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I have been called a whore or a slut every single day since DDay...everyday. This happens in front of our kids, in front of friends. This is most from my H of course, but not only. Others have said very mean hurtful things. There are friends we had that I am not allowed to even be around anymore, they do not allow me on or near their property.

Every time I hear it or see it in text it rips my heart out. I hear it in my head when I'm by myself, I can almost see it written on my forehead when I look in the mirror. I don't know what to do to make that go away.

Allmyfault1 I bumped this with you in mind. I am glad you posted.

I never experienced the slut/whore shaming from my BH, though other names were thrown out there. So, I don't know what to say to ease this pain and shame from these names you must be feeling.

What I can offer is that you and only you have the power to dismiss this as true. And you can accomplish this partially by understanding it is said out of pure pain. The women here in this thread speak often about it, and so do some reading here.

Also, I had to practice challenging my negative thoughts. I've always had that tendency, but it surged in the days following my dday. It was a habit, and so I did this without really a thought. I had to be conscious of my thoughts, and when something unproductive or unhealthy came up, I had to say no, I had to speak a new truth.

I want you to know that without a doubt you have every right to place boundaries. Your A isn't a licence for your BH to run a muck. You have every right to protect your kids and to request him to stop. It's not necessary for them to witness this.

I wish you peace!

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 12:18 PM, June 9th (Friday)]

Thanks Forever, Reading this (and I am still working on reading all the posts) is enlightening to say the least.

GreenEyedDisastr story hits home in several ways. Several others do to - but hers specifically. Several of the things I have gone through, and am going through now, sound very similar.

as far as boundaries go - I think this is a place where I have problems. Everyone has always told me I left people walk on me too much - no backbone I guess. I never learned how to stand up for myself and now I guess I am afraid.

Anyway, Thank you again for moving this up so I would see it. I will keep reading.

Allmyfault1

I am sure your BH is in pain. Please remember though, YOU do NOT deserve to be shamed. You do not deserve to be called a whore or slut in front of your children. You are allowed to set boundaries for your BH. While you may not feel this a right of yours due to your guilt, I have to tell you it most certainly is. Your children do not need to hear that or witness it The A is not a ticket to shame and belittle you. Set boundaries and follow them, especially when it comes to the kids.

Should you be empathic? Most certainly. Should you be remorseful? Yes. Should you be a transparent and safe partner? Of course. Truthfulness & Honesty? Yes and that also means being honest with your feelings. You are allowed to feel hurt & shamed by his actions, especially shaming ones..Do not punish yourself, but better yourself to help heal.

Both in IC & MC, both therapists said they feel I don't think I have the right to voice my feelings or pain. Even when my BH did terrible, hurtful things, I would take it because I felt I deserved it for having an A. It was my punishment. I am still a human with thoughts and feelings. I do not deserve to be shamed in front of my kids or publically. I do not deserve to be treated like a whore and I won't allow it anymore. I remind myself where my BH's pain is coming from but I stand up for myself more when he is not showing in an appropriate manner. It is still a daily struggle to not let my guilt overtake me. Just like you, I let people walk all over me. I have poor boundaries in relationships, and part of my work is fixing that.

I am sending hugs and support your way. If I can help, please let me know. Just know you have a great day of support here, especially women. They were and continue to be a blessing for me.

GreenEyedDisastr - Thank you. I have a question ofr you, since it seems like your H and mine may have share some similar actions. How do you step up and say "This is not right?" I mean, with everything I did, and said I did (even if I didn't) I don't feel that I have the right to request anything. I don't feel like I have any place to say what he can and cannot say or do at this point.

My kids have heard this so much for the last 10 months that I don't even know what to do with them anymore. I wanted just a few minutes to myself a couple of weeks back. The H was gone fishing, and the kids were in the other room, so I went to my bedroom to just be alone for a few minutes. My daughter kept coming in and knocking and just wouldn't stop. I finally told her to please go play and I would be out in a few minutes to sit with her. She walked out of the room, shut my door and I heard her say to her older sister that apparently I just wanted to be alone so I could call my boyfriend since Dad was gone. I just got up and opened the door and let her in. I couldn't think of what else to do.

But I am rambling - I feel just like you said. I deserve everything he throws because I did this to us. Its my fault. How do you stand up and say I know your mad but I am not going to allow you to treat me this way? I am terrified of that. I don't know how he would react.

Allmyfault1

I just read some of your story. Has it been 10 months since Dday?

My heart aches for you. I understand your guilt and I understand your confusion. Your A will never justify shaming or abuse. You do not deserve to be shamed, you do not deserved to be physically abused in any way, shape or form. Your children should not hear or see that.

If you did not have the A, would you tolerate this behavior? If the answer is no, it should still be no.

Before IC, I would have done nothing (as long as my kids were not involved). I hate confrontation. I would rather endure than deal with it, which is not coping, It is avoiding the situation. I had to realize the patterns in my life, marriage, and behaviors. I had to see how I was enabling my BH to act out in appropriately over the years (and how he was enabling mine).

I forgot I had a voice after the A. I was silent for 4 months. I took it all... the shaming, the sexual abuse, and being scared in my own home. Things I would not have tolerated before because I felt it was my punishment for the horrible thing I did. I felt myself going down the rabbit hole and didn't know if I would get out.

My IC helped me. My therapist reassured me that my voice mattered, and I just recently started to believe it. We had a plan that I would bring up in MC. We discussed it for 2 months before I was brave enough to approach it. I was journaling my feelings after events with my BH occurred. I let him read it if he wanted, but most of the time he didn't

In MC with my BH, I told him if he started to shame/belittle me in front of our kids, I would leave with them for a period time. I told him if I felt my safety or my kids safety were threatened, I would leave for a period of time. I would not compromise myself anymore. I wanted us to be together but I wanted us both to be better individually and together.

I said all these things the end of April/beginning of May, but it wasn't until recently I followed through. I reached rock bottom last month. He was calling me all the names under the Tuscan sun in our yard, in front of our kids, with our neighbors around. He put his hands on me when I tried to walk away to remove myself from the situation. I was not going to let my kids witness that and think it was ok. I screamed to my kids to get in the car, and they did without hesitation. We stayed away that night at my brothers. I went home the next morning to speak to my BH without the kids. He was broken and crying. We both grew up in households with abuse and he realized he was just like his father in that moment. We have not had a moment anywhere close to like that again. He knew I was serious and I would leave if I felt unsafe.

A brief history, My BH was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder by a psychiatrist. He had extreme outbursts, suicide attempts, and was practicing self harm. My BH also goes to IC every week, as well as MC with me. He was put on medication a couple months ago, and his moods are stabilizing. He still feels pain, hurt, and anger but he is showing it more appropriately. I believe part of it medication, part of it is time, but a big part was when I stood up for myself.

Are you in IC? Is your BH? You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. Your BH needs help too. Does he have a history of abuse (verbal/physical)? Is he depressed? Does he abuse alcohol or drugs? Maybe IC will help him learn how to cope better. What he is doing is not ok or acceptable, no matter how much he is hurting. You have feelings that are valid. You should feel safe in your own home with your BH and kids. You deserve love and to be respected. Punishing yourself with your guilt will not help you heal.

Sorry this is very long but I am here and so is everyone else on SI. You are stronger than you realize. You are not alone.

DDay was at the end of August 20116, so yes about 10 months.

Even before my affair I would say there was some mental/emotional abuse. At least I think there was. When I tried to talk to him about it, he says that I am crazy and that he treated me like a queen and other people seem to agree with him. The only conclusion I can come it that I must have been reading this all wrong and being overly sensitive. There is a lot there, but I don’t know that I am comfortable writing it for the world to read just yet. But in short, I would have taken this before.

I believe I would tolerate anything, before or after my A, to try a please him. To atone for my lies, and the mistakes I have made. Like you say, I hate confrontation. I want to be the peacemaker. I feel that I can take anything and just put it in a box and forget about it. If I don’t say it out loud, and I don’t think about it, it goes away. I don’t have to make someone upset with me, or hurt their feelings. I would rather hurt than make them hurt. I might not be what anyone considers strong in any way, but I can take that at least.

No one is in any type of counseling right now. I quit my job after Dday (Feb of this year) because it required travel every month or two and that was an issue. Also someone I lied about making a pass at me was a co-worker. To take away any thought that was real or that that I doing something inappropriate I left. That means I lost all of our insurance and income. It was really rough until I got a new job in April. Things are still behind finance wise. I can’t afford insurance at the new job so no IC or MC – it just can’t be budgeted for right now. My H is supposed to be on 3 meds for health issues that I know effect his mood but they are about 500/month each. Without insurance, he can’t get them. I think that might be part of our problems also.

BH has no history of mental illness, never done drugs and only drinks a few times a year, and then never to get drunk. In all of the years we have been together I have only seen him drunk three times. Once was during the DDay fallout.

You are very brave for saying that to your H, and actually doing it. I don’t feel that I could ever say that. If I said it, and even more so it I followed through with it, I doubt he would ever allow me back in our home. Or when I got back, he would be gone. I don’t think I am willing to take that risk. I honestly think he would tell me that if I wanted to go to just go and not come back. I would never be able to do that.

“You deserve love and to be respected”

Everyone keeps saying this.

Bump

I am bumping this post to the top since I think there are a lot of WW's that could use help getting through their feelings.

I am a WW, my Day was about 3 weeks ago. I'm in IC and my husband is still around because I'm pregnant and I have two young kids. I love my husband and I was being selfish and was not thinking of the consequences when the affair occurred. My affair only was a week but we I gave into him...I told my husband the truth because I couldn't deal with the guilt. I still cry nightly by his bedside while he sleeps, he does not know what he wants to do and I really don't know how to act around him and he won't tell me. I am living in my own hell right now....one day I hope it gets better.

Me (37)

BH (36)

Married 5 years Together 9

2 girls one on way

Bump - how are you WW's doing going into the holidays? It is a stressful time of year for us. We are going to travel to see my family and husband feels judged by them. We are 1 yr 9 mos out and things have gotten much better but he still struggles with anger and I am still working on my codependency.

Hi Ladies:

I’m here looking for support from ladies further out than myself. How did your BS heal, There are a lot of religious posts, buthas others truly reconcile.We are going to MC but BS feels like it does not help him. I think he is staying for the kids...maybe that will turn everything around eventually.

Now that BS is putting individual effort in with IC he is doing much better. But he still hesitates to say "I love you" even though he shows it though caring actions. It is still hard. I would say his IC and yours are more important than couples therapy for quite a while.

Whore comes out a lot from my H mouth. It used to sting now I just say "yes, I was a whore, just as you were when I was pregnant."

I tell him whores aren't only female. That my AP was a whore too. He was just as vile and disgusting as me.

But whore bugs me bc whore denotes this sex addicted slutty woman to me. When my A was more about attention concern and companionship. Yes we had sex. And I believe 1000 percent sex was my AP main reason but it wasn't mine.

I felt connected. And that doesn't make me a whore that makes me damaged and searching for what I need in all the wrong places.

Hi. My husband called me a whore a number of times after DDay. I think it was mostly during his shock phase, and it went on only for a short time. It hurt. A lot. But to be honest I never really had a problem with it. Cause I’ve actually called myself a whore too. In my head, in my heart and in front of my husband. I agreed with him. And I felt like I deserved the title. I sold sex and intimacy in exchange for validation and compliments. So, whore. Just with a different currency.

I am three years out from D day so maybe my experience will help some. I would say me being honest, consistent and doing a lot of work on myself since A has helped my H gradually heal. The first year was pretty awful for both of us for different reasons. I set off a nuclear bomb in his heart, had no idea of the devastation I caused right away but quickly saw all that I had destroyed. The first year you generally need to learn to take care of your own needs ( no expecting ego kibbles, etc, etc), while also taking care of his needs. He will need lots of reassurance, transparency, honesty and any change that you need to go through to get away from any type of deception in your life including even little white lies. I now see how pervasive and normalized lying is in our culture and it literally makes me ill. Some times he will seem to need you and want you but more often your H will be suffering and perhaps lashing out with name calling. Mine mostly screamed that I was a liar. Once we had moved forward a tiny bit, when he called me a name I would often reply I can see why you are calling me that but I am done behaving that way. I am sorry you are hurting and I am working on changing and the name calling doesn’t help with that. I am sure it sometimes made him feel a bit better but of coarse the name calling sent me into a shame spiral and then I wouldn’t be much good to anyone until I pulled myself out-but those were also the times that helped me get stronger and change.

Much of the first year was living moment to moment, telling myself I was okay and I could move forward, I had to be better to be able to TRULY R and help H heal.

I went to counseling weekly for about a year. That counselor was my main support person as very few people knew. She deserved to be paid ten times what she got simply BC she was my lifeline. So I think counseling is very important to do, to have an objective person to both help you and support you. I know not everyone can afford it but if you can go-I wish it was free for everyone. We also did MC and he did IC for six more months but they both pissed him off so he quit. I think that was mostly ok BC he needed to start to working through things on his own. And your H will need to do that and you need to let him do it and let go of the outcome BC I don’t think you can truly reconcile if those things don’t happen.

Year two was less intense overall and I would start to relax a little and then he would spiral down and in someways it was almost as bad BC things felt better for awhile and then all my efforts and all hope seemed lost. During those times, I remained consistent, loving, supportive and by then was learning to give space and deal with my own neediness much better while supporting him.

Year three has had some ups and downs but less intense. However, we did go through a period of him being really down and I really gave him space and he sort of expected me to pull him out of it while also saying, nothing you do helps. I said I have done everything you have asked me to do. If there is something else you want me to do, I will. There wasn’t. He told me he could tell I was really trying and had changed. As I had told him at least six or seven times before, I said I love you and I want this to work but if there is nothing more I can do to help then what do you think would help? That conversation happened a couple of times in a few weeks and the most recent one I actually said, I have to be honest, I am starting to lose my resolve a tiny bit to work things out. (I know some BS here may not like that BC the wayward is supposed to have unwavering resolve but part of me changing is being honest and I was very kind and gentle about it and the quick background is that we have been under a lot of stress for 3 years with the A and marital stuff, but I had been dealing with him being in a deep depression for 5 years-me obviously making it worse. And the truth was that I really was starting to think being apart would be best for everyone). He immediately suggested we resume MC with a new counselor. He then said he needed to do more for himself and he has finally started to and it seems to be helping. We are in MC and he is processing a lot there. I am mostly listening and being supportive when I can be or work through our stuff.

He also said in counseling that he hasn’t forgiven me YET- looking on the bright side :). As for forgiveness, I feel at this point I only want to be forgiven BC I think it will make him feel better. I have to do the work for my own integrity either way, forgiven or not, married or not. So my two cents on forgiveness is don’t spend your time waiting for your partner to forgive. Spend your time doing the work and changing what you can control.

Of course I have some really bad low moments and times where I feel like falling back to my selfish ways and I look for the trigger and make a healthy choice instead.

So some of my observations three years in (or out?): if forgiveness happens early it seems to be related to rugsweeping.

If you are wondering what you can get out of a situation you are in, you are still functioning as a wayward.

Remember that you and H both need to heal regardless of the relationship status. If you are really sorry and you divorce, you still have responsibility to help H heal as the perpetrator to that hurt.

Read on SI a lot. Posting helps but many of our stories are sadly similar. Look for the posts that help you become your best person. Read a lot of relationship and self help books. Learn to just be without needing entertainment or attention.

Do self compassion meditations. Do relaxation breathing. Exercise.

You are not the worst thing you ever did. Making better choices can help you and your H heal.

Story in profile.

[This message edited by Sadlady14 at 2:12 AM, January 21st (Sunday)]

Bump

Yes! thank you SI super heroes

This thread was previously locked and I asked for it to be revived. I found a lot of help here and many sought help here.

I'm hoping it will once again become useful

I just seen this thread. What is it about? Is open to talk about anything? Or do we have to stick to a certain topic?

It's completely open to any topic or anything we find ourselves struggling with that only WWs would understand.

I've been thinking about this thread and not too long ago wanted to use it for support just to talk about some self esteem issues I was struggling with at the time.

Just read through it you'll see