimenting each other about a third of the time, believe it or not actually fishing for compliments for themselves if they went too long a period without receiving one - so yes, I do believe the ego kibbles has a big part of it.

About three quarters of my wife's compliments were about how virtuous the other man was. "Oh, OM Name, you are so honorable, I trust you so much in what you say." Cheating on his wife, but she thinks he was "honorable." So I don't know about your wife, but mine was not thinking AT ALL analytically or logically, she was just going with the flow and the flow was just compliments, how much they love each other, and sex talk. Besides the compliments, the other main subjects were how much they loved each other, and sex. My wife did initiate probably about a third of the time re: the sex talk, probably two thirds of the time re: the "in love" stuff. The other guy gave the "in love" talk only when he wanted sex talk, my wife initiated the sex talk just because she knew he liked it, not that she didn't enjoy it, too.

Overall, it was all just a house of cards, all of this intensity talk back and forth was just superficial stuff to anyone who would read this objectively. It was high school crush stuff, not even, except for the sex stuff, I might be thinking it was like what you might think between two 7th graders. I did not search out for a forum for a while, so I didn't know, but this is just the large amount of messages between cheaters, just very childish and juvenile. Maybe about a month in, I was reading and re-reading it some of the stuff, and not comprehending how someone in their 40s who I know is a mature adult, be so juvenile. My wife didn't remember it that way. So I showed her one and told her to read it out loud to me. Then another, and another, and another. I think that helped her, to see how ridiculous she sounded.

Have you been able to read much of their communications? If not, can you get some of those messages? It might help you a little.

I think your wife is doing OK, but she's not there yet, already. I think she still has some lies she hasn't told you yet. When you ask her about the stuff like how did they get her new phone number, I felt like she was running around in her head trying to figure out what part of the lie have you just found out. Like I said, I do think she contacted other man or vice versa. You may never know, but I know my wife, and she has a pretty good memory, she would know who she gave the phone numbers and who didn't.

In aftermath of d-day, my wife did not talk to other people, I think she was afraid I would suspect, even if I was wrong. I was at a hair-trigger to divorce and I had told my wife if I even suspected the first time she would find out about it is when she got filed for the divorce. Which is probably the wrong way for me to go about it, but that's what I did. My wife asked me at the time, "so if I do nothing wrong but you incorrectly assume the worst, then will you divorce me? That doesn't seem fair, it's really beyond my control how you act," and I said, "yes, I will divorce you if I even suspect, so you better not make me suspicious, and yes, it's not fair, but I don't think the cheating was fair, either, and your cheating was completely beyond my control, and at least I'm warning you, which you never gave me a warning before you cheated."

My point is, I guess, is not to worry too much to be "fair" to your wife as far as her behavior. If she is doing anything to make you feel anxious, let her know and expect her to do what she can to alleviate it.

First, I called my wife and said that something she told me last night was bothering me. I asked her if she remembers when we changed her phone number? She said last weekend. And when did you call XYZ to quit volunteering? She said she didn't remember but some time last week. I said it was last Monday. I know because I worked from home that day and was in the house when you did it. So how did your co-volunteers get your new number? Silence. Then she panicked and said no - she didn't call them. She didn't. And she doesn't know how but they called her.

This should be easy enough to verify by checking the incoming calls on her new number. If they are not there, then the only other reasonable conclusion is she either has a burner or has some other way to contact her former friends.

i agree, the new phone number is a little suspicious. But Walloped can talk to her about it. I think he knows her well enough to see what's going on. Given her recent decision to spontaneously take responsibility in front of her daughters, I would be surprised if she lied to Walloped about this. But, who knows. I certainly think she's acting way better than most Waywards at this stage of the game. I think that needs to be taken into consideration. I mean what, the d-day was like 12 days ago?

I agree her actions have been positive this far.

You know we've seen it all here, and W's brain right now is going on overdrive piecing together all of this in much the same fashion. In effect, he's outsourcing some of the 'let me look at it from this angle' perspective to us.

He can (and should) read with a filter. It very much can appear that there is a witch hunt mentality when in reality it's everyone trying to help him look at every angle so that he can get his feet into solid mental ground.

So much has changed in 24 hours.

Up until yesterday, your wife had regret. Regret is how it impacted her. It is a selfish emotion. The same type of emotion that enabled the A and allowed it to continue. These emotions lead to the OM and the A.

By telling the family, your WW showed true remorse. Remorse is how her actions impacted someone else, you (and family).

This makes R possible if you want.

Kudos for taking action. You may want to talk to a lawyer to get a cease and desist against OM. Do this before he tries to do it to you.

You also need to document against where she was as well in case they try to hush you.

Walloped

Keep moving forward.

Take no prisoners. If you need me to leave a pile of sh!t in front of he OM's apartment I'll do it for you.... Just send me an address and apartment number.

You are handling everything right. Even the High Society b!tch that knew exactly what was going on with your wifes affair.

Break up that girl group if you feel it is necessary.

Now get some sleep.

HM

Walloped, my fiancée cheated on me in 1990. I personally caught her, she eloped to Kentucky with the prick so I didn't have the opportunity to ask questions or try to reconcile like you. True, we were not married, I had no kids with her. That is why I have said I am in no position to offer advice. But it turned me into the biggest prick in the world. For years I considered women the enemy. In 2009 due to sickness , life experiences, and a major injury, I was entered into therapy. I wish I had done it in 1990. It changed my life and my outlook on everything. Like it has been stated many times before. we all look at things from our own personal slant. from life experience. Earlier this evening when I was reading the post about how the volunteer friends had your wife's number, my heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my chest. I actually found myself pleading for there to be a rational answer. Me, who doesn't trust a woman as far as I can throw one, was so pleased with her answer. I read the post 3 times and I actually believe her. And like everyone else here I was thoroughly impressed with the way you handled Mrs. La-di-dah. In my opinion you are a outstanding individual. I don't know how things are going to end in all this, but I wish you and your family the best possible outcome.

W- I'm catching up....

First, I know your kids finding out isn't what you wanted, but do you really realize how much energy it takes to keep a secret of this magnitude? It's honestly better this way. You may not realize that until later.

So I said in an extremely calm voice, that I wonder how her volunteering and donations will fare when I call every single one of my wife’s co-volunteer’s husbands, as well as the Board members, and the Dinner Chairs, and the journal editors, etc and let them know about POS and that scum like him will likely target their wives next, and moreover that you are perfectly fine with someone like that representing your organization despite the destruction to families, as long as you get a nice check out of it? How much longer do you think you’ll still have your job? She said “You wouldn’t.” Oh – I absolutely would. I don’t care how embarrassing it is for me, I wouldn’t hesitate one iota. “But the kids…” So I said I don’t give a flying fuck about the kids. I care about my family. She then went with “There’s no need…” and I cut her off and I said there’s every need in the world and that I expect her to handle this quickly and appropriately. She finally said I made my point and that she’ll take care of it. I said that she should make sure she does so before the end of the week. Otherwise I start making phone calls. Wished her a good day and hung up.

Oh SNAP, Dude! Fucking awesome.

Ok - overall I agree things are going well. One teensy seems y thing that had my attention was your wife's assertion that answers to your questions about the timeline might cause you more pain so she's hesitant. I call total bullshit on that. It's most likely going to cause her more humiliation and self loathing. If she's truly working on becoming self aware that kind of shit needs to be called out and redirected.

Hang in there.

From experience, definitely remember to wear pants. Showing up for work without them is the kind of thing people tend to notice!

W,­

As I posted before, your WW is a proven ­liar, it means that the phone number thi­ng may be as she says or not. Any how yo­u will get the truth by the poly test me­nace.

One thing about poly test, most of the t­ime the poly test menace is not enough, ­most of WS confess at the parking lot th­e poly day, or after failing it. You sho­uld consider to make it real.

If I am not mistaken, by your post I bel­ieve you are an action man, so maybe, be­sides checking her phone records, you ma­y talk to her friends to find out how th­ey get the number. If she is really out ­of contact with them you will be able to­ verify it and many more things. If they­ knew about the affair, who else knew, i­f OM is really gone, etc.

You can also talk to OM to cross check y­our WW version and if NC is and was as y­our WW says. Also you will have the opp­ortunity to yell at him and call him lot­ of name; it may help your anger.

If you talk to them be careful to not l­et your wife know you are going to, you ­don’t need her to warn any of them. Also­ you can ask tramp questions, like:

“I found the other phone and will send i­t to your wife “, talking to OM about a ­burning phone where they communicated.

“When did (WW name) gave you’re her new ­phone number?” talking to her friends im­plying that WW gave her new number to th­em.

Well, you get the whole idea.­

The hard thing is to get them to talk to­ you, for your wife friends you can expl­ain that you are calling to apology abou­t your WW leaving the volunteering thing­.

OM, you can treat him to reveal much mor­e thing to his wife if not tell you ever­ything. Of course you should send any pe­ace of evidence of the affair to OBS you­ have.

One thing that makes me wonder is, if OM­ was trying to save his marriage, her cu­rrent wife knows what is going on and ho­w/where he cheated with your WW. How is ­possible that him is still volunteering?

I hope your WW IC went well.­

Good luck­

Walloped,

Can't sleep, wanted to check in and see if there were any developments in the thread...WOW.

The bit with the Charity and Mrs. La Di Da.....Well played sir!!!! Truly inspiring and impressive. I was cheering reading that!! Mrs. La di da and POS, can take their false self-righteous misguided, guilt-ridden charity and stuff it up their arseholes! Rant over!

How can a charity that is supposed to be giving a benefit to children be used as a hunting ground for POS just b/c he donates time and the almighty dollar!! If She or mgmt.knowingly participate in that type of recruitment for a children's charity, then Mrs. La di da and POS should have to suffer the consequences. If there is anything I can do to help give teeth to your shame plan, phone calls, email, a facebook post, whatever you name it, I'm in!

Re: new cell phone number and former volunteer friends. Look, clearly you can't give her the BOTD, because all you have is doubt, so your plan to "verify" is sound and reasonable! She is trying to do whatever you request, to help you! Healthy skepticism would be a good balance, she knows you can verify, lying is only going to make it worse, and that isn't helping anyone including herself!

I have a meeting with FSWBF Friday. I am very anxious. I compiled a chronology because the events, answers to questions, behaviour and timeline don't fit. I wish you luck with your truth seeking session.

If she's honest the explanations on the chronology will fit, it will be brutal whatever amount of truth you wish to know, but you will know if you have it! You will be able to see inconsistencies. You've handled all of this as deftly as possible, and you are on a roll, so keep the momentum!

That's it for me, need to get up early and work, so I have to get a few winks in....(((())))

Take care,

Want this to stop!

I agree with Rambler and Mike. Her telling the kids showed a degree of remorse and while it may make the kids shell shocked for now, the truth is always the best thing to come out. So I disagree with Whalloped in trying to hide it from the kids though I understand it. He's already endured an affair, now he was going to be the bad guy to his daughters by hiding the facts.

It reminded me of DoneGone's thread where the daughters were kept in the dark and were easily manipulated by the wayward wife but changed their tune completely when they found out the truth.

Her telling the kids headed off current resentment towards Whalloped and future resentment towards Whalloped's wife and the marriage as a whole.

So kudos to her for being honest with the kids.

That's just my opinion

Thanks for the update. I think you've been handling this really well. I also think your wife is doing relatively well, considering the circumstances, and I've seen quite a few encouraging signs from her in your latest posts. I hope it continues to go well and further improve, regardless of what will happen between you two. A healthy, emotionally stable her is great news for you, the kids, co-parenting,..., regardless if you stay with her or not.

As always, we're here for you! We also appreciate your feedback on how you wish us to help you. Best wishes

I am thinking of you, Walloped. I do think in my limited knowledge on this new subject for me (I am only a couple weeks ahead of you in this nightmare) that your wife is showing remorse. Yes you will learn new info, and with it more ways for your mind to torture you. Your approach seems to have the right balance of hope but checking.

Hang in there dude. We're rooting for you.

I've had so much guidance and advice and support from you all. Besides the support and advice about how to act/react, much of that has been procedural as eric1 pointed out, which was great cause it fit right within my wheelhouse and allowed me to take action and gain some semblance of control when my life seemed to be spiralling out control. She hasn't had that benefit.

She can google how to survive infidelity, and find the same resources you did.

I don't think I have ever recommended, a new BS to invite their WS here so soon, after dday. But I think you should tell her about SI. I think she sounds remorseful..and honest...and I think she would benefit from posting on the wayward forum.

That being said...don't feel bad for looking at her phone. Transparency is necessary. You said you checked email and texts. I think you should also look for any messaging apps..and at her Facebook messages.

You don't have to look at it as you snooping, trying to find out what she's lying about. Change your perspective...you're looking to reassure yourself that she is being honest. There's a huge difference.

But really...I think you have a rare unicorn. A remorseful and honest WW this soon after dday.

But you should still continue to verify.