SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Whether you update or not, I hope life is treating you well SpaceGhost!

Bumped for TOC

Hey, SpaceGhost. I've read this famous thread of yours (mostly your posts) and, like so many others, I've applauded your clarity and decisiveness, and certainly understand why you choose to D and simply move-on. However...

We all do have to own our treatment of our spouses in our marriage. All of us can ruin our marriages by not meeting the needs of our spouse. If you are a man and you stop talking to your wife and your out drinking with your buddies every night and ignoring her... You are opening the door for another man. That behavior does not make it OK for the wife to cheat. Just like if you're a wife and don't feel like having sex with your husband anymore so you stop having sex... You are opening the door for another woman. That does not make it OK for the guy to cheat.

I have to disagree with just about everything in this paragraph. Yes, we all have to own our own behavior and our actions during a marriage. However, there's a big difference between meeting, or failing to meet, your spouse's healthy needs and being incapable of meeting needs that are quite simply unhealthy ones. The only person to an open a door to infidelity is the cheater. It has absolutely nothing to do with the betrayed. There is no justification, however carefully phrased, for infidelity.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 7:39 AM, September 19th (Monday)]

SpaceGhost was discussing "healthy needs". And he said "opening a door" and stressed that a door being open doesn't make it o.k. for the spouse to walk through it. I disagree that opening a door is only the betrayer's fault. One can pass a black and white judgement on the cheating itself, but the two things space ghost gave as examples (going out overnight and drinking and withholding all sex) are selfish behaviors for any spouse to do to another (barring a medical condition that prevents one from having sex). They certainly justify the spouse who is left at home or not shown intimacy the right to question whether the relationship is working for them. I believe that is what he meant by "opening the door". Obviously the right response to these feelings is to attempt to communicate those feelings and then separate if dissatisfaction continues rather than cheat. Maybe if he had phrased it as opening a door to marital dissatisfaction and divorce it wouldn't of sounded as bad? To me a door being open means there are many paths to choose from on the other side of the door. The point I think he was making is the door that leads away from the marriage and partner is open.

nme1 - Thank you for the bump. Much to read and learn tonight.

Bump for others to read...

Strength to all.

I gotta say. My impression from your promised update is that you backslid a little and regretted it. If I'm wrong, ok. If I'm right, that's ok too. We are all human.

I might also say that your later posts indicated an inner anger. "Used up tramp." Rightfully so, but just know there are ways to deal with it. I hope you are dealing with it. You will be so much healthier.

Finally, can I point out that this is like watching all of breaking bad and then being denied the right to see the last three episodes!

Hope your life is going as well as we all hope.

SG - I just saw your post on a different thread, so unless you are a real-life "ghost", you're still around. If you've not figured it out yet, your thread is one of the most actively discussed ones here (even after your disappearing act), so do stop by and let us know how life's been since you last posted here.

Hi SpaceGhost,

I just wanted to thank you for your story. Your path was instrumental in how I handled my wife's infidelity. It literally saved my life and allowed me to keep my self respect through the process. I now have a super remorseful wife who is begging for a second chance. Without following your lead I would still be in limbo. Now I am in full control of my life and have the power to decide if I want to grant my wife the gift of reconciliation.

Hope all is well and thank you again.

I should have done what you did Space. I hope all is well with you.

This is a fascinating thread for several reasons. First, I admire SG's ability to gather information, make a plan to confirm his suspicions, figure out what it means to him, chart a course of action that enables himself, and see it through. I also admire that he remained civil to his XW throughout the process. After what she did, he certainly didn't owe her anything. It is a great model for those who choose to D. Second, and this is more abstract, I was very interested in how men and women replied to his updates. While men were more likely to admonish him for not considering R, the women tended to admire his strength and resolve to stick to his plan. It reinforced my belief that women are attracted to men who take bold, decisive actions, and suggests that even if you want to R you should probably file for D first. It appears to be the only way you get an accurate read on your chances.

I am in a same situaiton, i just found out my husband had an affair. He is an alcoholic, he was with this woman who i know for over 24 hours at a residence we share in another city. not only was it a drunken night he continued to message her the next two days. in his texts he states a few times he never regret that moment they had. we have been married 20 years and 6 kids. i am lost right now between staying in this marriage or just leaving him. im 50/50. one minute i want to make this marriage work and when i think about it i just want to leave. unsure of what i want, maybe just scared of starting over.

Did SG ever do his final update? Last one was he had some good things (and not so good things) to share and wrap up the post...did I miss it?

its been more than 7 months since your last post SG. Are you stilll at peace with youself? Are you back with your ExW? you stated that your EXW was going to wait a year before she started dating again, that she would work on herself and try to work on herself, you seemed no longer wanting to ever get married again to anyone. it seems like you could be back together with her if could ever reconsider the "dealbreaker". Please give us an update.

ocdude, I am sure SG is doing fine. He stood on his principles.

What are you suggesting ?

Please don't take it the wrong way. I admire everything that he has done, and agree with what he stands for. But we are all human, I was just seeking a little closure likely as many of his supporters are seeking. Like I said, I hope you have found peace within.

Only just read this thread, took sometime, hope things are falling your way SG.

bump

I hope things are going well for you SpaceGhost.

Wow this thread just floored me. It shows how taking control of what you want and not letting the WS decide works better no matter what outcome you want.

I feel bad for Ghost of course and hope he has found happiness with someone who is not looking for M.

And I also feel bad for WW too as it is going to be difficult to find someone knowing she is always in her heart pining for her xBH.

I wish them both well.