Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 6:42 PM on Thursday, May 1st, 2014

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 6781763
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AFrayedKnot ( Member #36622) posted at 12:54 AM on Monday, May 5th, 2014

Bump

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DsD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

posts: 2859   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2012
id 6785499
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norabird ( Member #42092) posted at 8:41 PM on Tuesday, May 6th, 2014

bump

Sit. Feast on your life.

posts: 4324   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2014   ·   location: NYC
id 6788056
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 8:02 PM on Wednesday, May 7th, 2014

bump

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18936   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 6789496
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mountainmomma ( Member #34388) posted at 9:20 PM on Thursday, May 15th, 2014

Bumpity bump

Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

posts: 180   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2012   ·   location: U.K
id 6800638
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 10:57 PM on Friday, May 16th, 2014

bump bump

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18936   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 6802311
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 12:37 AM on Thursday, May 22nd, 2014

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18936   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 6808461
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BlackHorse ( Member #43459) posted at 12:48 AM on Thursday, May 22nd, 2014

Thank you "tushnurse" for bringing this discussion back to the front where I was able to read and attempt to understand - and maybe use - if I get the chance.

Unfortunately things may already be too late.

- BlackHorse.

Not together long enough - too many long separations due to her continuing medical issues.
Me - Canadian.
She - American.
Both of us in our fifties.
D-Day - 04/30/14 (while she was away seeking medical assistance in her homeland)

posts: 82   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2014   ·   location: The West Coast of Canada
id 6808478
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 2:56 AM on Thursday, May 22nd, 2014

Blackhorse,

This applies going forward regardless of outcome. Welcome to the club.

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 6808608
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StillLivin ( Member #40229) posted at 9:33 PM on Saturday, May 24th, 2014

Bumping for all the new members that come here over a long holiday weekend.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

posts: 5955   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 6811548
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mchercheur ( Member #37735) posted at 3:40 PM on Monday, May 26th, 2014

BUMP

Me: BWHim: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011Married 31+ years/Together 32+ years/4 kids togetherOW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kidsTrying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

posts: 2685   ·   registered: Dec. 7th, 2012
id 6812803
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yearsofpain25 ( Member #42012) posted at 8:32 PM on Thursday, June 19th, 2014

bump

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

posts: 4517   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Northeast US
id 6841933
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Hurtingnnc ( Member #44284) posted at 5:20 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2014

I just wanted to bump this as I found it very helpful. I am really working on enforcing boundaries this week.

Me: BGF 45
Him: WBF 48
I have moved on.

posts: 411   ·   registered: Jul. 29th, 2014
id 6906935
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seethelight ( Member #43513) posted at 6:54 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2014

I am glad someone bumped this thread about boundaries and consequences.

These boundaries make sense but we often fail even if we identify them. This is because we don’t think about the other side of the boundary issue, CONSEQUENCES. Personal boundaries NEED consequences, otherwise they are not true boundaries. Consequences are the outcomes of a person’s behaviors. By their nature, they gauge the relative value of the behavior, because we as humans strive for positive outcomes or consequences. When dealing with boundaries with your WS, we as BS’s have the power to determine the consequences; we get to decide what is acceptable and what we will allow as a result of the behavioral choices made by our WS’s. These choices are never easy, but once made they need to be fairly static, and need to be communicated effectively so both parties are clear as to the boundary and consequence. You need to be clear about your expectations , for me we wrote a marital contract and put it on paper, I wrote them down and discussed each with my WS.

I think that is eloquently stated.

Not all consequences need to be dire, all WS’s will make mistakes in Reconciliation, if everything is a deal breaker then your doomed to failure. Your WS didn’t get in this predicament in a day, there are years of learned behaviors and coping mechanisms that need to be discovered and unwound. While discussing the marital contract you can discuss your values, why you have particular deal breakers and what messages are sent when violations occur. This helps you communicate to your WS your values, and the fact that your values are important to bonding you back to this Marriage.

Yes, not every negative behavior should be a deal breaker, only those that apply to boundaries that are breeding grounds for an affair

“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

posts: 1516   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2014
id 6907095
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Edie ( Member #26133) posted at 8:27 AM on Friday, August 22nd, 2014

Bump

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6384   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 6919488
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jjct ( Member #17484) posted at 5:01 PM on Wednesday, August 27th, 2014

Bump

posts: 7269   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2007   ·   location: texas
id 6925642
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trustedg ( Member #44465) posted at 5:19 PM on Wednesday, August 27th, 2014

Just found this posts, glad someone added a comment recently.

Very good reminders to keep the BS on track.

Me BWHim WH DDay 12/2012Married a long time, in R

posts: 2307   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2014
id 6925665
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Skan ( Member #35812) posted at 1:48 AM on Saturday, September 6th, 2014

bump

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 6936227
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yearsofpain25 ( Member #42012) posted at 9:30 PM on Monday, September 8th, 2014

bump

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

posts: 4517   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Northeast US
id 6939056
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UpInTheAirNow ( Member #37777) posted at 6:35 PM on Thursday, September 11th, 2014

Bump

ME 47
WW 52
DDay 6/13/12
Separated 3/13 and NC for my own sanity.
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

posts: 339   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2012   ·   location: NY
id 6942586
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