Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Positive Reconciliation Stories

default

Kathgbon ( Member #50510) posted at 1:55 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2015

I may be way too early, but I feel I need positive and wanted to read and then share positive. 4 months since DDay. Yet, since before I found out til now - my H has worked on fixing everything including himself, being there for me, supporting my horrible days and moments, answering all the questions I ask whether deeply detailed or not, and apologizing every day (sometimes multiple times). Do I feel I am moving on - absolutely not - too soon BUT I do feel this can work because before I even could start working - H already was. H recognized and admitted guilt, remorse prior to even me knowing about situation. I believe with someone like my H there is hope - do I guarantee it will be forever with him - not so sure, but I know there is enough love left after the pain to try if not for him, at least for me - my heart. Nothing is excused, nothing is forgotten, but i feel it better when things are recognized, talked about, even yelled about at times - i just want to be noticed every second and noticed when I'm hurting or noticed when I'm smiling and he does that - and he works hard at doing that because even prior to Dday he didn't - he only recognized himself. So I say kudos to all of you on here for your positive stories and stories that truly can end happy - you give me total hope - total belief even after the worst pain of my life - it can be done. TY for sharing - I will continue to share as well.

posts: 99   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 7408404
default

psychmom ( Member #47498) posted at 2:29 PM on Friday, December 4th, 2015

I feel very fortunate that at 14 months post DDay1, life has settled into something new, yet familiar and much more authentic than it was before DDay. Yes, I am one of those folks who had a "bad" marriage before DDay, which the crisis of discovery brought to the forefront and provided an opportunity to dissect the "old" marriage and create a new one using some new strategies for communication, more vulnerability and emotional expression, and most importantly, a renewed appreciation of what we have in one another. Now had we found all this WITHOUT my husband's infidelity, WOW, I'd be over the moon. But as many of us around these parts know, that didn't happen, and it took this nuclear option to get us here.

That's the background, here's the positive reconciliation story:

We were watching a movie on TV lastnight (didn't catch the title but it was about a young woman named Hazel Grace who has cancer and the young man who falls in love with her and their brief, but toughing relationship). At several points my husband began to cry. We were cuddled together on the sofa, holding one another throughout the movie, as we often do nowadays. We talked about the sadness he was feeling, and he expressed his remorse for having hurt me, hurt our family, how he nearly destroyed everything. It is these conversations that help ease my heart and give me the hope I need to continue to move forward with this. To see that 14 months into this, he's still acutely aware of his responsibility, owns his fault in all that has happened, continues to work on making himself a better man, husband, and father.

Each day provides another opportunity for growth and for rebuilding our life together. It's not all roses and honey, but I can honestly say that I'm beginning to believe that we will survive this and more than simply survive, thrive in our ability to be good parters and friends.

Have a wonderful day!

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: A state of unrest
id 7411897
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 3:27 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2015

During the Christmas Season there are many movies and shows that come around. One of them is the classic "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. I have watched it often...and really enjoy seeing how George Bailey has a revelation about how wonderful his life really is .

When my FWH and I watched it today...the part where George comes out of his office with lipstick on his cheek...and the implication that he has been having an A just BLARED out at me . Of course...being the honorable man he is...that is definitely NOT what happened. But after MY experience with living in this HELL...it was a sad realization of how things I have been so familiar with take on a different tone.

My FWH had a different experience this time too. Toward the end of the movie...when the townspeople are showing up with money to help George out...I notice my FWH is crying. I thought it was what I was crying about...the generosity of the people who are coming together to help the man who has helped them so unselfishly for so many years. Instead...he says something to the effect of how a good woman can turn a man's life around . He then goes on to thank me for the wonderful life he has. We both melted into each others arms...very happy...and oh so THANKFUL for this wonderful life WE have !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 7413456
default

Carealot ( Member #47603) posted at 6:22 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2015

Want2behappyagain,

Instead...he says something to the effect of how a good woman can turn a man's life around . He then goes on to thank me for the wonderful life he has. We both melted into each others arms...very happy...and oh so THANKFUL for this wonderful life WE have !!

I'm so happy for you! Psychmom too.

Me 56y/o BW
Him 56Y/O FWH BP
DD 29 DS31 WITH SZ
DDAY1 FOR EA JULY 2014 IMMEDIATE SEPARATION PER FWH WISHES
DID THE 180
DDAY #2 4/13/15
TT DDay #3&4 4/20/15 and 4/21/15 EA from last July was actually a PA till Dec.2014.

posts: 258   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2015
id 7413556
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 8:01 PM on Tuesday, December 8th, 2015

Thank you Carealot!! I came on here to write another positive story...and saw your post...that was very sweet .

My FWH came into the living room today with a coffee cup I had given him years ago for Valentine's Day. It has hearts all over it...so he wasn't going to bring it to work ...so he kept it on his chest of drawers to put change in. I wasn't sure why he was bringing his change cup to me...but then he told me that this was now MY cup. He said that when I start wondering how he feels...I just needed to reach inside the cup and pull out a piece of paper. Curious...I pulled one out...and it said..."I lust for you" . OH MY!!!

I started crying...hugging him...and gushing about it being the BEST present EVER !! I then had to take another one out..."You make me happy" . MAN...I am LOVING this gift!! My FWH said he will keep adding to the cup...ALL of them are his feelings toward me...toward US...and I can't wait to read more .

Before I placed the cup on the shelf...you guessed it...I HAD to read just one more . "I will always be faithful to you". WOW!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 7415426
default

psychmom ( Member #47498) posted at 3:28 PM on Thursday, December 10th, 2015

I'm not sure if this is a positive reconciliation story, but it is something I've been working out in my mind - a way for me to better understand the elements that have come together to bring me to the place I currently am in my R:

I count myself among those who have "reconciled" after a partner's infidelity. I never expected to find myself in this situation, never expected I would stay after those words were uttered, that reality set in. But here I am!

It has been 14 months, and my marriage is much improved. MUCH, MUCH improved. I do believe a toxic relationship between fWH and myself created a situation that made it possible for fWH, WITH HIS ISSUES, to slide down the dark slippery slope that he did. But with discovery, and realization that beneath all the shit behaviors we threw at one another over the years (long story of how we found ourselves there) we still had passion for another, still had love for one another, loved the family and life we had created together, we put our heads together, clasped hands, and jumped in.

The road has not been without more pain and sadness than I ever knew possible. But here are a few things that made is bearable and helped me and us get to where we are:

1. My fWH was remorseful from day 1. It was like a light switch was thrown and he woke up. But with that wake up he had to face what he'd done. Who he had become. It was the beginning of a painful, but enlightening and necessary journey of self-discovery for fWH.

2. In addition to seeing his remorse and his fumbling efforts early on to "make things right", I felt the love for him that brought me to him in the beginning. So much pain now wrapped up in that, but accepting that IF I COULD FIND A WAY TO GET THROUGH THIS, to accept what had happened, to trust that he was a changed man who was committed to the changes he wanted to make to himself, our life together could be good.

3. So far we've got (1) true remorse and efforts toward authentic change behaviorally as well as internally and (2) love in the passionate as well as companionate type. The next ingredient I'll add at this point is TIME. Just over one year since the bottom dropped out. In many ways I feel healed. I still have days when I can't get images and thoughts out of my head, but I can generally bear with it and then find myself distracted and the feelings and thoughts are gone. I do feel I'm in a pretty good place, that my life is now my own again. But I know it will still take much more time to get to the point where I truly feel "we made it".

4. HOPE for the future! I feel hopeful and confident that I've chosen the right path. Not the easy path, but the path that felt right to me as scary and difficult as it was in those early months.

5. And last, continued work in the form of IC and soon group therapy (men's anger group) for fWH, and a bit of MC and book work on ways to create a healthy and strong marriage. After a hiatus, we recently started to do some of the exercises in the "7 Principles for a Healthy Relationship" by John Gottman. It's our way to stay focused, to show one another that this is important, not something that is "one and done" but a work in progress. And a labor of love.

And we're making bat houses together as Christmas gifts for our families! We are also building raised garden beds and have started a "Dream Book" (simple 3-ring binder) where we will put our ideas of things we like, activities we'd like to do together, vacation ideas, shared goals and dreams. It will be our new story of our shared marriage, our co-creation of the relationship we both have wanted, but previously did not know how to achieve. We're learning and doing it together, which is far different than how we once approached our marriage.

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: A state of unrest
id 7417230
default

swmnbc ( Member #49344) posted at 6:31 PM on Monday, December 14th, 2015

[Copied from my recent topic]

We just celebrated our 11th anniversary. I have been struggling to be present in December 2015, and not be in December 2014 in my mind, when my husband was making plans to fly OW across the world for a two day rendezvous. I found an email she had sent him on our anniversary last year saying a "sneaky hello" to tell him she loved him. So I was looking forward to our anniversary with trepidation.

I noticed last year how he didn't mention our anniversary at all on FB, and how he didn't post pictures of me during the months of their relationship. That hurt me. And he's been trying to make up for that, almost to a ridiculous extent . . . a sappy Thanksgiving post about how what he's most thankful for is me and our kids, posting out of the blue how life is better because i'm in it, etc. It did provide some salve that he wrote very nice messages about our anniversary and said "I look forward to the rest of our lives together."

We planned to renew our vows, and I couldn't figure out where to do it . . . a garden, the church where we got married, the church we attend. I just wanted him to pick somewhere romantic. He chose a place overlooking the city, and we found a kind of pavilion. I read mine first and couldn't help crying. Then he read his and wept through them. He promised to love me exactly as I am, to accept my physical limitations (I have a chronic illness that he was not great at supporting me through in the past), to be mine 100% emotionally and physically, forsaking all others, to share everything, keeping no secrets, to be the best father he can be with honesty and integrity, to measure our wealth by our commitment to each other, and many, many more very eloquent and meaningful promises. I will cherish that piece of paper forever! Then we had drinks and dinner and went to a light display where we had our first date 17 years ago. He also surprised me with an eternity ring and explained why the title was meaningful to him.

Recovery and reconciliation are a process, and I remind myself (and him) of this often. I know that this doesn't mean the affair is forgotten. I still struggle with obsessively checking the OW's social media, though I promised myself I won't check until after the new year (and hopefully by then the habit will be broken and I won't even care, but this is how I stop myself from doing it right now). I know the anniversary of when he slept with her will be hard, and the anniversary of DD. But I genuinely feel that we are in a much, much better place than we've ever been. We coasted for many years because we had mutual goals and well-matched temperaments and genuine love. But when stress entered our lives, it turned out we hadn't developed real communication and coping skills. I see that now, and I feel liberated to know that I don't have to just let things go in the name of peace. I need to address them and work through them and be stronger for it.

He also starts IC next week, and he just earned a big bonus at work that he got a do-over for. He thought he had until February of last year to get it, but it was only until December, when he was in the midst of affair stupidity. His boss worked it out so he could try again and he just hit the numbers. I feel like it's a parallel to our marriage -- he screwed something up royally, he was graciously granted a second chance, and now he's making good.

So, for now, I'm happy. I believe moving forward is the right choice. I think it's reasonable to trust my husband again. I'm glad I'm giving him a second chance.

posts: 1747   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2015
id 7420991
default

authenticnow ( Member #16024) posted at 12:03 PM on Tuesday, December 15th, 2015

D-day was over 8 years ago. A ton of TT and finally after 16 months I gave him the full truth.

There were many bumps in the road, but the love was there. We worked...IC, books, SI, and here we are.

A true, happy R.

We just got back from a romantic, beautiful trip to our favorite tropical island.

Life can be good again, it truly can.

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

posts: 55165   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2007
id 7421764
default

bionicgal ( Member #39803) posted at 5:07 PM on Tuesday, December 15th, 2015

I keep waiting for the perfect moment to write the perfect post here, but I will write a short one and write the extended version later. This section of SI pulled me through some very dark days in the beginning.

I found out about my H's 2 month long affair with a friend in June of 2013. Since then, he and I have grown immensely. He has become a far better husband and friend, and our marriage (although good before) has grown tremendously. Our son is eleven, and doesn't remember a time when mom and dad weren't embarrassingly "icky" with their affection for each other. My H and I date, dream, get through the drudgery of life, and then find our way back to each other. We support each other, and feel very, very grateful to be getting through this.

It isn't easy - but in my case, it was worth it. One day, the affair will just be a footnote in a long, and otherwise happy tale. Do the reading, get MC (and IC if needed), check in here, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Many, many marriages are worth saving. I am glad it turned out I was wrong when I thought I'd leave my husband if this ever happened. I think I have a safer marriage now, and I am grateful for each day with my family, knowing how close I came to losing it.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

posts: 3521   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 7422040
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 4:32 AM on Thursday, December 17th, 2015

After going to a club Christmas Party tonight...we decided to go to a bar and play a little pool. While my FWH was getting ready for a shot...the song "Three Times a Lady" by Lionel Ritchie came on. My FWH walked toward me...singing the song...then started dancing with me...looking into my eyes...kissing me in between "once"..."twice"...and "three times a lady" . Then he belted out "I Loooooove You"!!! DANG!!! I sure do LOVE the husband I have NOW !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 7423612
default

trophywife411 ( Member #47784) posted at 10:30 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2015

I was blue this morning, no real reason, just struggling. There is a lot to do before the movers come on Monday, it is raining a torrential downpour, my body hurts, my brain is tired of dealing with this shit for 9 1/2 months now, blah, blah, blah.

So WH had a dentist appointment, and felt bad that he had to rush out so quickly this morning so he came back home before heading into work to let me know that and that he loved me. But I was blue and then it turned into a foul mood. He drew me out and I let out my own torrential downpour of sadness and anger and miserableness and and and...it was messy and yucky.

So WH held me, and kissed me, and called his office and told them that he wouldn't be in today despite the fact that his last day is tomorrow and he really has no business staying home to help me feel better and pack. And he cried and he shared his own fears and he loved me, he LOVED me.

So here I am in a much better mood, but with a caffeine headache because then we stayed in bed a little longer and I haven't had my coffee yet while he is outside making sure our shed doesn't flood in the rain and getting things out there packed up. And I have a smile on my face and a warmth in my heart because dammit, we are going to make it because he is putting me and us first and that is pretty fucking cool!

**Sorry for the language, it just fit!

Me-BW 40
fWH 45
together 18 years, married 16
Dday March 2015, Final TT 6/17/15
Reconciling

posts: 858   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2015
id 7424418
default

HFSSC ( Member #33338) posted at 1:45 PM on Monday, December 28th, 2015

I've been trying to figure out how, and when, to put this into words. I'm lying in bed right now, listening to JM breathe (and snore). And I am happy. Blessed beyond measure. On December 14, we celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. Today is my birthday. And over the past two weeks, I have pondered the difference between now and five years ago. Our anniversary was... meh. Not horrible but not good. We hardly even acknowledged it. Christmas, however, was HORRIBLE. He couldn't stand to be in the same room as me. He was agitated, irritable and seemed pissed off at me, but I had no idea what I'd done wrong. How could I have known that my offense was that I was not the woman he wanted to be with??

On Christmas Eve 2010, the son of dear friends was killed in a car accident. So I spent that birthday leading the music and singing for the funeral of this 24 year old who I loved. And JM couldn't be bothered to come.

We'd had problems before. My substance abuse had almost destroyed our family several times. JM had a ONS when our ds (now 17) was an infant. We rugswept. He had an online sexting/cyber A a year or so later. Just before I got sober, he struck up an EA with the woman he'd been with before he and I met. After I came home from a thirty day rehab 6 hours from home,I discovered the extent and intensity of their involvement. This time I flipped. I mean, I went full on, psycho on this chick and on JM. I told him I would never go through this again. I demanded MC. He blew off the first appointment so I met with the counselor alone. After the second visit,JM told me that he didn't like the counselor, that she was on my side. I offered to go to anyone he wanted,but he never did anything. I needed desperately to get and stay sober, and I knew that I couldn't leave him and also focus on recovery. So I worked on me. I got healthier and stronger. And everything I represented was anathema to him.

So on December 28, 2010, I found the email that almost destroyed me. Written on our anniversary. To another woman, telling her how she made him feel. When I confronted, he lied. Denied. Gaslighted. Blame shifted. All of it. If there is a dysfunctional coping mechanism. He tried it.

I put him out of our bedroom that night. We were in house S for a month until he moved out. 6 months later he begged to come home. We had a conversation where I told him I needed the truth about everything. That I was totally committed but needed to know what I was dealing with. Of course he continued to lie. So in August I discovered all of the truth. A false R. The truth about the A that was a thousand times worse than the worst thing I'd imagined. That day culminated in his suicide threat and commitment to a psych hospital.

That was when I found SI. I was done. D.O.N.E. done. Or so I thought. JM began to surrender his heart to God at that point and I gradually began to believe his repentance and remorse were real. We renewed our vows on our 15th anniversary. There were still some speed bumps. You don't unlearn a life time of shitty coping skills overnight.

But what I can tell you is that I have 100% absolute trust in my H. He has become a leader. In our home. In our church. In our community. He shows me he loves me every day, in a million little ways. Let me tell you one. This just amazes me. I had surgery on my hand December 4. It wasn't a big thing, just for carpal tunnel syndrome. Anyway,it was difficult for me to unroll the toilet paper. So every single time he went in the bathroom, he made sure to unroll some TP, fold it and leave it on top of the TP holder.

Now, if that ain't love, I don't know what is.

So if you're struggling in the early days/months, please know that there is hope. Hope even for serial cheaters and mad hatters. If both people are willing to work, there is hope.

Me, 54
Him, 45 (JMSSC)
Married 24 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4595   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 7432511
default

psychmom ( Member #47498) posted at 6:30 PM on Monday, December 28th, 2015

HFSSC, thank you for your uplifting words. You have been so much in the past 5 years, yet are here today as testament to the power of love, commitment, strength. I am so happy you decided to come in and share today.

This is a great thread - positive reconciliation stories. We all need some encouragement, something to hold on to when the darkness threatens to once again descend. At least I do.

Today we are 15 months out. Mr Psych has been steady from the beginning. But with his head so far up his ass on DDay1, it did take those early months for him to fully come out of the fog that had surrounded him during his A period. During one of those early days Mr Psych was still very troubled, still very confused and while committed to our marriage and to me, he didn't really know what to do. He found me that day, grabbed me and began to sob. "What are you thinking?" I asked him. He looked me in the eyes and said that he was seeing our home through his new eyes, and saw the years of neglect. To him, our home represented our marriage, and at this moment he had the recognition that like our home, he'd neglected me, his family, our marriage. It was one of many turning points in our R.

Fast foward to today. He's at work, we're in the midst of a winter storm so I'm hunkered down at home with our youngest daughter (home from college). He's phoned me twice already. He'll be coming home early, eager to be with his daughter and me. He continues to do IC and just started a men's group this past week (20 week commitment). We started a "dream book" of projects, goals, things we love and want to add to our lives. We talk every day, share, plan, hope, dream together. And one big plan is to remodel our tired kitchen. We are starting the planning of colors, fixtures, style of new cabinetry. Such a difference from what our marriage has been.

2015 was a year of hard work to heal our marriage, heal ourselves. Things are feeling pretty normal and settling down. I truly believe 2016 will be my year of healing, the year when I make peace with the past and find a new place of balance and focus. I will pop in periodically with updates. All the best to you all in 2016!

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: A state of unrest
id 7432771
default

HenryIIX ( Member #46173) posted at 5:16 PM on Tuesday, December 29th, 2015

I'm hopefully giving Want2Be a belated Christmas gift.....a positive R story!

I posted a few weeks ago how my one year antiversary of Dday was looming and between that and Christmas, I was a bit anxious. I was focused on the negative and giving the day more power than I should have, I knew it then but couldn't help myself.

I am glad to announce that I made it through Christmas, Dday and the next few days unscathed!! Actually, I was pretty damn happy the whole time and a lot of it is thanks to my WH. (fWH might be coming soon but I'm not rushing into anything!)

Christmas was a great day, and the first great one in a long time. In the past my WH usually got me gift cards along with one or two things he wanted me to have, not things I wanted. He went out of his way this year to show me how important I am to him. He and the boys, along with the dog (yep, he even wrangled the dog to get a paw print) made me custom ornaments with glitter. You all know I love glitter!! Total surprise, handmade ornaments from all my boys - it brought tears to my eyes and was so special. He bought gifts that I wanted and he even got little details right which showed he has been listening to me. He can now tell you that I don't like boots with half zippers and that I wear a medium for exercise pants but like the matching jacket in large. This is HUGE!!! I couldn't believe he has really been engaged in our conversations instead of half-listening. I didn't specifically give him a list or my criteria but he nailed everyone! The whole day he was doing everything possible to make me feel special and loved and it worked!

The morning of our first antiversary for Dday I did wake up and go right to negative thoughts. I was a minute away from full blown tears because of the mind movies and 'whys'. WH wakes up, rolls over, kisses me on the forehead and starts talking about how sorry he is for all the pain and how he wishes he could take it back but because he can't he is going to do everything in his power to make it up to me. He didn't know I was having a moment and addressed my feelings proactively. In the past he would never acknowledge any feeling except happy and would never take responsibility for anything. It took him 15 minutes to turn my day around and make it a great day. We had my family's Christmas gathering at our house and he was a perfect host, where in the past he would hide in the living room and watch tv. I went to bed that evening feeling peaceful and even more hopeful than the day before.

It sucks that he was broken enough to have an affair. I will never forget the pain that he inflicted on me and the damage he did to our marriage. I do not feel an urge to forgive him but that might come later. I'm not against forgiveness anymore but know it isn't necessary for us to stay together and be happy.

I also know our love is stronger than in the past and we are working together to have a better marriage. We have used this bullshit to bring out the best in both of us and I look forward to a happy future with my WH. My WH is a different person, the person that myself and my boys deserve. He is a much better husband and father and is doing his best every day to prove that to us. He is working hard and for that, I am thankful.

It hasn't been easy but a year later, and with a truly remorseful WH who has laid a lot on the line to fix things, I can say the work towards R has been worth it.

Merry Christmas Want2 !!!!!

BS - Me (50) WS - Him (50)
Married 22 yrs, together 28 yrs
DS1 - 19, DS2 - 16
DDay - 12/26/14
DDay #2 - 2/6/21

~ Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.

posts: 1315   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Midwest
id 7433603
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 5:26 PM on Tuesday, December 29th, 2015

THANK YOU *Does a HAPPY dance*!!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 7433615
default

forgivingnow ( Member #33549) posted at 8:36 PM on Tuesday, December 29th, 2015

The marriage I have today is greater than I ever could have imagined. The love we share and lust is incredible.

But I remember vividly how I felt in March of 2011 when I found out my husband had been cheating on me, with prostitutes. Shock, horror, disbelief, couldn't move, eat, uncontrollable shaking, chest pain, sobbing. Of course he minimalized, continued to lie. But did begin to commit & be there for me. Hysterical bonding & working on us. I found out more truth October of that year & SI. We were spending almost all our time together. I could see that he used to be so selfish but he had changed...he was PRESENT, put my needs first. I was happy but still dealing with the trauma of infidelity.

By now several friends were making comments, what did you do? You seem so happy. We just said we decided to focus on us as our kids were beginning to go off to college, true, just left out the infidelity. You are the most connected couple in the room....

Fast forward to July of 2013, I found out the full truth about his cheating. There had been no more cheating since March of 2011 but it was many more years than he initially let me believe. Started when my youngest was a baby to her 8th grade year. This was a tremendous blow but oddly I felt some peace, having the truth. This time I demanded IC for both of us. For him to figure out why & me to process the trauma, I felt like I was starting over again. Even though I had had an amazing growth in our marriage the past 2 years. One year + of IC. And continued working on ourselves and US.

Today I can say he is the love of my life & he says I am his. I know some people don't agree with this saying after infidelity but for us it is true. He tells me everyday how much he loves me, is so grateful for us, I'm gorgeous, his best friend, what a lucky man he is I gave him a 2nd chance. We don't like to be apart, he is a new man, I'm a stronger person. I didn't used to speak up for myself. I do now. I know I deserve love, honesty, lust, a faithful husband. Our sex life is amazing, we laugh a lot, I travel with him for his work a lot now too. I feel loved. I still have mind movies, I still cry at night sometimes. He'll say are you having a bad dream & hold me & tell me he's sorry. "It's just us".

You don't have to make a decision right away, you will survive this and become stronger. With a remorseful, transparent spouse and love and working on "us" you can build the marriage of your dreams. The marriage you deserve.

[This message edited by forgivingnow at 2:39 PM, December 29th (Tuesday)]

Me-BS 57
FWH-57
M 37yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

posts: 747   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2011
id 7433809
default

findingjoy ( Member #46546) posted at 10:45 PM on Tuesday, December 29th, 2015

We are almost at our first antiversary and doing so, so much better than I had hoped for.

I thought we had a great marriage. He was always happy! I knew I was 100% committed and I would never for a second consider leaving him or cheating on him. We were the couple others wanted to be.

My perfect life came crashing in last January when OW2 called me. I wanted it to not be true. I needed my old life back. The safety and security and 100% trust. I didn't know what to do with this new unwelcome truth. I had diarrhea for a month.

I kicked him out for 9 days. When he came back he wasn't welcome in our bedroom. I unleashed fury and anguish over months. I forgot what it was like to sleep through the night. I hurt myself sometimes. I beat the bed in my anguish. I felt like one giant raw nerve, crying at random times without there even being a thought of why the tears. They just were. It was physical pain.

I demanded (and got) a whole lot of things to help me feel safer. 100% transparency. He told the friends I wanted him to. He started IC right away. He put $5000 into an account for me only in case I ever want to hire a PI to check him out. He made amends I asked him for. He no longer went to the bar he met them at. He checked in with his phone when we were apart. He apologized to me every day. He held me when I cried. He read what I asked him to. He answered every question I had to the best of his ability.

One thing I've noticed lately is that he isn't happy all the time. And that is so good to see. Before Dday he needed to be happy all the time. If he felt pain or anger from me - he couldn't process it, he shut me out. If he felt pain or unhappiness in himself he needed to medicate it with alcohol or women. He doesn't LIKE being sad now, but he can accept that it is part of the human condition and that sharing our sadness together actually brings us closer. It's being vulnerable, authentic and real. And THAT is a husband I can truly know and genuinely love. He has become 3-dimensional. Real. As such, his love is now so much more real than it ever was before. I hate that he did these things, but WE are better now.

I credit a couple things. I know it helped that I learned from Ddays in prior marriages to put my bitch boots on really quick. I absolutely would have divorced him if he hadn't done what I needed. In a HEARTBEAT. I was willing to lose my marriage in order to (hopefully) save it. I think more than that, my FWH is honestly a good guy who had dysfunctions he wasn't aware of, had shitty coping skills, didn't know how to foster true emotional intimacy, hated himself and made some incredibly stupid choices. Being at heart a good guy, he now knows how badly he needs his actions to line up with his values to regain his integrity. He wants that, and to help me feel safe, above ALL else.

I still feel dark and sad at times but it doesn't control me. I also feel joy and silliness and love. I feel so much stronger than I thought I would have. I have forgiven him and I truly believe we will make it.

No pm's with male members.
Me: 50
Him: FWH 61
2 previous Ms: 2 adult DD's
Together 11 yrs, M 9 yrs. Dday 01/20/15
2 PA's (one was a 2 yr LTA) Reconciled.

posts: 1913   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2015
id 7433929
default

yoshi7268 ( Member #35519) posted at 3:08 AM on Thursday, December 31st, 2015

I don't trigger much anymore so when I do, it's usually unexpected and like a brick to the face.

Right after DDay, I couldn't go anywhere without hearing a certain song that Mr. Yoshi and OW "shared". It was piped in at the grocery stores, all major shopping centers, everywhere!

I would freeze. The pain was so intense. Mr. Yoshi would always hold my ears, look into my eyes and tell me to read his lips. " I love you! I'm so very sorry I hurt you! You are so important to me!" Etc. until the song was over. It helped but I still hated going places.

I haven't heard that song in probably two years. Well, while out shopping right before Christmas, it happened. As soon as the song started I froze. My hands and neck began to sweat. My gut clenched and my heart ached. I could hear Mr. Yoshi talking but it sounded far away. I could hardly breathe.

As the tears started to slip from my eyes, I felt Mr. Yoshi pull me close to him and hold me tight. " Stay here with me Yoshi! I'm right here with you! I'm so sorry I ever hurt you! I love you so much! This song is nothing! She is nothing! You are the most amazing person I know! Please, stay here with me!"

Then he held my face in his hands, looked me in the eyes.....and started singing. "OOOOH, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WA.....hey, you're supposed to sing with me Yoshi!"

So there we were, in the middle of a crowded department store, bobbing up and down, smiling with tears still running down my face singing Christmas carols like we were the only two people on the planet. It was bliss.

I love my Mr. Yoshi.

ME-BS-45
WH-49
5 kids 19-29
Married 26 years-together 30
Dday1-late June 2011
Dday2-early July 2011-TT (Continued Affair)
Dday3- early August 2011-TT
Another affair 7 years before.
R going well

posts: 310   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2012   ·   location: yoshi7268
id 7435110
default

Aubrie ( Member #33886) posted at 2:58 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2015

Every since I was a little girl, I've been a huge fan of a certain line of dolls. Not just the dolls themselves, but the stories that accompany them. Different time periods, cultures, customs, family dynamics. I loved the stories. My parents bought me all the books, yet I craved one of the dolls. My parents refused to spend that kind of money on such a "stupid and frivilous" thing that I was just going to eventually outgrow. (By that logic, why by any child anything? They all outgrow them.)

As the years passed, the stories stayed with me. I was able to pass my own collection of books to my daughter. She received her first doll for her birthday two years ago. Then got another one for Christmas. Then a friend knew someone selling one at work....ok fine, I live vicariously thru my daughter. My daughter loves the dolls, the stories, etc. etc. She has a growing collection. It's awesome.

One day this summer while we were in one of the stores that sell these dolls, I stopped in front of a specific display case containing my favorite doll, and just stared. My husband just looked at me. "Umm...?" I explained that this girl was my favorite, she was the one I always wanted, and I like to just stare at her sometimes and dream. He continued to watch me as our daughter who'd heard the conversation came up with this "OMG DAD! EPIC IDEA" that Mom get her own doll for Christmasssss!" I laughed and shugged it off. That's silly. I'm in my early 30s. I mean don't get me wrong, it would be a cool present, I'd probably cry, but don't be ridiculous. I'm a grown woman.

Fast foward to Christmas. We have a plan, a budget, and we stick to it. I get all my presents for my husband purchased, wrapped, and under the tree. He then announces that he hopes I don't mind but he needs to blow the budget a bit to get something he feels I need. Oh, and stay off the banking app, if you see certain charges, it'll give it away.

I've never been one with a good memory. With some recent health issues, its only gotten worse. All the stuff from this summer was totally forgotten. So I'm at a total loss. I ask for clues. He only gave me one. It's bigger than a bread box. Every other question I asked, he evaded. He was so super secretive. It was exciting, but it also drove me nuts!

Christmas Eve, it suddenly hits me. Oh my gosh, this mystery gift could totally be a doll. Noooooo. That's insane. He wouldn't do that. But it's bigger than a bread box right? Yeah but so is a drill set. Or a saw. Or some other random gizmo. (I kinda like power tools) I was a mess for the next 24 hours. Could it be!?

Christmas morning rolls around. Everyone opens all their gifts. My husband is keeping one off to the side for the very last. He finally hands it to me. It's big. It's the right shape. Yet I kept telling myself he could have just used a box from a previous purchase to throw me off. I was trying to protect my heart juuuust in case.

I ripped back the paper, and there she was! The doll I'd wanted for twenty something years. I shrieked. I laughed. I cried. My daughter went nuts. "OMG we can totally play dolls togetherrrrrr!" She's beautiful. Everything I have ever dreamed of. Her hair is perfect. Her dress is perfect. Her little gold earrings are perfect. She's flawless.

To some people it may not be that big of a deal. It's a doll. I'm in my 30s. Grow up already. Thing is, my super rigid, very budget conscious husband saw my reaction to seeing the doll back in the summer, made up his mind then, and then followed thru. He threw better judgement and rational thought to the wind. He gifted me one of the things the 9 year old in my soul has been craving for years. He did something for me as an adult, that my parents wouldn't do for me as a child. In a way, I feel a part of my childhood is finally complete. Does that make sense?

My husband is typically bad with grand gestures. (Mostly due to FOO) Or he has a big idea, tells me he has one, then fails to deliver. It's crushing every time. I have trained myself to be prepared for failure. To not expect much. But this time, he made a plan, and followed thru till the end. That's kind of a big deal.

This experience was not only healing for me, but for him as well. He experienced firsthand what it feels like to go above and beyond, to reach outside the box. You can see the joy and satisfaction on his face. He "got" it. It was a healing moment for him just as much as it was for me.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

posts: 7922   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011
id 7435432
default

Mhiimg65 ( Member #41951) posted at 2:51 AM on Sunday, January 3rd, 2016

2016.

It's been two years as of Jan 4 2013. I had no idea of the man I was living with. I had every idea of the man I was living with. We had been together since I was 16 and he 20. We finally married at 30 and 26. We lived EVERYTHING together. We never had children. Our lives were so intertwined, I never suspected he would ever stray. He hit 50 and I 46. Yes, a lot less sex. He showed no interest, I was menopausal. Turns out he went looking for woman. Long story, but it has taking two years to work hard on this, MC for us and IC for him. We recently cut the cord from both. I'm happy because for at least a year I slept in different beds, couches in my house. I many nights packed his stuff, and readied for him to get out. Sometimes I looked for apartments for myself.

We've both worked hard. We both had a fallback last night. I was ready to leave again, but then I realized how hard this man has worked to keep me. I'm still mad , but I'm still amazed at how hard we have both worked at this marriage.

Just a heads up for those with hope. Anger must leave and understanding has to prevail if you want your love to continue. It's a hard road, but it's possible with hard work.

I live everyday wondering what is next. Oh well. Life is life and God continues to give us hope and challenges. WH was recently diagnosed with diabetes. No more outside sex for him, even if he wanted. Sometimes God just intervenes...just saying.

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

posts: 151   ·   registered: Jan. 7th, 2014   ·   location: New York
id 7437414
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210918 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy