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Wayward Side :
Things that every WS needs to know

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obrian ( member #28871) posted at 5:07 AM on Monday, November 1st, 2010

Required reading for new SIers...and worth a reread for veterans too.

Me (BS): 38
Her: 37
Married almost 12 yrs (together about 19)
Kids: 5, 7
Dday: 6/22/10

posts: 119   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2010
id 4881616
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mumma ( member #29657) posted at 2:56 AM on Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

I just read this for the 4th time in as many months. It is so helpful. Helps me keep things in perspective, keeps me realistic, and reminds me about what I Need to be doing. Thanks for posting it!

Me: FWW (37)
BH: 37
2 little boys (4 & 6)
Married 11 years
6-wk. A over text & IM with two physical encounters (kissing) in last 3 wks.
I have caused unimaginable pain. I will work everyday to repair it.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2010
id 4885386
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worriedNow ( member #29320) posted at 12:15 AM on Thursday, November 11th, 2010

Bump

posts: 353   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2010
id 4900279
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1985 ( member #28171) posted at 7:30 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2010

bump again

Me-BH now 70
Her-fWW now 69 Still beautiful to me
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 5 grandkids

posts: 792   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest - large city
id 4903420
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kitkat22 ( member #29877) posted at 3:22 AM on Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

a profound thank you. I have just copied this for my FWH who is looking for direction on how to handle my mood swings...this will help. I love it.

Vanity Working on a Weak Mind Produces Every Kind of Mischief...Jane Austin

D-Day - September 3, 2010, 5:30 am
Currently in reconciliation and happy.

Married 22 years, together 23

posts: 416   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2010   ·   location: California
id 4908121
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TMqueen ( member #30043) posted at 12:58 PM on Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

I tried all of this and my BFF told me he just can't forgive me ever :(

Dday 11-4 TT until 12-6 - It's all out there.

posts: 65   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2010
id 4908507
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 HUFI-PUFI (original poster member #25460) posted at 3:14 PM on Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

TMqueen - I tried all of this and my BFF told me he just can't forgive me ever :(

There are many sad things that occur in the aftermath of an affair. Broken dreams, shattered lives, a loss of trust and faith between husband and wife. But in hindsight, it was all preventable. These are not acts of God that are capricious and random. No, these are the direct result of our actions and so, there is a matter of blame and responsibility attached to the consequences and that hurts.

Floridaredman - We all must suffer the consequence of infidelity, those of us who chose to stray.

I feel for you but as often said here on SI, the BS is the one that ultimately makes the choice, quite often unilaterally, on whether or not a second chance is granted. For some, infidelity is a deal breaker and no amount of wishing and praying can change that.

You need to continue with your healing for yourself, for possible future relationships regardless of what is happening in this relationship. Sometimes the pain and hurt is too great. Sometimes we can’t wave a magic wand and heal the broken heart. Sometimes, affairs kill relationships.

HUFI

It is what it is, it's not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is - LF

Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

posts: 3310   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2009   ·   location: Azilda, Northern Ontario
id 4908780
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WhatHaveIDone?? ( member #30054) posted at 11:52 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2010

Bump.

As always, thank you HUFI!

posts: 342   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2010
id 4925838
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lulykr ( member #29697) posted at 6:41 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

I showed this to my husband. Without expectations. He'll either get something from it or he won't.

It sure helped me though!

Thanks for this.

posts: 589   ·   registered: Sep. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Gainesville FL
id 4932971
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1985 ( member #28171) posted at 2:50 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2010

bump

Me-BH now 70
Her-fWW now 69 Still beautiful to me
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 5 grandkids

posts: 792   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest - large city
id 4943728
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Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 9:26 PM on Wednesday, December 8th, 2010

I wish I had found this earlier. Great advice.

Me

posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 4948946
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diminishingpain7 ( member #20072) posted at 6:45 AM on Thursday, December 9th, 2010

A BIG HUGE THANK YOU!!!!!! My FWS and I have been really struggling for some time because I am stuck, in the waiting/Self Control/Injustice/Inadequate/bitterness/idealizing phases. He keeps asking what he can do and at times I can think of things that I think would make me feel better, but then he does it and I still feel so empty. I have sent the link to him and I hope that it helps to give him some insight and ideas on what he is able to do in order to help me move forward. I so desperately want to move forward, but I feel so frozen in fear. I physically have a hard time getting myself off the couch some days and I want to remember what it's like to really laugh again.

Me~BW 32
Him~WH 35 OW#1 PA (no intercourse) OW#2 EA 6 mos
D-day 4/16/08
In recovery

Best post EVER ---> http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&AP=1&HL=

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2008   ·   location: not sure where I am...
id 4949735
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WhatHaveIDone?? ( member #30054) posted at 3:12 AM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2010

Bump for nohonor.

posts: 342   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2010
id 4957994
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fivemonths ( member #29331) posted at 9:11 AM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2010

Why have I only just read this?!!!!!!

I need to spend more time on here browsing.

What a brilliant read

Me-FWS
Her-FBS
A 3/2010-7/2010
R 7/2010 to date


You are my world, you always were

posts: 62   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2010   ·   location: England
id 4958219
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Textbook Case ( member #24977) posted at 10:22 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2010

bumping for a newbie

BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

posts: 2735   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2009
id 4981504
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Compost Heap ( member #30558) posted at 12:16 AM on Saturday, January 1st, 2011

This is gold and seems to hit on the truth for many BS's. The BS responses are a testament to that, so thank you HUFI-PUFI.

I have printed up two copies, one for me (WS) and one for BS. Maybe we can discuss it at some point after I reveal the PA in MC in a few days.

I cry and am so sad for my BS when I read this but I am also so grateful to have this road map for R, should I be granted the chance. It gives me an idea of the kinds of things I can actually DO proactively to help my introverted BS heal and maybe R for us. We'll see where the chips fall.

Thank you for this guide and for everyone who posts on SI. I have a lot of work to do for my BS and on my (rotten) self, but at least I have the beginnings of a road map, ideas on what to work on and read. There is a long, tough journey ahead.

Out of this rotting, stinking heap of garbage will hopefully someday arise a rich fertilizer for love, compassion, mindfulness and wisdom.

posts: 147   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2010
id 4986992
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NotBreakin ( member #7631) posted at 2:24 AM on Saturday, January 1st, 2011

Excellent post...

Reading it from the vantage point of several years past d-day and early recovery, my thought were...

YES, the description of the BS was me to a "T" in the days and months after the A...The best part of reading this post was realizing that it is NOT at all me anymore...All of that has healed and faded into history. I have regained all the parts of me that were so shattered in the wake of the A.

Also, YES, H (the FWS) did everything suggested in the post (not perfectly all the time)and it still all worked...We are still together, more mature, and most importantly, HEALED....

D-Day - Spring 2004
Healed! It does happen!

posts: 3002   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2005
id 4987140
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Mrs.Confused ( member #30485) posted at 6:11 AM on Saturday, January 1st, 2011

Thank you for sharing, reading your post is helping me to think more clearly about my situation.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. ~ Rose Kennedy ~

posts: 351   ·   registered: Dec. 21st, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 4987463
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MLCSucks ( member #29690) posted at 9:05 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2011

Great post. Thank you Hufi-Pufi.

So, what advice do you have for us BS that had a false R? I, myself, am moving on. No second chances here. I don't think it's possible for this person to be faithful anymore. :( What do you think?

[This message edited by MLCSucks at 3:07 AM, January 2nd (Sunday)]

Me 42
WH 47
Married 22 years
4 children (19, 17, 11, 9)
Found Out 8/3/10
16 mos+ EA (long distance) with a few PA's
TT (false R) 12/17/10 we are now headed for divorce. No more reconciling, no more counseling.
They met for lunch in 1993??

posts: 161   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2010   ·   location: California
id 4989160
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Lost68 ( member #27515) posted at 6:34 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2011

Bump

posts: 1476   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2010   ·   location: Sevilla
id 4989672
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