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SpaceGhost0007 (original poster member #46539) posted at 9:54 PM on Sunday, February 22nd, 2015
I loved my wife very much before I found out about her affair. I thought we would grow old together. I certainly did not have a foot out the door although I thought she might after learning about her cheating.
Well I made it to Florida and today it is beautiful out. I read some replies and wow on a few of them.
I Didn't know I would be the bad guy because my wife screwed another guy and I wouldn't just let her? She knew it would end us but did it anyway. I Knew I would not be able to handle it and I know now I was right. I also know she will be fine without me. She asked me not to do anything stupid and I left.
I am in a lot of pain so I wanted to go away so I could limit our contact. I care about her still but told her I need a divorce to help me heal. She is in our house and it is on the market.
This turned out different than I expected. I thought she would blame me but she did not. Her therapist said it may have to do with children out of the home and her feeling older and opportunity but she is working on it.
I did not leave to sleep with other women I left to heal my broken heart. I couldn't do that being close to her so I left. More later...
5454real ( member #37455) posted at 9:57 PM on Sunday, February 22nd, 2015
Strength brother.
Your gonna be ok. I for one commend you on your actions. I think you're doing it right!
BH 58, WW 49
DS 31(Mine),SD 29,SS 28(Hers),DS 16 Ours, DGS 11, DGD 8, DGS 3
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
"I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone."
― Sophocle
annb ( member #22386) posted at 10:02 PM on Sunday, February 22nd, 2015
You are doing the right thing for you, and that's all that matters.
I pray you find some peace in your forward journey, understand that it will take a long time to get over the heartbreak. I wholeheartedly suggest you find yourself a GOOD therapist, one who is highly qualified and experienced with infidelity. There is also an infidelity support group called BAN, chapters all over the country, check them out and see if there is one in your area.
Godspeed.
earthangel ( member #44357) posted at 10:20 PM on Sunday, February 22nd, 2015
I wish you healing and happiness, both of which need time and distance, both physical and emotional.
Enjoy that Florida sunshine and your golf and do what YOU need, for YOU....
Take Care.
Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it’s bad - it's experience.
toomanyregrets ( member #37740) posted at 10:20 PM on Sunday, February 22nd, 2015
You've done the right thing for you. That's all that matters.
I hope that you can find the happiness that you need.
BH - 66 - Retired
fWW - 62
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Bla
GTI55 ( new member #43808) posted at 10:26 PM on Sunday, February 22nd, 2015
BS ONLY
[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:35 PM, March 5th (Thursday)]
Cche ( member #45068) posted at 10:59 PM on Sunday, February 22nd, 2015
GS, I think your latest post explains your feelings more clearly than any others.
I am sorry for your pain. The truth is, infidelity is so damaging and how we choose to work through it is a very personal decision.
I am glad to know you went to Florida to heal.
I know a lot of viewpoints can seem harsh, but they really do come from a place of positive intentions. Well, most of them.
Married 9 years
Together 11
Me 46 Him 45
Blended family w/ children ages 13-23. They have my heart.
DDay-January 8, 2014, 3 mo EA that turned into an additional 3 mo. PA. I hope to never experience that kind of pain again.
goingtothrive ( member #45486) posted at 11:07 PM on Sunday, February 22nd, 2015
Didn't know I would be the bad guy because my wife screwed another guy
Not from this girl! Like I have said before, I wish I had had your courage, calm and clear thinking before and after dday...Best wishes in Florida!
Just breathe.
Dday Dec. 2012
Divorced Dec. 14, 2014
M 17 years
1 DS 17
He married OW. Now she has the same last name as me and my son, and it makes me sick.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:22 AM on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
In my first post on your thread I said this:
In officer training people are trained to evaluate the situation, decide on a course and then implement. If – for example – a squad-leader comes upon a clearing he evaluates what’s ahead, listens to his scouts, evaluates known intel on enemy locations and then decides to cross the clearing. If he receives enemy fire mid-way he reevaluates and decides his next course of action. It might be to carry on, dig in or retreat.
It still applies…
All along your path you have gotten new information and have been able to reevaluate your actions. Having a plan is good. I also praised you in your commitment to your plan:
You decided on a course early on. I applaud you for that. Granted I don’t agree with some of your decisions but you are the person in the hot-seat. You evaluated, contemplated and committed. And then you saw it through. Good for you.
Look – to use my military decision comparison to it’s fullest:
The Charge of the Light Brigade – an event that still raises an image of glamor and bravery. But from a military viewpoint extremely useless. Like one of the witnesses said: It is magnificent, but it is not war. Now… had the officer used modern training he would have reevaluated and reacted. He would have had spikes to destroy the Russian guns, he would have regrouped and retreated in a more organized way. Wouldn’t have been as glorious and probably forgotten in history. But definitely more successful.
Then think Douglas McArthur. Not much glamor in fleeing the Philipines. But he returned a conqueror. That was constant evaluating and then readapting the plan to reach a goal.
This is why I also posted:
What I do want to emphasize is that you are totally free to reevaluate your situation based on current intel and the situation you are facing. I don’t believe in reconciling simply to save a marriage, but neither do I think divorce is the only way out of infidelity. IF after confrontation you have doubts on your course then feel perfectly entitled to reevaluate and readjust your course. To me it sounds as if you really think your options through and as long as you do that then you are on a good path out of infidelity.
I AM NOT SAYING YOU NEED TO RECONCILE.
But unlike those that have pretended to know you didn’t have that option then I am simply saying that YOU can decide to do whatever YOU want.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Tearsoflove ( member #8271) posted at 1:17 AM on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
YOU can decide to do whatever YOU want.
I agree. I stayed out of the thread because it didn't seem you needed advice. I respect your decision to divorce. For some people, an affair really is the ultimate deal breaker. I'd respect your decision if you chose to reconcile, too.
Many times, we BS allow the WS to make the decision. We either let them eat cake or we jump through hoops hoping they'll choose us when, all along, it really should be our decision whether we choose them after they've betrayed us. We have this tendency to hand our power over and then sit back and let the WS wield it.
I chose to reconcile. But it was my choice just as choosing to divorce is yours. It really doesn't matter what everyone else says you should do or whether we agree or disagree. Only you know what you can live with and you should never compromise that based on the agreement or disagreement of others.
So, since you don't really need advice, congratulations on making it to Florida. The weather kind of sucks right now but it won't last long. 
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson
nononsense ( member #45598) posted at 1:22 AM on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
I Didn't know I would be the bad guy because my wife screwed another guy and I wouldn't just let her? She knew it would end us but did it anyway. I Knew I would not be able to handle it and I know now I was right.
[/bold
YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY AND PLEASE DO NOT FEEL THAT WAY. Very few waywards are not sad and not making all kinds of promises. But also very few get told from the beginning of the marriage that there would be no recovery from infidelity. You DO NOT have to apologize for that.
You endured what most of us could not, namely knowing for over a month and sitting on it and sucking it up while you made your plan.
You asked for support. You really did not need a lot of advice, but got it anyway. You knew exactly what you were going to do on your first post.
if you have talked with her my guess is you got some of the answers you wanted.
Now is the time for the 180 and getting yourself situated, and to move on with your life.
I hope you get it out of your head that you are some kind of bad guy.
Best of luck Space Ghost.
BH - 50 (me)
WW- 48 (her)
M- 27 years
3 daughters- 26, 24, 21
DDay1 7/5/2014 (PA- 2 different OM)
DDay2 11/28/2014- setting up another meeting new OM
5/1/2015- Looks like we are making it.
8/3/2015- Reconciled but watchful
11/10/2015- We made it
tomuchdrama ( member #46759) posted at 1:37 AM on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
SpaceGhost0007
So is it warm in Florida? Cold here in Chicago.
Space, if you read my 2 posts you wood see that I am with you.
I to left after finding out my wife cheated. One cheats and it is over.
some say.... she made a mistake. It is not a mistake she made. She knew damn well what she was doing, and did again and again.
Try to R???? Why? so she can do it again? When someone steps of of the marriage, that is it.
There is no more respect in the marriage.
I never got WHY" answers. I did not want the WHY answers, it hurt enough finding out, why would I want to hear more crap to hurt me more.
It has been since 1999 and I have not talked to her or seen her since.
My life is better for this, her life I am told is miserable, and not longer my problem. 25years is a long time for someone to destroy ones life in a matter of seconds.
So i hope you kids come out of this well and you also. don't be a stranger, come here a vent and don't let other people break down your own respect for yourself. She threw hers away from you. she knew what would happen and she married you. Now she broke that trust and that for me, as it is for you the deal breaker, no matter how sorry she is. she knew it and now she has to live with her own decision of "FOOLING AROUND". 
sorry that it has happened to you to your kids and to her for messing up!!
Enjoy the golf and look into Kentucky for golfing also, they have really good places.
CR
PurpleBlueBella ( member #38579) posted at 4:07 AM on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
Enjoy Florida SG! Best of luck to you.
PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 5:04 AM on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
Sg. In my humble opinion people wish they had the balls to do what you have done. In my mind your I. Survivor mode. What you need to remember here is you lived your live with integrity. You expected your wife to as well an laid those boundaries out.
I also think people are trying to make themselves better because they fought for it. I say they do not walk in your shoes until they do they have no right to judge.
I seriously think you should move to the divicorce and separation forum. You may get better support from here on out there.
[This message edited by PricklePatch at 11:06 PM, February 22nd (Sunday)]
Tom67 ( member #42664) posted at 7:18 AM on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
Like I said earlier the way you approached this is pretty much the way any BS should do it through strength and is the best way to r if you wanted to.
But like you said you gave her many chances to come clean SHE FAILED!!!
Have fun golfing you bastage. 
All the best. 
Hoops ( member #22721) posted at 7:32 AM on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
SG0007,
Congratulations on sticking to your values and the rules you set for your marriage. I admire you for doing what you have done and if you go over to Divorce/NB or find people who have moved on from this website, you will find those of us who are more then just a couple of years beyond JFO admire you and wish we had done this from the start. I am 6+ years out, BTW. And, no I have not read all the responses, but I get the general idea of what has gone on.
I think just as much as the WS's are in the fog, so are we. We believe we can fix this, we believe so many things that a couple of years later we just kick ourselves for. Take a look at the tag lines of people who have been here for more then a few years and see how many have multiple DD's. Look at how many people had YEARS between discoveries. I truly believe part of this is the fact we give them another chance ...... they begged/pleaded/cried/promised, we let them have another chance and ...... surprise .... happens again. Because once you give in and let something slide, apparently many people (this includes us.... not on this topic tho!!) think we can do it again with the same results. Like a kid in the store .... wants candy, throws tantrum .... gets candy .... once ... what happens next time?? Yep ... they throw another tantrum. Even if you never give in again, the fact is, those trantrums will last a LONG time ... because they "got away with it" once. At what cost?? For myself, I wasted a lot of time I could have been healing and moving on. Again, visit the D/NB threads, ask people you know on their 2nd marriages how they feel, what they would do differently .... Ask people who have been out for a few years .... Clarity is an AMAZING thing!!!
You have a GREAT attitude that you get divorced now but maybe in a few years, after you have healed, and she has fixed herself (gives her time to PROVE through ACTIONS she has fixed herself .... perminently), you might get back together again. You are shutting the door, for now, but maybe in a few years ... then you will both have TRUE clarity of the situation and each other. Maybe you just were not right for one another (this has nothing to do with loving someone!!!!!!). Maybe you were not then, or maybe this is the time you need to get out to find someone else. I will say it again .... Clarity is AMAZING .... and it comes with time.
Congratulations on your move!!!! I am sure you will have a lot of tough times ahead. With time, they will get less frequent and further apart. You will heal, just not tomorrow. Healing is TOUGH!!!!!!! But..... look at all of the people who have survived and come out even better on the other side.
I think you are a great example by setting your boundries and sticking with them. If I had it to do over, I would walk out and NEVER look back (my ExH did not, and cannot change.. he has some true issues .. CLARITY helped me see that ... and that was time apart).
One thing I did that really helped me a lot (profoundly actually) ... I read a LOT of books on good marriages, good relationships, what men were looking for/what they need, what it meant to be a really good person myself, and finally how to read people to make better choices in those around me ... not just relationships, but friends also. Something to consider down the road as you are healing if it might be helpful. It did help me see that my "great relationship" ie, never fighting, was really not that great and that there were lots of things I too needed to work on.
Good Luck!!! I hope you keep posting and let us know how you are doing!!!!!! I totally admire what you have done.
BW (Me) 53
W(ex)H 55 .... SA, Alcoholic, compulsive liar
DD 12-03-08
Divorced: 9-14-10
Now: Happily married to a great guy who has the same birthday as my DD! Ironic. Now it is just my husband's birthday.
atreides ( member #44180) posted at 3:32 PM on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
Spaceghost, as you can see everyone has an opinion and despite whatever happens going forward, you are not the bad guy.
You came here and already knew what you wanted to do and sought the "whys" and perhaps other who have "been there."
One poster stated
Most wives in good marriages don't cheat
absolutely and utterly false. The reasons for cheating never have anything to do with you as the betrayed or the marriage. It is an internal problem, your wife sees that... good for her, most don't
You may never know the why and you will have to come to terms with that. It could take her years to figure that out herself.... BUT.. suffice it to say sometimes the answers are simple and we also need to take those as the "why." She wanted fun, she got hooked to the addiction of cheating and the fun was worth the risk. It can be that simple despite looking for a more complex reason. People do stupid things.
Enjoy golfing and mending your heart.
Cheers to a new beginning.
Decimated ( member #31656) posted at 4:00 PM on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
Flyio con dios SpaceGhost!
I wish I would have done exactly what you are doing. Instead, I wasted several years of my life. For me, the cheating wasn't the deal breaker that I thought it was...the continued lying lack of remorse was. If I would have followed your path, I may have saw the remorse I was seeking.
I respect your strength and decisiveness after being faced with this up-evil. I wish you nothing but the best.
Me -BH 47, now 56
Her-XWW 39, now, who cares
D Day #1 9/09 found out about texting
D day #2 1/11 found out EA on going
D day #3 4/11 found out EA was a PA
Divorced 1/13
numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 5:08 PM on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
SG-
You are going to be alright, that much I can tell you.
You know that you are done. 100% your call. You need to move through this and be better on the the other side. You will be.
Peace and hugs. There is no "right" way to do anything in this mess. The only exception maybe to see a counselor on your own when you are ready.
Having someone help you deal with this gets you to better place sooner rather than later.
When it comes down to how much this hurts, just remember it does not feel like this forever.
[This message edited by numb&dumb at 11:09 AM, February 23rd (Monday)]
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.
Bring it, life. I am ready for you.
Nivada ( new member #46911) posted at 5:36 PM on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
I'd just like to add in my agreement Ghost that you definitely aren't the bad guy. Like others have said this is something you've always known you could not forgive and told your wife the same. I'm the same as you. I couldn't forgive someone doing this to me. At the end of the day this is your life and not ours so you're the person who needs to decide what course of action is best for you.
It may be best for now to limit contact with your wife by e-mail and only with things related to the divorce, finances or kids. This isn't to hurt her. Its to help you heal. That will be hard if you keep talking to her and you hear how upset she is. You need at least a bit of time to yourself.
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