Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

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Chippednotbroken ( Member #40170) posted at 2:52 PM on Thursday, November 7th, 2013

Can someone give examples of consequences please.

Me 34 (former BS)
Happily Divorced November 17, 2014.
3 young kids all under 9.
"I'm sorry you don't like my honesty. But to be fair, I don't like your lies."

posts: 592   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2013
id 6553468
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 2:36 PM on Thursday, December 5th, 2013

bump

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 6585194
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Simple ( Member #18814) posted at 12:56 AM on Tuesday, December 17th, 2013

bump

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

posts: 942   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2008
id 6600374
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nowiknow23 ( Member #33226) posted at 2:41 PM on Saturday, December 21st, 2013

bump

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6607109
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 6:18 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

Bump

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 6613710
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Jrazz ( Member #31349) posted at 4:23 AM on Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6620233
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Simple ( Member #18814) posted at 1:06 AM on Saturday, January 4th, 2014

bump

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

posts: 942   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2008
id 6623070
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Simple ( Member #18814) posted at 8:14 PM on Tuesday, January 7th, 2014

bump

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

posts: 942   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2008
id 6628414
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Simple ( Member #18814) posted at 8:17 PM on Tuesday, January 7th, 2014

bump

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

posts: 942   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2008
id 6628422
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Simple ( Member #18814) posted at 8:46 PM on Wednesday, January 8th, 2014

bump

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

posts: 942   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2008
id 6630447
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 8:06 PM on Friday, January 10th, 2014

bumpity bump bump

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18935   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 6633820
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brohl5 ( Member #13440) posted at 2:11 PM on Thursday, January 16th, 2014

bump

I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.

posts: 5674   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2007   ·   location: Indiana
id 6642069
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shatteredapart ( Member #41978) posted at 4:11 PM on Thursday, January 16th, 2014

Thank you so much for this post and for everyone bumping it for us newbies. I have been attempting to write out my marriage boundaries for a week now. After reading through this I have a clearer idea and now know I need solid consequences.

[This message edited by shatteredapart at 10:11 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]

Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

posts: 124   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2014   ·   location: USA
id 6642263
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ascian ( Member #40304) posted at 7:29 PM on Wednesday, January 22nd, 2014

bump

Me - BH 41
Her - FWW 38
D-Day: 8/13
Reconciled

posts: 363   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6651401
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Simple ( Member #18814) posted at 11:25 PM on Wednesday, January 29th, 2014

bump

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

posts: 942   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2008
id 6662555
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deena04 ( Member #41741) posted at 4:08 PM on Thursday, January 30th, 2014

This is helpful! Thank you so much for it. I need to write out my boundaries. We have made them known, but I feel a concrete, on paper version would be helpful to remind and just to see it down on paper. One question: as a BS, I can see how this is hard for some BS. I have high school male friends that live 300 miles away and we talk maybe once a year or send a Christmas card, that kind of thing. Is this saying that I can no longer have male friends period? I am never alone with them as I have boundaries already without even having to think about them in those cases. It sucks that I have to change my friends because of him!

Me FBS early 40s
Him XWS mid40s (lovemywife4ever), D
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
Free and loving life

posts: 3100   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6663466
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 4:42 PM on Thursday, January 30th, 2014

deena04,

Your boundaries are yours. They are first and foremost to protect you. many craft them different ways. I personally don't expect the expectations for the two of us to be different. If I am trying to protect myself and my marriage I have the same expectations of my behavior as my W. However, there are many that look at it that they didn't violate their vows and will continue to behave in any way they have in the past.

Example last night similar to your example. I have a good female friend from high school who is coming home. I would like to see her. she said we could do lunch. NOPE. I will see her in the evening as a group with other friends from high school male and female. Just protecting my marriage and letting my W know we are safe as well.

But in short your boundaries are yours...

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 6663537
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deena04 ( Member #41741) posted at 5:08 PM on Thursday, January 30th, 2014

Thank you! We have set up boundaries for WH, but I am also trying to do mostly the same. The exceptions being that I would like to keep those old, barely seen friends because WE didn't do anything wrong. My husband has and is always welcome to join when my friends come back to visit; it is never just male friend and me - never! I took it as though I just needed to end friendships with them completely. Thanks for clarifying!!

Me FBS early 40s
Him XWS mid40s (lovemywife4ever), D
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
Free and loving life

posts: 3100   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6663592
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Simple ( Member #18814) posted at 8:47 PM on Wednesday, February 19th, 2014

bump

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

posts: 942   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2008
id 6692642
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Jrazz ( Member #31349) posted at 4:45 AM on Saturday, February 22nd, 2014

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6696542
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