Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

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sassylee ( Member #45766) posted at 3:54 AM on Wednesday, April 11th, 2018

Bump

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 8138111
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:13 PM on Wednesday, April 18th, 2018

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8144517
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:24 PM on Wednesday, April 18th, 2018

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8144531
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minusone ( Member #50175) posted at 5:58 PM on Tuesday, May 1st, 2018

bump

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou

posts: 8353   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8154664
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PurpleHaze ( Member #63505) posted at 4:37 PM on Tuesday, May 8th, 2018

Bump

Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8159748
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Tesoro321 ( Member #63500) posted at 10:26 PM on Tuesday, May 8th, 2018

This thread is very helpful. Is there a way to bookmark it?

posts: 53   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast, USA
id 8160095
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 10:57 PM on Tuesday, May 8th, 2018

Tesoro,

You can search for threads in your profile. But this one gets bumped into the thread often. It’s is also in the healing library in case you need to find it.

LHAP?

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 8160127
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:29 PM on Sunday, May 13th, 2018

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8163982
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Tesoro321 ( Member #63500) posted at 1:53 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

What are some fair consequences for tt &/or minimizing of the truth & leaving out important info?

The only consequence I’ve been coming up with is speaking to an attorney (which is a last resort & not what I want to jump to right away). So what are some more immediate consequences that can be used in an effort to R?

posts: 53   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast, USA
id 8164400
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 4:01 PM on Monday, May 14th, 2018

Tesoro,

They can be varied based upon the severity of the violations. No sleeping in marital bed, Not living in the home, certainly one could be a polygraph. if your getting Trickle tell that is another. I had my wife write all of it out, anything she could not verbally say. Then I held her to an agreement if there was more she was getting a polygraph. to this day, the hardest thing I had to read but I have not seen any incongruence since that day.

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 8164506
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 7:45 PM on Saturday, May 26th, 2018

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8173307
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heartbroken_kk ( Member #22722) posted at 6:58 PM on Friday, June 15th, 2018

bump

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 8187371
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 11:42 PM on Thursday, June 28th, 2018

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8196451
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Skan ( Member #35812) posted at 7:41 PM on Wednesday, July 4th, 2018

bump

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 8200004
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 5:39 PM on Saturday, July 14th, 2018

Bump

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8992   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8206594
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:50 PM on Tuesday, July 24th, 2018

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8214042
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 7:16 PM on Monday, August 6th, 2018

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8223331
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BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 5:02 PM on Thursday, August 23rd, 2018

Bump

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4211   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8234800
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heartbroken_kk ( Member #22722) posted at 1:18 AM on Saturday, August 25th, 2018

bump

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 8235681
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heartbroken_kk ( Member #22722) posted at 6:09 PM on Thursday, September 13th, 2018

bump

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 8247021
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