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Wayward Side :
Things that every WS needs to know

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Blackhair ( member #39451) posted at 10:43 AM on Wednesday, September 18th, 2013

Bump!

M: 10 years both late 40s.
3 Children
DDay: April 2013
Legally separated on Oct 2013.
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jun. 5th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 6491358
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morethantrying ( member #40547) posted at 12:21 PM on Wednesday, September 18th, 2013

did anyone give it to the WS and what was their response...what about if it is already 8 months after DDay?

Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 57
Him: WS 64
Married 34 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

posts: 342   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2013
id 6491397
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selfishme ( new member #40659) posted at 3:07 AM on Thursday, September 19th, 2013

thank you so much for posting this. It has helped me see the ways to comfort my BS.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2013
id 6492561
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Simple ( member #18814) posted at 10:18 PM on Thursday, September 19th, 2013

Wonderful post. My FWH figured this out himself, thankfully, through reading various books, prayers, good friends, and on his own. I can attest that although not perfect in his implementation this is what my FWS had done and it worked. We are 5 years in R now.

[This message edited by Simple at 4:19 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

posts: 942   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2008
id 6493656
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conflicted88 ( new member #40793) posted at 11:59 AM on Friday, September 27th, 2013

I printed this out for my WS. He's sitting next to me reading this as I write I post. Thank you thank you to whoever took the time to write this.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Sep. 26th, 2013
id 6502664
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LosferWords ( member #30369) posted at 12:47 AM on Tuesday, October 1st, 2013

bump

posts: 31089   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2010
id 6506552
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SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 5:43 PM on Thursday, October 3rd, 2013

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

posts: 15429   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2010   ·   location: The Great White North USA
id 6509909
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LosferWords ( member #30369) posted at 2:56 AM on Wednesday, October 9th, 2013

bump

posts: 31089   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2010
id 6516198
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SpaceJane ( member #40303) posted at 8:42 PM on Saturday, October 19th, 2013

Just bumping it. I feel this should always be on the first page, as a BS I feel like all WS should read this. Thank you.

Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 6529934
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lloyddobler ( member #41050) posted at 2:27 PM on Friday, October 25th, 2013

Bump. Among many, many helpful things I have read, this may prove to be the most helpful, esp if I can get WW to read it. Thanks to jjct for pointing it out to me!

Me: BH, 40
WW: 38 (almost)
Married 11 years; together 14
D-Day #1 and #2: Autumn 2013
3-year old son
7-month old daughter

posts: 64   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2013
id 6536831
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nicjean83 ( new member #40959) posted at 5:35 PM on Friday, October 25th, 2013

WOW! As newly WS having a hard time understanding my BH ( He is not fully opening up to me we are only 3 weeks in) This was the best read I have found yet. I plan to put all the things i your post in action. I too have a hrd tim opening up. i was taught to stay emotionally shut down my whole life. So speaking my thoughts and emotions are not in my nature at all. Something Our MC is working with us on. tytyty for your post again!

Me- WS- 30
Him BS- 35
A- 1 month
Kids 1 age 6
D-day- 10/6/2013

"Just as night is followed by day,so to your dark times will be followed by brighter days"

posts: 23   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2013   ·   location: Menifee Ca
id 6537119
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SurprisinglyOkay ( member #36684) posted at 12:43 AM on Monday, November 4th, 2013

Bumpity bump

FWS me 38 (recovering addict)
BS him 41 AFrayedKnot
Together 10 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: 221B
id 6548665
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Oldernotwiser ( member #36408) posted at 7:14 PM on Monday, November 4th, 2013

I shared this w my H, he made no effort to read it on his own so I read it with him, later he read it alone. Never said anything, so I asked what did you think of the "letter" we read? He said he couldn't remember what it said, we read it aloud again, this time got the response- how long did you have to look till you found someone who wrote what you think? He said it's not his view of things. I feel betrayed again, he says there is no such thing as healing or working through this. It's a mind set to just put it in the past & move on. I guess that's how he managed to deal with himself for the years he hid the truth, just isn't working for me. Thanks for the great advice, hope someone does better than us because of it.

Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

posts: 85   ·   registered: Aug. 9th, 2012   ·   location: midwest USA
id 6549603
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TheBestMe ( member #39476) posted at 11:30 AM on Tuesday, November 5th, 2013

[This message edited by TheBestMe at 8:00 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 24 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive

posts: 508   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2013   ·   location: Inner Peace
id 6550515
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Deeply Scared ( Administrator #2) posted at 12:47 PM on Tuesday, November 5th, 2013

TheBestMe...

Your comment is extremely insulting to those in here trying to work through their issues.

Your H maybe as you described, but not the WS's in this forum..

Please be more respectful when posting in here.

Thank you.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

posts: 210060   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2002
id 6550562
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Oldernotwiser ( member #36408) posted at 3:56 PM on Tuesday, November 5th, 2013

Sometimes I think we as BS are in a different mindset about what we read. I found the letter expressed so much that I have felt, I thought it described what I would like to have from him very well. That is why I shared it, hoping to open an honest conversation. His response made me feel worse. Hearing that someone else didn't get a great response was good for me.

Yesterday I received an email from Affair Recovery which had a PDF on trust, I read it X2, got up my nerve & shared it with spouse, maybe it was the timing, maybe it was that the letter to WS having just recently been read, IDK, he actually listened, asked some questions & we talked! I discovered that he feels very unsafe talking, reacts with defensiveness because of this. All I have felt is closed off from the affairs, like he has secrets, he has felt I would take whatever he discloses and use it against him. So my hope is we are going to talk more with less fighting, more understanding on both sides and FINALLY make some forward progress. Today I would say- don't give up, something will eventually break thru the shell. Thanks to everyone on SI for making this a place where it is safe to feel what we feel, and thanks for any encouragement, advice & commiserating! We all need to know we are not crazy to keep trying. Sorry too long.

Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

posts: 85   ·   registered: Aug. 9th, 2012   ·   location: midwest USA
id 6550806
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SurprisinglyOkay ( member #36684) posted at 1:14 AM on Friday, November 8th, 2013

bump

FWS me 38 (recovering addict)
BS him 41 AFrayedKnot
Together 10 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: 221B
id 6554136
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TheAmazingWondertwin ( member #40769) posted at 11:09 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2013

Will ask him to read this. Amazing.

Just call me Wonder

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

The axe "forgets"- the tree remembers.

Divorced and super good with tha
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2- June something or other 2017

posts: 1251   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2013   ·   location: East Coast
id 6555254
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TheBestMe ( member #39476) posted at 1:48 AM on Saturday, November 9th, 2013

[This message edited by TheBestMe at 8:01 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 24 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive

posts: 508   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2013   ·   location: Inner Peace
id 6555396
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iwillNOT ( member #40605) posted at 6:17 AM on Sunday, December 1st, 2013

Bumping

Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every day

posts: 702   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 6580125
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