SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

IslandA,

Re: slut?

Remember this: You are who you work toward becoming.

Stop and make a list of the things you want to be, who you want to be, and what that looks like.

If what you do and who you are fit, and that's not a "slut" then you're good.

If not, then write down what you can do to change that.

For instance, how we dress, how we act around members of the opposite sex, how we speak, who we spend time with, and what we talk about can all be factors.

Give it some thought, work toward the goal of being who you want to be, and never mind labels from others, partially justified or not.

Change and healing is up to you now.

I have a question for you ladies about body image. I have always watched my weight. When my clothes start feeling tight I cut back on wine and carbs and I'm back to normal. I actually enjoy running/biking/working out. But here's the rub. When I was approaching my late 30s I began to feel....OLD. I started throwing pennies in the fountain of youth. Getting microderm facials, using crest white strips, working out more, you get the idea. I started seeing results, my confidence hit a peak and coincidence or not my A started shortly thereafter. I had a vicious cycle of AP telling me how attractive I was and having that motivate me even more to take care of myself. I started laser hair removal, using latisse, the full deal. Never in my life had I been so frivolous.

After the A I became conscious of not *advertising*, I cut back on the form fitting clothes and stopped all the high dollar maintenance routines. A year later I'm probably 8lbs over my usual weight. Spring has sprung where I live and I have this desire to work out and be healthier. Lose the winter weight, wear shorts and tank tops, get a little tan. But I find myself having guilt that this is wayward behavior even though rationally I know it doesn't have to be. My IC said I'm doing a version of what children who get abused do when they frequently gain weight as a protection device, to make themselves less attractive. Her advice to focus on my health, and not my body, has not seemed to help. I want to look good, but I don't want to want to look good if you know what I mean. Have any of you experienced something similar?

I know exactly what you mean. Right before A I started running every day. I don't weigh myself, so I'm not sure how much weight I lost, but I did end up buying a bunch of new clothes. Then, once A started, I was with AP almost every day. I looked the best I have ever looked (except when I lose weight my boobs are non-existant).

H commented out of frustration that AP got to have lots of sex with me when my body looked "amazing", and he was upset that he didn't get to enjoy it as much. I told him that at least he got to enjoy the bigger boobs from pregnancy and nursing!

So, I find myself in the position where I want to hide under my extra weight, but that I also want to get back down to where I was for H. I worry that if I lose the weight, it will be a trigger for H too.

I want to look good, but I don't want to want to look good if you know what I mean. Have any of you experienced something similar?

Ohhhhh yes.

Here's the thing though. What is your motivation? To look better for other people, or yourself? To be healthier for attention, or because it's the best choice for you?

I feel miserable when I'm thick. And winter slayed me this year. My self confidence and over all attitude takes a hit. I don't like that feeling. I don't like the side effects. I feel better 15 pounds lighter. Not for the attention, but because it feels better for ME.

People are going to look. For every person that's got the hots for a skinny chick, there's a person that loves the curves and cushion. This is where your boundaries and "I'm totally unavailable" vibe kicks in. I found that when I was working on myself (whys, coping, etc.) and doing things for myself, I became oblivious to people around me.

None of the things I do have to do with other people or their perception of me. Those things are good for me. I like myself more when I take care of myself.

Way I figure is, if I had the drive and ambition to look good for some random AP, I can sure as heck take care of myself and look good for myself and my husband. I'm worth it. My husband is worth it. My children are worth it. They live with me, they interact with me. They (and I) deserve my best.

I was taught early on that sexuality is bad. Two piece swimsuits were bad. Nudity was bad. Short skirts were bad. High heels were bad. Doing anything to draw attention to my looks was bad. You get the point. Because if I dressed in a way that showed off my body, guys would have lustful thoughts and that would be bad. So, I fell into a dumpy, jeans and t-shirts and sneakers look. I'd fight the blah look every once in a while, but I never understood what all the fuss was about. (I was comfortable in the army because BDUs ain't exactly sexy on a woman.)

During a discussion last night, my husband really hit on something. He said that since I had an affair, I proved that I wasn't a good girl and so now I don't have to try to behave like one. Nowadays, I wear all that - short skirts, push-up bras, high heels, bikinis. Victoria's Secret is my secret I own more lingerie now that I have in my entire life combined - corsets, stockings, thongs, lace. Learning at the age of 40 to buy and wear makeup has been a challenge. My husband enjoys me enjoying being sexy for him. It took a while for me to realize that I enjoy being sexy for me, too. As for heads that may or may not turn? So the fuck what? I'm not out looking for anything other than a way home to my husband.

In addition to changing how I dress, I've also got two tattoos (and I'm eager for my next ones) and a piercing (pretty far south). I've started smoking cigarellos. We go to night clubs at least once a month. Sexually? We've explored a whole hell of a lot together.

Even though I still have emotional, internal work to do, I feel like I've stepped closer to the person I've wanted to be all along but was just too damn scared of life to do it. (I used to envy Cyndy Lauper's fearlessness. I so wanted to dress like that.)

[This message edited by Neznayou at 10:46 AM, March 26th, 2015 (Thursday)]

I feel like I've stepped closer to the person I've wanted to be all along but was just too damn scared of life to do it.

I felt that way during my affairs too, but because my affairs were with men that part of my sexuality ended. It had to. I think it's great that you and your husband are exploring this new found you! That's pretty cool of him I must say!

But I find myself having guilt that this is wayward behavior even though rationally I know it doesn't have to be.

I am struggling with this right now too. I have always struggled with weight a bit. In my 30's and early 40's, I was invisible as a result. I cared about my appearance, but not enough. I had my first affair while in I looked like this. Once that happened, all hell broke loose. I lost TONS of weight, hair looked better, new clothes, tanning, Botox. It was a TOTAL transformation - nothing subtle about it. I got compliments left and right and more attention than I ever had in my life...ever. It was addictive as hell.

Then it all came crashing down and, with it, my self-esteem. I've done ok with maintaining it - gained a few pounds back for sure that I'm fighting to lose again. I am struggling with wanting to still look in the mirror and feel proud of what I see and balancing that against the guilt I feel that I don't deserve to feel all that good about me. And I don't want the attention anymore. In my experience, putting on weight is the fastest way to lose the attention of men. And I started down that path to invisibility.

In addition to gaining back a few pounds, I stopped all the other stuff for months. Didn't buy a single piece of clothing, no cosmetic enhancements, nothing. I started to let myself go. But then I thought...how shitty of me is that! I was MORE than wiling to run right out and get Botox and a tan for random guys, but once I'm with my partner - and only my partner - I let myself go? She deserves to be proud of me. And I do too. I'm bringing it all back, but not to an obsessive point. Picking the things that I feel like make me feel good about me. Hell, millions of men/women are getting Botox and NOT having affairs. I think I can manage to have one without the other.

I've never been super motivated by health. Sounds terrible, but it's true. I don't exercise to lengthen my life span, I exercise to lose weight and tone muscles. Shallow...I know. So thinking about the health benefits wouldn't do anything for me. I will admit that I'm doing things that make me look better for no other purpose than I want to look better.

In response to the comments about losing weight and tying the health behaviors with the affair behaviors...

For awhile I thought I was healthier during my LTA because I was always running around trying to be with two people at the same time. However, that was taking a serious toll on my body. I was drinking more alcohol. I was drinking more caffeine. I wasn't relaxing enough each day. I wasn't sleeping as many hours. Sure, I was getting an adrenaline rush from the affair, but that's different than earning that healthy feeling through exercise and healthy foods.

My H and I have struggled in the past with making health a shared endeavor. Whereas in the past I would often complain about a certain sport that he enjoyed, or he would make fun of me for craving sweets all the time, we are trying to be more supportive of each other. I try to appreciate when he does the sports that I enjoy and give him that in return. He is more aware that he craves certain foods too, and was often projecting onto me his annoyance for eating chocolate and getting acne as a result.

[This message edited by TheWorstCase at 1:12 PM, March 26th (Thursday)]

It's interesting you say you started feeling bad about your looks in your late 30's and started making a big effort then. I wonder if late 30's is a common age for a woman to have an A often we're out of the very small children phase and have started reclaiming ourselves as women.

I was 39 when I had my A. I had started noticing everything heading south, wrinkles popping up overnight etc. i really started trying to take very good care of myself and do a lot more anti-aging facials, supplements etc. i became quite obsessed. I think the A was definitely related - someone came along who couldn't get enough of me and who saw me as a trophy. It made me feel like I wasn't past it! Mid-life crisis or what?!

I can understand the not making an effort anymore. Directly after DDay I felt like this. It seemed wrong.

But I like looking as good as I can. I have good legs so I wear mini-skirts. I like wearing make up. I don't eat too much crap. It's not so I can attract lots of male attention, it's because I feel better when I know I look better. In the end it's a question of boundaries and behaviour, as I'm learning. Also BH likes me to look nice so I make sure to make a special effort when we go out together. And I don't change into sweatpants and wash my face as soon as I get home now. I'm happy to be hot(ish!) for BH!

Thanks for the replies, it feels so much better to know I'm not alone

Elphabasmom

but that I also want to get back down to where I was for H.

Have you told your H this? Seems like that would make him happy. My issue is I know my BH doesn’t care what I look like. This is fantastic and also irritating. I often say he wouldn’t notice if I came home with purple hair.

NeznayouYour post is amazing. I think you and your BH really define finding the ‘silver lining’ in the A! I’m really happy for the both of you. I explored a pretty dark streak in my A, so I guess it’s in me as well but I just don’t see a place for it in my M.

R44

I don't exercise to lengthen my life span, I exercise to lose weight and tone muscles

Ditto. When I say I feel better when I’m in shape I’m probably mostly referring to my confidence. Also I hate tight waistbands. I guess I’m worried that being shallow might mean I’m tiptoeing back towards unicorn land.

TheWorstCase

I was getting an adrenaline rush from the affair, but that's different than earning that healthy feeling through exercise and healthy foods

I barely slept during my A as well. My weight was low but I was sure it was due to having my heart race from nerves all day. I don’t even want to know the toll it took on my overall health.

Lostcat

I wonder if late 30's is a common age for a woman to have an A often we're out of the very small children phase and have started reclaiming ourselves as women.

I do believe my stage in life had some contributing factor. It felt good to be noticed again after a long time of taking care of others and pursuing my career. I should have talked to my BH about that, told him I needed some more attention. Not sure it would have worked, but man how easy of a solution would that have been vs all the gymnastics of the A

Aubrie your question is the hardest

What is your motivation? To look better for other people, or yourself? To be healthier for attention, or because it's the best choice for you?

IDK. Of course to look better for myself, but in all honesty I like other people thinking I look good too. Men and women. Even my 12 year old daughter's opinion of my looks counts to me. I know that’s a shade of needing validation from others which is a slippery slope. It’s also who I am, who I’ve always been. I need to figure out how to be me without crossing dangerous boundaries.

it's because I feel better when I know I look better. In the end it's a question of boundaries and behaviour, as I'm learning. Also BH likes me to look nice so I make sure to make a special effort when we go out together. And I don't change into sweatpants and wash my face as soon as I get home now. I'm happy to be hot(ish!) for BH!

Genau! I thought that because I didn't wear makeup when we met that it wasn't important to BH. He liked the way I looked. Since DDay, however, he has told me that wearing makeup would demonstrate that I wanted to look my very best for him and that he was worth the little extra effort. Standing on my own two feet, I am plain - average height, average weight, mousy brown hair, non-descript eyes (what color are they, anyway?), nothing really to write home about. But just because I don't see it, doesn't mean that BH doesn't.

I know that’s a shade of needing validation from others which is a slippery slope. It’s also who I am, who I’ve always been. I need to figure out how to be me without crossing dangerous boundaries.

I think it would be wise to take come time to dig into why the validation from strangers is so important for you. I completely understand wanting to look nice for your spouse or immediate family. But other people shouldn't matter. Shouldn't even be on the radar.

You are correct that it's a slippery slope. And yes, like you, it's who I always was. That's the maddening thing about WS101. Many times we've been this way since we could remember. Rewiring is no easy task, but it can be done.

"I was taught early on that sexuality is bad."

Similar but substitute currency.

I dress in very dark colors. Black and gray maybe a white blouse or t shirt when not wearing jeans.

Now, I find myself buying more color and brighter. My husband is very concerned about it. He loves the look but feels I'm still looking for another rather than him.

I'm not. I'm also not looking as much toward him right now. I'm hoping as we go further that this changes. I don't want a divorce but am really struggling with the past.

dressing myself is like art for me - it's hard to explain. A good fit and COLOR combination is expressing myself. Hubby asked me if I was alone on a deserted island would I dress the same way. I said yes, especially if there were mirrors....

so, this is a tough one. I dress more conservatively now but I do spend time and money on my fitness. I want to live to 100 and be the Gramma that plays on the floor with her grandkids.

I;m finding that as I get healthier mentally some of those things that used to be important to me - nails and nice handbags are now, meh.. and i'm not sure why but it seems high maintenance now..

just thoughts.

FamilyFirst.. I could have written the exact same post. It is very reassuring to know you're not alone. I have worked so hard the last few years to be healthy and fit, and in turn felt great. I find myself struggling lately to get back on track. I've been running the last few years and ran another 1/2 marathon in the fall... Since then and my DD, I find I've let everything slip ... I'm afraid to get back on the scale and see all my hard work gone. It's almost as though I'm punishing myself. But why? To not feel pretty? Depressed? Maybe I fear my BS will question my intentions of wanting to look good... Maybe it's all of those, and more. I need to feel healthy though to feel happier. And thanks to your post, I will work through all of those thoughts and work on me, for me. We deserve it. Thank you for all the ladies here, I appreciate reading all your posts.

I used to do my nails and toes every week without fail. My hair was done, slight makeup once and awhile and I was working out. Clothes and heels I loved, I liked my curves and getting the best fit was important to me. After my A I did not care. In the past 2.5 years I gained 30 lbs. My hair was I n a bun a lot, I had breakouts I didnt bother taking care of, nails were a mess, I was a mess.

it took a lot to be okay with looking okay again. I started with my nails. A splash of color and it made me feel good. I took some hits and stumbles but slowly but surely I am clawing back the idea that it is okay to look good and want to look good as long as I am not looking for attention by doing so. I am just now getting back into shape and it feels awesome. I also had to realize like Aubrie said people are gonna react to what theh like whether you look a mess or not. I was out to dinner one day with my friend, had on sweats and a t-shirt, hair in a bun. I felt like I looked plain jane and a bit messy. As I am getting in a cab a guy walks past me and hits on me. I got in the cab and went home never responding. I do remember thinking and realizing in that moment that there is nothing I can do that will force everyone away but as long as I knew how to respond i'd be fine.

It takes a long time to rewire and think differently but once you get it it's so worth it.

Thank you Unagie... I needed that. On that note, I'll be back to the treadmill today, oh brother lol... :)

Just wondering of any of you told or confided in your mom.. If so how did it go and do you have any regrets?

Ever since D-Day my BH and I have distanced ourselves from everyone. We just can't face the world right now. My BH does not want anyone to know about my A so out of respect to him I only confide in my IC..

However when I am with my mom I feel like I am holding back watching every word I say because I know she suspects something is up with me. She has asked me many times if I am OK. lets face it Mom's can tell..

[This message edited by notaslut at 1:00 PM, March 30th (Monday)]

I did.. she has been my rock. and tried to knock some sense into me.

DDay weekend ... My great-aunt's 90th birthday party (I think 90, maybe not quite). Lots of family from out of town, including my parents. During confrontation, BH insisted that I tell my parents. He thought it would help snap me out of it. If you know my family (passive-aggressive, surface peaceful, conflict avoidant... wonder where I get it? ), then you wouldn't be surprised that neither Mom nor Dad had much to say. I don't recall my father saying anything at all and my mother quietly asked a few questions and expressed continued support. I believe that most of my extended family knows (so they can "pray" for us ). However, no one has reached out and specifically asked about the affair, or how we're doing. It's a vague "How's it goin'" sort of approach. Since that weekend, I've tried to talk to my mom about it. Once she had the audacity to post on facebook that my BH was lucky to have me. Seriously? I sent her a PM and set her straight. I did write her a letter (old-school paper and pen even) trying to explain what I had done to my Husband. She wrote back basically apologizing for doing a lousy job raising me, hoping we can forgive her and that we'll let her continue to be part of our life. Other than the fact that I see my FOO in new, more well-informed light and I really don't miss my parents, nothing has changed. Our few phone conversations still have the same surface timbre that they've always had. There is no depth and probably never will be. Regrets about telling Mom? No, not really. (On a side note, no one ostracized me for the affair although I did cut out two friends who were in an adulterous relationship.)