SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

W.

You are normal with normal thoughts given your situation. You are living a normal life with a wife of many years that has cheated on you. Same as me.

It happens I guess. Not very fun. It is a challenge that you will have to process.

One thing that you dont need to bother with are the posters on this site giving you advice about how to burn your wife at the stake. Or that the person you knew is "gone".

Your wife may have drifted, she may have been apart from you. But IMO, she needs your strong love. Never stand by her actions (they were cruel), but stand by the woman you have loved for so many years that ALSO has stood by you for SO MANY YEARS. Yes, thats a fact. She stood by you for years.

If she is your friend, the mother of your children, maybe she gets a second chance?

Your wife sounds very much like she wants a chance.

Walloped, your posts have been so therapeutic.Empathy is such a powerful emotion. How would you feel if I had been you?? These are things she will explore in IC & so will you. The therapy is only a tool. Actions speak volumes. My heart felt prayers are with your family.

Walloped

Once again you have been spot on in analyzing her actions . First of all, most WW who do not leave for OM ( and she might have if not caught ) , want to know what she can do . This is less than a week after going to her sisters where she had every intention of breaking NC .

Unfortunately , there are two things you will never know

(1) how long it would have gone on before it ended if she was not caught . Some literature says if your wife is having an affair do not interfere , woo her back , and be as nice as possible to her as she leaves to go get laid . The idiot that authored this claims most affairs like hers will end on their own so just be patient and loving . I don't think you would be buying into that one

(2) you will never know what would have happened if he was truly available and not a true POS as you put it .She can tell you she would have never left you but if this had gone on for a year or years, and it could have, who knows

Your assessment that she is at this point scared of losing her lifestyle and the ridicule is in my opinion more correct that the idea she is totally transformed and just dripping with remorse . When she says she will do anything and she loves you and all she wants to do is help you,those same words can probably found on this forum a hundred times by WW just caught and with a husband as insightful and smart as you . Your statement that she iust wants to put this behind her is spot on and that does not mean she has no sorrow for your pain but fear is what has her going cuckoo right now .

I know you have a high paced job but you might think about taking a little time off if possible . And everyone has a boss and if your relationship is good with your boss you might let him or her know what you are dealing with . Maybe not an option but some have done that .

Just like you have to take time to decide what you want her words have to prove trustworthy over time , not just being accepted after some tears and one week . Of course she knows what would happen rather quickly if she did not say what she is saying but I am not sure if she realizes how little credibility anything she says has .

I would also still ask her if SHE has contacted any of her women friends from these volunteer groups. If she has, then someone OM has access to knows her new contact information, and I still do not recall you writing anything about asking her who knew in her group and was she getting encouragement from anyone. They were obviously flirting a lot and together in front of people and I do not think you want her talking to anyone assiciated with those groups.

Try to sleep and take care of yourself .'you are hearing that a lot but it is necessary . You do not owe your wife any quick answers

BH - 50 (me)

WW- 48 (her)

M- 27 years

3 daughters- 26, 24, 21

DDay1 7/5/2014 (PA- 2 different OM)

DDay2 11/28/2014- setting up another meeting new OM

5/1/2015- Looks like we are making it.

8/3/2015- Reconciled but watchful

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Nov 2014 | From: USA

[This message edited by nononsense at 5:11 AM, August 18th (Tuesday)]

((((Walloped)))

This just sucks so very badly. And, as they say, the only way out is through. At almost three years out I can tell you that it WILL get better, you will make it, but, sadly, there is a lot of shit to wade through first. And there is no fast track. I used to ask my IC how to stop the thoughts and feelings and she would tell me I needed to "process" the trauma, and it takes as long as it takes, Years. She gave me tips on how to give my mind a break and enjoy nature during a hike, for example, but not to try to speed the process.

I also wanted to add that ultimately, for me, I would rather be the BS than the WS. I had (and have) a shit ton of pain to deal with, but I don't have to live with the shame and guilt of having DONE that to the one I loved, having completely lost my integrity. My H has transformed himself yet still lives with that shame every day. I still have myself.

And also, it was interesting to me how this pain is felt physically. How it feels like you have literally been beaten up. What's with that? I, too, found that running, really hard, helped with that (until I gave myself a stress fracture). So try to keep that up, especially with your brother. You are blessed to have such good people around you IRL.

I don't care if someone handed her a script. "10 Things to Say to a Betrayed Spouse." But if she actually follows through and exhibits sincerity, and lives it? I'm okay with that. Just my thoughts on this cause it's been going through my mind before you posted your comment

if you only take one piece of my advice, Walloped (and I've been here from the get-go for you...) PLEASE download "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" and put it in her hands (or on her tablet..). .......http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/Mini-Books.html.....it is only 100 pages or so. Dynamite comes in small packages.

Your conversation reads exactly like ours, 7 months ago.

Re-read your own short last post. I think what you said is exactly correct. Exactly!

Canoe advised downloading a particular piece of rading material. I highly recommend printing for both you and your W a lengthy posting on the Wayward Forum called " What. every WS Needs to Know". It is excellent for you to read to validate your emotions and for her to read to better understand all of the ramifications of what she has done. I will try to find it and bump it to the top of that forum but I am not very technically skilled at finding older posts so hopefully someone else will do it too.

I just bumped Hufi-Pufi's posting to the top of Wayward Forum. I really recommend it for both of you

I agree with you Walloped. If she's reading this site or another to give her ideas on how to deal with this, that's actually a good thing. It means she's being proactive.

also - Since she's asking, I strongly recommend what the last two posters recommended. Have her read Hufi-Pufi's post in the Wayward forum. And buy or download a copy of "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair."

I think you're doing good. I also think she's trying. It takes a while to truly get remorse. But I think she's trying. She's certainly trying much harder than many of the other WW's I've seen.

What would she want me to do if the situation was reversed? She said she’d have killed me already. And she started crying cause she knows how hypocritical that is, but she said she couldn’t stomach it if I did that to her.

I know we all tend to be hypocrites, but I believe this is to a whole new level.

her more appropriate answer or maybe one i would prefer would have been "I don't know what I would have done if you cheated on me"

I told her she’s lying to herself and to me. Because for 5 months she not only gave up on me, but she threw me to the ground and stomped my head into pulp for whatever reason she told herself. She betrayed everything we have and either didn’t think about me or did and decided I wasn’t worth sacrificing for.

I agree she betrayed you and her children because they will probably know the truth sooner or later especially if you D.

Just a thought here:

some people divorce and then try to reconcile down the road.

I am not saying this is for you but it could be an option.

you should discuss it with your WW just to see what she would say.

[This message edited by convert at 8:11 AM, August 18th (Tuesday)]

So my wife came over to me tonight and asked me what could she do to help me?

Give her a list of chores to do around the house and town that you would like done.

Seriously. Give her concrete steps to re-integrate herself with the family, the one she pushed aside for the OM. Mow the grass, make some cobbler, pick up some paint for the garage, swing by the shop and have them look at the muffler, pick up a gift for someone prior to their birthday. Even just ask her to scratch that itchy spot right between the shoulder blades. Concrete actions.

So much of what I appreciate with my wife now, after 30 years, is in the small graces. I'll wash the pots and pans. She picks up a book she knows I'd like that is on sale. She texts me a picture of the kids playing. In the sum of all of those small acts, the big questions get answered.

Actions not words. Her words are worthless right now. It is all about the actions. Give her opportunities to confirm or deny her intent. Plus, you'll have cobbler for dessert.

As for your mental health, if you can put your full focus on one thing, everything else will drop away. The idea that we can multi-task and think about multiple things at once is false. Our awareness is like looking through a tube.

Things like rock climbing and skiing and mountain biking completely consume my attention and force me to be in the moment. When I am, there is no A, no WW, no nothing but that moment. Writing complicated compute code is similar. You are immersed and everything else fades away. Even if it is only for 30 minutes, it lets you know there is a life without this burden.

Running is the opposite for me. I run when I want to think about something. I'll think about whatever for 30 minutes, and then wonder how I got to where I am.

Something to ponder...

http://constructiveliving.org/works/fountain.html

One of the first rules of survival is accept that you are where you are. So know this. You will probably divorce. Your marriage is probably over. This, based on the statistics for long-term survival of marriage following infidelity. It's the truth of it. It doesn't mean its not worth struggling for, it's just where you are at. That knowledge can be freeing, in that you'll know if you stay married it is by choice, your choice, not because you have to.

She probably got her "closure" finished with other man by now. My wife said she never did that, but I have seen it happened on just about every other thread, so I assume it did with mine, too. I assume it happened with yours, too.

Well, that's about it. It's not going to change much from here on out. Not much more you can do. She's not going to find any insightful revelations, she's not going to find any magic reason that will make you feel any better.

Therapy won't help much, I think just a waste of time, really, in your situation. Only time will help.

How is the sexual attraction right now?

Your situation has hit me a nerve. I'm triggering like a motherfucker.

Actually, had she said that to me I would have called her a liar. I know her. We discussed infidelity (what married couple hasn't?) and our reaction to it. This is just one of the many reasons why I'm so flabbergasted by this whole thing. I do believe she had told me once that if I ever did cheat on her I shouldn't come back home if I value my balls, cause she'd cut 'em off and feed it to the neighbor's dog. And that's why I think the question hit her so hard - because she knows what her opinion on cheating was and yet here she went and did it anyway.

So do you think she will lose respect for you if you stay?

Will she see you as a weak man for staying?

I am just trying to see what her point of view is here.

That is why I suggested D then maybe R, because in essence the old marriage is dead anyway.

I am a pro R guy and I do not condone revenge affairs but if you went out and had one she would D you on the spot, right? or now maybe her view has changed?

[This message edited by convert at 8:46 AM, August 18th (Tuesday)]

Actually, had she said that to me I would have called her a liar. I know her. We discussed infidelity (what married couple hasn't?) and our reaction to it. This is just one of the many reasons why I'm so flabbergasted by this whole thing. I do believe she had told me once that if I ever did cheat on her I shouldn't come back home if I value my balls, cause she'd cut 'em off and feed it to the neighbor's dog. And that's why I think the question hit her so hard - because she knows what her opinion on cheating was and yet here she went and did it anyway.

She has a lot to explain.

IMO you should ask her to answer if she ever planed to leave you, with or wothout OM. Not answering with her current mind set but the one whike the affaor and whe she allowed it to happened.

I am so sorry but seems like she was aware of the risks and evem so she pursuit the affair.

Just to be clear, dont ket her tell you it was a mistake, a drunken kiss is a mistake, maybe a ONS is amistake, but what she has dobe knwing what she would do if were you he WS is beyond any justification. She realky need to find out why but she wont do it if not put her self back to how was she feeling previous and during the affair about you, your kida, her future, etc.

Other thing, she is telling you what she thibk she was thunking qt the time but not what she was really thibkibg and feeling. Sorry but when she sayd that was not ib love with OM is BS, she now is tryng to interpretate in a minimazing way in irther to explain to you what she did. She needs tobe honest.

Other thing, when she was the one pursuing sex encounters, it was not to boost her ego, it was because she like it alot (affairsex most of the tine is better than any other cause the rush of the new and the forbiden). As you can read here at SI, sex is the affair currency but when thr WW was after ego boost is accepting but bit pursuing sex encounters most of the time. But when the affair was much more bith AP pursuit encounters.

Any how, W you can post a question about this at Wayward part.

She really need to out her self toguether to start coming clean and stop minimizing.

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 9:09 AM, August 18th (Tuesday)]

she had told me once that if I ever did cheat on her I shouldn't come back home if I value my balls, cause she'd cut 'em off and feed it to the neighbor's dog.

I'm in the military, and let me tell you, talk is cheap. What guys say they'll do in a situation and what they do can diverge a lot. What I thought I'd do before my WW's A and what I did are two different things. Ignore her past words.

Here's a core question. Can you forgive your wife from a position of strength?

Another thing to ponder while you are pondering. In your relationship with your wife, you can kind of broadly break down your interactions into 4 groups:

1. Crap you lay on your wife

2. Things you do for your wife

3. Things your wife does for you

I didn't list the 4th, because you know what it is, and it is where ALL of your attention is right now. But full truth in examining your relationship requires considering the other three. So don't forget them. It makes what is a currently a black & white issue a shade of grey, and so there's real temptation to ignore them. But honesty demands they get considered.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 9:08 AM, August 18th (Tuesday)]

Look she doesn't have her head on straight enough to be engaging in meaningful conversations right now. The fact that she said she would kill you proves this. Come on. She's financially dependent on you. The truth is that she'd tolerate even more disrespect before calling it quits because she cannot support herself. Ask me how I know this.

I think asking for facts and details is fine (if you really want to know but remember, once you hear a gory detail you will never unhear it or forget it - tread carefully). But I'm not sure she's going to make much traction until she starts solid IC.

The negative trend of the more recent posts make me sad. All is not lost. But I do think men react to this differently than women. Is that because we, as a society, almost expect men to conquer more sexual partners but women are seen more as a man's territory? Just pondering. I know for 100% fact, my ass would have been on the street 10 minutes after DDay had I cheated.

So, would staying make her perceive me as weak? I don't believe so.

It depends. It is a matter of control. If you are the adult in the room that lays out the path, demands full accountability, and gives her the opportunity to do all of the right things and earn her way back in, then yes. Your actions are from a position of strength, and she'll know it.

W,

As you are reading at SI why dont yiu take a look at the reconsiliation area, at the sucessful R stories.

As was posted, here are alot of us that talk from the pain, yiu may need some worda from the forgiving side.

This is not to turn you into R but to let you weigh your options. I know is too early to decide, and you dont have all the info you need as she hasnt came clean yet, IMO, and yiu haven digest what happened properly, but this may help you to gwt a bigger pic and to lessen you anger.