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Wayward Side :
Things that every WS needs to know

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miraclewithwife ( member #29016) posted at 3:53 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2011

WS chiming in…and amazed to be one of the 160th-something-odd replies to this post. HUFI clearly got a great message out to people hungry for healing. Thanks HUFI and all who had to do with boomeranging this information around again.

This is the first I've read Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse (UYBS) and I'll use this as one of the tools every WS needs in order to be a positive influence in the BS's recovery, as stated in UYBS. But I have some clarifications to make between my BS and me before attempting to implement all of the specific topics into our relationship. Maybe I could bounce this off a few of the vet's out there like HUFI...

Section 2: what else can you do to ease their pain and relieve their stress:

Spend lots more time with them

That may be great advice for some relationships, but I'm not sure its the best advice for others like my BS and me.

There have been times when I know I've spent too much time at her place because sometimes she'll trigger on certain things. Not all the time-sometimes...whether its on tv or a mind movie that came out of nowhere...there are definitely times that I know I've overstayed my welcome. And my BS and I agreed that we do miss one another when we don't see one another for even a short while. That's good news to people like me who want nothing more in their lives than to R with their BS's.

This topic is simply one instance that I have in question, but the ultimate decider is obviously my BS. I'm going to send this to her tonight and ask her to read it when she's up to doing so (I imagine that this is even more of a difficult read for any BS). And I'm going to ask her to edit and make any corrections necessary, in order for me to become a stronger, more positive influence in her recovery than I was two days before, and even yesterday--because I think that the true hope for many of the WS's out there, and specifically on SI, is for a FULL R with their BS's. And learning how to do so with the help of an IC is at the top of the toolbox where they should be.

I've learned a lot since my A, D-Day and after dumping the last of the F-ing trickle truth that plagued my hurting W for the last year. I hate that I've caused her pain. And I'm dedicated to becoming the best person I can be, and help her through all of her grieve, for however long she needs to grieve.

sorry about the tangent...

anyway, long story longer, for certain topics, it may be best for some WS's to request that their BS's read these messages and graciously provide feedback where they feel appropriate; where it makes the most sense for the strongest, most positive connection/relationship possible given the individual circumstances.

Anyone agree or disagree?

Me: xWH 34, She: xBW 39
D 2 1/2 born 3/2009, OC born 10/2009
D-day 12/2009, D final 5/11

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
~Jean Kerr, Mary

posts: 168   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2010   ·   location: mid-atlantic
id 5087846
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jjct ( member #17484) posted at 1:42 AM on Monday, February 21st, 2011

If my WS gave this to me to read I would have fallen over backwards bump.

posts: 7269   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2007   ·   location: texas
id 5090331
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angryBS ( member #31156) posted at 8:45 AM on Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011

This has made my WH change his attitude. WOW. There is now a glimmer of hope where there was none.

BUMP! All WS should read this.

BS- I recommend emailing this to your WS. Where my WS could not hear my words, he 'got it' from this. It can a M saver!

Me BW 37
WH 37
Relationship of 20yrs.
Married for 13 yrs.
2 beautiful kids, 5 & 8.
TT for past 3 yrs.
Latest Dday 20 Jan 2011.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2011
id 5092643
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sunningdalelad ( member #30823) posted at 9:51 AM on Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011

Because I feel that my WW doesn't know half of how I feel I have printed a copy and will ask her to read it. Hopefully the enormity of the damage caused will finally dawn on her and get her out of the lingering fog.

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2011   ·   location: England
id 5092663
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angryBS ( member #31156) posted at 12:36 PM on Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011

(((sunningdalelad))) It's worth a try. Good luck.

Me BW 37
WH 37
Relationship of 20yrs.
Married for 13 yrs.
2 beautiful kids, 5 & 8.
TT for past 3 yrs.
Latest Dday 20 Jan 2011.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2011
id 5092723
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stilllovinghim ( member #29971) posted at 8:05 AM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011

Bumped again for the newbies & for the reminder when us WS get too "comfortable"!

“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

posts: 1944   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010
id 5094680
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WhatHaveIDone?? ( member #30054) posted at 9:32 PM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011

Just re-read this again...I don't think I will ever be able to read this enough. Every time I do, a different part resonates with me.

Thank you HUFI for posting and thank you to all for continuing to bump this.

posts: 342   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2010
id 5096019
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fromthisdayfwd ( member #30634) posted at 4:51 PM on Friday, February 25th, 2011

I really hope they will put this one in the Library. Bump

Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.

posts: 444   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2011
id 5099207
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stilllovinghim ( member #29971) posted at 10:17 AM on Monday, February 28th, 2011

Bump. Bump. Bump.

“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

posts: 1944   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010
id 5103848
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SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 4:48 PM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

posts: 15429   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2010   ·   location: The Great White North USA
id 5108771
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healingmyself ( member #19481) posted at 11:21 PM on Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

bump

BS 40+
FWH 40+
LTA 7+
M 15 years
D-Day Jan 08
one beautiful gorgeous 10yr son
trying real hard to R!!!

I was so busy preparing for the tornado, that I didn't see it coming!!

posts: 1099   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2008
id 5111968
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Canteatorsleep ( new member #31205) posted at 3:12 AM on Friday, March 4th, 2011

Great post! I am going to print it out and give to my WH and hopes he reads it.

Thanks

DD: 2/12/11
Me (BS): 31
Him (WS): 32
Together: 13 years
Married: 3 1/2 years

posts: 21   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2011   ·   location: Hell
id 5112412
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ICarly ( new member #31415) posted at 2:13 PM on Saturday, March 5th, 2011

Wow! This makes me sad that I've caused some or all of these emotions to someone.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2011
id 5115039
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SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 2:28 PM on Thursday, March 10th, 2011

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

posts: 15429   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2010   ·   location: The Great White North USA
id 5124054
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stilllovinghim ( member #29971) posted at 9:05 PM on Tuesday, March 15th, 2011

Bump for the newbies and lurkers...

“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

posts: 1944   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010
id 5133128
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stilllovinghim ( member #29971) posted at 12:05 AM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011

“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

posts: 1944   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010
id 5144646
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Textbook Case ( member #24977) posted at 4:01 PM on Thursday, March 31st, 2011

bump

BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

posts: 2735   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2009
id 5159299
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plzwakeme ( member #30645) posted at 8:16 PM on Wednesday, April 6th, 2011

I shared this post with my WH the day he finally admitted to two more PA's. He told me that reading this is what motivated him to finally tell me the whole truth.

I see him now truly taking these words to heart, so thank you for them. I've been having a hard time of it since DDay 3, but just now when I re-read all of this and realized how much of it WH is doing, I finally felt a moment of hope.

Thank you!

Me BW 37, Him STBXH 38
Married 13 years, hoping to NOT make it to 14
DDay 1 10/21/10
4 MOW & many ONS attempts
Heading towards S/D NOT SOON ENOUGH!
"What the caterpillar calls the end, a butterfly calls the beginning." ~ Lao Tzu

posts: 574   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2011
id 5171456
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stilllovinghim ( member #29971) posted at 8:20 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2011

Go to the front of the bus.

“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

posts: 1944   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010
id 5181175
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outmymind ( member #31673) posted at 8:47 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2011

Finally a way to express! Thanks very much

ME-BS42 WS-37 last DDay 11/1/10

posts: 189   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2011
id 5181180
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