SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not to beat a dead horse but those deriding SG for not trying to R, implying that he's making his decision too quickly before contemplating all of his options - Remember that his DDay was 'last year', so he's had some time to come to his decision. It seems to me that he's given this plenty of thought.

To those who call his course of action 'taking the easy way out' - Consider what it's like to give up the partner, that you loved, that you've had for 20+ years, to remove that other part of your life. To now live your life as one, handling all of the challenges that it may bring, alone. Consider effectively starting over at 40+ years old, dating, creating a new life, etc. All when you were not expecting, planning for, or anticipating it. The analogies to it feeling like dealing with a death are not too far off from the truth. Better to end it and start dealing with the feelings/rebuilding now than to prolong it.

It's no cakewalk either.

SG, my circumstances were different, so I made different choices. Had mine been like yours, would have taken your path and I would be in Florida or Tennessee or Arizona too. Good luck!

SG

I am glad you made it to Florida. I hope the space helps clear your head and ease the pain in your heart.

Don't do anything stupid.

I cannot believe your wife said this to you. I know you don't want to hurt her but I hope you responded in kind to her comment with something like "I'll leave stupid to you."

Enjoy the weather. Hopefully it wont get too cold down there.

Check in every once in a while and let us know how you are doing.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 3:01 PM, February 23rd (Monday)]

There were many sleepless nights post-DD. One night at about 2 on the golf channel there were 30 minutes on how to hit the flop shot. I was so desperate for something else to do I went to the range at 6 the next morning and spent the entire doing nothing but hitting that shot. Over. and Over.

Just being able to concentrate on something else. What did I get out of infidelity? I learned how to hit a flop shot really well. Years later I can still hit it. Funny but the mere act of doing that started the healing.

Don't do anything stupid.

I cannot believe your wife said this to you.

Happy Man said it right. Sounds like she is telling you be a good boy because you'll be back when you cool off a little bit. Sounds like shes convinced you'll be back in the near future.

Very condescending.

SG, no one has asked, but if you know the husband of the POS girlfriend of hers, I wish you would have told him his wife was a cheerleader for your wife so maybe he better watch out himself. You have more to do right now but just a thought.

Hope by the time you post again you are starting to get settled.

SG, I hope the change of scenery serves you well. Also, that you shave at least 5 strokes off your handicap before the year is over.

SpaceGhost, I registered just to say that you have my utmost respect and admiration for your words and actions through this trying time.

Some of us who have your self-awareness only come to know it by first going through this traumatic experience.

Carry on.

[This message edited by jr92gp at 8:20 PM, February 23rd (Monday)]

SG... I've been on here a few years and this is the first time that I can recall someone acting so decisively.

Good for you.

I totally get where you are coming from. I have a small child and reconciled for his sake. If not for him I would have walked.

I do love my wife and we are still healing over this and will be ok one day in the future.

I get from your posts that you were "all in" with your wife and never expected this. I respect the fact that walking away is the best option.

Honestly... If you are like 99% of us there is always the lingering "why". Why did your wife do that when she KNEW the consequences in advance.

The answer is she wanted to and like all wandering spouses, she never dreamed she would get caught.

Good luck. You seem like a stand up guy. Even though she cheated on you it doesn't subtract from the person you are. Don't do anything you might regret later, for any reason.

Hi everyone I wanted to pop in and say thank you for your support. My life hasn't been easy these past couple of months so I appreciate the support.

I took a big step when I left home. I packed up and left my wedding ring back home. It felt like my old life so I just left it there. It still feels strange without it.

I Feel better the last few days. I went over to the Wayward Side forum to read about women who cheated on their husbands and it was an eye opener! It did help me to understand my wife a little more.

As for me I am working and golfing and it is starting to relax me. I Have been getting calls from a lot of people and life is getting a bit easier now. I miss our old life but trying to build a new one and it will take time.

My wife is also in a lot of pain and we talked the other day for a while. I keep telling her I feel like she is damaged goods to me so I have to move on. She is putting together a journal for me if I still want it that will explain details of Her affair. She said she has a journal she was keeping and it will show me how messed up she was. I had asked for details so she will tell me anything. She is doing this at my request so I give her credit. She said she will do anything to even have a chance to save our marriage so I give her credit. She wanted to come see me but told her NO and she said she understood so we left it at that. I Don't think she has found my wedding ring at home or she hasn't asked yet. It Does help me to forget about her now that she is not around.

She is quitting her old job and has not gone back. The OM has tried to call her but she has not talked to him. She said she is to ashamed to go back and work with the women after she was served at work plus she said she hates herself and the OM. Her work mates liked me and she does not want to be there. It seems that word of the affair is out. She still has a few more weeks of vacation then she will be done.

I will be back in a couple of days. Later

I am also sorry about the typos and some errors but it is hard to type this on a little phone :-)

[This message edited by SpaceGhost0007 at 6:36 AM, February 25th (Wednesday)]

Glad to hear the good update. Keep relaxing and enjoying yourself. You have been subjected to a horrible shock and you need to take care of yourself.

How are the kids doing? Have you offered to pay for their therapy, are they open to the idea of therapy?

Best wishes

If I had the ability to work from wherever? Hello Caribbean or Central America. For the super-exotic, a month or two in Seychelles or Mauritius in the Indian Ocean.

Sending strength to you and your family.

It sounds like you are doing pretty well considering what you have been through.

Take it 1 day at a time. Play some golf, chill out and let yourself heal.

You did the right thing telling STBXWW not to come. It would have hindered your healing.

Take care my friend I wish you well.

Thanks for the update.

I am glad to hear that you are doing well. Getting away is sometimes the best way to become healthy ourselves. I did that too. Sometimes, being in the same places, seeing the same faces and especially seeing the wandering spouse hinders our emotional health and recovery. Enjoy the new environment and emotional recovery.

Best Wishes.

SG

I think your main problem is your choice of hobbies.

Golf is such a waste of time. I should know – I’ve tried it at least 3-4 times.

Try fly-fishing.

Now THAT’s a real past-time… no… lifestyle!

SG

If you are sure you will never come back to her, then spare yourself the details, all of them! Once you know something you can't unknow it...

Also consider that you will never know all that happened, even if your get the workemails, the burning phone, etc. I belive tha timeline she is making for you will be, unconsciously, sugar coated by the way she sees the whole affair now.

In other hand, don't give her hope if there is not a chance.

Reduce contact with her to only kids and D matters. Do it not only for you but for her. The less you talk the faster you detach and the faster the pain will go away.

Good luck

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 1:34 AM, February 26th (Thursday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:34 PM, March 5th (Thursday)]

Hi SpaceGhost...this is my first time commenting and I found this thread because someone mentioned it on another forum as a very empowering discussion. I applaud your strenghth--in so many ways I wish I had done what you did. I'm also a betrayed spouse who thought we had a good marriage. My husband never once expressed any dissatisfaction with me or our marriage. I found about about his affair quite accidentally. He had an affair with a women who I consider much "less" than me. It is/was/continues to be a HUGE blow to my ego and it is difficult. It's been 7 months and I cry nearly every day. We are trying to work it out but I'm learning that my husband has such self-esteem issues that it's like filling a bottomless cup. I have to constantly remind myself that it wasn't about me.

I haven't read all of the responses but I do see you have 2 kids in college. I was in college when I found out about my father's affair. I had no idea and I thought someone had dropped a bombshell on my life. I just wanted to let you know how I felt so you can support your kids. My mom had a nervous breakdown after my father's affair. My father decided to try to tell me things "like a friend". He clearly crossed boundaries with me that I didn't know should exist. I wasn't his therapist. I loved my mother and I loved him. What happened to me is that I thought my entire childhood was a sham. I went into a depressed state for several years. And then after college, I dated and married a nice man, but a man who I never felt passion for. He just happened to be someone who I thought would never cheat on me so I married him because of that (not a good reason to marry someone). It was a huge mistake and we divorced 5 years later. I was then a divorced, single mother at age 32. Please make sure you kids get a LOT of help and counseling. I did not and I really needed it. My parents were too busy falling apart that nobody thought to make sure I was ok. So I just wanted to add that.

Sorry you are going through all of this. Nobody deserves to feel this pain. ((hugs))

I agree Nononsense about the toxic friend. Let her husband know. If she is toxic with SG's relationship, then her lack of moral values may have crept into her relationship at some point and her husband needs to be vigilant and try to figure out if his wife is doing anything improper.

Good advice there

SpaceGhost I hope you are okay and taking care of yourself. Golf is cathartic, but don't let it take the place of true healing. You need to cry when you feel like crying. You need to scream yell and rage when you feel like doing so.

Are you eating good foods, sleeping well and caring for your heealth? Mak sure you don't lapse into too many bad habits. I have a tendency to do that and I have tro watch myself constantly.

I think its important to your role as a family man and father to make sure you treat your STBXWW with respect and compassion through this divorce process. Yes I know you have every right to your anger, and I support your decision to end your marriage. But despite the despicable way your WW treated you, she is still the mother of your children and deserves some credit for raising good kids. She wasn't always a screw up like she is now, and you need to remind your kids of that truth.

Good luck to you, SG. You gave me strength to move forward with my divorce. Good luck with whatever happens.