Newest Member: Hurt2016

Just Found Out :
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

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Skan ( Member #35812) posted at 4:00 PM on Saturday, July 6th, 2013

bump

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 6399020
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kernel ( Member #27035) posted at 2:48 AM on Sunday, July 14th, 2013

bump

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

posts: 5379   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6407241
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Skan ( Member #35812) posted at 6:22 PM on Saturday, July 20th, 2013

bump

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 6414851
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pmal64 ( Member #13551) posted at 3:00 PM on Monday, July 22nd, 2013

bumpity bump.

.:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:.
BS-me-55
WH -60
"when they show you who they are, believe them"

posts: 588   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2007   ·   location: down south
id 6416233
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AFrayedKnot ( Member #36622) posted at 2:13 AM on Thursday, July 25th, 2013

Bump

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DsD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

posts: 2859   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2012
id 6419895
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confused71 ( New Member #39530) posted at 5:50 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2013

So I'm working on drafting my boundaries so I can share them with WH when we start MC. I've come up with 3 lists and am titling them Expectations, Goals, and Dealbreakers. I have 10 expectations, 3 deal breakers (which would result in divorce), and 5 goals for now. An example of an expectation would be an ongoing commitment to MC and IC - weekly sessions for each. An example of a goal would be to deal with conflict head on instead of avoiding it. A deal breaker example would be any inappropriate physical, emotional, or sexual contact with another person.

Do these categories make sense, or am I breaking things down too much? Also, do I need consequences for expectations? If so, what would those look like?

Also, just curious what the general consensus is about working on R while we're still separated. Worried about the kids with him moving in and then possibly moving back out again if he screws up during R.

Me: BS 39
Him: WS 44
Married 10 years, cheated at least 7 of those years
Two young DS
Multiple DDays in May 2013, and still waiting for the next DD to strike
Prostitutes abroad and in our home, 2 long-term simultaneous affairs - 1 PA & 1 EA/PA

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2013   ·   location: The Desert
id 6425953
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HurtButHopeful? ( Member #25144) posted at 1:09 AM on Tuesday, July 30th, 2013

bump for livebythesea

Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

posts: 1735   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2009
id 6426648
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 5:23 PM on Tuesday, July 30th, 2013

confused71,

Sounds like you have a clear idea of how this might work for you. I think you need to articulate the consequences of not meeting the categories. The deal breakers are straight, but what about when an expectation is not met, what will be the result.

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 6427491
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Skan ( Member #35812) posted at 6:54 PM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2013

Bump

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 6433477
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kernel ( Member #27035) posted at 3:14 AM on Saturday, August 10th, 2013

bump

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

posts: 5379   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6442311
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kernel ( Member #27035) posted at 3:49 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

bump

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

posts: 5379   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6444352
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Phoenix9572 ( Member #39987) posted at 5:33 PM on Friday, August 16th, 2013

This is a very Christian based message but the heart of the message has been very good. I have found this very helpful as I'm learning that I have let my WH walk all over my boundaries and have not stuck up for myself in the past. I plan on taking the concepts in here to my IC and getting help with defining my boudaries and consequences to my WH.

Here's the link: http://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/all.html

Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jul. 24th, 2013   ·   location: Southern Indiana
id 6451094
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Spelljean ( Member #35624) posted at 2:28 AM on Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

Bump

WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

posts: 1037   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2012   ·   location: California
id 6455251
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Simple ( Member #18814) posted at 6:23 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2013

bump

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

posts: 942   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2008
id 6494810
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Simple ( Member #18814) posted at 10:05 PM on Wednesday, September 25th, 2013

bump

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

posts: 942   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2008
id 6500594
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hard_yards ( Member #23549) posted at 4:18 AM on Thursday, October 3rd, 2013

bump


I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2009
id 6509390
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HurtButHopeful? ( Member #25144) posted at 6:26 PM on Friday, October 11th, 2013

Bumping for maddmurph.

Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

posts: 1735   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2009
id 6519980
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 lordhasaplan? (original poster Member #30079) posted at 4:17 PM on Monday, November 4th, 2013

bump

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 6549328
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Skan ( Member #35812) posted at 7:08 PM on Wednesday, November 6th, 2013

bump

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 6552482
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Simple ( Member #18814) posted at 12:46 AM on Thursday, November 7th, 2013

bump

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

posts: 942   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2008
id 6552933
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