SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@famfirst, I'm doing pretty well for the most part. I miss not running like I used to before I got too big during this pregnancy...I'm waiting for it to warm up a bit more so that I can take DD with me.

DD most likely has a milk allergy, so I have taken dairy out of my diet (and I'm trying not to be obsessive about it). I gave up my eating disorder for my oldest, and when I started to get in that mind frame again after DDay, I had to quickly get my mind in a somewhat better place. I don't feel like I should be adding one more thing on my kids' plates.

We've talked about it in IC, and I will most likely touch on it some more on this week's session.

Wow...I'm a new member but this all speaks to me as a WW. All this could be my story.

My BH has called me a slut and a whore. I'm used my affair as a means of escape from the oppression of my family and work responsibilies, but also as validation that I never got as a teen/YA. My family was also emotionally frigid, and they modeled bad communication skills that I brought into my marriage.

In response to an earlier post, I think men have a harder time adjusting after their wive's affairs b/c of how our society views infidelity. There are women who expect a man to cheat. And mothers are always telling daughters to be careful of men and "their ways." So in a way women always have this idea that a man might cheat on her. But men, they don't have this mindset. So when wive's do cheat, it usually comes out of nowhere.

For women, it's like "It finally happened."

For men, it's like "I never thought this would happen." And then the man is completely crushed.

Also, about confiding in mom...

I told--for better or worse--my parents an hour before I told me husband. I didn't know what his reaction would be. I didn't know if I would need a place to stay later. I didn't know if I would need a place for my children to stay. However, I regret telling my parents at all. Both of my parents had A's. When I told them what was happening, they told me they were sorry, that they both understood what I was going through and about to go through, and that I could call, let them them know if I needed anything.

When my husband and I got around to discussing it, he was not happy with their reaction. I think he wanted some sort of "you're a bad child/person for doing this to your husband" response. But, considering their own background, they responded as they saw fit. My husband still is not happy about this.

Just know that their reaction and your husband's reaction to their reaction is a factor you have to consider.

My Husband told me that over in the Betrayed Menz thread, they started talking about the handedness of their WW. An overwhelmingmajority of their wives are (were) lefthanded. So, I'm curious, are you left handed or right?

Me? I'm a southpaw.

right handed

right handed here

Right.

Right.

Right

Right.

right

I'm right handed.

And laughing a little right now, because I just joined SI yesterday, found this group for WW's only (yay!), bee-lined for the most recent posts, and think it's hilarious that y'all are discussing the handedness of WW's. Love it.

Anyway, I'm right handed.

Hi everyone,

Finding this thread a few days ago has helped me get through s couple rough days just knowing there are others out there like me.

As far as the thread about who we told, virtually no one. We both have somewhat public jobs for one. I did not tell my parents as when I have needed support about past relationship stuff, they were not very supportive. I wish I had a mom who was a rock but she is fairly self absorbed. I feel better knowing that I am not some freak for having a non supportive mom. My SIL, one far away friend for each of us knows. I am an only so no sibling to turn to.

Also, we did not want people who also know our kids to somehow be overheard talking about A, etc. in fact, I would love to know how people have dealt with changes in the household and how that is addressed with kids. We are together but there have been a lot of closed door discussions since d day 1/15. Also on d day, my husband was very upset and I finally told my then 12 yr old that I had done something that hurt dads feelings. Also, our weekly MC is after our kids are off school and I have just generally said I have an apt. H meets me there but then we both get home at about the same time. Our teen is suspicious about all the appt as we are also each in IC. My appts are the only ones that fall during the school day

Right now I am struggling with H feeling ambivalent about everything except the kids. His Counselor says that is the depression talking, he was also depressed before A, of course my bomb didn't help that but he is now on meds ands actively dealing with it. Trying to be strong for myself and kids but sometimes feel so darn codependent.

Thanks for listening.

Our kids (boys, now 13 and 16) know I hurt Dad's feelings. They also know that we are in counseling. They've each met our counselor and we call her by name. (I/ we/ Dad has an appointment with Jane tonight.) Those appointments (4 each week) are part of the new normal. We spend time with them and only occasionally do we feel like we're 'neglecting' them in favor of our relationship. It's far more balanced and steady at our house nowadays, but in the beginning I'm sure they overheard more than they wanted to. One of the few occasions they've admitted leaning on each other.

Our oldest has made subtle references to 2012 and the impact it had on his schooling. Our younger hasn't brought it up at all (to me). He was more upset at the move right before starting junior high.

Thanks Neznayu. Not sure if we should come out and say we are going to counseling. Kids are 10 and 13. We have kept it private and them knowing might spread the word at least in the extended family and I am not sure we want to deal with questions or speculation. Does anyone else have thoughts about dealing with this?

Also, we had the experience today of both having a good day individually and also when we talked on the phone mid day. Then an issue from the past week came up in MC this afternoon and the stuff hit the fan. The issue was worked through but lots of raw emotions for both and anger for him after. He quipped why continue counseling if it makes things worse? My answer is...well worse in the short term but I think we will be able to move forward better now. (Have not said that to him, he seems to need space right now....) Just would have been nice to "complete" a good day.

Not sure if we should come out and say we are going to counseling. Kids are 10 and 13...Does anyone else have thoughts about dealing with this?

well, one possible benefit from telling your kids about counseling is that it might "normalize" the experience. Then when they are older they might be less hesitant about getting IC for any tough issues they are facing...If word leaks out to the rest of the family, you could set boundaries and just tell them "thank you for your concern but please respect our privacy. " another good example for your kids. :-)

Thanks StillHis. I think it would be good to say something. My 13 year old seems to have a good idea that we are going to multiple appts per week.

On another note, I am curious in general if most of us confessed the A or was caught in the A? Wondering how that has affected people's fog immediately after, reconciliation, etc.

my fog and withdrawal from the affair seemed pretty brief. Also, I have read that WH generally are in the fog longer.

I confessed although not everything at once but 95 percent came out in the first 24 hours. I think it would have been much worse if he discovered it. The initial shock and his rage was terrifying and surprising to me and I literally feel physically Ill still when I think about it.

And if you confessed, why?

Me-FWS then FBS

Him-FBS then FWS

Seem to be in R

D day from mine 1/15 (2 months, PA and EA)

D day from his 3/15, Electronic communication for a week then ONS.

School age kids

Seem to be in R.

AP's wife text me from AP's phone early one morning saying that she knew. So, I found a place for my kids to go, and confessed when he got home from work. I didn't TT...the hardest thing to tell him was that I knew I was pregnant with AP's baby. He knew the baby wasn't his...he was surprised when I told him I was pregnant two weeks before DDay. Any other detail he needed seemed so small in comparison to that. :(

It was either confess or drive off a bridge.

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:57 PM, April 25th (Saturday)]

Do any of you notice a link between your hormones and your mood or ability to keep a level head? I'm wondering if the shame feels worse during certain times of the month for anyone else.

As for the question at hand, I think my tagine speaks for itself: no, I did not confess. My husband had to drag the truth out of me.