SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My name says it all!!

I just need to believe it now!! I read mrnotaslut's thread and see how this peeps are telling him to divorce me ASAP.. She must have spread her legs for the OM.. Get a polygraph. Does not help! But there are a lot of truth to what they say too. I understand there are a lot of hurt people here so I will be understanding of their pain.

We are working towards R it is no wonder I get the shakes when he turns on the computer. With others telling him to D me..

Yes, what I did to him was WRONG.. No question about it.. I have regret, BIG time shame for what I have done to him and our M.. I have been 110% working on being the person I once was..

I am trying to figure out how I could even consider an A when I would not even let my H be wild with me. I think my FOO prevented me from being sexy with my H.

Thank you nezneyou for your post.. It hit a nerve for me!! Did it take an A for me to find the woman that was hidden within me? I have been with my H since I was 17 have I always been that scarred kid till now? Questions for my IC..!!

WOES

Which brings me to shame. I will always have a certain amount of shame attached to my A. And I think that's ok. It's not debilitating. It's that shame, the shame of hurting someone I love, the embarrassment of who I had become that stops me from ever behaving like that again. That shame is healthy. But if you let it control your life or define who you are, well that shame is unhealthy.

It's my belief, that the more you own your behaviors, the more you learn to accept them, the less debilitating that shame becomes.

I unfortunately think I allow my shame to control how I feel about myself. I have shame regarding my sexual past, my mother, my A and the person I became, and how I have hurt my BH to the core. I don't want my shame to control or define me, but it's hard some days to look deep down at the good inside of me. I know that there is still good there - but for awhile I let this yucky side of me take over. I try to remind myself of the good things about myself; the positive things that made BH fall in love with me. Some days it's harder then others. When I see him hurting so bad, the shame overwhelms me.

I think every one of us exchanged sex for "currency"

I'm conflicted on this. I think it's too simplistic that all women want is emotional kibble and men just want physical.

It's not simplistic and its not just women that want the ego kibbles. When I say every one of us, I don't just mean women.

Those of us that continued contact with our APs were getting something from it. There was an exchange of sorts made. If no such exchanges were made, then why the affair?

You can call it ego kibbles, pay offs, or yes even currency. no matter how you look at it, you gave something away most likely because you felt you were getting sonething you wanted in return.

Those of us that continued contact with our APs were getting something from it. There was an exchange of sorts made. If no such exchanges were made, then why the affair?

At the time of the A, I thought I was getting validation from AP. The thing was, though, that my BH was giving me validation everyday that I was beautiful and loved. I don't know why that wasn't enough.

WOEZ I completely agree with this

you gave something away most likely because you felt you were getting sonething you wanted in return.

For me what I gave away was not sex, it was like I sold my soul and what I got in return was the opportunity to be a different person for a couple hours out of the day. To moonlight as someone who only cared about personal gratification and continuous validation. God what a twit I was.

I wish I could talk to myself 5 years ago and say "routinely take some time for yourself, it's ok to be selfish occasionally. Have sex with your H at least once a week even if you're tired. If you don't, you run the risk of going off the deep end someday!"

All relationships have an exchange of currency.

For me, my first AP was closer to a ONS (a 3 night stand as it were) so the currency exchange was 100% sexual. I wanted to have sex with a man. It was as close to hiring a male escort without hiring a male escort as it could be. I was not motivated by ego, attention, or anything other than a sexual desire.

That evolved the further I got into my double life. With AP2 I was still primarily driven by a sexual desire, but started to feel like I wanted attention too. Not too much of it though because I found that irritating.

I may very well be an anomaly in that I'm a woman who's primary motivation for infidelity was sex. Most people assume that for women it's emotional. That's not always the case.

familyfirst how are you doing with this now? Meaning, are you routinely taking time for yourself?

This is something I struggle with mightily. I can't justify taking "me time," because I have an endless to-do list, and I pressure myself to earn as much $ as possible.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 9:34 AM, March 11th, 2015 (Wednesday)]

Meaning, are you routinely taking time for yourself?

Kind of. The problem I have, which sounds similar to you, is that your job can turn into a me-time activity. Meaning it takes time away from the family. I work more than my H, and I really love my job. But as a super mom candidate, I would also want to make dinner every night and attend at least half of the kids' athletic practices, keep a perfect house, etc. More than doing selfish activities, I'm just trying to cut myself a little slack. If I want to work late, I work late and we can order pizza. If the weather is nice I will go for a 30 min run and just catch the last half of bball practice instead of staring at them for the full hour. If it's a Monday and I want a glass of wine, I drink it. To date the family has not yet rebelled. I'm sure there were many nights of me slamming down a perfect plate of chicken parmesan all pissed off growling "EAT IT!!"

IC is another excellent me-time activity. 60 min of pure selfish indulgence.

Staying physically connected with my H is key for me too. It's easy to fall out of sync. He has a lower libido than me so if I'm not initiating we could easily let months slip by action free. When we're fooling around a lot I'm more optimistic and less critical about him, our M and even myself. Shallow, but still a reality for me. His mother was living with us for 5 months leading up to the start of my A. It was stressful on a number of fronts, but I can't help thinking being celibate for that long was a contributing factor for me.

Sorry 20, I'm sure that's more than you bargained for!

it was like I sold my soul and what I got in return was the opportunity to be a different person for a couple hours out of the day. To moonlight as someone who only cared about personal gratification and continuous validation. God what a twit I was.

I've heard affairs described "escapism". I had an alarm set so that I would get back home before my husband did. The only thought I gave my sons was that they were either asleep or on their computers anyway and didn't notice if I was there or not. The word I use to describe myself is way more harsh than "twit". I'm much more in tune with them now. I recognize some of the behaviors which say they need alone time or mommy time. Not perfected yet, but at least on the radar.

20W:

This is something I struggle with mightily. I can't justify taking "me time," because I have an endless to-do list, and I pressure myself to earn as much $ as possible.

Why? Have you really looked at this? I think as women with careers and being parents, we all have an endless to-do list. It really doesn't stop until we say that's enough for today.

Have you tried to schedule in 'you time'? Perhaps even 2-3x a week for an hour. Just doing something for you. It will really help.

And why do you have so much pressure to earn as much $ as possible? I'm looking at this myself. I'm putting way too much pressure on right now. I think it's helping distract from my real issues. And I need to stop and think. Give myself credit for what I have accomplished. That even if I don't make "insert amount of $" it doesn't make me a failure. There is so much success there as well and it's not black and white. I have been spending the last few days trying to reframe my thinking about all this.

Here's a question: Why did we need our AP to validate us? Why wasn't our BH enough? My BH ALWAYS called me beautiful and tried to make me feel worthwhile, but for some reason it must not have been enough.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 12:17 PM, March 11th (Wednesday)]

in my case, my BS COULD have if I had let him. However, I had built up so much resentment over the years and felt that everything was his fault because he couldn't read my mind. He was absolutely the perfect person to validate but I was so immature and misunderstood how a marriage worked and what love really meant.

My AP was just a person I didn't have a history with. That was about it.

Why wasn't our BH enough?

My partner is SUPER complimentary too. Very affectionate. I took it for granted. I think I heard it so often that it started to lose meaning or emphasis. And then there's the resentments that start to build in a relationship. The ILY's didn't cancel out the other noise.

I felt bad about it though. Seems like so many people end up in affairs because they were seeking affection that they say they were lacking at home. I wasn't lacking in that. I was, however, lacking in many other areas - poor boundaries, thrill seeking, etc.

Why did we need our AP to validate us? Why wasn't our BH enough? My BH ALWAYS called me beautiful and tried to make me feel worthwhile, but for some reason it must not have been enough.

For me? While he said he loved me and we got married, (If I'm honest, he was my KISA in the moment I needed to escape FOO) while he said all those things that women crave to hear, he held me at arms length.

Arms length was like the "but" of a sentence. Everything he said about/to me prior was completely negated by the "but".

We had absolutely zero communication skills for even the boring and mundane. Oil and water, we were. Because of my own holes/scars, anything he said fell thru. Because of our history, (childhood friends) I knew there was no way he could really believe the stuff coming out of his mouth. He married me for convenience, I was available. Arms length proved my theory to be correct. Vicious, ridiculous cycle.

Don't get me started. I already know how insanely flawed that thought process was.

Why did we need our AP to validate us? Why wasn't our BH enough?

In my case my BH was not very attentive. After 15 years we went from being lovers to just partners in this game called Life. Most of our discussions were transactional, who was going to pick up who, which one of us was going to do what. We quit focusing on our relationship. It was so gradual that I barely noticed it was happening. He also had told me he no longer wanted to talk about work at home, that it stressed him out. The result was we were sharing very little with each other and I was lonely.

Funny thing about my AP. He's a lot like my BH. Same profession, very smart, similar sense of humor, the difference was AP wanted me. Noticed me. I'm like that guy who divorced Reese Witherspoon and then started dating a girl who looks just like her.

Not a ton has changed with my BH in the validation arena post A. He's nicer because I'm nicer. We're more connected because I'm trying and initiating. On the surface many of the same issues could exist. Yet I know I will not seek out another A. I know this because what I value is so clear to me now. I have put *validation* in the correct column of something I do not need to have. I get plenty of that from work anyway. What I need to have is this family and a good man I can trust and love. So BH is enough. He always was.

[This message edited by familyfirst at 1:39 PM, March 11th (Wednesday)]

Family first - you really nailed things that the A was about escapism. For those moments I was with AP, none of the mundaneness of life existed. But you're right, doing things because you feel like you should and because you want everyone to think you're perfect, blows up in the end. I like your new attitude.

The problem is as a WW, how do you justify not being perfect? I feel like I have to be even 10 times better than before - earn more money, spend more time with the kids, not have a cleaner, cook every meal from scratch, set up a profitable side business, not kill all the house plants, have more sex...it's the only way I can make amends, to show BH I'm worth it. Does anyone else have this feeling?

Oh yes and about sex - I realised that going without sex is also very bad for a woman. We always think men are the ones who can't live without it, but everyone needs it to some extent! Everything seems ten times worse and more irritating without sex. FOO issues meant i denied myself sex with BH because....I don't really know why because I didn't deny myself with another man

Familyfirst - we also had a very long dry spell before my A as well as my MiL staying for a long time (which caused a whole heap of other problems as well.)

The problem is as a WW, how do you justify not being perfect? I feel like I have to be even 10 times better than before - earn more money, spend more time with the kids, not have a cleaner, cook every meal from scratch, set up a profitable side business, not kill all the house plants, have more sex...it's the only way I can make amends, to show BH I'm worth it. Does anyone else have this feeling?

I think you've hit on something very important here, Lostcat... I've caught myself doing this. And it's fucking exhausting.

Why did we need our AP to validate us? Why wasn't our BH enough?

Ironically, XH was constantly calling me a whore, despite the fact he had no idea of my RA.

To answer the second, part of the motivation was that I desperately wanted BH's validation, but he was giving 100% to OW. He would have been enough, but he just wanted me gone so he could skip around unicorn town with OW.

First question. It was a distraction from the immense pain. Fucking OM made it easy to not think about XH, OW, A. Pure escape. Validation that this incredibly pretty (on the outside) man (barely), 15 years my junior was chasing me around. XH's A shredded me, I felt completely worthless. OM was gracing me w/his dick

somehow

made me feel like I had some worth. Obviously not thinking clearly in any way at the time. Sex. XH & I stopped having sex after DD, and it was 7 months of no sex. I wanted to have sex & OM was offering nothing but.

More important question why do/did we NEED anyone to validate us? Why couldnt we see the self worth without anyone else teling us it was there?

[This message edited by Unagie at 2:58 PM, March 11th (Wednesday)]