So I feel like my first post on SI belongs here, it was this thread that made me join after all but ... well I don't know IF I belong here. There is just so much fog and confusion over it all, after reading SI for months all signs are neon lit and flashing saying he cheated...sigh... Where to begin.
First the confession was done in sleep, he has never confessed consciously. More on this right at the end.
Married 15yrs, together 19yrs. This happened around yrs5-6 into the marriage so 8yrs ago. Killer is I KNEW, I just frickin' knew it.... but I also don't know it, not 100%, and that's what is messing me up so much you guys.
I should have left that first endless pit sinking feeling in my gut. If only I left at the first internal alarm "what would my life be like now"
I should have left when he started to work out, something he never had any interest in during the whole time I knew him. And when questions he got defensive about it. And when I wanted to join him it was a "work" gym so I couldn't join in.
I should have left when his clothing changed, his grooming improved. New items like ties and suits showed up but these expensive items were never reflected in our accounts (gifts? or secret account??)
I should have left when he checked out and was on his laptop and I'd only get grunts of recognition.
I should have left when his work times changed.
I should have left when he started to get soft in bed.
I should have left when my attempts past that where brushed aside with snide remarks along the lines of "you only ever have one thing on your mind, grow up".
I should have left when I found wrapped up gifts that never made it to me. (one was a giant box of chocolates, about $300 worth of box.)
I should have left when I found the burner phone in the car.
I should have left when I finally managed to find the time to sneak away with the burner phone and read the message that this person (was saved under number so never had name) was "so excited" to see him next and "can not wait".
I should have left when I went to hug him that time and he jerked back, and when I hugged him again he smelt different, not perfume, but not him (soap?)
I should have left when his behavior became erratic and dangerous to himself and to me (he went from the most cautious driver to having lost his license due to extreme speeding. He started fighting with me in new volcanic volatile ways over nothing, like he was ready to fight before he got in the door.
... and the nail in my doormat coffin was I should have left when he disappeared on me for a week, me not knowing where he went only he "wanted a holiday" and he would call me when he got to the "hotel" (ended up being a friends cabin apparently with no cell reception).... he never called... for 8 days. Those 8 days were hell and I was out the door almost daily.
He had changed almost over night, the first 4yrs of marriage were amazing, he went away on a business trip at the start of yr 5 and returned a different man, he was like that for 2 yrs. All those things I listed about when I should have packed and left, that was spread out over those 2 yrs, the pinnacle being the 8 day gap and during that entire time I was gaslighted, big time, to the point of him suggesting therapy to "fix me" because how could I "sabotage our beautiful marriage with such hateful accusations", and the sad thing is I started to truly second guess myself, second guess that constant anxious gnawing gut feeling, second guessing my reality.
So like a chump I stayed. But I knew it, deep down, but thanks to the gaslighting I also wasn't quite sure.... it was like I was 87% sure. His excuses, and there were always explanations and excuses for everything, seem legit (I never knew about sites like this all those years ago, turns out it's the stock standard bull-sh*t from the cheater handbook I had no idea existed back then.)
Anyway 2-ish weeks after the 8 day vanishing act he approaches me white as a sheet, his testicles feel like stones, we went to the doctor, we went to get scans, that night he was admitted to hospital, stage 3 seminoma, both testicles.
Here ends the life of the wife and the start of the caregiver through years 7-10 of the M. Won't go into it, those who have been through it know it's a baptism of fire you can never be ready for and it changes the M and it changes you.
Thoughts of uncertain-but-certain betrayal were there but how much of a stone cold witch was I for even trying to bring such a thing up?!! So I started forgetting about it, focused on him. Over this time he returned to the husband I knew, like within a month and then when it was bad it got worse, quit job to become full time career worse.
Truly I don't know how he survived and ended up in remission, there is still one mass on the kidney that is still being monitored every 3 months with a scan and blood tests but he got through it. Naturally him relying on me like he did, us becoming best friends (we were friends before but not to the level we became)... IDK... so hard to articulate how much more enriching my M became, but he has never loved me or shown love like that ever.
But, in the early hours of the cold nights, I always, at the back of my mind, I stew over those 2 yrs. Or I wouldn't have thought about it for months and a song would come on or a TV show would trigger something, not always about cheating, a ad on TV for soap used to remind me of that night he came home smelling so different, etc etc. I tried, truly, I thought "it's been so long now, the M feels strong now, he has shown so much kindness and love unlike ever before"... but I can't forget you guys, I've cried at myself in anger "why can't you forget" but it's not just forgetting I still feel those feelings... again so hard to put to words. Unsure if you get it?
Didn't know where to add this so I'll choose to add it now, I've gone to so many IC to try and get closure but, they're right, I'm being stubborn forgiving and moving on.
Fast forward 2021 and the questionable DDays... DNights in my case.
Due to the treatments my H has become unstable on his feet when he gets tired and he fell about 5 weeks ago now, hit his head, no lasting damage but there was some swelling and an interesting side effect has arisen from it, the knock has resulted in him talking in his sleep, apparently it happens when impact to this section of the head happens and I'm told it'll go. Unfortunately for me when he sleep talks he relives his affairs, from what I can tell there was three, two co-workers (small office, knew the women but he hasn't worked there for years now, we don't even live in that state anymore.) One was a young gym-junkie who never liked me, kick-to-the-gut was one of them was nice to the point of being a friend but she was the co-worker that he left as my H on that very first conference but came back a different man (he told me the co-worker was a guy, it was this woman) and one was and a random miss 3rd who I still haven't gotten a name but he "can't get enough of" her privates and he "loves having her p***y on tap in the cabin" (remember 8 missing days = cabin). I'm getting broken details but they're painfully graphic, hard to hear your husband bitch about you to a dream of a OW, put your body down and compare your negative parts to a mystery woman and yes unfortunately he re-lives acts to the point I had to punch his arm to stop it because seeing him move... nope... just I wish you never ever EVER go through that.
he still denies it. It's so frustrating!! He acts so hurt and wounded too. Sometimes angry "why can't you get past nothing happened?!"
I've recorded him and again he claims it's not real, he shouldn't be held accountable for his dreams and fantasies. Well hells-bells to that one. And yes he gets defensive about it.
Having said ALL of this, other then those 2yrs, he has been brilliant, I have never felt so loved before but... but.... IDK, 19yrs together this happened 8yrs ago, I'm p*ssed I'll never get him admitting it, it's not like I'll leave, we can R and I won't have this weekly, sometimes daily gnawing in my gut.
With no evidence but sleep talking recordings I truly don't know how to get a confession out of him, I've read enough posts on here over the past couple of months to know something happened, if his dreams are memory recalls then the worst did happen (even a pregnancy scare which ended the relationship with the gym-junkie... for me this is bad because we always used condoms, we as a almost 20yr couple, have never had unsafe sex sorry TMI but it's his thing, he is child-free and important to point out since the dreams are graphic so he wasn't so concerned about that with them ) ...
So yeah. I don't even know if I belong here TBH, just so much fog and denials and second guessing. But if it happened, it happened YEARS ago. I'm more angry and confused then raw and miserable like I was during that time you know.
More than anything, for once, I want the gnawing feeling in my gut to go you know.
Anyway thanks for reading this far.
[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 9:48 AM, March 14th (Sunday)]