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My mom was and is my rock. I confessed to her 30 mins after confessing to xSO. She knocked sense into me, held me when I cried and loved me when I thought everyone would hate me.

My mom and my dad both know. I don't have a good relationship with my mom. I've never really been able to confide in her and I definitely don't consider her my rock. She was there for me when I was in the pyschward after my suicide attempt. She did say that she would love me no matter what. I don't talk to her that often (this is because of his uncomfortable I feel around her and how much shame/anger I have about her hoarding) but when I do, she never asks how things are between BH and I. Shortly after D-day, she made a comment like "don't waste your money on therapy, he's not going to stay with you." That really pissed me off - I'm sure it was a way of trying to protect me, but it didn't make me feel very good. I definitely feel more comfortable talking to my dad about how BH and I are doing. I wish I had a close relationship with my mom. I wish she asked me more how things are going with BH and I.

Just wondering of any of you told or confided in your mom.. If so how did it go and do you have any regrets?

I told Mother. She said she understood because she knows that QS is hard to live with at times.

I ripped her a new one. She retracted very quickly.

If I had it to do over again, I never would have told her. (Hindsight is 20/20.) I didn't realize till way too late, that I was enmeshed with my family. I hate that she knows one of the biggest, deepest hurts QS and I have been thru. She doesn't deserve a view into my life or marriage. She abused the priviledge of being a parent. We don't have a relationship anymore.

Just remember, once it's out there, you are never able to take it back.

I wasn't able to tell my mother. Unfortunately she passed away about a week before DDay. Before that her condition was such that I couldn't nor, would I have wanted to tell her something that stressful. Growing up she was always my moral compass and soundboard. We were very close. Sometimes I wonder what that conversation would have been like, if I had I told her. I'm sure she would have slapped some sense into me. Sometimes I am grateful she does not know what I have done. She was always so proud of me :(

H told me I needed to tell my parents immediately, because they needed to know why I wasn't keeping the baby (obviously things changed...). My mom and I didn't talk for four months. She told H she couldn't even stand to look at me (I saw a lot of other things she said about me through snooping on H's phone). I cried. She wanted an explanation...I told her I didn't owe her anything. Things are better now, but she makes jabs every now and then like, "I hope the sex was good." or "He probably made you do things he would never think of asking his wife to do."

My dad on the other hand, has picked me up and taken me for drives when I needed to talk. He told me he would love the baby regardless, because he loved me. Every night at 10 pm he'd text, "I love you."

Mom is NPD. I told her, she justified my behavior. She hates XBH because "he stole" me from her.

I told his parents, they are incredibly supportive of us both. His Dad passed two weeks ago Sunday... I feel that loss so much now.

My dad knows, but thT relationship is weird, and difficult.

Do I regret telling the parents? No. Do I wish they were different? Absolutely.

one shouldn't have to explain why cheating is bad, and never excusable.

Thanks ladies.. This HUGE life altering betrayal is going stay between my BH and myself..

My mom and I had a falling out in Dec and the relationship has not been the same ever since.. I have always had a close yet complicated relationship with my mom. In Jan she confided in me that her relationship with my step dad is off yet she is doing nothing to fix it. This topic hits too close to home for me to help her without revealing what is going on between my BH and myself.. Uggg what I would like to tell her...

One thing I have learned from reading Louise Hay's book you can heal yourself is that my childhood FOO's are not the fault of my mom and dad..

We are all victims of victims, my mom does not know how to love herself so how could I expect her to teach me how to love myself.. The same goes for my dad.. They did the best they could..

Thanks for the help ladies..

I told my mom. She was my rock during the aftermath of the divorce.

When I told my dad, all he had to say was "don't beat yourself up, everybody does it". I then reminded him that HE never did it so that must not be true.

I didn't tell my Mum. I don't have that kind of relationship with her where I could confide in her. I think she has some kind of disorder which prevents her from empathising or having any kind of deep relationship with someone. Plus she is very tactless and I couldn't rely on her not telling other people as an interesting piece of gossip. My dad is dead but he never talked about any kind of feelings - definitely I wouldn't have told him. It's a shame, I would like to have the kind of mum I could confide in.

BH didn't tell his parents as they would have pressured him to cut me out of his life.

Darknessfalls, did you continue to talk to your husband after you divorced? Do you feel that helped to give space to both work on issues and see? I have read a few of your posts that indicate you're not sure you should have remarried. Was it old issues or new ones?

My mother died when I was young and my father killed when I was 7. I came here and lived with different families. I don't have family but do have good friends. I've shared with one a bit but she can't stand my husband so have limited communications with her.

Allinmyhead,

I talked to him very minimally after we divorced. We work at the same place so I saw him at work. I texted him when ny dad died and told him in person when I was diagnosed with MS, both of which happened a year after the D. He told me when the marital home was getting foreclosed on (I was never on the mortgage) and asked me to take the other cat. We didn't talk much. I feel the divorce definitely helped both of us, me more so than him.

The issues that caused me to question our remarrriage were a mixture: mostly old, not affair-related, and some new.

Though I did tell my Mom and we now talk regularly and productively about my marriage, I'm not sure if I would have told her had my H not been so adamant about it. I was terrified, but we flew her to our home so that I could tell her right after d-day. H thought it would be a good means for me to re-evaluate my life decisions. As for my Mom, she said they were pretty much the hardest days of her life. She felt torn between supporting me and H at the same time. She didn't know what to say. But...and this is a huge but...I don't know what I would have done without her listening and supportive words. I think it has been integral in my work towards becoming a better person. Whenever she tries to give me a free pass on something I've said or done, I make sure to tell her that I need tough Mom love, not just a friend, and that she needs to consider why my actions are so important now for BH's healing too. I probably talked to her for 5-10 hours every week during the first 6 months. Talking to her about what we were going through allowed me to see how most people who haven't been through infidelity trauma probably see it from the outside. For one thing, they don't get why there is PTSD from it, unless you really explain all the ways it is a betrayal...they just assume it is like any other sad thing that happens in life, like a grandparent dying, or a really bad argument...that over a short time the hurt will pass.

Thank you Darknessfalls, I'm so sorry about MS

That's what I think too. I believe we need that physical separation to heal. It's my house and he'd have to leave. He's refusing and asking me to give him six months to prove to me that he has changed. He has always had access to all my things but now I'm finding he is trying to twist what he finds to keep me feeling guilty. Accusing and pulling things that don't exist. I find I'm not txting, emailing friends (and I never told them personal things about us even before)anymore. I don't feel anything is mine. It's like I'm just an extension of him.

He called my boss when he found a new number and grilled him. My boss is actually concerned for my safety. He was never like this when we dated. Never. It's like he's a completely different person. He lost his job and has been on many interviews. He has turned down jobs that have meant travel as that would leave me "unattended". It's funny but I never hid anything before from him yet now I'm hiding this site. It's like Shawshank Redemption..."I had to go to prison to learn how to be a criminal"

It is a rainy shitty day and I feel alone.. Just needed to vent a bit..

History:

I confided in 2 friends about the OM. Friend #1 told me she was envious of my A??? She admitted to having many A's in her past and that she felt NO remorse for doing it. I am happy to say we have since parted ways.... much to my BH delight too. The other was our cousin (by marriage) She was very shocked and very helpful to me. She was there to listen to me and tried her best to shake some sense into me. Sadly the addiction to the cell phone and the OM was too strong.

This past weekend my BH gave our cousin a hand written letter, telling her she was wrong not to tell him what I was up to, that she was an enemy and a cancer to our marriage. Also that she could have saved him many months of pain and suffering.. And so much more...... Needless to say she called me in tears told me that she never asked for this that she was dragged into my mess and that she is not to blame for my poor choices.. She said she never wants to talk to us again... I have lost a 20 year friendship over my poor choices.. I truly feel that the anger in this letter should have been directed to me not her..

I feel so alone with my girly thoughts and feelings.. I have never been a mushy girly person but there are days when it was nice to talk to someone about the mess I am in or just girl shit. My girls would lift me up, point out the positive, and kick my ass.. And I did the same for them.. There are days I just needed someone to point out the positive because I can not see it for myself. (does this make sense?) I can not talk to my mom she can read me like a book besides, she does not know anything and I want to keep it that way.

Now I am going to scrub the house to make myself feel better..

Speaking of girlfriends. ... I'm kinda hung up on this. True, it is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all my needs. It is perfectly acceptable to have many friends. I would never now say anything to anyone that I wouldn't say to BH. However, the part where I get hung up is in sharing myself. What is okay to take to a girlfriend that is not taking something away from a SO (in my case, BH)? I have gone on a girl only thing only three times since DDay. I've had a very few private conversations with my mom, but in those instances he left the room, offering me privacy. I have one girlfriend here IRL (who's on vacation and I miss her). I have made one SI friend (we haven't yet spoken on the phone, so it's all written PMs at this point). I don't feel the need to have close girlfriends, even though I value the conversations I do have with these women. Am I missing the point?

NotASlut, I told one friend after DDAY that I'd had an affair. She smiled and said, "good for you!" She was older but in a cool, been there done that, layed back sort of way, very not judgemental. I was shocked and disappointed that she would say that. I started to keep my distance after that.

I made a mistake with one person I told. Early in the morning I received a text from AP's wife. I was frantic. I needed someone to come get my kids so that I could tell H. This friend did that, and I am so grateful for her help that day. However, she is emotionally unstable, and extremely inappropriate. She actually befriended OBS, and they would text and hang out occasionally. I didn't feel good about confiding in her anymore, so I cut her off.

She started texting me again shortly before the baby arrived (I'm pretty sure she was fishing for OBS). I told this friend she was not to post pictures of my DD on social media. She was upset about it. I have a private IG account, that she follows. I post pictures of my baby on there...one friend asked who DD looked like. I said she resembled my older DD, but really just looked like herself. This friend texted me immediately, and asked who she looked like, I told her that she looked like AP. She sent back, "That's what I thought...lol!" Excuse me if I don't see the humor in it! Ugh...

I told another friend three or four days after DDay, and she has been a huge support (and has hit me upside the head with many 2x4's). She was even in the delivery room the day I delivered DD. There was the potential for it to be such a depressing day, but the fact that she was there and excited to meet DD changed the mood from happiness to sadness. I can remember looking at DD and instantly seeing some of AP's features, I started to tear up, but I looked over at my friend, and she had the biggest smile on her face. I think it was good for H to have her there too. If it was my mom in the room...we all would have been crying!!!

I have since told another friend who has also been great, and H wants to tell our best couple friends, but I'm not quite ready for that yet.

Notaslut, I don't understand the hatred of someone that opts out of drama. No where but here have I seen that responsibility placed on another to inform. Considering how volatile this stuff can get that would be the very last thing I would do is insert myself in another's life. I don't go up to someone in McDonalds and slap the Big Mac from their hand when they weigh 500 pounds and tell them they're killing themselves. Believe it or not, some truly don't know. My job to tell them? Nope nope nope.

I have acquaintances. I don't have close friends. I don't know how. I'm a great listener but will share nothing. I keep that to myself always. I feel like if I share I lose something of myself. I also find much people complain about truly offensive. When you have no idea where your next meal is coming from or if you will have a place to sleep/safety for that night a luke warm latte is hardly earth shattering. People are so lucky and don't seem to see that or appreciate it.

Even with relationship trauma. I guarantee anyone here that dropped into the right circumstances all this would fade pretty far into the ether when dodging or running.

Pull from inside. That's where I always found my strength. It's really the only thing you can count on. It has the added advantage of silencing the judgment of others as well.

Did any of you WW or MH struggle with an eating disorder? I struggled with bulimia from 12 until I found out I was pregnant with my oldest...I didn't want her to struggle with her own body image from my example. I was even in an inpatient unit when I was sixteen.

Part of what would trigger my eating disorder were things I couldn't control. I couldn't control my parent's relationship/friendships, etc. I believe if I wasn't pregnant, when DDay occurred, I would have gotten right back into my eating disorder. I'm not one to tell others what to do, but I always want to know what the outcome of a situation is, and I've really been struggling with not knowing what 2-5 years will bring or if AP and his wife will want custody of DD (still waiting to take a paternity test).

Elphabasmom

I suffer with body image issues. I was that chubby kid with no friends back in grade and high school. Today I thinner and very athletic but if I gain a pound OMG.. DIET!!

Mr. and I D-Day is only Jan 13, 2015 and too worry about the 2-5 year thing, but I was told everyone is different and not to let that time frame worry me.. We have come so far!!!

I try to keep telling myself "one day at a time" tomorrow is not here yet..

Lets not worry about the "what if's"

Did any of you WW or MH struggle with an eating disorder?

Elphabasmom, I'm sorry you've struggled so long with this. I do not have a disorder, but I was a semi regular purger in college. I still watch my weight closely but I think my control freak ways transferred to my job.

Are you doing ok staving off the desire to purge/restrict? I can't imagine how hard it is to cope with your uncertainty. You're still in regular IC, right?