Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Wayward Side :
Things that every WS needs to know

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crushedhim ( new member #29099) posted at 5:23 AM on Thursday, August 5th, 2010

I have read this post several times and each time I get something new out of it. Thanks for this post for us WS. We need all the help we can get.

You say to sincerely apoligize. What do you do if you think the words I'm sorry are also a trigger?

WS
BS-crushedjsj

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2010
id 4727427
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MessedUpAndDown ( member #24367) posted at 8:32 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2010

crushedhim:

If you merely *think* the words "I'm sorry" are a trigger, then ask. Confirm it before either saying it again or omitting it from your vocabulary. If you learn the words are indeed a trigger, try a phrase that means the same thing but with different words, such as "I deeply regret..." or "I want to again apologize..."

If you are truly intent on finding safe words to express your remorse, you might say to your spouse, "I know the words 'I'm sorry' cause you to trigger and I want to do my utmost to prevent that. What phrase can I use to make you feel better instead of worse?"

This way you are expressing remorse and simultaneously acting sensitively to your BS's specific need. It's also a good way to resolve the issue together, making it a win-win.

Good luck!

Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: 16 years
DDay: 12-12-08 ~ S: 8-1-10
"If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then give up. There's no sense in being a damn fool about it." - W.C. Fields

posts: 164   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2009
id 4728569
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hurtmyspouse ( new member #29120) posted at 10:21 PM on Sunday, August 8th, 2010

What an amazing post. WH here and after reading this post, it sounds very much like every emotion my wife has felt (many times). I have already been following many of the suggestions, prior to reading this post. Unless a person has felt the hurt, betrayal and pain from ANY infidelity they can't begin to understand the continuous nightmare that their spouse is living. I am very grateful and blessed to have my wife by my side and will do everything possible to help her during OUR recovery. We have cried together many times and we are both committed to living our lives together. Both the BS and the WS NEED to read this post. Thanks again.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2010   ·   location: Indiana
id 4733474
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let it be me ( member #29103) posted at 9:10 PM on Wednesday, August 11th, 2010

Just read some new members cries in jfo ....

Told him about this and how much it served both myself and my WH in the first few days...

Bump'n it for the newbie...

Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

posts: 337   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2010   ·   location: Eastern NC
id 4738884
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wahoo8895 ( member #29244) posted at 1:09 AM on Thursday, August 12th, 2010

BH here

Do you think that 5 1/2 months after the A ended is too late to show this article to my WW? She's apologized and shown remorse but I sometimes think she is at the can't-we-move-on stage, and I'm sometimes not sure she totally understands my pain (I'm working with my IC to learn to express my feelings better).

Thanks.

Me - BH (51)
Her - FWW (50)
Married 20 years
Together 22 years
3 kids
DDay #1 - 12/8/09 (EA)
DDay #2 - 12/18/09 (PA)
A ended - 2/21/10
R'ed

posts: 560   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2010   ·   location: Metro DC
id 4739281
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strongish ( member #29259) posted at 4:00 AM on Thursday, August 12th, 2010

I'm fairly new to this (6 weeks since DDay) but when I found this post I sent my WH the link. He didn't read it for several days...really bad days....but he came home from his last IC session and was acting completely different....remorseful, reassuring me over and over that he would do whatever it took to reassure me. This morning we talked about how to handle it if the OW tries to contact him again and we agreed that if she did that I would respond. I though he would balk at that but he completely agreed with me that we needed to us v. OW. I asked him what the C said to him that "cleared the fog" and he said it wasn't so much the C as the link that I had sent him with the original post in this thread. Thank you to whoever wrote it! I really got through to my WH!

[This message edited by strongish at 10:02 PM, August 11th (Wednesday)]

posts: 490   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 4739527
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survivor girl ( member #21552) posted at 6:38 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2010

Do you think that 5 1/2 months after the A ended is too late to show this article to my WW?

It's never too late as long as there's a shred of hope for R.......

FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006

posts: 111   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2008
id 4740494
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RKT429SS ( member #28883) posted at 7:14 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2010

Do you think that 5 1/2 months after the A ended is too late to show this article to my WW? She's apologized and shown remorse but I sometimes think she is at the can't-we-move-on stage...

Greg, just look at page 5 with the response my wife gave me after sharing with her this thread. We were 4 months out then. Hopefully you will get the same positive, remorseful response from your wife as I did.

gl

Me - BS 38
Her - WS 37
MOM - coworker,with 2 kids, EA&PA approx. 6 mo
Us Married 10 yrs (together 15 yrs)
1 girl, 1 boy
DDay 3.15.2010
Working on R

posts: 217   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2010
id 4740568
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Maxiom ( member #26001) posted at 10:42 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2010

The "I'm sorry" isn't so odd a trigger I think.

I can trigger with a hug, though these days its far less frequent.

posts: 471   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2009   ·   location: Canada
id 4740991
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lostjem ( new member #29260) posted at 2:28 PM on Friday, August 13th, 2010

I just sent this to my WS and she broke down and said sorry to me at least 20 times over the phone. Perhaps she now gets it. Perhaps not.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2010
id 4741911
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Trying2Survive2 ( member #25758) posted at 1:35 PM on Saturday, August 14th, 2010

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

Amen to that..

Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

posts: 1376   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2009   ·   location: USA
id 4743640
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Lost68 ( member #27515) posted at 4:56 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2010

Bump

posts: 1476   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2010   ·   location: Sevilla
id 4759797
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obrian ( member #28871) posted at 6:18 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2010

Holy sh*t. What a valuable post. Good for anyone at any stage of this nightmare. Props to HUFI and original author. Thanks.

Me (BS): 38
Her: 37
Married almost 12 yrs (together about 19)
Kids: 5, 7
Dday: 6/22/10

posts: 119   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2010
id 4768909
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Kiki212 ( member #24434) posted at 8:00 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

bump... i am printing this out for my WH.

BW & STBXWH-both Mid 30's
No kids together, he has preteen D(visitation-no custody)
Multiple DDays- at least to me (see profile for the story)
Separating & Divorcing.

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2009   ·   location: half past the point of no return
id 4780325
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AttemptStrength ( member #27947) posted at 8:05 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2010

Bump cuz my H needs to read this as a refresher course.

BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.

posts: 1992   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2010   ·   location: Wisconsin
id 4795037
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Textbook Case ( member #24977) posted at 4:21 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2010

bump

BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

posts: 2735   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2009
id 4805113
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obrian ( member #28871) posted at 1:25 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

My wife talked with my MIL a couple of weeks ago when she told them we weren't going to her brother's house for Labor Day. it would have been a big trigger for me, as what led to my discovery of my wife's A were txts she sent while we were there the last time.

Her mom was like, "is he still holding a grudge over this? If he's decided to stay with you, he should just get over it." Whatever. Was extremely steamed about that... and will be for a loooong time. My wife sent her this post to show her what I'm going through. It went unanswered but it remains the best description of any BS's plight - bar none. Required reading for any WS or BS.

Me (BS): 38
Her: 37
Married almost 12 yrs (together about 19)
Kids: 5, 7
Dday: 6/22/10

posts: 119   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2010
id 4812361
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MessedUpAndDown ( member #24367) posted at 10:20 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010

obrian,

My first impression is that your MIL must be an LBD (Living Brain Donor). But only we who have experienced this first-hand know how it feels, and when we're in the throes of it, even we don't know how long it will last, let alone "should." Because there simply is no "should."

Nonetheless, your MIL's comment likely stems from ignorance, and a healthy dose of trying to "help" her daughter. Perhaps your W can advise her mom to remain silent rather than risk doing more damage to an already strained relationship.

I commend your WW for sending the post to her mother. That is one of those "actions" that signals R is very possible.

Good luck...

PS: There's an old joke that just might bring you a smile... (That's the intent.)

Q: What's the penalty for bigamy?

A: Two mothers-in-law.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: 16 years
DDay: 12-12-08 ~ S: 8-1-10
"If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then give up. There's no sense in being a damn fool about it." - W.C. Fields

posts: 164   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2009
id 4816103
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knutz ( member #28877) posted at 1:32 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2010

Bumping for newbies

Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

posts: 265   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2010   ·   location: New England
id 4840264
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1985 ( member #28171) posted at 5:18 PM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

bump

Me-BH now 70
Her-fWW now 69 Still beautiful to me
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 5 grandkids

posts: 792   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest - large city
id 4873848
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