Love is a choice.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
-October 3, 2007
-February 18, 2022
~15 years in R, then it happened again, he wants to stay, I don't know what to do
My husband cheated on me with multiple women in the beginning years of our marriage. He is Bi-polar and have Anxiety disorder, with unfortunately bad coping skills. I've decided on an R after seeing his tremendous efforts. It took a number of years to recover which he helped me heavily in. Then, I was finally in a good place.
About 15 years from D-day, he told me that he cheated on me again with 3 massage parlor prostitutes (1 intercourse with condom, 2 hand jobs). About a couple weeks or so before he did this, we've been having issues. We both believed he was going through a mid-life crisis of sorts and he's confused about himself as an individual. He felt he lost himself so he started working out, singing again, video-recording his bike rides, etc. It didn't help that he ended up with erection problems and couldn't last no matter how much he wanted to. He communicated to me that he was even thinking of divorce. He felt the toxicity from earlier in our marriage just kept getting brought up, he felt slapped in the face about it even though he knows that wasn't my intention or purpose (e.g. I just had a trigger and I told him about it). Unfortunately, having come out of depression at that time not too long ago, I told him to please make a decision and choose to stay or go then let me know. He took this as me not caring about him and marriage is over.
He went into heavy bi-polar depression after that conversation. He talked with his closest family and friends everyone believes I've been verbally abusive to him (not just with this one incident but with the way I talk). He felt that I was mean and rude to him most of the time and that the last conversation showed him that I don't care about him. He felt he need to fall out of love with me quickly to survive his emotions.
And that's when he ended up at a massage parlor hoping to get massages to relieve his stress but ended up getting propositioned by the massager for sex, which he then let happen. He ended up going back twice more to that place for hand jobs, different women. He stopped when he realized how much money he was wasting for some bullshit.
When that conversation about divorce got brought up again a couple weeks or so after he cheated, I was able to explain to him what I actually meant: I'm not going to beg someone who doesn't want me in their life to stay married to me, that I had triggers of previous infidelity with that conversation,that I couldn't deal patiently with indecisiveness and limbo.
He realized then that he fucked up and went to IC. He was now left wondering when to tell me and he figured he'd tell me after kids are finished with high school. When he tried re-connecting with me, he said he felt dirty after having sex with me. His friend told him to see me as his friend, which he sees me as. That made him emotionally connected with me again, coupled with me trying not to be verbally abusive (maybe I was, maybe I wasn't, I don't know but I tried filtering myself). He went to see the doctor regarding erectile dysfunction and got medicine. We ended up having sex almost every day (I usually initiate, I am the higher libido between the both of us), talking, laughing, making jokes, flirting, etc. We felt our marriage are getting out of the slump and getting a revival.
Months later, I heard him talking so late on the phone with someone. A co-worker guy friend. I told him that behavior is triggering me. That's when he confessed. He said he lost himself and he needed to find himself again - he felt he figured it out. He proposed going on vacation by himself, going with just me, then going with all of us with kids. He wants to stay together and continues to plan our retirement in the future. He apologized and said that he will agree with whatever I want to do.
He realized he doesn't want to divorce - he just wants his vacation, for us to be healthy together (work out, loose weight), and me to continue being kind to him. He knows that my criteria was for him to be faithful and be my best friend. He felt that I am going to leave because he didn't meet my criteria. He knows he needs to wait for my decision. He thinks I should go on vacation on my own to figure out what to do with him and our marriage.
I don't know what I did that was so bad that my life is so full of challenges ever since I was a child. I felt like I can overcome this no matter what decision I make but I also think that giving up on life is also an option. I want to stay but I also want to leave. I don't know what to do. Having no one who I feel gets me to talk about this doesn't help either. I also know that my decision shouldn't be based on kids and it's not. I have good reasons to stay, I have good reasons to leave.
Anything you tell me may help. Thank you.
19 comments posted: Friday, February 18th, 2022