Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 10:16 PM on Friday, November 15th, 2019

....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8468709
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:17 PM on Thursday, December 12th, 2019

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8481359
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Nolife ( Member #72136) posted at 2:16 AM on Friday, December 13th, 2019

My husband will not follow boundaries even when the the therapist says that’s a boundary. Like no drinking because he gets mad and punches things.

This is supposed to be a boundary too no talking about his feeling anymore from back then.. He keeps beating me up verbally with things that he thinks that were done to him to specifically hurt him. Things he says that he says occurred when we’re separated. when I decided to leave over the infildelity he had two years earlier. I told him before I moved out. I run into some friends from my past they invited me out. I asked if he minded he said no. Well I really didn’t have to ask because I was leaving him but I did. he did have a problem with me having friends I found out later.. When I moved out it got bad like him taking my spark plugs off my car. Following me around. He punished me for going places and when I left he looked at it as everything I did I was punishing or hurting him. If I went out with friends or went out of town with friends.i was aweful . He followed me told me he looked through windows to see what I was doing.

We finally got back together but he sleep with my social friend while we were separated and lied to me when I asked him before got back together. He lied for 38 years that’s 4 decade he took from me and my life. He imprisoned took my heart and soul I felt like I was the most unwanted women on earth. He also had an affair at the 32 Nd year all the while lying about the 38 th year affair. He still to this day goes crazy yelling in my face about how I had hurt him. For 38 years he denied wrong doing with his infidelity that I caught him in my home. I dealt with it for 2 years. He’s also mad because one day when I come out to collect house he wanted to have a talk but unfortunately I have friends waiting and we had everything set up for the timeline and I told her you would have to talk later he said that’s when he knew I didn’t care about him anymore. So he uses all the things I said in this plus the fact that day I had a previous engagement with friends to be the reason he hd his affair. Oh one other thing his friend was there with him when I stopped by And I’m like what’s up to you. What are the friends begin to be a smarty britches is it oh we’re going to go out and see if we can’t find woman to have some fun with tonight. Show me being who I am as I will don’t think I’m doing without because I thought my husband should have stopped him in his tracks and he didn’t so I was hurt. And a few weeks later I was dressed to go out I don’t remember what I was doing but my husband being a smart ass because who’s the lucky guy and again my mouth opens up who says it’s one. I felt he was picking at me but I felt If was doing something wrong he should have straight dead out asked me. Don’t play games! So now he says because of those two comments that he thought I was sleeping with a bunch of men. How can you get him to deal with boundaries I feel he continue s to St the same thing over and over. I’m bs he Ws.

posts: 69   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2019   ·   location: Florida
id 8481621
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Olwen1 ( Member #72320) posted at 5:47 PM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2019

So glad I found this - What is TT? And how does it impact with discussions on Boundaries?

I feel like everything is so fresh right now, when is it right to start the conversation. I think the initial shock has died down and WS is starting the road to R with me. Maybe now is the time

Me: BS, 37 F
Him: WS 33M
M: 5 years
DD: Nov 23, Dec 13
Likely SA: EAs, Chatrooms, Massage parlors, same sex encounters, etc.)

No children
trying to get through disclosure and basic recovery

posts: 89   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8484544
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shellofme ( Member #57133) posted at 2:59 AM on Thursday, December 19th, 2019

Olwen1:

TT is trickle truth, which is a nice phrase for LYING. It's when the WS (or FWS) trickles out the info, so even if there is no more acting out IRL, the WS still isn't telling the BS the whole truth. TT messes with a BS' brain in a very detrimental way for a variety of reasons.

I'm going to bump a post in R for you, so you can find it more easily, and also put the link here.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617809&AP=1&HL=57133

It's for a 2 episode interview on a podcast that I wish existed when I was closer to DDay, and considering R. If you listen, please post there and let me know if you found it helpful. If you don't listen, at least consider checking out the outline on the podcast's website, where the therapist outlined the stages a BS goes through, and what a BS needs to heal from.

posts: 252   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017
id 8484836
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Olwen1 ( Member #72320) posted at 2:03 PM on Thursday, December 19th, 2019

TT is trickle truth, which is a nice phrase for LYING. It's when the WS (or FWS) trickles out the info, so even if there is no more acting out IRL, the WS still isn't telling the BS the whole truth. TT messes with a BS' brain in a very detrimental way for a variety of reasons

Shellofme: thank you for this! This makes a lot of sense and my WS is definitely doing this right now. It explains why I feel like I'm going crazy.

It's like I find one thing, then another, then he tells me a new bit... It's like being punched in the gut over and over

I'll listen to the podcast later today and let you and others know what I think.

Me: BS, 37 F
Him: WS 33M
M: 5 years
DD: Nov 23, Dec 13
Likely SA: EAs, Chatrooms, Massage parlors, same sex encounters, etc.)

No children
trying to get through disclosure and basic recovery

posts: 89   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8484994
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:46 PM on Thursday, January 9th, 2020

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8493736
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:25 PM on Friday, May 8th, 2020

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8540572
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:16 PM on Monday, May 25th, 2020

and again

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8545645
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BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 4:21 AM on Tuesday, June 9th, 2020

Bump

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4211   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8549398
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heartbroken_kk ( Member #22722) posted at 4:10 PM on Tuesday, July 28th, 2020

bump

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 8567335
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tarnishedring ( New Member #35029) posted at 2:29 AM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020

Thank you for this wonderful post.

Currently working on setting the new boundaries in our marriage. (Not going to lie, the consequences are a lot harder, but definitely needed.)

I appreciate reading through all the posts and advice.


posts: 44   ·   registered: Mar. 9th, 2012   ·   location: USA
id 8578588
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:11 PM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8592998
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Chrysalis123 ( Guide #27148) posted at 9:05 PM on Friday, October 30th, 2020

bump

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie

posts: 6709   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2010
id 8603885
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 9:44 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8658601
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Lostinlife1 ( New Member #78864) posted at 2:06 PM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

Thank you for this helpful post. Boundaries is something I have struggled with. I think the WS just took them as empty threats. After years of financial abuse and repeated ignoring of my pleas to stop and work with me to make it better his behaviour just escalated into online infidelity and then physical affairs.

I wish I'd had clear boundaries and consequences. I wanted to stick with my marriage and make it work but after 12 years of continual ignorance of my pleas I am more damaged than I thought possible, and for that I have to protect myself and use my strength to move on and support my child.

posts: 21   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2021   ·   location: UK
id 8665822
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:31 PM on Friday, June 18th, 2021

bump

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8668214
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 2:26 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

bump

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8688270
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