SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you SG for being so open through your journey. your thread is a great resource to all of us in this situation.

One question: did you ever have any more contact with the OMS after she asked for the group "sit down" and did she stay with the OM (who oddly enough reminds me of Zorak) ?

I hope things keep improving for you. You deserve it.

Although this post is old I felt the need to respond to SG.

First my dad's mom was married to a man like your wife. He grew up in the forties and fifties. A time people in broken homes where shunned. His pain made him like you determined not to be the BS. Reading your posts I heard echos of the man I respect above all others.

Your wife choices in friends leave much to be desired. At every point they could not have provided worst advise. The date idea was the worst idea ever. Yet your exWW (as it June 2016) went along. Did she ever really know you SC?

A poster said you took a course action that regardless of a desire to divorce or reconcile - Amen

I agree that this thread needs to be bumped every so often.

Be Well

I just read this entire thread. I admire you SpaceGhost. I wish I had your strength.

I agree JohnA1. It needs to be bumped every so often. Decisive action is key

I will give an update in the next couple of weeks. Life has changed for me and I should share the details both the good and bad. I believe a person has to be decisive but I also know how hard that can be.

I do wish I would have done some things differently. I still care about my exWife and I will do an update soon. Good news is I had left Florida and now I am back There working and golfing.

I still wish none of this happened and I was still in my old house. But that was not to be.

I just read this entire thread. I admire you SpaceGhost. I wish I had your strength.

It's there waiting for you to tap into, scarlett94. Just got to use it!

I look forward to the update! And you are right House of Plane!

[This message edited by SCARLETT94 at 11:46 PM, June 20th (Monday)]

Could've, Would've, Should've..

I'm a BW and 4 months from D-Day and similar to SPACEGHOST0007, my first reaction was I have to "bolt and rebuild". Over the years, WH and I had discussed many times that we would never tolerate cheating. We had a pact and he violated it, but instead of bolting, I researched and listened to the advice to not act impulsively. I was hurt and beyond angry but I tried to let the dust settle before I acted. I make my own $$ and don't financially depend on him. If I could press REWIND, I would have SPACEGHOSTED! I love that new term..who knew there was a whole language (and set of acronyms) to infidelity?

I am no closer to trusting or forgiving him, despite his desperate plead for me to stay and his pathetic apologies. I don't want a life where I constantly have to look over my shoulder. I don't want to have to work on "fixing" this. Marriage or even relationships in general, shouldn't be this difficult. Either you are in it 100% because you want to share your life with someone....or you're not. I wish that I had not wasted 4 months of my life on this roller coaster ride and I just want to be happy again. I should have pressed restart the day I found out and worried about the ramifications later. This is my first post and I'll start a new thread with a bit more detail on my story, but I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm glad it all worked out for you SPACEGHOST0007; although I know change can be difficult. In my case, my WH was also good looking and "affaired" WAY DOWN--so it's difficult to comprehend the risk he took to be with her. This is so draining and I just don't want to waste any more of my life on this...sigh.

[This message edited by REWIND at 9:22 AM, June 21st (Tuesday)]

I don't want a life where I constantly have to look over my shoulder. I don't want to have to work on "fixing" this. Marriage or even relationships in general, shouldn't be this difficult. Either you are in it 100% because you want to share your life with someone....or you're not.

Boy, do I ever relate to that.

Welcome to the club, REWIND. You are in good company.

let us know SG. Thanks for checking back here

Thanks for checking back in with us Spaceghost, I look forward to hearing your update.

Inappropriate reply.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:56 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday)]

I guess some people just register out of frustration and anger maybe just by envy that they didn't have the means and courage to stick to their core values and integrity, if they had any in the first place

The ups and downs of public forums.

Everyone is indeed entitled their opinion, but theres a difference between giving 2x4 and being rude and offensive.

I find it incredibly shocking that another BS could attack Spaceghost for the way he chose to deal with the worst betrayal and devastation that can be wrought on a person. Reconciliation is a gift not a given and his wife knew the consequences yet did it any way. She wasn't caring for HIS feelings at this time - just her own. Why should his response be any different? Everyone can see how decimated he is by what she did. No one can doubt his pain and we can all see that he is living a life he never would have chosen for himself.

I have read this entire thread over the last few days and I wish I had a fraction of his strength and integrity on DDay and in the months that followed. He didn't degrade or demean himself - I did, and the anger I feel at myself is massive. He doesn't have to suffer that along with everything else. We all know that being cheated on can leave you feeling worthless, ugly, undesirable and inadequate. Therefore if he wants to find it in himself to acknowledge his good points then power to him. It doesn't make him disgusting.

No one can second guess someone here and tell them they are wrong for doing it their way. None of this was easy for SG but he did what he needed to do In order to heal. What I see here is a direct attack on a BS because he chose a route that someone else disagreed with. So wrong.

[This message edited by Sadielost at 3:32 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday)]

Mbgdallas,

It seems like you have been lurking for a few months and have never posted your story nor have you told us why or how you handled 'infidelity' in such a way that makes SG look bad since you seem to be a so called expert on this.

In reality, you would be in the extreme minority if not the only one here would would feel that SG performed poorly. After all, it was SG who had his boundaries WHICH HIS WIFE VIOLATED when SHE CHEATED ON HIM and yet he's disgusting ? he's disgusting for moving away and filing for divorce but somehow she was some saintly figure who was waiting until her husband was out of town and then would take trips out of town with her married boss to hotels and have romantic meetings ??

I think you have your priorities mixed up Dallas or your core values are 100% different than everyone here.

or are you trying to needle the members of this board ?

What is the focus of your personal attack ??

In the meantime, SG, let us know how things are going

Welcome, Dallas. Waywards aren't allowed to post on JFO for a reason. Just like other waywards, you clearly lack the ability to understand boundaries even when posting here. I'm sorry you didn't get a second chance either. Sometimes infidelity is simply a deal breaker and you do have to pick up your toys and go find (another) home.

Bet he thinks his shit don't stink and that he has never made a mistake in his life.

It's "doesn't."

I've always believed that if one is going to try to persuade the masses to consider the validity of their argument, it should at least be presented intelligently so it's taken seriously.

That being said, everyone is entitled to their opinions. And you know what they say about opinions.

I think the point you're missing is that forgiveness and reconciliation are NOT an automatic requirement on the part of the betrayed spouse. That is a GIFT you choose to give or a gift you choose NOT to give. And it's a very personal choice only the BS can make.

And lastly, infidelity isn't a 'mistake' one makes. I've made mistakes - one time years ago I choose to buy a dark green car instead of the same model in maroon. The next morning I was wondering what in hell I'd been thinking buying a dark green car? Too late now - had to live with that mistake. Another time, I overdrew my checkbook and paid $200 in bounced check fees. Another mistake for which I paid dearly.

Infidelity is a series of thousands of bad decisions, one after the next after the next after the next, ad infinitum. To reduce it to someone making a 'mistake' is to whitewash the entire thing and minimize it. I'm willing to bet SpaceGhost would have much preferred that he chose the wrong color car or overdrew his checking account and paid heavy fines for it then the Hell on earth that was instead dumped on his doorstep.

Your personal choice may be to stay with someone who has completely disrespected and devalued you to your very core - that would be your decision to live with and no one else's. But for those who chose a different path, their reasons are their own and no amount of angry, self-righteous indignation on your part is going to magically change his decision.

So you know, there's that.

To everyone:

Mbgdallas has been dealt with. Please get back on topic and ignore him.

Space Ghost I too look forward to an update!

Wow. I have to say sir that you have handled everything superbly from reading your posts. I am a BH also, who chose to reconcile after much soul searching. My wife's affair was of short duration, too. We were married 29 years when she strayed. Part of my recon process required me to take a hard look at myself due to combat related issues I bottled up for twenty years until they became too much to deal with so I threw myself into my work and neglected my wife. She did not know what I was dealing with and hiding due to my ability to compartmentalize when necessary.

From reading your posts, I can see that you still have love for your wife. I would encourage you to consider individual counseling, and perhaps you can attempt reconciliation. Being married twenty years, I can say I relate.

I have been in reconciliation for six months and she is treating me like a king and going out of her way more than is necessary to make it all up,to me, I hope that in time maybe this is something you can considered. You seem a lot like me as my ego was slammed too the mat big time.i tried to tell myself I did not love her, when deep down I did. I knew the only way I could be whole after I was diagnosed with PTSD, was to have her by my side. I disappeared for six weeks and only left Florida to come home for Christmas to see my family and to go to VA where three days before Christmas I found out my son was right, his jarhead dad was suffering from PTSD and adhd to boot. I had to really look hard at me and be honest with myself.

When I read you posts I see so much of me in you. I also had a cheating parent, my dad, and my mom stayed with him and they just celebrated their 56th anniversary. However, I said like you I would be fine without her after discovering she had a nine month affair with a guy 18'years younger. I ,like you , was considered by my wife's friends to be a good catch as I am considered athletic and handsome.

I came to the realization I was lying to myself. I knew deep down I loved her and could forgive her. My condition on reconciliation was one of zero tolerance and polygraph as well as marriage counseling and individual counseling. She knows if she was to ever stray again I am gone. She thanks me daily for saving our marriage. I still have triggers, but I feel the objective is worth it.

Do not rule out this option for you. With some therapy and EMDR, I think you could do it. I know how it feels to find the one you loved more than life itself betrayed you.

The similarities between your and my wife are unreal. You have a remorseful wife. I think if you were to r she would never cheat on you again.

All I am saying is do not shut the door on this option. You seem like a strong man. If this ol Marine can find it in his heart to forgive and reconcile, I would bet you could too.

PS: I was fortunate to run into POSOM while filling up my car a couple of months ago and I scared the living hell out of him. I am 6'4" and now pretty muscular as when I got that bad feeling about if I hit the gym hard and lost 35 pounds.