SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

can someone post a link to sophie2013 ?

Kingwood Kev thread is a good one

Whether or not you agree with SG and I am one who has the same beliefs and did exactly what he is doing we need to respect another persons decisions. SG's wife knew of these life altering no-go zones long before she decided to shave her privates for and have sex with another man. For anyone to try to draw upon the feelings for SG's wife and the amount of time they were married and about how much she truly loves her husband. Just where were these feelings of hers while she was parading around in lingerie, showing off her shaved privates and banging the OM. SG has a set of principles that he lives by, when his wife blatantly decided to toss them to the side while enjoying multiple sexapades with the other man he stood by his principles and decided to end the marriage. If anyone else is so inclind to forgive and forget and to move on even when they had those no-go zones violated then that is their choice.These are the same people that believe their marriage is stronger after the affair than before. I for one believe the marriage is strongest when you have total trust in your spouse and meet each others needs and neither one strays. As with SG I decided no way could I live with it and that was the end of it. Live strong SG.

can someone post a link to sophie2013 ?

Posting a link violates SI.com rules.

Guess how I learned that?

I for one believe the marriage is strongest when you have total trust in your spouse and meet each others needs and neither one strays.

So is she damaged goods forever? Or just to SG? If what he is saying about her is true, she'll likely make someone else a trust-worthy partner. Once burned-twice shy and all that. Just not with him. Such a tragedy.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 12:21 PM, February 20th (Friday)]

Trustworthy to someone else maybe... However to SG the trust is out the window. He doesnt want to live with trust lacking in his marriage along with the fact that she's had another man plowing her like "an Iowa cornfield" and that was his understanding with his wife long before she decided for a PA with the OM. She knew the consequences, her actions are what sealed the deal.

Good luck Space Ghost. Everyone should be wishing you that and accusing you of things like running away is probably as idiotic as anything that has been posted here.

nononsense Just because an opinion is different than yours does not mean it is idiotic. He is running away....from the situation. From the pain of seeing his ex-wife and having to deal with it. How can you say he isn't doing that? I honestly am not concerned whether they divorce or not. That is their business, but to claim that someone's opinion is is idiotic because it differs from yours is....well.....idiotic.

It seems obvious wife of OM has decided to buy his bull shit and wants to maintain her lifestyle.

Pleeeease stop assuming that the OM wife is staying with him because she wants to "maintain her lifestyle". You stated on a previous post that she is staying because she is "weak". Her self esteem could be completely gone. She may not feel like anyone else would want her. Who knows what her husband has fed into her head. You don't know this woman. Not all women are gold diggers. How do you know her family isn't wealthy? How do you know she doesn't have her PhD in something and is taking time off to raise her family with every ability to support herself! Not all SAHM are completely dependent on their husbands. Some stay to keep their families in tact for their children. Staying isn't weak, it is strong.

I guess I am the one projecting now......but I sure feel better.

Trustworthy to someone else maybe... However to SG the trust is out the window.

Ohh, I know. I just find it kind of ironically tragic that when maybe now, when she could actually potentially be trusted (it was undeserved trust before) it is too late. Implies trust is not really a rational thing with us. Don't know what you have until its gone.

And any women in his future will likely have been "plowed like an Iowa corn field" by lots of other men too, just not while married to him. It's that part that is crucial.

Spoken like a guy who already had a foot out the door. I'm sorry, but throwing away a lifetime together without so much as TRYING is pathetic.

Oh well. What can I say except that it's far easier to run away than it is to stay and fight.

To each his own.

Wow. Just wow.

Judge much? No one is judging your decision to stay...so do not judge someone else's decision to go. SHE knew it was a deal breaker and did it anyway. She is responsible. Not SG. Implying he is somehow a coward for being decisive and wanting to move on is, in itself, blame shifting and cowardly. No bueno, dude...

If I could do it all over again---I would handle it just as spaceghost did.

Enjoy the Florida sunshine and living!

I respect you SG for your decision. Good Luck in your new beginning.

SG had firm personal beliefs about infidelity. We all have those set beliefs.

Many of us have decided to put aside those beliefs to try R, many have not and stood firm in their beliefs of leaving the relationship and get divorced. We have seen several on this site that were very adamant in their belief. One woman that I remember was cheered on for her manner in which she did it. (I don't remember a lot but she did the surprise party for her husband).

Many that put aside their belief in this being a deal breaker and tried R have decided years later that it really was a deal breaker and then get divorced. They really could just not get past it even when the spouse was truly remorseful and doing everything they could to fix it.

Is one choice really better than the other? Not really. Everyone knows what their personal deal breaker is and if they may or may not be able to put aside that deal breaker for their wayward. Some can and do, but some violate their own self when they do.

This after all, is SG's decision and he must make it in the manner he sees fit and the most healthy way for him. After all, he is the one he has to live with and if he betrays himself and his beliefs, where will that put him?

I also see SG's move away as a great way to implement his own 180 and detach from his wife in an effective way.

I WISH I had the ability to walk away on DDay. Instead I endured false R for a couple more months then an unremorseful WH that I desperately tried to keep and he ended up leaving anyway. I wish I would have found my independence 7 months ago!

kudos to you space Ghost for knowing your limits and sticking to them!

She deserves better than what I can do for her right now.

No. She deserves to be divorced. Find someone. Love them with all her heart. Remain faithful and then find out that they have been fucking their female boss.

She has built her house upon the sand...

This is a long thread, so I have not read every post. I read the first page and the last. It seems that there are people giving this man a hard time because he has decided to divorce his cheating wife rather than stay and try to R. I don't get it. I'm starting to wonder if there is a double standard on this site.

I haven't been on here long, a little over 2 months, but I read a lot and have posted quite a bit in that short time. I don't think I've ever seen a thread started by a BW where she was told she should stay and R, that if she went straight for D, she was giving up too soon. It seems the most common advice to a BW is to leave and at least file for D. I was told this over and over when I first joined even though I repeatedly said that I was not going to leave my WH. However, this is the 2nd thread I've seen in recent weeks started by a BH where he is being told he needs to stay and work on R, not leave, not "give up". What is that about?

Is it somehow more excusable if a woman cheats than a man? I read over and over again that it's ok if the A is a deal breaker, unless it's the wife who cheated. If this guy is done, he's done. That's ok. That's his choice. He has every right to make it.

SG,

Welcome to Florida. It's a bit nippy at the moment for the sunshine state. I hope you enjoy your time here.

I married with the caveat infidelity was a deal breaker. Those were my XH's rules. I agreed, having watched my dad have an emotional affair and leave for ow. And I never wanted to do that. My XH used that deal breaker for me to tell him to leave. He divorced me.

There was a period in time where I thought I could have forgiven him and gotten past his affair (rug-sweeping). In hindsight it was better it ended.

I was in a long term relationship after my marriage ended. He was also a betrayed spouse. We promised to tell each other we would never cheat, as we knew how devastating that could be. He cheated. We tried for 3 weeks to make it work. I wasn't liking the person I was becoming not having trust in him. At the same time he didn't like seeing me in pain, and who I was becoming. I had no faith in my trust for him. He began wanting to be with ow. It was easier than facing me.

It was a blow to have him choose her.

It's taking me this long to realize that cheating is a deal breaker for me. I know I'm faithful. If I can't trust my life partner to be just as faithful, why stay in the relationship?

It is my line in the sand. Once it's crossed, shields go up. There is no going back. I know this about me, I'm ok with it.

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with this. It sounds like you know your line. Good for you. It will save you a lot of pain in the not too distant future.

Good luck and enjoy your golf.

K

[This message edited by Kajem at 9:41 PM, February 20th (Friday)]

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I agree totally with biggers most recent post. Either you can or cant accept it.

I agree with purplebreeze too. I notice a gender biase in advice sometimes.

You have enough advice to last forever. Here is my final take.

Many years ago, I knew a guy who had it all. The perfect life with the perfect wife. He was on the trajectory for great things. Then his perfect wife stepped out. He carried on for a while as she rubbed it in. After a while, he went home one night and put a bullet through his heart. His WW went on to marry the om and died 20 years later of cancer. I will say the only thing I thought of at the time was "suffer bitch."

You, my man, are the polar opposite of my friend. I honor you. I applaud you.

Do what you want because it is for YOU. Take the world by the ass and let the adulterer watch as you live a good life. I think we both know that the best revenge is living well. Let her watch you prosper. Just do me one favor. When you see her again, perhaps at your son's wedding, exude happiness, preferably with a new faithful honest woman at your side. If she is 5 or 10 years younger than Ms. "I don't know why I did it!" So much the better.

Hi Ghost. I'm sorry for what you're going through and I hope you can begin healing while away from everything.

I thought I'd post because in your thread you state that your WS is remorseful. The thing is a BS will never know if their WS is remorseful. From your posts you've mentioned that she is really upset. The thing is that doesn't mean she feels bad about hurting you. After reading a lot of threads I've noticed that most BS's think that when their WS starts crying and is sad its because they feel bad about hurting them. This is natural as they want to believe that they care about their feelings.

I agree that they probably are upset. But you have to realise that she was sleeping with him over a long period and happily talking with her friend about the fun she was having. She didn't seem to care then about what she was doing. It also appears that she had no intention of leaving you. So I assume that she really enjoys the relationship she has with you. So the reason she is upset is because you're going to divorce her, which she doesn't want. There is also the fact that everyone may find out what kind of person she really is. She only seems to be getting upset now that its affecting her in a bad way.

The way I see a lot of WS's is that they will happily betray someone as long as they get some fun out of it and they don't suffer any consequences. Look at the threads where a BS rug swept the affair and then found out later they were cheating again. It's because hurting their spouse doesn't bother them, its only when it affects them that it matters.

So all in all your WS may actually feel terrible for hurting you but all you can know is that she is sad. You don't know the reason she's sad. And I think most WS's are upset with how it affects them and not how it affects the BS. They were selfish during the affair. Don't you think that they are selfish after it as well.

They were selfish during the affair. Don't you think that they are selfish after it as well.

It's certainly a valid point. Given how difficult reconciliation is, it's probably true in the majority of our cases.

That being said, there are always exceptions. Most BS's want to believe that their own case is one of them. The reality is the majority will either end up divorcing or married, but miserable.

If your WS is doing and saying all the right things, how can you truly know what side of the fence your relationship is on unless you give it a shot?

In that respect, it does take guts to stick it out with your WS. The trick, imo, is to figure out if you're giving your WS another chance for the right reasons. Codependency isn't any good either.

To each his own. At the end of the day, we all have to live with the choices we make. Divorce or Reconciliation? There is no right or wrong answer most of the time.