Hi my friend!
It's good to hear from you and that you move forwards in your healing. I admire the stance and especially the actions you took in dealing with this horror. I applaud you. Here are some thoughts on a few of the aspects you raised
My son had a girlfriend for a year and she went behind his back and was sexting if not more with another guy. He came to me looking for advice. It also made me realize how your children do watch what you are doing and it does impact how they look at things. He ended up breaking up with his girlfriend.
There are a lot of similarities in our stories and especially in our attitudes, both in general as well as in how we specifically regard and approach cheating. It was one of the reasons why reconciliation for me was never at the table although my wife is extremely remorseful. Actions beget consequences and this is a lesson I want my kids to learn by being a role model and giving them a living example that I do not only talk but back everything up with actions. You may ask what about forgiveness and compassion? So, indeed plan to forgive and work on that. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. Reconciliation is risk management and as you say I don't need to risk my life anymore with her. I have indeed a lot of compassion for her but for myself too. Having both of us in that equation I'm divorcing but will be there to support all of them including her. It's about having a wise heart maintaining both logic, reasoning as well as feeling and not dwelling in a naïve heart that will cause me nothing more than more pain. I hear what you say, agree with you and happy to learn more from you by seeing that.
I would not have divorced my wife if she did not have a physical affair. I am not crazy about emotional affairs but I can see how people can fall into them. I could have recovered from one of those assuming she cut the guy out of her life but I consider a physical affair unforgiveable. Being a woman she told me it would hurt her the most if I told another woman that I loved her. She said she could forgive the sex but the emotional part would hurt her more. And in my now XW screwed up thinking she forgot that I was not a chick I guess. I can understand how you fall into an emotional affair and get swept up in it. But once you remove your bra and panties and have another guy inside you then maybe just maybe you have made a conscience decision that is way too far. That is an act only reserved for your spouse and in my mind there is no coming back from that.
Here too, I hear what you say and could not more agree with that. I don't know if I would have forgiven at the end an emotional affair but I would for sure make an attempt and give my 100% of effort to make it successful. One can say what one wants and hundreds of times a day allegedly "I love you" or whatever one says to get something yet unless it is backed up by actions those are still empty words for me. Yet, I'm not sure that I was able at the end to do this because there is another male ideal that is violated namely respect. For me as a man love boils down to respect. The way I see it is that if a woman does not respect her man she doesn't love him. I don't see any problem with the differences of how women process the difference between an emotional and physical affair. I accept that this is a gender issues and that for women the emotional part maybe the worst and for men the physical one. Neither of them is morally more superior, better or worse. We are different and that what it is. I also find the existence of such differences to be good and enriching. The only thing we need is respect for the differences and that's what missing in both them. However, in the physical one there the additional aspect of actions and this is what make them worse.
As you say the physical act of having sex is the breach of any and all boundaries there are. Actions in themselves do not stand on their own so the reason for this boils down to intentions and is an emanation of them. Hence, intentions never come alone but are accompanied by a wide set of mental factors in includes bot emotions, perception (thoughts), volition and many more! It goes way too far as you say because the act at the end involves and contains all of them. You can reduce by active suppression, passive denial or whatever like in casual sex your feelings but at a certain level you can't completely eradicate them. Hence, whether you want or not some certain level of feelings and emotions exist in physical affairs, consider the most stories where WW spouses "find it so hard to detach from their AP", a physical affair is worse because all of that. The bottom line of this everything is that actions beget consequences and without them I find it hard for everyone to reform himself. One may do this by virtue of luck or by chance, yet as I say the risk is too high at least for me. The problem is that this is a male ideal and we live in a world where it is almost criminal to be a man and a society that is very hostile to male ideals – even many men themselves. I only want to say I hear you, support and applaud you. We don't have a problem it's not about us.
As she said it became addicting to have such a secret life and it was exciting at times after more than 20 years of marriage. She said she did not enjoy the sex with him but she liked the expensive restaurants and spas they would go to. The feeling of being romanced as she put it! I may not be conveying this right but my XW is not making excuses just answering my questions. She has told me she will not be dating for at least another year.
Here I may have a different view on this. I do think it is an excuse maybe even more too her-self than to you. I highly doubt you made anything or that you deprived her of any of the things she mentioned. Even your work at that time did not deprive her of anything. It not that she was lacking anything but wanted more. Your work than didn’t cause her to lose anything in that department but wanting more she took advantage of it. That's all. It was greed of wanting more and more, lack of modesty and humility as well as coping skills and boundaries. Those who are happy are not those who fall prey to the extreme of such kind of greed but those who value modesty and being happy with what they have. They live a balanced life. All affairs at the end boil down to some kind of set of selfishness (form of greed), entitlement (a form of selfishness and greed), lack of boundaries, morality, coping skills and some more! It has nothing to do with you and unless she realizes that herself she will stay in the outer level of artificial or superficial excuses.
I have no intention on marrying anyone again. I don’t want to put my assets at risk because I don’t trust another woman to not do the same thing and try to take half of my stuff. I am unwilling to take that chance with anyone.
Look, there is a difference in our both background I suppose. I come from a spiritual path that can give a lot of meaning in life by choosing a celibate life whether it is in a monastic order or within your lay practicing community. So, in the bottom line I can have a very fulfilling life in that sense. I have chosen to give up on any relationships with women whatsoever. This is not a life style that is applicable for everyone. Most of the people will not be fulfilled in that way. Why I am saying this? I did it both because of various different reasons than you but also the one that in romantic sense I don't trust any woman anymore. I can't see any relationships with women, neither marriage or otherwise. I understand perceptually that most of the women are not like this but emotionally I fear that one woman that'll do that again. I do not want to take any risk. Now, what I'm telling you now is not some definite solution to your problem but something to think and consider what works better for you. Anyway, in many countries cohabitating with a woman even if not married has the same devastating effects, especially from the financial point of view, as being married to her. The system will try to get at men anyway. The thing is if maybe it is not better for you even to marry with a pre-nup agreement. Hence, in your next relationship you will not have kids both of you it could be a good solution to protect yourself as to money and finances. I have no definite answer but try to think about it. If you can't be completely celibate as me than this could be maybe a good option and solution for you!
I wish you good luck and may you be happy and safe again as soon as possible
IGBTD
[This message edited by ImGoneByTheDown at 3:23 AM, January 9th (Saturday)]
