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And if you confessed, why?

Confessed. I was done being a fake. A fraud. He deserved to know what he was married to. He had the right to make informed decisions about his life.

I broke NC a month from Dday. Immediately confessed. I TT one detail a year and a half out.

After breaking NC and confessing, it pretty much snapped me into reality. This was hell and it was time to fight my way back. Now, I'm not saying all was well after a month or so. I was still a classic idiot. But I was a work in progress.

I am curious in general if most of us confessed the A or was caught i I am curious in general if most of us confessed the A or was caught in the A? Wondering how that has affected people's fog immediately after, reconciliation, etc.

my fog and withdrawal from the affair seemed pretty brief

I did not(have not) confess. My reasons are long and sorted. I probably should add it to my profile to save the time of always retyping it. Bottom line is I am interested in staying married, keeping our family unit together, and saving both myself and my H the inevitable pain. My fog probably did last longer due to lack of consequences from my H, but I still found my way to IC complete with exhaustive introspection, change and rebuilding for me. I know it may seem that I "got off easy", but going at it alone has been no picnic. I really appreciate all the support I've received on SI, even despite my non-sanctioned approach to R.

[This message edited by familyfirst at 10:05 AM, April 28th (Tuesday)]

I confessed. I did it because I couldn't see myself living with that as a secret, it didn't seem fair to my husband, I needed to face the consequences of my actions. I couldn't be an authentic person, and the kind of individual I wanted to truly be, without coming clean. I struggled with the decision, and came to SI asking whether I should and how. overwhelmingly, the response was to tell. I wanted to do things "right" after doing the wrong things selfishly for so long. I took guidance from others' experiences and what BS's on here expressed they'd have liked to have seen/heard/experienced. It didn't make things any easier on my BH. Seriously, the rug is pulled out from under you, nothing takes that pain away, but my BH did say that he's glad I told him, and that it went a long way in giving me credit for wanting to repair things. He recognizes that it was a difficult thing for me to do, and he appreciates that I was willing to do that for him.

As for the fog, early on in my A I had the opportunity to end things, but the fog was thick at that point, so I know what it's like to know you have to and should end things but that fog keeps you in. By the time I did end the A, I was still a bit foggy, but reading on here helped me reframe things correctly and get my head straight, and helped me decide to confess.

I confessed. And what I confessed was nothing short of unreal. Multiple affairs (online and IRL), sexting...all of it.

I confessed because I once was the BS. I knew her state of confusion. I lived it years ago.

I confessed because I was heading to a dark place - suicidal - and I knew I needed her help.

I confessed because I knew I would go right back to infidelity without consequences. Again, I needed her help.

I confessed because I thought I could split the pain of my infidelity. Instead, I multiplied it.

I confessed because there was a chance that she could find out another way. I had done too much. I was trying to score some honestly points. (Sorry - just being honest)

I confessed and I am not at all certain that I made the right decision. Had I been able to stop (that's the key) I think the kindest thing I could've done was say nothing. Heal through IC. Claw my way back up on my own. All I did was drag her down with me. Sorry...I don't know that I agree with confessing. With the affairs themselves ranking #1, confessing has been the 2nd most selfish thing I've ever done.

[This message edited by Regret44 at 2:09 PM, April 28th (Tuesday)]

do we confess to share the burden? One of the reasons I confessed was because I was in too deep and needed help to get out. Still selfish? or a step in the trust building direction? Or give me a hand up after I stabbed you in the back?

I often wonder...

do we confess to share the burden? One of the reasons I confessed was because I was in too deep and needed help to get out. Still selfish? or a step in the trust building direction? Or give me a hand up after I stabbed you in the back?

I wonder this too. Before i ended my A, my AP and I argued about whether confessing was the right thing to do or not. He claimed that confessing was a selfish act, and that it would be done to assuage a WS's guilt and cause nothing but unnecessary pain and heartache to the BS if the WS was never going to stray again anyway. I disagreed, and felt that keeping the secret was the selfish act in that it was keeping the full truth from the BS, and that aiming to keep the secret to avoid consequences was the truly selfish act.

I'm in the "confession is selfish" camp. The only thing I did was burden her with this secret, inflict pain and grief the likes of which I've never seen. It has been gut wrenching. Of course, I caused it...twice. Not only by being unfaithful, but also by telling her about it.

If you're caught, you're caught. You can't avoid the pain. I could have. I could have not cheated and I could have kept it to my damn self. I think I could have gotten to a place of authenticity without disclosure.

So may BS's say they'd want to know, and so many say that they'd have preferred their WS confessed. I know that doesn't matter much if your BS is the one in however many BS's that would have preferred you didn't. I had the same fear as you, Regret44, that if it ever came out it would be so much worse than if it came from me. I think it shows courage to be able to face ones consequences, though. I don't know. to me it seems more selfish to have your cake and eat it too, my BS none the wiser. WS gets off without losing anything and BS has been made a fool of without knowing it. There was an analogy that I read.. not sure if it was here or on another forum, that not telling the BS about the A is like BS eating ice cream with shit in it. They may not realize they're eating shit, they may find the whole dessert really tasty and enjoy eating their bowl of ice cream, but they're still eating shit and they don't even know it. Does the mercy of giving them the full picture outweigh the selfishness of getting it off your chest? Perhaps that's different from couple to couple.

I didn't confess, I was caught. I think I probably wouldn't have confessed even if the A had ended on its own. BH and I had a conversation about it a long time ago when he said that confessing is selfish (btw he no longer thinks that, now that we're actually in the situation.) I truly thought I could have a bit of fun on the side and then it'd be over and it'd be my secret forever. Now I can see how a secret like that would eat away at a marriage from the inside.

It took me a very long time to come out of the fog as I was deep into the A when I was caught. It was tough, like a real addiction.

I think I could have gotten to a place of authenticity without disclosure.

I just don't see how... how do you get to authenticity with a big secret from your spouse?

Just sneaking in the confession conversation.

I did not confess, my H found out all times.

I always thought that, if the situation were reversed, I would rather not know than suffer the pain of being betrayed. If my spouse was never going to cheat again, I still hold that I'd rather not know than imagine him with another woman...

But, after our recent D-Day, I asked my BH if he would have rather not found out. He said, for himself, he would ALWAYS have wanted to know. He would feel like the marriage is a lie if he never knew.

I think it's different for everyone (wanting or not wanting to know).

For me, even though I was lame and cowardly and did not confess, I needed my husband to find out how much I messed up in order to break this cycle. I needed to face real, difficult, painful consequences to know that this is something I NEVER want to do again.

Going to get my first STD test yesterday was a start. A real, humiliating consequence that I will never forget. Seeing my husband's face after finding my confession letter (which I had hid, deciding not to give to him) on D-Day is another moment that I will never forget--the PAIN in his eyes. These things, I think, will deter me from walking down that dark road ever again.

On our last D-Day, I hadn't been in communication with AP#2 (PA) for 3 months. I was done with him. But only because his wife had found out and was searching for me. But on D-Day, I had only just "ended" (would it have *really* ended?) my OEA the day before. I do think I would have continued to contact this man up until getting caught.

I needed to get caught for my own benefit, and ultimately, for the benefit of our marriage.

Just my thoughts...

[This message edited by believing4better at 4:37 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

I confessed. The reasons were many layered and my confession was not planned. I literally impulsively decided to C.

I would cringe emotionally when I would catch one of my kids in a lie and talk to them about lying being bad. I thought, I am the biggest liar I know and this is not me. The this is not me part was huge. Felt like I fractured a part of myself. Had disbelief over what I was doing despite choosing the A.

Also, was learning the A was not all it was cracked up to be. There was fog but AP lives far away so that put a damper on things which I am grateful for retrospectively.

I was feeling more connected to my husband before the C than I had in awhile.

I was fearful of being caught. I now know this was likely very unlikely. It would have been worse I think if he caught me.

When I confessed, I was so shocked at how much I discovered that he loved me and trusted me. I am not putting that on him. I just wasn't seeing it for awhile before the A-working on that piece of feeling his love, etc.

I think he prefers that I told him. Not sure he has a solid answer on that one yet though.

I am sure I will get some flak for this and that is ok, but I think about what would have happened without me telling him. Prior to A, our marriage was having some trouble. I felt we were disconnected, he was depressed (untreated although I encouraged a number of things to help), I did request MC a few times- he wasn't interested. I also looked into D for awhile, decided I wasn't at that point yet but we did have a discussion about it once, he was surprised but then in arguments he said a few times, fine, D me. I KNOW none of these are responsible for what I did, but that was the marital environment I was in. My reasons for A is a whole other post someday. Yes, and I know I am a complete s--- for doing that while he was depressed.

Now, his D is getting addressed, he even seems to recognize it exists separate from the trauma I caused. We are both in IC and MC and seem to be in R. I am dealing with my multitude of issues which allowed me to have A.

If I hadn't told him and tried to do it on my own, I don't think it would have worked. I drove too big of a spike through our relationship and myself and him. I could have maybe improved myself but I am not sure about the rest.

I had no plan to confess but there had been times during the A when I almost wanted to get caught or share it with my husband. I am still not sure what that was about. It wasn't a revengeful feeling

Oops. Hit submit on accident before I finished my post.

It wasn't a revengeful feeling, it was almost like I wanted him to know about this great new thing in my life. Yep, sick and twisted. My C was too. Said I wanted Open M, but really didn't. Was some sort of distorted way of keeping them both for my own selfish reasons. I am definitely not interested in open M. Said how we could find someone for him ( if you read our history, you can see how this likely didn't help). I think that is the worst of the C.

Since C, I have had the worst days of my life. I think even worse than when I was molested once as a kid. The good days and moments are increasing but sometimes my anxiety about if he will really want me for the duration chokes me. I am managing the anxiety better but it is hard. I never knew a person could be in so much pain. (and selfishly I am referring to myself, but I know his is terrible too).

me-FWS then FBS (2 mo EA and PA, D DAY 1/15)

Him-FBS then FWS (one wk electronic communication then ONS, D DAY 3/15)

School age kids

Seem to be in R.

Mother's Day... birthday...

Here's how it's been for me...

I've not felt like I've not been a good mother for our boys, so what is there to celebrate?

I've been a lousy human, so why celebrate the day I came into the world?

I find myself wanting to minimize these days and downplay the hoopla. (Both are in May, so in my mind they get lumped together.) This is the way that I've felt previously. Nowadays, I am slightly more well-balanced (but the pencil will still roll off the table ) and I understand that this attitude is pretty defeatist and extreme.

The kids are smart and healthy. They struggle a little in school, but they are in no danger of flunking out. They both have pretty well-adjusted friends. I have no qualms about sending #1 off to college next summer (other than I think I'll be surprised at how much I end up missing him ). We have different challenges with #2, but he'll come through junior high and find his feet and he'll be okay, too.

I've made lousy choices and used the most god-awful coping mechanisms. I've held horribly skewed views of my place in the world and the effects I have had on people around me. But if I were really a completely irredeemable human being, I believe that my life would be far more splintered today than it is.

I don't have all my shit together. Does anyone? But for today I'm able to see that there may be a little something worth acknowledging. Now I have to be okay sitting back and letting them acknowledge whatever good they see without my questioning or resisting it. A simple "thank you" will suffice.

[This message edited by Neznayou at 2:53 PM, May 8th, 2015 (Friday)]

Female WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:22 AM, May 14th (Thursday)]

john321

When you live your next lifetime with a set of ovaries you might be qualified to understand and/or comment on this thread. There are no victims here. There are humans who have opened themselves up to dicuss specific struggles they've faced in hopes of improving their future(s). Your post is full of projection on your own crappy homelife. Start your own thread and leave us alone

Familyfirst, you said that so much more politely than I thought about saying. Thanks.

And, as long as this thread is back up there, how y'all doin' on this here fine, sunny day?

All is going pretty good in ff world! I was spoiled on Mother's Day and I spent a lot of the day appreciating this life that I have periodically taken for granted.

On a side note my mother passed away 12 years ago, and Monday would have been her birthday. Combined with Mother's Day this time of year turns into a period of reflection for me and wondering what challenges my mother had in her life whilenever skipping a beat taking care of the family (my father was disabled). I applaud you ladies that have talked to your mothers about your A. I think being able to learn from each other could save a lot of pain.

Hello ladies, hope you were all able to have a good Mother's Day. It makes me think about how I nearly blew up my kids' lives...I'm so happy that BH didn't let me.

On a side note, I'm trying to deal with BH's travelling and the 1 step forward 1 step back we are experiencing. I wrote about it in another thread, but it seems like when he travels (which is every week) he thinks about everything I did and comes back really cold and distant. By the end of the weekend we are back to where we were (which is usually a pretty good place) and then it starts all over again the next week. I don't know what to do...stick it out and hope it changes I guess. Any advice?

That was a not so nice bump, but at least it was a bump allowing us to check in... :)

We didn't celebrate Mother's Day. My kids were sweet, and gave me presents from school. I got MIL and my mom something. I just didn't want the recognition.

Paternity test was done last week. The guy administering the test said we would know in three weeks. So, one week down with two more to go.

Did you ladies find that you were more bitchy or more passive during your affair? I became more passive. If H wanted something (like a new TV), I didn't put up a fight. I felt so guilty. During the A, he said he felt our M was the best it had ever been. Ugh...that crushed me. :(

I'm even worse now. H spends money all the time. It is frustrating. I don't dare make an issue of it though...