SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

it appears that way for sure. By no means would I say that I am a "healthy" person yet, my work is far from done, but the work I have accomplished, I can see clearer, I can recognize things I couldn't or wouldn't before.

I've been talking with Done lately and she brought something to my attention, a little ah-ha moment if you will. I am trying to untangle this web of codependency, well she brought up compassion and how I should look at my H as someone who is as broken as I am and have compassion for that man. I mentioned something like, I have always known he was a broken man and I wanted to help him. I mistook codependency here for compassion, what I thought was me being compassionate towards a man was my codependency flaring up badly, I saw good things in him and all that bad stuff I thought I could love and nurture the shit out of him and well, all better.

I think really up until very recently that I am only starting to accept that no amount of love or "compassion" is going to fix him. And acceptance doesn't always come easy.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 1:26 PM, December 1st (Thursday)]

Hi Ladies, I have lurked and enjoyed this thread, wanted to bump it and say hi to see how you are all doing. Currently I am reading the Gifts of Imperfection and just finished Fatherless Daughters. Good things to help me continue my self-work and get some meaning behind what I did and how to grow.

Meh. Good days and bad. I feel quite certain most days that I'm not strong enough to keep going, but I know I can't go back. I'm currently reading Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine. I have an assertiveness workbook up next.

Great book! I own that one. I am meh right now too. Our anniversary is tomorrow and H doesn't want to celebrate it.

OMG this thread is amazing. I hear that word "whore" & "slut" in my mind constantly. The other day my BH, myself and our lo went fishing and on the way back home, he brought up a convo he had with a friend of his. They were talking about his friends wife whom when they had met was working at a strip club. And my husband was like, what do you think she was doing? Being a nun? She worked at a strip club. And to that his friend retorted, what you think my wife will cheat on me just because it happened to you? And that was a punch in the gut for. First I wanted to punch that prick in the throat for saying it and for being such a POS but then I thought of how it must have made my husband feel having been told that. So it sorta brought back the shame of what I did and made me feel like a whore all over again. This is a constant battle to be worked on.

One thing I finally realized about Shame is that I shouldn't be focused exclusively on my Shame. I Shamed my husband with my behaviour, just like when words are flung from parents to kids, from coaches to athletes, from drill sergeants to recruits, from teenagers to teenagers, except Actions speak so much louder than Words. I never looked my Husband in the eye and told him he was a bad husband or a worthless man, but I didn't have to tell him because I acted that way.

The last few weeks have been tough as I'm processing the worst of the abuse from my former marriage.

Today I woke up feeling so regretful for how I treated my first husband. I was sixteen and he was twenty three when we got married. He was KISA. I knew he felt like that, maybe not then, but in retrospect. I cheated on him but I seriously don't know if he knew. I can't remember. That was a long time ago.

When I was eighteen he told me to get the hell out so I did, because that's what children do when you tell them to get out. Years later we talked and I told him I didn't really want to leave and he admitted that he didn't really want me to leave (go figure!). He was super wounded by the fact that I left and stayed really angry for a long time.

We co-parented well and we share a great kid. I would never contact him regardless but he's married and so was I. I do get overwhelming shame sometimes for how I handled that situation. Yes, I was a child, but still.

Anyway just putting my remorse out there for the universe. Thanks for listening.

WW here. Hard working, but struggling and thought I would reach out to see if any other WW is struggling with sex.

As I'm working and growing as a person I feel so sad about the way I used my body to get the attention that I thought I needed. I had no self-respect or self-love. I'm slowly getting better. Throughout R, some things have happened with BH that leave me feeling vulnerable, untrusting, scared. I've found myself crying during and after sex. I flinch and feel angry when he touches me unexpectedly in a sexual way. I'm trying to work through this, really, I am. However, I feel like I need a break. It doesn't feel authentic or honest to have sex right now. This is huge for me. BH doesn't agree. Understandably he feels rejected and punished. I've tried to explain that I need time to heal and grow. He has withdrawn all affection and barely speaks or looks at me. He said something to the effect of he's done trying to make this work.

Anyone else? I just know that I used my body for so long and it isn't right or healthy. Sex really didn't mean anything. Now I know that sex is part of a healthy relationship, but it won't fix me or him. *sigh* This is so fucking hard.

donewiththatlife

I am going through the same thing. My BH wants sex, but he wants a specific kind... he wants me to initiate and worship him & his..um.. stick (quoting him there). He wants to feel desired and wanted. He told me he wants me to act like a the slut that I am/was. I am having difficulty with sex in general, let alone this kind. I was never one to imitate often before. It is difficult now. I cry after sex. I feel shame and guilt. I don't feel desirable or in the mood at all. I feel focusing on other kinds of intimacy is important right now. He disagrees.

The day after DDAY, he wanted me to look in the mirror naked and asked me how I could even look at someone like that. I didn't want sex after that but I felt I deserved to give it to him. It was extremely rough, angry sex. I cried the whole time. I was bleeding after. I haven't let go of this. He said it was therapeutic but did apologize.

BH asks for the worshipping kind of sex and if a day or more has passed and I do not give it to him, he gets enraged and starts belittling me and screaming at me. I do not want it, and I have a hard time giving it, especially if I am feeling shamed and bad about myself. He started yelling at me in front of the kids last week. I did what he wanted. He could tell I was not into it, but it did make him stop yelling and calm down. He was a completely different person after. I sobbed for an hour after.

I want to want sex. I do desire him but I am having issues with myself. Then I grow resentful when I feel I am being guilted/forced into it because I had an affair and could give myself to someone else.

I am so torn and confused.

No, you are having my issue x10. Not acceptable in any realm of "BH feeling his pain". No, no, no.

I heard slut and whore a lot as well. And yes, I heard the anger in his voice and felt shame each time I heard it. About a year after Dday, I asked him to stop using those words. It was too much for me. Thankfully, he has stopped.

Do men understand what those words do to a woman? Can men understand? Just wondering.

I do feel shame over cheating on my husband. And will continue to feel it for a long time. But it's almost a different kind of shame.

Green I am so so sorry. I wish I had some kind of advice for you, all I know is that what he's doing and expecting out of you, is wrong on every level. I know you know that.

And I think we all know that our BSs need to feel wanted and desired on a certain level and deserve that. But this isn't quite like that. This is majorly sadistic and unhealthy in every way.

What is the worst that you honestly think would happen if you said no? other than the yelling? would you be in immediate physical danger? If so you should consider removing yourself from the situation. This is NOT the way to R.

If not, then, well idk.. let him yell and cry and cuss and whatever ways he throws a fit. I'm not saying it's easy but you can choose to ignore the impact "whore" and "slut" have on you. You can stand up to him in this area. It's important that we build up our boundaries and that means in every part of our lives. We also need to build up our self esteem and worth. That is not going to happen if this continues.

I also think it's normal for us to take a step back and think "holy fuck balls I just let myself be used for sex, my body was a personal play thing, how could I not value myself more than that?!" and it's going to make us view sex differently even with our spouses, as unfair as it is to them. The shame we can feel over that, can make us lose our interest completely. OR like you mentioned, desire a different level of intimacy one where we don't feel so used anymore. An intimacy though that perhaps our BHs aren't ready to go there.

Early on when my H went through the hysterical bonding phase, the sex hmm.. it was primal, and rough, and I did feel a little used. I went with it though. But for a long time, I confused intimacy and sex as one and the same. I confused sex with a lot of things to be honest. I thought the HB would bring us closer. Maybe it did..idk.

But GreenEyedDisastr what is happening in your situation is not normal or the expected. Please help yourself here!

Anyone dealing with your BH hating your family? He has resentment towards my sister because I confided in her about EAs when they were happening. He resents my mother because she was helping look into lawyers where DDay happened and she wanted me to protect myself. But they have been supportive of my recovery and we are now almost 2 years out. He is working through his anger toward me and dealing with that a bit better but still wants nothing to do with my family.

waitingwife, my dad pushed for me to lawyer up when D was looking real. He wanted me to be protected like any parent would. My H got pissy over that, perhaps some lingering resentment. I know their relationship isn't nearly as close as it was. I try not to feel guilty, I really have no reason to. This is still fresh and maybe with time THEY will work it out like bros do

But, I will say as far as your sister knowing and keeping silent. Well, we call that not being friends of the marriage around here. I had to drop my best friend of over 10 years after dday. I confided in her about my A THE day I was caught! That was hard. A sister would be even harder, but if you're committed to the M, putting your BH above any friend or family member is the only way to go. Support him in any way he needs in this area.

What does he ask of you with this issue?

foreverlabeled he doesn't really ask anything of me in that regard. He hates traveling to see my family for Christmas so last year we stayed home with our son rather than go see my family, as we usually do. It was a pretty quiet holiday since we have no relatives living around us. I have broken up with two friends who were encouraging or not discouraging of my behaviors, but he didn't really ask me to do that, I did it on my own. I know it was the right decision. As for my sister, I didn't share with her many details, and I also painted everything as "just flirting". She didn't encourage it, she just sort of stayed out of it. But she also didn't understand how deep I was in emotionally because I wouldn't admit it to her or myself.

My mother will be in town for a month coming up (staying at her own place) and so I figure things will be strained. I really wish he could rebuild his relationship with her. She is my best friend, we speak on the phone just about daily. My sister is moving to Colorado soon, so we won't be seeing her very often.

I guess I just need to accept that we should be spending our holidays alone from now on? I dearly miss seeing my extended family around Christmas, they all live near my mother. And I miss the opportunity for my son to see his cousins.

I'm brand new to this and will take all of the support I can get. Husband called me a slut and a c*** out of anger. It's still ringing in my ears.

[This message edited by Alisa at 9:30 AM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

Anyone have any strategies for dealing with the times your BH is triggered and withdraws? Basically every two weeks or so he has a week or two where he distances himself, he triggers and doesn't want to talk about it. I try to draw him out and be supportive but he gets angry. I ask if he wants alone time (since he is acting like he wants nothing to do with me, no goodbye kisses before work, sitting next to me on the couch in the evening refusing to engage, watching TV, pretending things are normal in front of our son). He will suggest that I go out if I want to but doesn't admit he wants to be alone. He gets inquisitive about where I am going for lunch, what I am doing, what am I doing on the computer. Eventually he will get over it for a little while and the process starts all over again.

My coping tactic is to call out any passive aggressive behavior, but remain supportive and listen if he wants to talk. Try to draw him out but then give up. Do things that make me happy on my own, working out, eating healthy, seeing friends. Plan activities for the family that he can be involved in if he wants. It's so draining and horrible for me, as a co-dependent in recovery. I try not to take it personally but it feels so punishing. Eventually he remembers that he loves me and acts warmly again, or will admit some trigger happened like seeing OM's wife, or he's suddenly interested in sex again despite giving me the cold shoulder for a week. It feels each time he returns to me that it's getting better but I often wonder if I am deluding myself.

When I try to talk to him he sometimes yells and says "What are you supposed to say to make it ok that you cheated on me for years!" I get it but I don't know how to help other than try to connect, continue to admit my wrongdoings, continue to do the right things. He won't go back to IC but we have MC about once a month.

waitingwife, I can't say for certain that you will always have to spend the holidays alone with your little family, but maybe for the time being, if that is what your BH needs, to lessen the triggers, to find some kind of normal, to heal.. then for the time being, it is what I would gladly do for my H. Because, as my husband, as my betrayed husband, someone.. THE one I hurt so terribly needed. People talk about fair all the time, nothing is ever fair, life isn't fair, on and on. Well what we did to them isn't fair, and perhaps our consequences aren't so extremely fair, but we do what is necessary in the wake of our infidelity.

I don't think that means, you can't have the thriving relationship that you've always had with your mom, it just means HE wants nothing to do with it. So it's strained at the moment..he has his valid reasons, even if they don't seem so to you. that's okay, ya know? Time heals so many things. And he just needs more time. That's okay too. Infidelity causes many messes, stains that will never be wiped cleaned, stains that just take some elbow grease. I think maybe with some time, he will see what your mom was trying to do, when he's not hurting so much, does some more healing, KWIM? I can only offer you some comfort here, some hope.. but I don't think it's too far fetched.

As far as the triggers and withdrawing, just have compassion for his pain. For the awful things we can't imagine running through their minds. I had a trigger just the other day, being a mad hatter and all, and all I can say is...I acted like a mad woman!! I don't give to my BS side often, I feel I must suppress it, suck it up, or something IDK, so when I do feel the pain, damn.. it's hard to pull out. When all I wanted was a little empathy, compassion, understanding, reassurance, and I got nothing but anger, I blew the fuck up. Not much you can do but be there for him in whatever way he needs, and if you don't know what he needs, if he doesn't know what he needs or want, COMPASSION.

Alisa, I never got the slut, whore, bitch, or c*** thrown at me, gawd only knows why.. But you do have the power within you to reject the impact it has on you. Yes we can admit to acting in such a way, but we don't have to own it as this is who we are. I think that little difference can mean all the world to our worth and self esteem. I also think, that we should be forgiving especially so early on (year or so) to the immense pain and insecurity that we have thrown them into, to let certain things slide, for now..I'm not saying it's okay, words mean a great deal to me (love language..affirmations) but neither is cheating..ya know? So while they are working through their pain, we should understand that most everyone says things in anger and pain that sometimes they wish they could take back. Even if they say it time and time again, this pain cannot be shut off. it is on going never ending. And totally raw for at least the first year if not more. I think it matters that he apologizes, if he were not to, and kept at it, it shows something more than the in the moment pain he was feeling..

I don't condone verbal abuse, I do think there is a difference between the pain from infidelity that cause some to let the pain get the better of them, and those that are just sadistic in their ways. And again, I think the apology matters and shows the difference.

ETA: okay so I don't know where I got the apology biz mixed up, but I still stand by it..

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 5:08 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

foreverlabeled thanks for your thoughtful response and listening. It's nice to have people to listen as we go through these tough times! It's so hard to think outside ourselves to know what our BS is feeling when they don't share it or we are defensive protecting our egos (speaking for myself!). But sometimes I just need someone to say 'Yeah, I hear you, I know what you mean.'

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