SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This thread is for WWs only, and female madhatters posting from the wayward perspective only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:23 PM, March 10th (Tuesday)]

I'd love one.

Me too!

I'd like this too.

I think there's one issue I'd like to look at in particular. It relates to shame, being a woman and being wayward. I've struggled so much with internal slut-shaming - external too I guess. Not just shaming, but slut-shaming. And maybe it's the same for men, but I'm not sure.

The day I confessed I heard it. And if I'm sitting silent, it's the word that I hear in my head over and over again. Whore.

[This message edited by Regret44 at 1:46 PM, March 9th (Monday)]

Totally, Regret! That would be a great topic for discussion. For my part, I came from one of those homes where sex was bad, until you got married. There was no conversation about it other than mechanics and 'don't do it'. Even miniskirts and cleavage were discouraged. Of course, like for all of us, there is so much more to my FOO and the lessons I learned.

Do we have to get a WW-only thread signed off on by the mods? Does it go here or in I Can Relate?

Regret, I'm tormented by that word as well.

You can go ahead and use this thread. I changed the title to indicate what the thread is .

Yep. I was told I was being a whore. We recently had this conversation because BH's friend is cheating and we've revisited a couple of topics from early on (this news took us back to places we haven't been for awhile, it was an interesting conversation).

I remember it as being told I was a whore. H said he said I was acting like a whore. I clearly remember hearing 'you are a whore'.

That was very painful, and I agreed because I felt like one and I knew it was what my H needed to hear at the time.

It takes a lot to start loving yourself again after that.

I hope I can post here but not sure if I'm allowed...? I know we are kinda forbidden to post on Stop sign threads once the madhatter designation was assigned to us.

I'm in.

And if I'm sitting silent, it's the word that I hear in my head over and over again. Whore.

I heard this from OBS when she contacted me after she found out. BH called me it before (it's been a long time it's happened). It's hard not to look at myself as a whore. I did a whorish thing(s), right? We all did. But does that make us a whore? I don't want to think if myself as one. Maybe I was one. My sexual past, pre-A, was filled with me throwing myself at men to get love and attention. I was very promiscuous. I feel sick about it a lot. I need to get past this slut shaming of myself.

ETA: Good idea for this thread!

It takes a lot to start loving yourself again after that.

How long does this take? I still have trouble loving myself.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 3:27 PM, March 9th (Monday)]

Regret44,

The shame issue is something I still struggle with 5 years out.

There is a lot of shame attached to being a cheating wife. You're a slut, unappreciative of your man (or woman), etc.

I believe I am rightfully ashamed of my behavior, what I did was shameful. Fucking an OM in my husband's house was shameful. Lying to my husband about where I was going and what I was doing so I could fuck a man other than my husband was shameful. I was absolutely acting like the sluttiest of sluts during my affair.

But I no longer engage in those behaviors. That being said, I am still ashamed that I once did. I look back on my actions during my affair and I still literally cringe in shame. I'm not ashamed of the woman I am today...but absolutely I am ashamed of the woman I was 5 years ago.

It is hard to pull yourself up from called a whore or thought of in that way. It's said in anger, but it's a hard word to let go of once it's said to you...about you.

It's so hard to reconcile what I did from who I thought I was. I wanted sex. I sought it out. I took risks, avoided emotional entanglement. And anyone who hears that about me would assume I'm damaged in some way. But I don't feel damaged. And anyone who hears this about me would likely call me a whore. But I don't feel like I am one.

I think about this sometimes when I think about how threesomes (not in the context of infidelity, just threesomes) are viewed between sexes. (Never had one for the record.)

If there was a man and he had a threesome with 2 women, how would he be viewed? Stud? Lucky?

Now how would I view a woman who has a threesome with 2 men...

The shame we feel as women seems different. Not just related to infidelity, but with sex in general. So when you add the infidelity shame to the sex shame, it feels overwhelmingly...shameful.

Whore and slut... Yep.

Most recently it's been: you are a (insert curse) turnstile. Or the, for you sex is like a handshake.

Starting out with no self love or self esteem it is a daily struggle to build it in the face of those words being hurled at you.

I'm not sure I know what the function of shame is any more...

it's a hard word to let go of once it's said to you

Regret44, I don't mean to appear contradictory, but IMO statements such as this don't serve us well in recovery. Letting go of one word, or any other, technically requires the same amount of effort. It's like when people say, "It's so hard to say XYZ." Well, no, your mouth and vocal cords don't require significantly more effort to say XYZ than ABC. Assigning a heavier weight to certain words gives them more power over you than they deserve, I guess is my point.

Unless a person is actively, at this moment, taking money or intangible currency in exchange for sex, then no. She's not a whore. In fact, she never was, but at one time you were a person whose behaviors were whorish. (Apparently it's a word.)

Ultimately, we are not the names others call us. Nobody can make you feel like a whore or slut without your consent. (Apologies to Mrs. Roosevelt.)

I'll be back to this thread to seek input on the broader subject of namecalling, but I gotta bounce.

Unless a person is actively, at this moment, taking money or intangible currency in exchange for sex, then no. She's not a whore.

Actually, I've been told what I did was worse. I was free.

But I agree with you that I'm giving too much power to a word. I really am trying to separate the infidelity shame (which I'm not sure I will ever lose nor am I sure I want to lose) from the shame I feel for the sex itself.

I was free too. Free and willing. I wasn't having sex for any other reason than I wanted to. No "currency". I wanted him so I just did it.

It's been almost 6 years since d-day - it took me 4 to re-write that narrative in my head.

The shame we feel as women seems different. Not just related to infidelity, but with sex in general. So when you add the infidelity shame to the sex shame, it feels overwhelmingly...shameful.

It really is different for women. IMO, it's part of the entire double standard in society. Men don't get shamed on the same level as us, they just don't. We get shamed for being confident in our sexuality, we get shamed for even wanting sex, we get shamed for talking openly about sex - I mean heaven forbid we want to have sex other than for procreation So, when you add infidelity to the mix, it turns into a Category 5 shitstorm, and it happens fast.

I'm not sure I know what the function of shame is any more...

There is no benefit other than to support that negative narrative that is running through your head. It's essential to a pity party but it undermines progress.

I know this may sound contrived, but the simplest solution to that negative self-talk, particularly with regard to slut-shaming, is to take the power away from those words. INAB used to call me slut, whore, you name it - and for a long time, I believed him and owned those words. After intensive IC, I decided those words only have power over me if they are true and they were not true. I was NONE of those things, despite what I had done. I believe in ME, I KNOW down to my bones, who I am and I am NOT a whore, I am NOT a slut, I am NOT just a big ass and a smile with nothing to offer. Once I stopped buying what he was selling, the narrative in my head began to change.

Stop buying what they are selling. Stop giving those words power. Believe in the good in you, because it's there. If you were a shitty person, you wouldn't be here, opening yourself up to a bunch of people on the internet in an attempt to change for the better.

***posting as a member***

I was free too. Free and willing. I wasn't having sex for any other reason than I wanted to. No "currency". I wanted him so I just did it.

I would have to disagree. With maybe the exception of the ONS, I think every one of us exchanged sex for "currency". That currency wasn't money but it was validation. Do you feel you would have honestly given yourself if you weren't getting something so valuable in return?

So yes, in a sense I can see how the term is fitting. I don't think it makes me one by any means. I just acted like one. And that is a huge difference.

I am fortunate that I was never called a name directly. My BH has always said that I acted as such or was in the past. And I would, quite frankly, have to agree.

Which brings me to shame. I will always have a certain amount of shame attached to my A. And I think that's ok. It's not debilitating. It's that shame, the shame of hurting someone I love, the embarrassment of who I had become that stops me from ever behaving like that again. That shame is healthy. But if you let it control your life or define who you are, well that shame is unhealthy.

It's my belief, that the more you own your behaviors, the more you learn to accept them, the less debilitating that shame becomes.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 5:36 PM, March 9th (Monday)]

Very, very bluntly.

I never got over him from when we dated before. When I found that he still wanted a relationship I would've walked over hot coals for it. I would've left my H had I not been such a yellow coward.