Might be just me, but I get the sense that you're an attacher. Not a bad thing to be at all, but that you personally enjoy the deep connection that is part of a relationship. I am not a person that's capable of "dating". I'm an attacher too, like an octopus laugh If I am going to get into another relationship, I WANT a serious one, with shared goals and similar viewpoints. It is okay to want that (tho societal wisdom often says it isn't), I just need to make sure I find someone else who wants that too.
Meh. I rarely attach, but when I do, it tends to be for life like a penguin.
Let's put it this way, I am 45 and have attached twice in my life (which isn't much).
The first time, we were engaged and he died in an accident with me watching. I sat more or less alone, traumatised and crying for the best part of 10 years before really touching another person. I felt my entire life ripped from me in the flash of a second.
And the second time, I really thought I might have met "the one" and everything was going really great and then we ended up long distance for a period and he had sex with a 200lb lunatic. Again, I felt my entire life ripped from me in the flash of a second.
So I guess, with that summary in mind the vast majority of my adult life seems to feel like it's been sitting around crying and grieving for shit I didn't do. I don't feel like I have lived for the majority of my life.
So that's the sense of frustration in me because I (not being conceited) was beautiful once, and now feel less so. I was so healthy once, and now feel a bit broken. I was joyful once and now feel sad almost all the time. I feel like I am watching ME disappear.
After my fiancé died, when I eventually started dating again, I met some fun people and did some fun things (some of these ended up being good friends) but it still took three years to find someone I actually felt a connection to.
When I met exWS it was the only thing that had felt comfortable and right to me since what happened, and it was very slow to grow, slow moving but once I invested completely I was in 100%.
Maybe to some degree those factors played into the decisions I have made.
When someone you really love just dies in front of you, you would do literally anything to have a chance to have them back even for 10 minutes. So I think that was a lot of the reason I stayed. It was hard to give up that hope. It was bad, but he wasn't dead. that perspective changed a lot of the ways I have reacted.
I also guess on some level I didn't want my life story to be my life story. I wanted a happy ending for once. And knowing myself, I didn't want to grieve again.
I hope that explains a bit more about why I am me.
If I seem codependent it really isn't that. Most of my life has actually been spent alone, very carefully waiting for the absolute right thing instead of loosening up, and a huge part of the resentment and pain I feel now is for the waste of my life and my good years (I expect that feeling resonates for all)