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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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Throwaway999 posted 5/31/2020 22:07 PM

I cannot believe how crappy some therapists are....my WH went to IC briefly and I read an email from the IC to him. She thanked him for ďallowing her to go on his journey with himĒ. They only briefly discussed the A, her only advice was it may take me a while to get over it. Give or take a 5 year affair and lies for almost 10 years. Do ya think?

LoneTurtle posted 6/2/2020 13:27 PM

Visiting that therapist is one of the things Iíve thought about doing if I could time travel.

[This message edited by LoneTurtle at 1:29 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 6/5/2020 16:36 PM

Wow. Here you all are. I found out well after about my WHís cheating. I was busy working, raising our children. I didnít have time to keep track of him

Throwaway999 posted 6/5/2020 17:17 PM

Welcome....I hear you. My had be cheated on by his 1st wife....I thought foolishly that it meant we were affair proof. I also lived life not knowing he was leading a double life.

LoneTurtle posted 6/6/2020 11:32 AM

Unfortunately having been cheated on doesnít make them safe. My husband was cheated on in every relationship before me. I know he walked in on one girlfriend, I can tell that image still bothers him. So, why cheat on your wife who hasnít been with anyone else in 20 years? I found at after 18 years of marriage that he had affairs at 9 and 18 years, it had better not happen at 27.

Throwaway999 posted 6/7/2020 11:33 AM

I was definitely stupid to ever think that...or more so naive. I have a question, during his affair, he definitely ďchecked outĒ of our marriage. So I actually started to feel almost indifferent to him...now so many years later, I find out my suspicions were in fact correct and the indifference feeling is back and stronger than ever. I find I am so mixed up in my feelings towards him. I think I love him, but I truly feel flat and very, very indifferent. Does this mean I am just falling out of love with him? Or do you think itís my subconscious mentally protecting myself.

Did anyone else go through the same feelings?

LoneTurtle posted 6/7/2020 17:34 PM

My husband also checked out during his affairs, the first was so long ago I'm logging into both of our Facebook accounts daily to look at the memories for context. I am watching how he gets progressively bitter before the affair. The first time I was so overwhelmed with two teething nursing toddlers and sleep-deprived I didn't have time to think of an affair. He wouldn't do that, he loved me. Looking back I see a lot of his attitude progression was very similar the second time but I was more aware of the lack of physical attention.

I have had periods of indiference when he was so checked out that it was easier to ignore him but after DDay I jumped into the hysterical bonding within a few days. I have come to the conclusion that for years I have loved him more than he loved himself. I went numb on DDay he was in the middle of another affair at the time so I had(still) a lot of shit to process. I susupected the second one the first completly shocked me.

On a lighter note a time consuming biling dispute with your wireless carrier can distract you from being mad at your WS.

Throwaway999 posted 6/7/2020 19:56 PM

Haha...did the thing with my wireless provider last month. My middle son was working on an Co-op term for school when the lockdown started...so naturally he started working from his apartment instead. I just assumed everything was wifi and zoom...how wrong I was...he was phoning long distance. And he didnít have a long distance plan...so my bill was almost $1600 for one month! I had a heart attack when I got it. Some of his calls were $200 each. I spent hours on the phone pleading and they cut it in half for me...neither WH are working right now because of his illness. And my son is paying the rest.

Pain in the butt, and rooks hours on the phone with my provider but so worth it. Good distraction I guess. And now yard work is keeping me busy. But obviously I still have time to obsess over the affair....and how my marriage is ending. Just sad.

LoneTurtle posted 6/8/2020 15:35 PM

Wow l, I havenít thought about long distance charges in many years. I use fire as a distraction sometimes burning shit can be therapeutic but I have to be careful if I combine it with alcohol without listening to a book I start obsessing on the stuff I want out of my head.

Throwaway999 posted 7/25/2020 07:15 AM

Hi all...I guess I have been struggling again lately over my WH affair. My life right now is pretty awful. He is deteriorating pretty fast with his cancer. I have to care for him 24/7. I knew these days would come. And they are only going to get worse.

Any conversations about the affair are pointless, as he has cognitively declined so much. I am still so very hurt over his affair...I am 10 months out from the initial discovery. And I have had very recent other discoveries, which keep it all fresh. Yesterday I found his notebook for work from the time of the affair in 2015. Her address was there and a receipt for her birthday present he sent her. These were the last entries in the notebook. I threw them away. How could I have been so stupid at the time, not to really search for evidence of the cheating. I am very angry at myself...I almost stole those years away from myself with so much hopium.

His friend told me that he felt strongly at the time that my WH was cheating. He felt it was with multiple women...my WH denies this and says his friend is lying.

I am having issues with his moments of ďloveĒ...based on my ICís advice, I am basically allowing him to rug sweep. Itís really hard for me to allow him to ďthinkĒ all is good with us now. He tries to kiss me...and I feel like I want to recoil. Itís a very weird mixed up feeling. I want to be kind to him in these last weeks, but the hurt is so strong. And I still have anger. Guilt over wanting this all to be over. I donít want him to die, but having my kids watch all of this is painful...we canít heal...we canít move on. And being at the beck and call of someone who treated me so very callously is really difficult.

If I donít come fast enough to him...he gets short with me. I have to carry a baby monitor with me at all times. My kids have stepped up 110%. They are scared to have him pass at home. I canít move afterwards...or I donít want to move. We just moved here to our home 1 year ago. Hospice is almost out of the question any more. There are very strict rules and my kids would not really be able to be with him. There is a 2 week quarantine and then after the quad tine they could only visit him outside. Never at his bedside.

I know this thread doesnít get much action...but I just needed to vent my feelings and I didnít know where to put them. Finding out years later, truly is a mind f*ck....and also a long term affair is as well. And he even admits that he didnít have as much sex with her as he wanted. This all sucks.

Hurt1227 posted 7/26/2020 07:04 AM

I too found out years later...30+. Iím praying that you will find peace. Donít allow his actions to define you and/or rob you of your memories. Keep your head up!

Maximusdecimus posted 7/27/2020 21:18 PM

Throwaway999 -

I just want you to know youíve been heard and Iím thinking of you. I get everything you said and I can understand the terrible conflict of emotions you are in right now. In the midst of finding out about my wifeís cheating her mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I loved her mom and wanted to support my wife as she helped take care of her. The hurt and anger I felt towards my wife didnít subside and I just had to keep it to myself much of the time. It was not as difficult as your situation, but I get it. IĎm sorry you are going through this.


Hurt1227 posted 8/11/2020 09:42 AM

Iíve really been struggling lately and Iím not sure why. My dd was Sept 2019, almost a year ago. My husband told me that he cheated early in our marriage. Weíve been married 31 years. He says, he hasnít cheated since.
He cheated with women that he said he had no attachment to. He met these women in bars and paid them to perform oral sex. He met these women prior to meeting me. It appears that he met all of us in the same year. He continued these relationships throughout our dating and continued with one of them several years after we got married. This is the one that I really struggle with. He said, that he thought it would be safer with one person. Okay!!!
Here is why I struggle with this one.... longevity, he allowed her to stay over one night ( he says that it was only one time), he performed oral sex on her twice, said she wasnít clean and he didnít continue. Says, no intercourse or kissing. ďIt was just sexĒ. He stayed in contact with her for years. He says, there would be months that he didnít see her. She called him sometimes and he called her.
He says, that it was his belief that oral sex wasnít something that a wife did. Keep in mind we had a good sex life, so I thought. I did realize that oral sex didnít seem important to him. Now I know why, because he was getting it elsewhere.

Iím really struggling with the longevity of this relationship and that he canít tell me when it ended. I find it difficult to believe
that anything is that ďcasualĒ. I really need to know when it ended. Iím not sure why I need to know but I do. Can sex be that casual? Has he really forgotten this information? Can you see someone over and over and not be attached? Iím not sure what Iím looking for. I donít have anyone to talk to, so this is a way to release some of this negative energy. Thanks for reading!

Hurt1227 posted 8/11/2020 10:44 AM

Iím not sure if my previous post should be here or in the emotionless sex area.

Throwaway999 posted 8/14/2020 06:50 AM

Hurt - I know you moved your thread so I hope you get more responses from there. I wanted to chime in on the longevity of the A. My WH had an A that started as ďfriendsĒ, moved to sex, switched back to ďfriendsĒ (in his eyes) and ended in sex. This spanned about 5 years. Itís a tough one to wrap your mind around. Why keep contact for so long...when sex wasnít really on the table. His AP lived 1000ís of miles from us. But hereís the thing...itís about ego kibbles. They were getting something from the AP...maybe not regular sex that fed them for that length of time. Itís the rainbow unicorn fantasy they had built up in their heads. Itís exciting and illicit to hide...they fed off of that also.

Why did my WHís Affair last so long...he said it was because his AP kept calling him. Period. Now I know this is bullshit, but itís what he talked himself into believing. There was hope in his mind, she would turn into the love of his life. She fed him what he thought he needed. And I got the scraps.

Bottom line...,something is missing in our wandering spouses...broken. They didnít know how to make themselves happy so they sought out the easy fix from the Aís. And frankly, we are just collateral damage they never even thought about.

I am so sorry you are struggling...this all sucks. But you have been heard.

BlackRaven posted 8/25/2020 04:29 AM


I just wanted you to know that I think that you have more kindness, compassion and character in your little finger than our waywards have in their entire bodies.
I hope good things come your way soon and that you find some peace.

Throwaway999 posted 8/25/2020 06:55 AM

BlackRaven - thank you for your kind words. But I am no different than anyone else here. Our stories are always different but the underlying strength of each one of us is there. We all have faced the unimaginable...I read your posts...you are the same as me. In the face of alcoholism and sex addiction and 4 affairs...you are still getting up each day and fighting for yourself and your kids. That is the epitome of compassion and strength.

Marlita posted 8/25/2020 21:16 PM

We met & (I was lead to believe) weíre exclusive in 2008.
Got married in 2013....7/6/2103 to be exact.
Found out on 6/24/2018, that heíd been with someone else for 14 years!
Shit hit the fan.....he sobbed uncontrollably when he told me!
He was leading a total different life! And as a master manipulator, I was duped!
I lost my mind!
The man I thought was the ďoneĒ, my everything, my husband, my friend & protector had lied to me from the very beginning!
I feel like this has changed my entire chemical makeup!
Itís been a little more than 2 years that I found out.
I feel like the man who I cherished, adored, respected and loved, like Iíve never loved anyone else, has died!
Weíve been to therapy, both together & individually.
He swears that heís changed....(of course)
As of current, I still donít trust him, Iím not attracted to him & feel stuck!
I feel like Iím in an arranged marriage to someone that I barely can stand! Looking at him is a constant reminder of everything!
As a result, I donít care about him & cannot bring myself to forgive him!
I am the most minimal wife to him ever!
Iíve created a wall!
On the flip side, I have gained a sense of strength...along with more of a ďFUĒ attitude.
The more I see him, the more disgusted I become!
This is the ultimate betrayal & to think of how trustworthy I was to him, and all the effort he put in to constantly lie to me, has become, not my only an obsession for me, but just a complete blow!
No matter what I do, I cannot forgive how he misled me!
So now, Iím still married, I donít wear my rings, have blocked him on all of my social media & have given myself a free pass to find someone else!
Weíve become stagnant & I donít feel guilty at all!
Iím have my good days & bad days, but try to find other things that distract me to how much he destroyed ďusĒ!
Iím a good looking woman, strong & confident in myself!
I think the thing that gets me most, is that he once made me feel I was EVERYTHING & I believed it!
Now everything has dissipated & weíre slowly deteriorating!
I just want that special feeling that I used to have, for someone else who can appreciate it!
Iím checked out....until I find someone else who is worthy for my attention, love & my insatiable appetite for sex!
Can anyone else relate?
Itís embarrassing to even be married to a man I donít respect & it shows!

mrplspls posted 10/16/2020 10:19 AM

somebody suggested I participate here.. posted in just found out. Should I repost or will folks find my story by clicking my name? new here

Throwaway999 posted 10/17/2020 05:58 AM

I am glad you found us...sadly this thread doesnít get much action, but it doesnít mean it isnít a safe place....we are hear to listen.

Finding out years later has it own unique devastating effects. They have lied to you for years, the only proof is their word...and frankly they are liars. They minimize and no matter how many years have past...I truly believe they still go into self protection mode.

I got a lot of ďI canít rememberĒ and ďI donít knowĒ. These answers never sat well with me.

For me what hurts the very most about finding out years later...is knowing they stole our agency. Had I found out at the time...and had all of the information that I know now...my decisions about my life would have been different. My marriage and many happy memories were based on lies and feel tainted.

Please know that above all else...none of this was ever your fault. I think it is natural to think back about all those years past and examine your life. What I discovered was that all the issues in our marriage began when he made the decision to become wayward. He was going against his moral code and needed in his mind to justify his actions. Surely, it was not him...it had to be because I was such a terrible person and wife. Itís called re-writing the marital history. But, hereís the thing...I have thought back to those years....and I was in the same marriage. Didnít cheat....never crossed my mind. I gave him support and love...and he took it for granted and gaslighted me and lied.

I think given the length of your marriage...it is very reasonable to try to R. But truly that will depend on your WW. There are a ton of great posts and articles about the difference between regret (of getting caught) and what true remorse is. She should be taking the lead in your R...getting IC...stay away from MC for now....they will make things worse. It is not a marriage issue...your wife is/was broken. She should be reading books, watching videos, listening to podcast...you should not have to take the lead. Watch her actions...donít listen to her words.

Having said all of that...if my circumstances had been different...my WH just passed away...if he had not been sick...I would have divorced him.

Why? He was not remorseful. And even finding out years later...he quickly reverted back to his wayward attitude and showed me his true self before he passed. On a side note...I found out after he passed, there was multiple APís...he lied to his grave...he cared more for himself and self protection than any amount of respect for me. He knew if he had been completely honest about the other AP....I might not have continued to be his caregiver at the end. He was broken and didnít want to try fix himself or us even in the short time he had left on this earth.

Your wife is broken...even if the affair happened years ago...unless she got help to overcome her character issues...she is likely still broken. Something in her allowed her to be okay with lying to you for years and years. Thatís broken.

Remember everything you are feeling is valid...this affair is fresh for you and the pain is real and raw. Doesnít matter that it was years ago...for you...it happened yesterday...itís all the same process of healing yourself.

Not sure if I was any help...but we are here to listen.

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