SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

can someone explain to me what a MH is. i know it stands for mad hatter, but i don't know what that means... thx

A madhatter is a spouse who has both cheated on their spouse and been cheated on by their spouse. We wear multiple hats, thus Madhatters, or MHs.

As I am one, not a fun place to be.

well i guess i COULD be that, even though i am the WW in my present relationship i have been the BGF in a past relationship..

MH refers to having been both betrayed and wayward in the same relationship, not previous ones.

I was the betrayed partner in my previous relationship too.

During the A, he said he felt our M was the best it had ever been. Ugh...that crushed me. :(

My partner would describe my year of infidelity as the best year of our relationship. I was happy, sexual, attentive. I was high on infidelity.

I honestly don't know how to come back from that. Your best year was your most deceitful year.

wshinvrdidit1986...

Madhatter s only apply in their current relationships.

Thank you

My partner would describe my year of infidelity as the best year of our relationship. I was happy, sexual, attentive. I was high on infidelity.

I honestly don't know how to come back from that. Your best year was your most deceitful year.

i can relate. we had some issues and a rocky patch before I had my A, and BH was surprised when i confessed because he felt we were doing really well compared to when we were struggling.

elphabasmom:

Did you ladies find that you were more bitchy or more passive during your affair? I became more passive. If H wanted something (like a new TV), I didn't put up a fight. I felt so guilty. During the A, he said he felt our M was the best it had ever been. Ugh...that crushed me. :(

I'd say during the A I was more accommodating and "loving", trying to be the best damn wifey I could be to compensate for the shit I was pulling behind his back.

The latter half of my A, I think I was becoming more bitchy, but not intentionally towards my BH, it just leached out from me trying to hold everything in and separate. Stuffing the soul-crushing guilt, not knowing how to end things or whether or how to tell him... being someone I didn't want to be (an adulterer and liar). Near the end it came out as me being down/depressed/bitchy because I couldn't hold it all together.

As far as mother's day, It was a lovely weekend. Spent lots of time outside in the sunshine together as a family. I just sat and absorbed as much of it as I could and really basked in appreciating the time and moments of us all together. We had lunch with BH's family and a fun park visit for our girls ahead of that. BH did apologize to me before we headed out - he totally forgot it was mothers day despite all the reminders from others' and it being on the calendar and the email about the lunch from his mom. This is all part and parcel of pre-A stuff, though. BH is forgetful about things like this, and doesn't really celebrate or pay much attention to birthdays, holidays, etc. I did get crafts my older daughter made in school, which were lovely and made my heart melt, but I was the one to get cards for my mom and my BH's mom and step-mom and get our girls to sign them. A bit disappointed but not surprised, and this year not resentful of it... feeling like I'm not in a position to feel disappointed about that and to just be grateful for all i already have.

My BS discovered my A over a year and a half ago. I was a WW. Due to his occupation we are apart 5 days out of 7. This makes healing hard to do. Does anyone else experience that you take 5 steps forward and then 7 back? My AP was a MM. We have had zero contact since DDay.

Hi, Melanie,

Has the schedule been this way since the Affair? For a time before the Affair? How far apart are you during these 5 days? What have you found that does or doesn't work?

It might sound extreme, but extreme is called for under the circumstances. Many people have quit jobs, moved, redecorated houses, or sold cars in order to help a BS heal either because the Affair happened there and so it is a trigger or because the AP lives or works there. Perhaps it's time for a change.

Until that works out, use every available means of communication to keep those lines open. Send cards and letters. Text. Email. Phone calls. Some couples use time apart to study, either independently (I study what I need, you study what you need), or concurrently (two copies of the same book).

I hope you've picked up in this one by now, but accountability is important. When you are apart, hold yourself accountable for everywhere you go, every person you interact with, everything you do.

Also, initiate. This one is huge for my husband. He needs me to initiate sex, conversations, activities, and just about everything else. This doesn't mean that he doesn't also initiate, but I was too much a follower. Leading helps him feel desired and not like he's the bearer of our entire life. I don't know the specifics of your affair, so this may not work for your situation, but... get creative with long-distance sex. Phone sex, Skype sex, 'naughty' pics, sharing erotic stories (write them if you're creative). Consider creative ways to let him know you are missing him in all the ways you can miss your husband. Plan welcome-back dates.

Good luck,

Nezzy

Neznayou

i still learning how to navigate this board so I apologize for the delayed response. There is no changing my husbands occupation. He is a truck driver so if he isn't driving he isn't earning. Which is all he has ever known so he won't be changing jobs. MY AP moved out of state. He did call my BH to tell him that he was moving to his parents house but that's all I know. Our relationship has always been with him gone the majority of the time. I am implemented most of your ideas. I do email him, and write him letters. We have a standing date night on Sunday nights. I did try to send him a "dirty" pic once but he got upset and it was a trigger. Said all he could think about was wondering if I had sent my AP a similar picture so I don't send them. We have read books together. My BH is not much of a reader so it was only one book but he did read it. Currently his way of coping is ignoring the situation but I try to just be there. From time to time he will explode and I just have to take it. He will think about it all the time but not address it. It's weird but I try to be present and let him know that I am sorry and that I love him.

Moving is not an option. We looked into but we are stuck where we are til my middle child graduates high school. Which is 4 more years. I think once we get out of the house and some change of scenery will help.

Hi. 7mths into R. TG 20 years, married 11, 4 kids. I was having 2 EA/sexually charged affairs via text messaging for 2 years. WH/BS was having a PA with a friend/business partner for 6 weeks and confessed saying he was leaving me for her. I confessed almost within a day or so and about 3 weeks later confessed that there was another guy before that one. He then downloaded some of my deleted texts. Due to my TT WH doesnt belive it wasnt physical. To point of interrogating me until I felt I was going mad. I can understand how he ended up like this but feel he still doesn't believe me. It's both frustrating and disappointing. Any thoughts?

Hello Ladies:

I have a question of how you keep it together for you BH..

Our D-day was 5 months ago and for the most part we are GREAT, we are enjoying our new normal, our sex life is out of this world, we have date nights, and are planning a wonderful future together.

I have been making sure he knows how much I want him, love him, need him, and making sure he feels loved, special, handsome, and secure.

Our 5 hour A talks have slowed to maybe once every other weeks. I use to "take it" all without losing it, but, now just the slightest mention of the A and I a mess for days. WHY

He has told me that he needs to ask me questions without me falling apart.

I have talked to my IC about this and he has told me I am emotionally exhausted with no suggestion of how to help myself.

Have you been here and if so how did you keep your emotions in check ?

Does this forum still exist Mods? Wondered where it went then found it going through old posts.

Any WWs can post here

Glad to see this post here (I'm new).

I have a question and I didn't want to make a new post...it might have been answered before, but I'd like more perspective.

I'm a WW that lost EVERYTHING due to her A. I lost my Husband (he divorced me) and my Son (he got full custody because I didn't fight him because I was still in the fog). I went from a happy home with no financial worries, a good job and a good husband to absolutely nothing. I haven't even dated in two years.

Which I know I deserve...karma and all that.

It will be two years tomorrow since my A ended (haven't heard from AP since 1/7/2014) but I still struggle with forgiving myself.

I think that part of it is because I know I don't deserve to forgive myself (thankfully EXBH has forgiven me and we are quite good friends now) and he keeps telling me that I need to, but I just don't know how. I've tried going to IC, but I don't give it my all because I've convinced myself I don't deserve it (forgiveness). Two years later I'm still having an insane amount of difficulty moving forward.

Any advice?

My IC's first goal was to get me to stop viewing myself as a bad person. It took awhile, but I have completely shed that view which I once embraced so completely. Yeah, I did some bad things, but I am neither a "good person" nor a "bad person," but a normal, fallible human being who hadn't yet learned how to properly cope with my negative feelings.

Our R is going well I think, 2.5 years in, but BH hasn't said he forgives me. I hope one day he will, and lately I've been struggling a little to accept that he may never.

I'm not sure "forgiveness" is quite what I've given myself, but I've accepted that my actions back then were congruent with my circumstances at the time.

^^ That's what helped me. If you want to get there, I highly recommend reading the awkwardly-titled, "Feel the Way You Want to Feel, No Matter What!" by Aldo Pucci.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 4:56 PM, January 6th, 2016 (Wednesday)]

Thank you, 20Wrongs.

I think that the hardest part for me is, whether he forgave me or not, my BH and I didn't reconcile...we didn't even try because I was in a fog and the AP was telling me that he and I would be together someday (he was a WH) and I was happier with him than I was with my BH.

I just can't seem to keep the "You deserve everything you now have" mentality out of my head...

Another thing that concerns me is that my Mother told me a few weeks ago that I've changed so much in two years, and she's worried. I know she's right. I'm no longer the happy and carefree woman I once was. I've become an extreme introvert (I only leave my apartment to go to work and make sure I complete all chores after work so that once I'm home I don't have to go back out again). I avoid making friends...hell, I just avoid people in general.

Coming to the acceptance that you did a bad thing...did that help in your R? Did it help in the healing process for both you and your BS? Do you feel you've changed in any negative ways?

I'll look into that book, thank you.

I'm really sorry NeverForgiveMe. There are some things that I have not forgiven myself for either. I had to just tell myself that today was a new day, and I could be better today. It helped me to reinvest in relationships with friends and family that I had neglected during my A.

Do you still have a relationship with your son? Can you ask for more time with him even if it isn't in the court order? Parenting plans and custody can be modified if both parents are reasonable and see that the child benefits from extra time with the other parent.

I know this sounds corny, but it sounds like you would benefit from some self-parenting talk. Picture what your parents would say to you, or what you would say to your son if he was in your situation. The tone is kind and encouraging. Maybe you've beat yourself up enough.

Thank you, Family.

Unfortunately my BH took my son to AZ and I live in WA so there isn't much physical contact with him, though we do talk just about every day and I get him for Christmas vacation, spring break and two months of his summer vacation.

"You've beat yourself up enough" made me cry. :)

I keep telling myself that. My family tells me that, hell even my BH tells me that.

Unfortunately I can't seem to get myself to agree to that...

Perhaps it's time for IC again...

Neverforgive,

I'm 5 years out and I have not forgiven myself... And perhaps I never will and I'm okay with that. I used to think that it was necessary to move forward but my views have changed over the years. I spent a great deal of time examining how I got to a place where I thought having an A was an option and I've worked really hard to overcome my issues/faulty thought processes. I'm learning to be kind and compassionate to the person I am now. I am learning to be happy with the person I've become... And for me that's enough.

I went through what you are describing but I realized that being entrenched in my shame was unproductive for my personal healing and my relationships. Remorse is productive and great motivator of change. Shame is self centered, self loathing and will only lead to more bad things. You don't have to forgive yourself to stop punishing yourself.

You did a terrible thing. You disrespected your husband, your marriage and yourself. There's no changing that, that ship has sailed... So what are you going to do about it now? Have you taken the time to identify your "whys" and address them? Have you worked on yourself? What positive changes have you made? Can you learn to like the person you are now? You have the opportunity to work toward being the person you want to be starting right now.