1 year "Antiversary" and no tears...
I posted this in the Reconciliation general are first, but just realized, it really belongs here.
I was ready....ready for the emotional roller coaster to start up again, ready for the sobbing and the crushing pain, ready for the DDay anniversary devastation I have read SO much about on here. The whole week prior to DDay is really a mine field of mini anniversaries of "DDay precursors" and I was dreading it. I had talked about it with H numerous times, and in MC.
I had some trouble over the summer a few times(affair was late June until DDay Sep 20th)thinking about what was going on last year at that time. We have been working hard at R and I believe we are doing well. I haven't found one thing in the last year to make me think he isn't 100% in it, and he does everything he can to make me feel better.
SO I was really getting nervous, thinking about the date coming up. Weeks ago I started getting anxious. I began telling myself that rather than think about it as a reminder of what happened, I was going to try to use it as a "It's now been a YEAR, on WHOLE YEAR, every day on the calendar, since he was betraying me. After Sep 20th, I could say to myself "THIS time last year, the A was over. Then every day for the rest of time, I can look back and say "this day last year"...and there will be nothing to do with affair.
My H bday is the 17th and we were going to do something that weekend (20th, DDay). He suggested that instead we go visit our daughter at college. She is our youngest, and a freshman out of state. We were missing her, and so we went to visit for the weekend. I worried at first because I though I might be a total mess, and didn't want her to see anything. Then I thought that the 5 hour drive might be a good time for H and I to TALK. (The word "talk" now has 2 meanings at our house. The normal one, and the "you know what I want to talk about talk")
H admitted later that he planned the trip thinking that having something positive to distract me on this day would help, and I guess it did. I didn't even think about it being DDay until I had gotten up, gotten ready, and we were 30 minutes down the road. That probably wouldn't sound like any big deal to someone who has never gone through this, but to me that is monumental. I remember months of wondering if I would ever again be able to wake up and NOT think of the A before I even opened my eyes.
I though about "talking" on the way, but decided I really didn't feel the need so much, and I'd rather not get all upset before I saw my daughter. I did bring it up shortly before we got there, and we talked for about 15 minutes, but nothing major. I just didn't have the desire to delve into it.
So no tears, no sobs, no devastation. A sadness, and a desire to have the day be over. I think part of me felt like I was SUPPOSED to feel awful, and cry and fall apart. That seems to be what usually happens. But I didn't. The day passed. We had a really nice weekend with our daughter. It was non-eventful.
THIS TIME LAST YEAR - THE AFFAIR WAS OVER BUT I WAS A MESS. TODAY, I'M NOT HEALED BUT I'M A HELL OF A LOT BETTER!!