Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Positive Reconciliation Stories

default

intheblinkofaney ( Member #45537) posted at 2:42 PM on Friday, December 26th, 2014

I think there are tons more positive recon stories so don't get discouraged eachday.

I read tons on the Reconciliation forum that definitely should be on here too.

I have replied to some telling them that they should post if here also.

I hope this thread continues to grow!

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
----------
10-12-14 D-Day
3-24-15 Giving R a chance

posts: 727   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2014
id 7055105
default

tl502 ( Member #42607) posted at 1:18 AM on Sunday, January 4th, 2015

3 years and 3 months ago, my world came crashing down around me. I found out that my h was not the man I believed him to be. The man that I had been with since I was 19 (30 years) was a masterful liar. He would do anything behind his wife's back. He wanted to appear to me like an honorable man, but he basically was a sham.

I think back to our teaching our kids the importance of honesty in their younger years, well...

I didn't know where to start, he confessed on dd after having a full blown nervous breakdown while I was at work. He was remorseful immediately, I know now that he was so screwed up that he didn't know what he wanted, but he held on that day to me and our m. He was kind and never belittled me in those early days, for this I am grateful. It took about 3 weeks for him to defog and commit to r, mc.

He made a nc call on dd and wrote a letter, that I approved a few days later. Ok, now we could move forward. Not so fast there, apparently we needed to clarify what nc really meant. 18 months after dd, I find the secret email that they had kept up, and he admitted that they talked on the phone sometimes. She lived out of town so the pa didn't continue after dd1. March 2013 to May 2014 was the darkest time for me. I lost all hope, I felt I could never trust again. I shut down but was just too stubborn to quit.

In May of 2014, I was ready to leave, I didn't think that I could do it anymore. He was doing everything that he could do, but I was done.

On our 30th wedding anniversary, I sent him a letter about starting over and letting the past go. He was dubious of my ability and I went ballistic. After all he had put me through, he wasn't willing to give us one last chance! After a very respectable verbal beating, he decided that he was all in to the new proposition and we have been working on our new honest relationship ever since.

I can honestly say that he has become the husband that I have always wanted him to be. He is affectionate and considerate. He actually puts me and our dd's ahead of his own desires on a regular basis. He has learned that affection and connection leads to a better more fulfilling sex life, duh!

He has a long way to go yet, but I appreciate that he never tried to rewrite our marital history and blame me for his indiscretions. I appreciate that he didn't tt me from the beginning. Trust is improving, it will never be as it used to be, of that, I am resigned. But I do believe that we can get to a working level of trust.

We had a good m before dd, I was a good wife, he was a good h in many ways. He has identified his problems and is working to fix them. We have a new granddaughter and see both our dd's regularly.

We are only 1 year and 9 months past dd#2, 7 months into our true R attempt. I feel better with each passing month, it feels good to have some hope back in my life. It feels good to be able to rely on my h again.

I am stronger for this experience, more self reliant and more prepared to go it alone should my h choose to fail me again. When people on SI say you have to be willing to lose your m to save it, it is very true. We both know that staying together is a choice that we have fought our way through hell for and we're deeply grateful to be on the other side.

[This message edited by tl502 at 8:28 AM, January 4th (Sunday)]

Married 35 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

posts: 1111   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: big blue nation
id 7065474
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 2:57 PM on Monday, January 5th, 2015

I had posted something similar in the Reconciliation Forum, but it may be better to post it here. It might help others who have been having issues with what their WS have said concerning the AP. It was also a POSITIVE step that helped in my healing .

"When I would wake up at night and see her laying next to me, I felt like I had won a prize." My WH told me this on July 20, 2014, the day after DDay. We had decided to R, he had sent the NC, the OW's response to his NC quickly got him out of the "fog", and we were talking about his A when he told me about her being a "prize". It hurt so bad to hear him say this, but I kept my cool so that he wouldn't get defensive and stop talking altogether. I wanted to know EVERY detail he could remember, so I just let him keep talking.

About a month or so later, I was talking to my WH about some of the things he said, things that were seared into my memory. One of these was about her being a "prize". My WH was mortified about some of these things because he truly didn't feel that same way anymore. I asked him to tell me how he felt about these statements NOW. So I would repeat what he said and he would continue with how he felt now. When I got to the statement about her being a "prize", it went like this, "When I would wake up at night and see her laying next to me, I felt like I had won a prize, BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, this "prize" that I won was more like an amusement park trinket." He then grabbed me by my shoulders, looked me square in the eyes, and with his eyes brimming with tears he said, "She was an amusement park trinket, but YOU are my treasure."

NOW, when I think about some of the things he said about the OW, I also have statements to remember about how he REALLY feels since the fog has been lifted!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 7066945
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 3:21 PM on Monday, January 5th, 2015

I have to share the text my WH just sent. I posted my story here at 8:57am:

9:11am

WH: I will cherish you forever as you are my treasure!!

WOW!! He is not on this site and has no idea I just posted this "treasure" story !! Honestly though, he does say this often now, but it was kind of cool that I got this message just 14 minutes after posting the "treasure" story!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 7066993
default

CoSA1977 ( New Member #43345) posted at 7:16 PM on Monday, January 5th, 2015

Happy New Year Everyone.

2013 was a harsh year as it was the year my husband made his full disclosure. The anger, hurt, betrayal, and sadness was overwhelming. I was thankful for the women at the CoSA meeting I went to. They were more than helpful. Outbursts of anger towards my husband were inevitable. I went apeshit on him. He dealt with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from me. I dealt with his betrayal after his disclosure and the horrible fact that I couldn't trust him anymore. It was definitely the worst year of my life.

2014 was the year of healing. It was the year that allowed myself to feel every emotion no matter how good or bad. It was the year that my husband really started taking his recovery seriously by keeping in constant contact with his sponsor, his SAA buddies, and going to meetings, even if the meetings were over the phone. It was the year I was fired from my full time job because I was so emotionally distraught over everything that I kept making stupid mistakes. Despite the fact that I was fired, my employers wanted me to collect unemployment and so they made it so that I was laid off. I also work per-diam for them now under the table. They actually missed me and told me firing me was like firing family. I am thankful for their generosity. 2014 was the year I put all of my concentration on my grad school studies, and finding a site to do my practicum hours as I get closer to becoming a Clinical Mental Health Counselor. I still went to my CoSA meetings when I could, but kept in touch with my CoSA girls via email and text because they are the most amazing women I know. 2014 was the year I let myself heal because I needed to. I wanted to let go of all of the hate and resentment I felt towards my husband's actions. I wanted to do that. It has definitely been a work in progress.

2015 is my year of reconciliation. It is the year for more healing and the year I forgive myself. Through forgiving myself I can forgive my husband because I love him very much and I know for a fact that he loves me because of his actions. Since his disclosure he has worked very hard for his recovery. He has done it for himself, which is more appreciated than you can ever know because it means he wasn't pressured by me. It means he knew that he needed help. It means he knew that he was powerless in regards to his addiction. He knew that. Honesty has been something that we both keep up no matter how painful it is. He isn't perfect, neither am I. So 2015 is the year of reconciliation for me. Forgiving myself.

Live in acceptance and Power.

Ami

My doormat card expired the day of his disclosure...
-----------------------------------

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

posts: 41   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2014
id 7067232
default

Johnnyfever ( Member #44827) posted at 6:35 PM on Monday, January 19th, 2015

I just wanted to post a positive story on here, we still have a long road ahead but I have hope. I guess it's not so much a story but just how I feel about my relationship and my wife right now.

My wife has done everything right since our final DDay, she has read multiple books, she lets me vent, she answers my questions with brutal honesty (I only use the word brutal to convey that she is honest even though it is difficult for me to handle the truth sometimes, she doesn't tell little white lies to make it seem not so bad, and I appreciate this from her). She has made good on her promise of NC. She has made me feel like I am the centre of her world. She has shown me so much love and kindness and I believe she is truly remorseful. Right now I feel I have the wife and relationship I have always wanted and I could not ask for anything more. I know that this has been a very difficult process for her and I know that she has had to look inside herself and it has been difficult for her to see the pain she caused but I know she is committed to R with me and I know she is where she wants to be.

The opinion expressed above is just that, an opinion based on my experience. Please take what you like and leave the rest

posts: 617   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2014   ·   location: Cincinnati, Ohio
id 7084725
default

Katz13 ( Member #41886) posted at 5:35 AM on Sunday, February 1st, 2015

It has been 13 months since my Dday. It has taken this long for me to post here and consider our story a positive one to share. I still feel all the emotions on a daily basis and I thank God, my son and my job for keeping me sane and out of jail. I have read posts on here throughout when I felt alone in my grief. I followed the advice on this site and took our relationship on a day to day basis not putting any pressure on myself to make a decision. It helped alleviate some of the anxiety and made me feel in control.

My fwh has been going with me to mc since the week after dday. It has been an experience to say the least. This hell ride has made him a better father and husband. He used to have very little patience with anything that wasn't about him. Now he is gentle, present, and giving. It hasn't been smooth sailing throughout but I think this ship will float. He is a different and better person that is putting forth the work and effort. His focus is on our happiness and what I need. I hope it continues.

I want to thank the brave, giving people on SI especially those people who made me laugh through the tears. To the people who newly find themselves amongst us in this crappy club, this isn't a life sentence. I wish you happiness no matter what you decide but please know that if the wayward do what they are obligated to do, you can find yourself in a good place. Now I need my margarita!

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: USA
id 7100585
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 2:59 PM on Friday, February 6th, 2015

Last week I was changing the sheets on our bed. I realized that the sheets I had picked out to put on the bed had not been on our bed since before my FWH left to go overseas. I thought to myself that the last time we lay on these sheets...I had a faithful husband .

I then started thinking more on this. My FWH had joined Tagged a few months BEFORE he left to go overseas where he had his A. I had to take care of some family business and was gone from our house for about 3 weeks. It was during this time that he started looking for No Strings Attached sex with strangers. He checked out CraigsList...but wanted to try and hook up with "regular" women. He liked the challenge of seeing if he could get someone to agree to have sex with a stranger...not just someone looking to have sex with a stranger.

I grew even more sad thinking about how my FWH was already looking for NSA sex...fantasizing about this with strangers...yet I was ignorant about it the whole time. Then it dawned on me...my FWH IS faithful...NOW . I was living in a false world in the past. Although my world has been changed forever...it is now a more realistic world...a more true world. I only THOUGHT my FWH was faithful before...I KNOW it now .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 7107449
default

Mr20Paws ( Member #10027) posted at 2:23 PM on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2015

Yesterday was my 10 year D-Day date. Yikes!

Incredibly uneventful, but even so, it was on my mind. I think I'll always remember the details of my D-Day, and its anniversary. My wife didn’t mention anything about it. She may have remembered, but chose not to say anything. She’s put all of this behind her long ago, and we haven’t spoken of the affairs for many years now. At ten years out, I'm OK with that.

I don’t follow SI any more these days. I haven’t posted in years. But this site helped me tremendously in the first few years, and I’m forever grateful to the participants that stick around to provide their help and wisdom. So, I’m just trying to give back a little here.

A few years ago, on my year seven D-Day date, I posted some comments about my years of SI wisdom. I got lots of positive responses, and I think it’s helpful for SI folks to know that it’s possible to emerge from this. So I updated them and reposted below. Apologies for the length.

Ten Year Thoughts…

If you’re reading this, then I’m sorry that you’re here on SI. I never wanted to, or thought I’d ever, be here either.

Conventional wisdom often says that it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. You can put me on the 5 year end of that spectrum - actually even longer. Affairs were a marriage deal-breaker for me, and it's taken me a very long time to try and get my head around the fact that our marriage could continue in the face of this. Not a single day has gone by when I haven't thought about my wife's affairs. I really hate that, but I’ve gotten used to it. Affair reminders are everywhere and mostly unavoidable – tv shows, music, politics. But the “sting” isn’t strong at all, now that our joint effort (and lots of time) has helped to heal things.

Anyhow, I thought I'd share a few thoughts, based on my ten years of accumulated "wisdom". Nothing too detailed or thought-provoking, but perhaps something here may help someone who is early on in this journey. This is my experience - Your mileage will vary.

After learning of my wife's affairs, here are some things that I/we did wrong:

- I didn't find the SI website until 9 months after D-Day. If you got here right away, you're better off already. Use it.

- I should have written more – journaling or whatever. Writing is cathartic, even if you don't do anything with the end product. I was too dumbstruck to even know where to start. If nothing else, consider doing more writing on SI.

- I waited nearly a year before asking her to write No-Contact letters. I thought NC would be more or less implied after she admitted to the affairs. Our recovery was much messier and harder than necessary because I waited. Don’t wait.

- My wife thought she could remain friends with her last AP - they worked together, even after the affairs became known. I should have made this a deal-breaker, but I was too confused to take a strong stand. Take a stand and make it clear.

- I should have contacted her first AP's wife. He kept chatting up my wife afterwards for over a year, and I could have used some outside assistance. I know that this is an often debated point, but it would have helped me.

To balance things out, here are some of the things that I/we did right:

- I had my wife's cell phone # changed right away. I checked her call log and text messages, and even email. There’s no shame in this, given what’s happened. Transparency is key. Eventually, you’ll stop checking up.

- We both read the "After the Affair" and "Not Just Friends" books and discussed them together. Awkward, but necessary.

- I got individual counseling for about 6 months. I needed a safe place to vent.

- I insisted that my wife get individual counseling. I felt it was important that she understand why this had happened. Once she did this, I asked her to write down what she had learned about herself. I still have her note.

- We spent a ton of time talking about what happened, for a long time. It was done mostly calmly and rationally (neither of us are high-drama people). Make sure that you listen.

- I promised myself that I wouldn't make any stay/go decision for at least a year. I realized that I needed time to get past the confusion, doubts, etc.

- We entrusted my MIL for help. I knew she would be firm, but not harshly judgmental toward my wife. I really needed her help to get my wife out of the initial "fog".

- We kept the damage contained. Our two kids (who were teenagers at the time) still do not know. Only my MIL and our Pastor know. This was very challenging though.

- Keep busy, focus on doing whatever it is that takes your mind off the affair. You’ll be thinking about it way too much, and your mind will need a break.

- I took care of myself physically. Continued to exercise daily and eat well. I wasn't sleeping too well for a couple of years, but I kept to a steady routine, and that helped me keep focused. I even learned yoga – try it!

Finally, here are some parting thoughts, for how to make it to ten years of R without losing your sanity:

- Make your marriage a priority in your lives. Keep a united front against anyone/anything that would have you do otherwise. Look together in the same direction.

- What happened wasn’t your fault. As a BS, you have a role in fixing the problem, but you didn’t cause the infidelity. Remember this.

- You’re now in a club that you didn’t want to join. It wasn’t your choice. But you’ll have to somehow learn to accept that. Bad things will happen in our lives. This one really sucks.

- You might end up doing more “heavy lifting” during the R period than you expected. It’s unfair, but be prepared.

- Happiness is within your grasp. You will have to define it.

- Control is an illusion. You can't control what someone else thinks, feels, or does. But you can control your own thoughts and actions, and how you react to that person.

- Remorse is essential. I don't know how you can reconcile without a remorseful partner. Personally, I wouldn’t even try.

- Take the high road. It's easy to "beat up" your partner about what happened for a long, long time. Try not to. It will become destructive.

- Forgiveness is very hard. I've tried to do it in stages. I don't think I'll ever get to full forgiveness, but I'm at peace with that. Don’t think of forgiveness as an all-or-nothing. Also, think of forgiveness as a gift that you give yourself.

- You'll never look at your WS the same way as before the affairs. Unfortunate, but true. Try instead to focus on the positives, like what made you come together in the first place. Choose to forgive your WS all over again, every day, if that’s what it takes. I see her differently now, but my wife is still my one and only love and my best friend.

- Life is short – love fearlessly and forgive gracefully.

- It takes time. Lots of time. Be patient. Take it one day at a time. You can’t rush things. All those cliches – they’re all true here.

- You'll begin to heal when you make the transition from victim to survivor. Be a survivor!

- Good luck!

Me: BS 52; She: FWS 53
Married: 30 years (HS sweethearts)
Children: D 27, S 25, 1 dog
D-Week: 03/01/2005 - 03/08/2005
2 PAs and 2 EAs 04/2003 - 03/2005
R'd but it took a long time

posts: 60   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2006
id 7136927
default

outthere ( Member #45990) posted at 6:35 PM on Wednesday, March 4th, 2015

It has been 1 yr and 29 days since the A.

Many questions loom in my mind about if I will forgive and be able to trust someday? Will I stop worrying he is cheating and stop checking on him even though it seems he has been faithfull now? When will I be over this or will I even get over this? How long is too long to hold on to this?

When will I be able to be happy in a momment and not worry that trouble lurks around the corner?

I am sure these are all questions that some of you have thought of too.

Your stories help me to believe reconciliation can really happen and your marriage can turn out better! Sometimes on my bad days when I am really low and wondering if I was crazy to stay with him, I can think of these stories. So thank you all! I really needed some positive outlooks.

posts: 99   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2014
id 7138576
default

looking forward ( Member #25238) posted at 9:38 PM on Sunday, March 15th, 2015

We are less than one month away from 6 years post DDay. We still struggle, especially my H.

Holding on tighter.....

It takes time. Lots of time. Be patient. Take it one day at a time. You can’t rush things.

[This message edited by looking forward at 3:42 PM, March 15th (Sunday)]

Together 53+ years, Married 49 years. Sober since 2009. "You've always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself." (The Wizard of Oz)

posts: 3588   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2009   ·   location: Where a river runs through it 🇨🇦
id 7151385
default

Johnnyfever ( Member #44827) posted at 4:06 AM on Tuesday, March 17th, 2015

Looking Forward, I love your message and I love the picture. Thanks for posting this part of your story.

I wanted to share something that happened today. We were heading up north for a ski vacation with the kids, so many stressful moments on a 5 hour trek with the kids crammed in a Jeep, we could have taken my wife's larger SUV with better gas mileage, more room for everyone and just an all around more comfortable drive but my wife know I love driving it so she endulges me.

Anyways like I said tons of opportunities for stressful "yell at the kids" moments but we handled any obstacles calmly and as a team which was so nice. Nothing special really, the way we should have been with each other for years but it was nice. There was a moment where we were holding hands and she rubbed my hand with her finger, likely just moving to be more comfortable but when she did I felt a spark, the spark I used to feel when we just starting out dating. The spark you feel when you are falling in love, what a great feeling.

I just realized I should have shared this with her also, to late to wake her up but I will tell her in the morning.

The A sucked, it was so painful but now that we are in R I have my real authentic wife and I am so happy.

The opinion expressed above is just that, an opinion based on my experience. Please take what you like and leave the rest

posts: 617   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2014   ·   location: Cincinnati, Ohio
id 7152860
default

Tserpsa ( New Member #45018) posted at 4:47 PM on Monday, March 23rd, 2015

Wow it has been 7 months and I never thought we would find ourselves in a good place again let alone this soon. His affair was 40 years long spanning 3 marriages (inc ours). I was devastated. We have been to both couples and singles counseling, had a large wedding for our child and lost his mother since that August day. Through all of this we have become closer than we were before. The councilors feel that the issue for him is much deeper than sex and goes back to his early years. While this is not an excuse it gives us some hope of a real behavior change. We have a very long way to go, but when this first happened I think I would have died, had I not found this forum. Just know there must be others out there that are suffering from a VERY LONG term affair and want you to know there is hope!

TSERPSA
Me: mid 50's
WH: late 60's
EMA: 17 years
DDAY: 8/12/14
LTA: 40 years

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 26th, 2014
id 7160253
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 3:35 PM on Thursday, March 26th, 2015

Ooooo...some NICE stories since I visited last...and a cool picture too! Thanks for sharing...I wish more people would share their positive stories in this thread...but there are MANY I've seen in the forum that have given me hope !!

My FWH and I have made some GREAT strides in R... and my mantra is..."I will OWN this A" . For ME...this is a way to heal. I have mentioned it many times on this site and my FWH is well aware of it too!

On March 25th...my FWH texted me and insisted that I meet him at a particular restaurant for lunch. I was pretty busy that morning and would have liked to have done other things instead...but it was so important for HIM that I meet him at this place...so I went along with his wishes.

It isn't much of a restaurant...a little hole in the wall place actually. It is only open a few hours for lunch and on Friday evenings...but it is a place we had talked about going to and yet had never managed to make it happen before because of the unusual hours it was open. For some reason though...my FWH HAD to go on this day.

I arrived first and was seated when my FWH walked in. He was beaming from ear to ear ...something was up!! After the waitress took our order my FWH grabbed my hands in his and whispered, "You OWN the 25th"!! I looked at him puzzled...and told him I already OWNED this day because 4 months earlier I was gifted with a very special necklace from him. Even though the 25th was a trigger for me...I had this special gift to make it a happy thought too. Soon after...I realized the SIGNIFICANCE in THIS restaurant...and when my FWH saw the reaction...he KNEW he helped me to really OWN this day!!

10 months earlier...on May 25th...while he was overseas...my FWH took the OW to a specialty restaurant. It was a restaurant that WE had planned to go to...but I had to leave that country earlier than expected due to family obligations back in the states. They had spent their first night together on the 24th of May...and were going out to eat breakfast. This restaurant was the first one they saw that was open. At the time I was very happy to know my FWH had been able to go to this particular restaurant. He had taken pictures of the inside...and told me about what the waitress had mentioned about it. He gave so many details it was like I was there...except of course...he left one detail out . After DDay...when I found out he wasn't alone at this restaurant...the pain was horrible . It was something THEY shared...a NEW experience...and it was on the 25th. It is just one of the things that I have to accept. It happened...we can't change it...and I could either deal with it...or wallow in it. I chose to OWN it...and I still have a lovely reminder of the 25th still hanging around my neck .

However...NOW...I have a NEW specialty restaurant experience that WE share on the 25th. THIS particular restaurant is even more special...because my beloved Mama raved about it when she ate there a couple of times. She passed away over 20 years ago...and I always thought about how nice it would be to eat at this place...where she enjoyed being . Not only that...but I also have the knowledge that my FWH thought about the significance and wanted ME to OWN it . My FWH is actually planning a very memorable vacation for US during these horrible trigger days that will be coming up in just two months...and these particular days have been on his mind a lot recently. I don't know what the plans are...but I know we won't be in this town during the 25th...and it is very thoughtful of my FWH to have me OWN this date in this way!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 7164124
default

psychmom ( Member #47498) posted at 7:13 PM on Friday, April 10th, 2015

I hope to one day return and provide an update to this story. It has only been 7 months since I discovered my husband's affairs (2 in a 12-month period). Prior to that time our marriage had been rocky, but not unlike many others where 2 professional parents are raising 2 daughters and simply grew apart from one another. We were no longer friends, and while my emotional needs were met through our daughters, my parents, friends; my husband was feeling left out and eventually sought friendship from a young woman from his office who was just a few years older than our oldest daughter (he was in his late 40s, she her early 20s). That emotional affair was the start of things for him. I eventually discovered the extent of his "friendship" with her on Sept 13, 2014. This alone created a crisis in me, and several days later he revealed that he had at one time felt "in love" with her, which really threw me over the edge. I raged and cried, and carried on like a crazy person. My reaction shocked him, making him realize that I cared for him much more than I had let on in many years. And in that time of chaos, fear, and anger, we agreed to work on our marriage and build a stronger connection to one another. Little did I know that at this very time he was in his 2nd affair. With all that was happening between he and I, he wanted to quietly end the affair in hopes I'd never find out, because he knew I'd probably never forgive him. One October 24, 2014 I discovered a receipt with a woman's name on it for a pair of shoes my husband has purchased with HER credit card. Odd. So I googled her and eventually found her Facebook page, which contained a picture of she and my husband dated the DAY OF OUR 20th Wedding Anniversary. The bomb had dropped. Another time of crisis as he tried to convince me that he loved me, wanted to stay with me, and was willing to do anything he could to prove this to me. I was nearly comatose, but continued to go to work each day some how, but was a complete wreak at home and anytime I had free time to myself to think. I thought about leaving or forcing him to leave, but he agreed to begin counseling, which prompted him to soon reveal that earlier in the year he had had a several months long affair with yet another woman. My world was crumbling down around me and I was feeling like a crazy person by this point. But during this time we were inseparable, crying together on a near daily basis, me raging at him and he allowing me to verbally bash him without getting angry in turn, and just hours and hours of talking and open communication about our marriage and his affairs, at times discussions so hurtful I thought my heart would break (details of his affair primarily). Yet as awful as this time was, it re-connected us in a way we had not been in over a decade. So sad to acknowledge that fact, but it's a piece of the puzzle that is essential to understanding our story. It is now early April 2015 which makes it close to the 7 month mark for discovery of the emotional affair, but only 6 months from discovery of his sexual affairs.

What have I learned? I've learned that I love my husband and that he truly and deeply loves me. I may never fully understand how he could have "done this to me", and I believe this will ultimately be my greatest challenge. I've also learned that the only way I could find myself here is the fact my husband has acknowledged what he did was wrong, expressed remorse and shame for his behavior during that time (including some midlife crisis elements of excessive drinking with friends, etc), tells me on a daily basis how much he loves me and appreciates that I've given him this opportunity to prove to me that I can again trust him and allow him to love me, and me to love him. The "good" days are coming more frequently, yet I have setbacks where my confidence is shaken and I begin to obsess about the past. With summer approaching I am becoming anxious, maybe because I envision him and the OW sipping beers on the patio at their favorite restaurant. But it helps for me to share these fears with him, and to hear his reassurances that he has no desire to revisit the past or return to the person he was. As long as he continues to show me his regret and give me the space and attention I need to feel secure during this critical time, I feel confident that we'll be okay. And in many ways, come through better ever. I know already we are closer than we have been in many, many years, and have made plans for a summer vacation to New England to visit the places we traveled to when we first met. I stopped wearing my wedding ring on the day I learned of his sexual affair. One of our plans is to find me a new ring in time to celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary on July 1. Stay tuned! :)

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: A state of unrest
id 7182447
default

Tootsieone ( Member #44734) posted at 3:30 PM on Friday, April 17th, 2015

Just back from a wonderful holiday arranged by H. Everything was amazing from the hotel to the service to the company. Yes my H made every effort we went for long walks, went to the spa, went for meals. He never left my side the whole holiday and on the last night he thanked me for not leaving him and for being strong when I could and probably should have walked away. H also said it was the best holiday we have shared in a long time. So I am keeping positive and he is doing the right things finally think we might make it. I am not saying we will not have a few bumps ahead I am not that naive. So to all those in R keep strong.

ME BS - 42
H - 47
OW - 56
A Started end of April 2014
DD 1 11TH JUNE 2014 (Deep in the fog) - False R
DD 2 3RD AUGUST 2014 SAME OW
OW Cousins Mum and ex-friend
R - Both of us working hard

posts: 200   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Northern Ireland
id 7190601
default

intheblinkofaney ( Member #45537) posted at 5:11 PM on Monday, April 27th, 2015

I know not a lot of people post on weekends and maybe I should wait til Monday, but I wanted to share this today with everyone. I may bump it a couple of times for Mondays people too.

WH and I went to supper yesterday and we had some brief A talk. Sometimes for me it is easier to talk in a public setting as I know things will be rational and not emotional.

When we got home WH went upstairs and came back down with something behind his back. He said he was going to wait til Sunday but he saw that I was down at dinner and wanted to go ahead and give it to me now.

WH handed a white easter basket filled with glitter eggs,my fav candy, and 2 candles.

I sat on the bed and looked at the basket. WH said please open the eggs. I didnt realize they were the kind you open they looked like decorative ones.

I began opening the eggs. The first 3 or 4 eggs had hand written letters. Promises to me from him. Apoligies from him. Things he was going to work on himself. Things he was going to do for me. Love letters.

The next couple of eggs had stuff he had printed on-line. A prayer for married couples in one. Song Lyrics in another.

There were 2 eggs left. The next to last one was heavy. I opened it up and it was full of quarters and a note. The note said I want to give you back your yard-sales.

(I am a BIG fan of yard sales. would go every saturday. I would collect the quarters in a jar and use those quarters to use to go to the yard sales. It was "my thing")

After d-day I have not been to a yard sale since. No joy in it, no collecting quarters. I was/am too sad and heartbroken to do anything anymore.

WH gave me back my yardsales.

The last egg I picked up and I could tell it had something in it too jingly.

(the day after d-day I took all my jewlery I had on to the pawn shop. My wedding ring and band. My birthstone ring. A right hand ring and my diamond earings)

In the last egg was all my jewelry I took the pawn shop. WH had tracked them down and slowly every week paid on them to get them back.

I cried. WH cried. I put all my rings back on except my wedding ring/band. I gave them to WH and said that I just could not put them on yet. WH said he understood and was expecting me to probably not put them back on, but he did not want anyone else having my wedding rings.

Happy Easter SI

re-posting here--thanks for the suggestion

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
----------
10-12-14 D-Day
3-24-15 Giving R a chance

posts: 727   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2014
id 7201842
default

BetrayedCat ( New Member #45004) posted at 3:55 AM on Sunday, May 10th, 2015

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I am moved by the apparent emotions and positivity of it all. I too am in R and have low tmes, but am functioning again and feeling better about our future. My WS is in AA now, self-identified, and it gives me hope that real change is possible. Good luck to all of you moving forward and staying strong.

D.Day Sept 14/14
Married 14 yrs together 17
Two children 9 & 11
False R, couldn't maintain NC
Dec 5/14 Last chance R.

posts: 41   ·   registered: Sep. 25th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 7215376
default

lmr1025 ( Member #47918) posted at 9:03 PM on Tuesday, May 19th, 2015

I am SO happy this forum exists. I am only 9 days post D-Day and suffering greatly. But these stories give me so much hope. They show me it can be done and done well. I'm just trying to hang on and avoiding that other forum as best as I can. Thank you for the support, this site has been a God send so far.

BW: Me, 28
WH: 32, bipolar (infidelity occurred during manic episode)
Married: April 12, 2014
D-Day: May 10, 2015
Limbo Again.

"To err is human. To forgive, divine." Alexander Pope

posts: 263   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2015   ·   location: Philadelphia
id 7225270
default

looking forward ( Member #25238) posted at 8:14 PM on Wednesday, May 20th, 2015

H and I are just past 6 years post DDay.

He is NOT a jewelry guy, but he knows how much I love rings and things.

In December 2009, he gave me a "promise" ring. That is the green peridot ring. I wear it as my wedding ring.

On our 40th wedding anniversary in June 2012, H gave me the 5 stone ring that I wear with the green one as my everyday wedding set. The five stones, he said, mean "I will always love you."

A few years ago he returned my original wedding set (June 1972), after a very emotional story on TV regarding a woman artist who had lost her set in Central Park. A garbage truck had picked up all the refuse and she and her husband tracked down the truck and the driver emptied his truck and they found her rings! I wear them occasionally for special events.

And just this past Mother's Day he gave me a beautiful antique brooch with tiny seed pearls.

Thank you, H. You are such a giving man.

I am truly blessed.

[This message edited by looking forward at 3:44 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

Together 53+ years, Married 49 years. Sober since 2009. "You've always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself." (The Wizard of Oz)

posts: 3588   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2009   ·   location: Where a river runs through it 🇨🇦
id 7226515
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210918 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy