Newest Member: CereBella

I Can Relate :
For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 4:07 AM on Monday, June 1st, 2020

I cannot believe how crappy some therapists are....my WH went to IC briefly and I read an email from the IC to him. She thanked him for “allowing her to go on his journey with him”. They only briefly discussed the A, her only advice was it may take me a while to get over it. Give or take a 5 year affair and lies for almost 10 years. Do ya think?

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8547389
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LoneTurtle ( new member #74454) posted at 7:27 PM on Tuesday, June 2nd, 2020

Visiting that therapist is one of the things I’ve thought about doing if I could time travel.

[This message edited by LoneTurtle at 1:29 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]

posts: 29   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2020
id 8547799
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 10:36 PM on Friday, June 5th, 2020

Wow. Here you all are. I found out well after about my WH’s cheating. I was busy working, raising our children. I didn’t have time to keep track of him

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2111   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8548643
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:17 PM on Friday, June 5th, 2020

Welcome....I hear you. My had be cheated on by his 1st wife....I thought foolishly that it meant we were affair proof. I also lived life not knowing he was leading a double life.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8548647
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LoneTurtle ( new member #74454) posted at 5:32 PM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020

Unfortunately having been cheated on doesn’t make them safe. My husband was cheated on in every relationship before me. I know he walked in on one girlfriend, I can tell that image still bothers him. So, why cheat on your wife who hasn’t been with anyone else in 20 years? I found at after 18 years of marriage that he had affairs at 9 and 18 years, it had better not happen at 27.

posts: 29   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2020
id 8548785
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 5:33 PM on Sunday, June 7th, 2020

I was definitely stupid to ever think that...or more so naive. I have a question, during his affair, he definitely “checked out” of our marriage. So I actually started to feel almost indifferent to him...now so many years later, I find out my suspicions were in fact correct and the indifference feeling is back and stronger than ever. I find I am so mixed up in my feelings towards him. I think I love him, but I truly feel flat and very, very indifferent. Does this mean I am just falling out of love with him? Or do you think it’s my subconscious mentally protecting myself.

Did anyone else go through the same feelings?

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8548949
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LoneTurtle ( new member #74454) posted at 11:34 PM on Sunday, June 7th, 2020

My husband also checked out during his affairs, the first was so long ago I'm logging into both of our Facebook accounts daily to look at the memories for context. I am watching how he gets progressively bitter before the affair. The first time I was so overwhelmed with two teething nursing toddlers and sleep-deprived I didn't have time to think of an affair. He wouldn't do that, he loved me. Looking back I see a lot of his attitude progression was very similar the second time but I was more aware of the lack of physical attention.

I have had periods of indiference when he was so checked out that it was easier to ignore him but after DDay I jumped into the hysterical bonding within a few days. I have come to the conclusion that for years I have loved him more than he loved himself. I went numb on DDay he was in the middle of another affair at the time so I had(still) a lot of shit to process. I susupected the second one the first completly shocked me.

On a lighter note a time consuming biling dispute with your wireless carrier can distract you from being mad at your WS.

posts: 29   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2020
id 8549009
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 1:56 AM on Monday, June 8th, 2020

Haha...did the thing with my wireless provider last month. My middle son was working on an Co-op term for school when the lockdown started...so naturally he started working from his apartment instead. I just assumed everything was wifi and zoom...how wrong I was...he was phoning long distance. And he didn’t have a long distance plan...so my bill was almost $1600 for one month! I had a heart attack when I got it. Some of his calls were $200 each. I spent hours on the phone pleading and they cut it in half for me...neither WH are working right now because of his illness. And my son is paying the rest.

Pain in the butt, and rooks hours on the phone with my provider but so worth it. Good distraction I guess. And now yard work is keeping me busy. But obviously I still have time to obsess over the affair....and how my marriage is ending. Just sad.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8549034
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LoneTurtle ( new member #74454) posted at 9:35 PM on Monday, June 8th, 2020

Wow l, I haven’t thought about long distance charges in many years. I use fire as a distraction sometimes burning shit can be therapeutic but I have to be careful if I combine it with alcohol without listening to a book I start obsessing on the stuff I want out of my head.

posts: 29   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2020
id 8549287
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 1:15 PM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

Hi all...I guess I have been struggling again lately over my WH affair. My life right now is pretty awful. He is deteriorating pretty fast with his cancer. I have to care for him 24/7. I knew these days would come. And they are only going to get worse.

Any conversations about the affair are pointless, as he has cognitively declined so much. I am still so very hurt over his affair...I am 10 months out from the initial discovery. And I have had very recent other discoveries, which keep it all fresh. Yesterday I found his notebook for work from the time of the affair in 2015. Her address was there and a receipt for her birthday present he sent her. These were the last entries in the notebook. I threw them away. How could I have been so stupid at the time, not to really search for evidence of the cheating. I am very angry at myself...I almost stole those years away from myself with so much hopium.

His friend told me that he felt strongly at the time that my WH was cheating. He felt it was with multiple women...my WH denies this and says his friend is lying.

I am having issues with his moments of “love”...based on my IC’s advice, I am basically allowing him to rug sweep. It’s really hard for me to allow him to “think” all is good with us now. He tries to kiss me...and I feel like I want to recoil. It’s a very weird mixed up feeling. I want to be kind to him in these last weeks, but the hurt is so strong. And I still have anger. Guilt over wanting this all to be over. I don’t want him to die, but having my kids watch all of this is painful...we can’t heal...we can’t move on. And being at the beck and call of someone who treated me so very callously is really difficult.

If I don’t come fast enough to him...he gets short with me. I have to carry a baby monitor with me at all times. My kids have stepped up 110%. They are scared to have him pass at home. I can’t move afterwards...or I don’t want to move. We just moved here to our home 1 year ago. Hospice is almost out of the question any more. There are very strict rules and my kids would not really be able to be with him. There is a 2 week quarantine and then after the quad tine they could only visit him outside. Never at his bedside.

I know this thread doesn’t get much action...but I just needed to vent my feelings and I didn’t know where to put them. Finding out years later, truly is a mind f*ck....and also a long term affair is as well. And he even admits that he didn’t have as much sex with her as he wanted. This all sucks.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8566390
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Hurt1227 ( member #71723) posted at 1:04 PM on Sunday, July 26th, 2020

I too found out years later...30+. I’m praying that you will find peace. Don’t allow his actions to define you and/or rob you of your memories. Keep your head up!

posts: 68   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2019
id 8566631
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Maximusdecimus ( new member #74924) posted at 3:18 AM on Tuesday, July 28th, 2020

Throwaway999 -

I just want you to know you’ve been heard and I’m thinking of you. I get everything you said and I can understand the terrible conflict of emotions you are in right now. In the midst of finding out about my wife’s cheating her mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I loved her mom and wanted to support my wife as she helped take care of her. The hurt and anger I felt towards my wife didn’t subside and I just had to keep it to myself much of the time. It was not as difficult as your situation, but I get it. I‘m sorry you are going through this.

Maximus

posts: 44   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2020
id 8567206
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Hurt1227 ( member #71723) posted at 3:42 PM on Tuesday, August 11th, 2020

I’ve really been struggling lately and I’m not sure why. My dd was Sept 2019, almost a year ago. My husband told me that he cheated early in our marriage. We’ve been married 31 years. He says, he hasn’t cheated since.

He cheated with women that he said he had no attachment to. He met these women in bars and paid them to perform oral sex. He met these women prior to meeting me. It appears that he met all of us in the same year. He continued these relationships throughout our dating and continued with one of them several years after we got married. This is the one that I really struggle with. He said, that he thought it would be safer with one person. Okay!!!

Here is why I struggle with this one.... longevity, he allowed her to stay over one night ( he says that it was only one time), he performed oral sex on her twice, said she wasn’t clean and he didn’t continue. Says, no intercourse or kissing. “It was just sex”. He stayed in contact with her for years. He says, there would be months that he didn’t see her. She called him sometimes and he called her.

He says, that it was his belief that oral sex wasn’t something that a wife did. Keep in mind we had a good sex life, so I thought. I did realize that oral sex didn’t seem important to him. Now I know why, because he was getting it elsewhere.

I’m really struggling with the longevity of this relationship and that he can’t tell me when it ended. I find it difficult to believe

that anything is that “casual”. I really need to know when it ended. I’m not sure why I need to know but I do. Can sex be that casual? Has he really forgotten this information? Can you see someone over and over and not be attached? I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I don’t have anyone to talk to, so this is a way to release some of this negative energy. Thanks for reading!

posts: 68   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2019
id 8572863
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Hurt1227 ( member #71723) posted at 4:44 PM on Tuesday, August 11th, 2020

I’m not sure if my previous post should be here or in the emotionless sex area.

posts: 68   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2019
id 8572902
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 12:50 PM on Friday, August 14th, 2020

Hurt - I know you moved your thread so I hope you get more responses from there. I wanted to chime in on the longevity of the A. My WH had an A that started as “friends”, moved to sex, switched back to “friends” (in his eyes) and ended in sex. This spanned about 5 years. It’s a tough one to wrap your mind around. Why keep contact for so long...when sex wasn’t really on the table. His AP lived 1000’s of miles from us. But here’s the thing...it’s about ego kibbles. They were getting something from the AP...maybe not regular sex that fed them for that length of time. It’s the rainbow unicorn fantasy they had built up in their heads. It’s exciting and illicit to hide...they fed off of that also.

Why did my WH’s Affair last so long...he said it was because his AP kept calling him. Period. Now I know this is bullshit, but it’s what he talked himself into believing. There was hope in his mind, she would turn into the love of his life. She fed him what he thought he needed. And I got the scraps.

Bottom line...,something is missing in our wandering spouses...broken. They didn’t know how to make themselves happy so they sought out the easy fix from the A’s. And frankly, we are just collateral damage they never even thought about.

I am so sorry you are struggling...this all sucks. But you have been heard.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8574077
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 10:29 AM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020

Throwaway999

I just wanted you to know that I think that you have more kindness, compassion and character in your little finger than our waywards have in their entire bodies.

I hope good things come your way soon and that you find some peace.

posts: 288   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8578661
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 12:55 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020

BlackRaven - thank you for your kind words. But I am no different than anyone else here. Our stories are always different but the underlying strength of each one of us is there. We all have faced the unimaginable...I read your posts...you are the same as me. In the face of alcoholism and sex addiction and 4 affairs...you are still getting up each day and fighting for yourself and your kids. That is the epitome of compassion and strength.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8578688
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Marlita ( member #72286) posted at 3:16 AM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

We met & (I was lead to believe) we’re exclusive in 2008.

Got married in 2013....7/6/2103 to be exact.

Found out on 6/24/2018, that he’d been with someone else for 14 years!

Shit hit the fan.....he sobbed uncontrollably when he told me!

He was leading a total different life! And as a master manipulator, I was duped!

I lost my mind!

The man I thought was the “one”, my everything, my husband, my friend & protector had lied to me from the very beginning!

I feel like this has changed my entire chemical makeup!

It’s been a little more than 2 years that I found out.

I feel like the man who I cherished, adored, respected and loved, like I’ve never loved anyone else, has died!

We’ve been to therapy, both together & individually.

He swears that he’s changed....(of course)

As of current, I still don’t trust him, I’m not attracted to him & feel stuck!

I feel like I’m in an arranged marriage to someone that I barely can stand! Looking at him is a constant reminder of everything!

As a result, I don’t care about him & cannot bring myself to forgive him!

I am the most minimal wife to him ever!

I’ve created a wall!

On the flip side, I have gained a sense of strength...along with more of a “FU” attitude.

The more I see him, the more disgusted I become!

This is the ultimate betrayal & to think of how trustworthy I was to him, and all the effort he put in to constantly lie to me, has become, not my only an obsession for me, but just a complete blow!

No matter what I do, I cannot forgive how he misled me!

So now, I’m still married, I don’t wear my rings, have blocked him on all of my social media & have given myself a free pass to find someone else!

We’ve become stagnant & I don’t feel guilty at all!

I’m have my good days & bad days, but try to find other things that distract me to how much he destroyed “us”!

I’m a good looking woman, strong & confident in myself!

I think the thing that gets me most, is that he once made me feel I was EVERYTHING & I believed it!

Now everything has dissipated & we’re slowly deteriorating!

I just want that special feeling that I used to have, for someone else who can appreciate it!

I’m checked out....until I find someone else who is worthy for my attention, love & my insatiable appetite for sex!

Can anyone else relate?

It’s embarrassing to even be married to a man I don’t respect & it shows!

Ugh!

posts: 55   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8579121
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mrplspls ( member #75665) posted at 4:19 PM on Friday, October 16th, 2020

somebody suggested I participate here.. posted in just found out. Should I repost or will folks find my story by clicking my name? new here

posts: 59   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Ontario, Canada
id 8598425
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:58 AM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

I am glad you found us...sadly this thread doesn’t get much action, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t a safe place....we are hear to listen.

Finding out years later has it own unique devastating effects. They have lied to you for years, the only proof is their word...and frankly they are liars. They minimize and no matter how many years have past...I truly believe they still go into self protection mode.

I got a lot of “I can’t remember” and “I don’t know”. These answers never sat well with me.

For me what hurts the very most about finding out years later...is knowing they stole our agency. Had I found out at the time...and had all of the information that I know now...my decisions about my life would have been different. My marriage and many happy memories were based on lies and feel tainted.

Please know that above all else...none of this was ever your fault. I think it is natural to think back about all those years past and examine your life. What I discovered was that all the issues in our marriage began when he made the decision to become wayward. He was going against his moral code and needed in his mind to justify his actions. Surely, it was not him...it had to be because I was such a terrible person and wife. It’s called re-writing the marital history. But, here’s the thing...I have thought back to those years....and I was in the same marriage. Didn’t cheat....never crossed my mind. I gave him support and love...and he took it for granted and gaslighted me and lied.

I think given the length of your marriage...it is very reasonable to try to R. But truly that will depend on your WW. There are a ton of great posts and articles about the difference between regret (of getting caught) and what true remorse is. She should be taking the lead in your R...getting IC...stay away from MC for now....they will make things worse. It is not a marriage issue...your wife is/was broken. She should be reading books, watching videos, listening to podcast...you should not have to take the lead. Watch her actions...don’t listen to her words.

Having said all of that...if my circumstances had been different...my WH just passed away...if he had not been sick...I would have divorced him.

Why? He was not remorseful. And even finding out years later...he quickly reverted back to his wayward attitude and showed me his true self before he passed. On a side note...I found out after he passed, there was multiple AP’s...he lied to his grave...he cared more for himself and self protection than any amount of respect for me. He knew if he had been completely honest about the other AP....I might not have continued to be his caregiver at the end. He was broken and didn’t want to try fix himself or us even in the short time he had left on this earth.

Your wife is broken...even if the affair happened years ago...unless she got help to overcome her character issues...she is likely still broken. Something in her allowed her to be okay with lying to you for years and years. That’s broken.

Remember everything you are feeling is valid...this affair is fresh for you and the pain is real and raw. Doesn’t matter that it was years ago...for you...it happened yesterday...it’s all the same process of healing yourself.

Not sure if I was any help...but we are here to listen.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8598836
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