SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This week my BH is back home visiting his mom and taking care of some business that couldn't be handled in a 21st century way. His mom lives one town up from where we were living when I had the Affair. BH went down to the old neighborhood and checked on our house and met with some friends. He was at our old hang out spot talking with someone who knew all of us (BH, me, OM, OBGF), but did not know about the A until BH told him. BH told me that this mutual friend "has a lot of respect for you." That kinda crawled under my skin. No one has respect for cheaters we all crawl in the same slimy-ness.

I thought this question related to the first part of my post, but if there was a connection before I turned on the computer, I lost it. ...

I'm a fan of Brene Brown's work. I like what she says about being vulnerable and being enough and not needing to be (or even trying to be) perfect. (Okay, so I haven't successfully embraced her teachings, but I like what she says.) Anyway, I kinda get hung up on the idea of being enough. If I accept that I am enough as I am right now, where is my incentive to change myself? What if I accept that what I am right now is as good as I can get, but it really isn't and I'm just using it as an excuse to quit trying? Also, that thread about breastfeeding fits right in to what I'm saying. If you make the choice to breastfeed kids for 3 years, good on ya. If you choose some other way to nourish your infants, chances are they'll turn out just fine. You've fed them well enough. What if I'm just lazy and don't want to make the house cleaner I just call it "enough" and go watch TV. In the end, however, no matter how I feel about myself being enough, if my Husband doesn't think I'm enough, then I'm not. (Man, I really miss that Man.)

ow I feel about myself being enough, if my Husband doesn't think I'm enough, then I'm not.

Not true! You are enough no matter what anyone else says!

Don't let anyone else decide that for you..

Wow, you ladies clearly know exactly what's in my head! Exactly! My FOO issues are just coming to the surface in IC. Of course, I always knew they were there, but I couldn't articulate them, and I certainly couldn't see how much they had messed me up in the head or that I could change that if I tried. Talk about never feeling good enough...that's me for sure. If only my parents had said you're beautiful, you're smart, you're a great person even just occasionally, maybe I would have believed it when BH said it. I had it in my head that I was never going to be enough, never live up to standards. That's really sad. And forget about actually asking for attention. My parents didn't give me any because I clearly didn't deserve it, so why ask BH for more when I wasn't getting enough? God...I could go on and on with how my FOO issues wrecked my marriage!

Even though this situation I've put myself and BH in really sucks, to say the least, it is definitely my oppurtunity to get those demons out of my head.

If I were enough, my husband would be one of those rare few who can proudly proclaim that we are completely reconciled and happy, happy, happy.

If I were enough, he wouldn't still have questions.

If I were enough, he wouldn't be Betrayed and we wouldn't be here.

Clearly, although I no longer actively strive for perfection, I am not yet enough.

And, perhaps more clearly, I need to get some sleep. A little teenager drama at 2 a.m. cuts into the recommended 8 hours of shut eye.

More important question why do/did we NEED anyone to validate us? Why couldnt we see the self worth without anyone else teling us it was there?

Unagie, this is a really good question. I feel that my self esteem was eroded away as a child. I was picked on in elementary school because my mom was very heavy. Kids called her names and it really hurt me. I got glasses in 3rd grade. In middle school kids called me 4 eyes and called me Bookworm (even though I'm proud of that now ). In high school my early onset grayness began to occur. I was called skunk because of it, and slimer/greaser because of the hairspray in my hair. I never felt very pretty. My parents told me I was pretty, but that was not enough. I guess in some weird way I thought that it was their obligation to say it because they were my parents. Their positives didn't outweigh the negatives of my peers. I didn't believe I was pretty so why would I believe it when someone else said it. I was madd to feel like shit about myself. Maybe that's why when I started to get attention from boys I threw myself at them to hook them. I wanted to be validated since I couldn't validate myself. I'm assuming that my parents didn't teach me how to feel good about myself. I know I was involved in sports, dance, and swimming early on and the being in the band front in high school. You would think all of those activities would give me esteem. I desperately want to belong in any situation they I'm in. I want instant connection with people - if I have to tell secrets, reveal more of myself then I should, or have sex to get that attention I will. It depresses me how fucked up that is. I shouldn't need everyone to like me but I do. I need to snap out of this, and since D-day I've became more aware of this. I'm working at it.

I was just posting for Alyssamd24 about this.

Here is what I said back there:

Maybe what you can do, instead of focusing so hard on pleasing him, is to focus on making yourself better.

Have you identified what it was (bad boundary? Wrong thinking?) that let you step over the line and cheat?

Have you decided in your heart and mind and soul that there will be new boundaries, a new normal, a new way of thinking?

Have you worked on building your self esteem by doing things for others? Or taking time to try something new like trying a new recipe or learning a new skill?

When you walk into the room with a new self confidence, and it comes from something GOOD, it helps you feel human again.

--hope it helps!

BR

I posted this earlier:

I desperately want to belong in any situation they I'm in. I want instant connection with people - if I have to tell secrets, reveal more of myself then I should, or have sex to get that attention I will.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Trying to make an instant connection with people? To create intimacy too fast? Obviously intimacy is something that needs to be nurtured. I am not sure what is lacking in my life that I need those connections.

BR:

That is a fantastic post to share! I love it so much I'm going to respond with my thoughts.

Here is what I said back there:

Maybe what you can do, instead of focusing so hard on pleasing him, is to focus on making yourself better.

Absolutely to a T. Before H and I separated, I was 100% focused on improving myself and doing everything it took to change myself. He took notice. It was obvious to him. He now felt that he was holding me back. He wants R now but he knows that "new me" wont take any shit because I've changed.

Have you identified what it was (bad boundary? Wrong thinking?) that let you step over the line and cheat?

This is a key question every WW should be asking themselves and answering TRUTHFULLY. Even if your BH is King Shit of Turd Island, that isn't your "REASON" to cheat. It goes way beyond that. I have had to identify many reasons. Boundaries was big. Wrong thinking was definitely another. I allowed myself to cheat in so many different ways without having any respect for myself.

Have you decided in your heart and mind and soul that there will be new boundaries, a new normal, a new way of thinking?

For myself, I know this to be true. It is exhausting work to learn the 'new normal' because there is a lot of stopping to think. Assessing.. Acknowledging problem areas. Working through it all in IC. If boundaries are a big one, I'm finding it helpful to know your game plan before you're in a situation you don't want so you are able to prevent it. Men are always gonna hit on women. It's part of life. It's how we handle ourselves when it happens is the key.

Self respect is still a work in process. This is really tough.

Have you worked on building your self esteem by doing things for others? Or taking time to try something new like trying a new recipe or learning a new skill?

Doing something for others is really easy and definitely a way to make yourself feel better at the same time. I'm trying to find new ways to help people. At Xmas, I sponsored a family in need. The single mom thanked me a lot but I was also the one thanking her. I felt really good about making her kids smile and have hope around Xmas.

Also, I have learned that a new outlet for me is trying out new healthy tasty recipes. I think the extra challenge for me is to do it all with a toddler screaming at your legs. But hey if you can handle that obstacle, you can handle anything. I also took up weight lifting and exercise is a part of daily life for me. I got back into reading after years of barely reading.

All this has helped me have better coping mechanisms.

When you walk into the room with a new self confidence, and it comes from something GOOD, it helps you feel human again.

I'm finding this more now which is helping gain even more self respect. I love feeling human and healthy so it makes you even hungrier to work harder for it.

[This message edited by She-Ra at 2:40 PM, March 17th (Tuesday)]

Wow, way to go She-Ra!

Thanks BR!!!!

I think you provided an excellent self check list for WW. All of us no matter where we are in the journey can benefit from answering your questions truthfully. This way we can see where we need the most work and what we have accomplished so far.

I have been feeling like a "whore" lately. AP used me for sex. My H called me a slut and cheating bitch. I can't say I blame him, but it's just awful to think he might be right (even though I didn't sleep around before I was married--I've only "been with" a few people).

Hello Ladies:

My H has asked me these questions a number of times and he has told me he had a real hard time wrapping his head around them..

Have any of you gone though this??

I have told him that I felt like 2 people at the same time. I have NO idea WHY I did what I did..

* How do I get over your cruelty, manipulation, indifference to me during this time?

A)the manipulation and mind games allowed me to do what I wanted

* How do I get over the fact that you never considered my feelings, never considered me at all?

A) He was never to know about the A so in my mind he was not going to get hurt. (I know messed up)

* Did you not love me during this time?

A) YES

* Did you hate me????

A) NO

* It was so cruel, bordering on hostility, I have to think it was more than indifference and that you really disliked me during this time.

A) yes and no I felt alone,resenting his school and over time.. Uggg you know chick stuff..

My IC has told me the how and why questions are the ones that I may never know the answers to and that I should tell my H not to ask them..

Any thoughts on that one?

My partner is SUPER complimentary too. Very affectionate. I think I heard it so often that it started to lose meaning or emphasis.

Seems like so many people end up in affairs because they were seeking affection that they say they were lacking at home.

thanks for sharing that. It is something I struggle with. DH is not very articulate and OM was...I thought it was heaven on earth when he told me I was beautiful and could describe why from head to toe.

Your story helps me to let go of THAT as being a "reason" for the affair.

I was exhausted during A. I was trying so hard to keep AP and H happy. One of the many times I broke it off with AP, I told him I was in two relationships and neither one of them was making me happy.

I have a question for you WW...was there any HB? I'm struggling because there is no sex. H will kiss me before he leaves for work...sometimes we'll hug. I don't think HB is necessarily ideal, but I just want something. I was just wondering if HB occurred more in WH situations than WW situations...

When I confessed, it was not even an hour later and my husband was tackling me.

Lots of HB. For a couple months.

I was just wondering if HB occurred more in WH situations than WW situations...

At least from what I've read here, it occurs in both. But you all have a newborn, so I would imagine that HB would be dramatically impacted by that. Sex lives in general are impacted by the birth of child, so wouldn't the same hold true for HB? Not to mention the complexity of your particular situation.

I can only imagine that the 2 of you are emotionally and physically exhausted. Give it a bit more time, then talk to him about it if it hasn't changed.

@aubrie and regret,

Thanks for your replies. I was 10 weeks on DDay, but it took two months for us even to attempt sex, and it didn't go so well, we tried a couple months later, and it went better. I feel like we are just friends who share a bed, but being friends is better than nothing.

Over the weekend, H told me relationships are making him cringe. We went away for the weekend, and a couple we were with were bantering back and forth. H ended up going back to our hotel room, because he couldn't stand it.

HB definitely occurred between BH and I. Two years later we probably have sex about 2x a week - sometimes more. He still desires me (which I am so grateful for). I am working through my sexual issues and he has been supportive if I am not into sex when he may want it.

We didn't have HB. I didn't give BH the chance to - I was so deep in the fog and the sudden withdrawal from AP that I couldn't even contemplate sex with BH. I was wondering about this too - seems like there is a lot with BW/WH?

Our sex life has definitely improved compared to pre-A in quality and quantity

BH says he feels like he is in competition with OM. He creeps into his thoughts, and he hates it. H was the only man I had sex with before AP.