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Newest Member: shouldistayorshouldigono

New Beginnings :
I do not need to warn her. I do not need to warn her.

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 nekorb (original poster member #40306) posted at 3:08 AM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

My nightmares that started during the A and divorce have never really stopped. And now asshat’s fiancé is in them as well.

Fiancé is not OW. The kids (all adults) really like her, she is good to them, and that’s all I really care about. I have no problem with her.

They are getting married this summer. I keep having this new version of my nightmare where I am supposed to warn her about asshat but can’t find her, etc. I’ve never met this woman and there would, realistically, be no chance of this ever happening.

It almost feels like girl code violation not to tell her. You know what I mean? I see her walking, unknowingly, into this NPD situation. But at the same time, I recognize this is not my responsibility. But, UGH - if she only knew what a covert narcissist was…

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5731   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 8782275
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Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 10:18 PM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

I hear you and understand 20000%. I'm in the midst of a divorce with a serial cheating narc whom my children have said "dads getting married the day your divorce is final" blush

This poor new woman has probably been told I'm the cheater and who knows what else. I don't see why a man who cheated likely for our whole 16 year marriage would even consider marriage so soon. Likely for a house keeper and a cook rolleyes

But then again he did date our whole marriage.

Once he moves I have seriously thought about sending STBXH's new wife a nice fat packet of "info" on him so at least she can watch for the cheating that's coming her way.

The last thing I need is for my kids to live 50/50 in another shit show of dysfunction with some mess once STBXH starts his cheating. He already has a FB that this OW doesn't know about.

Just to put things out there & I still run his company facebook I've posted his "secret" facebook just in case this OW is looking--I mean it does say SINGLE...I wonder if she'll see it and wonder why she didn't know he was on Facebook to start with.

It's SO tough to not want to warn someone so that we don't see them on this site---a really hard thing to keep and protect someone from ending up cheated on.

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8785439
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deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 3:52 AM on Monday, April 10th, 2023

Ok-devil’s advocate here: can you anonymously warn them so they know they are not insane later when it happens to them? They may not believe it now, but will definitely put two and two together later. There is the chance they will believe it now and run but I doubt it. It could be done anonymously, and even if they suspect you, it was still anonymous and there is no proof that it was you. If asked if you sent it or it happened, you could gently admit it did happen, but say other people knew about the cheating, etc. as well. If you send it anonymously, used third person terminology so it does not look like you. Just an idea…

[This message edited by deena04 at 3:53 AM, Monday, April 10th]

Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.

posts: 3316   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 8786389
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:22 PM on Monday, April 10th, 2023

My EXWW has Ben involved with a guy on and off since shortly after our S. It is a situationship. She assures me that she has told him the reasons for our D and that he is sympathetic and understanding. Did she? Well, he is pretty simpy and plays the KISA role for her, which she fully takes advantage of as she cannot manage the responsibilities of life very well. In fact, while she was away on vacation, he cleaned her condo for her. Like I said, pretty simpy.

She talks poorly of him when he is not around, and treats him indifferently when he is, which others have mentioned. Now, do I probe to see if he has a clear understanding of who my EXWW actually is. He is so thirsty himself, that I don't think it would make a bit of difference. He would politely thank me for my concern and then do precisely what he wanted, which is to mindlessly follow his core programming, which is to be attracted to damaged women. He does have a history there.

He is a grown man and she is a grown woman. If theyvwant to be healthy, then they need to get healthy on their own. Not my monkey, not my circus.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1784   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8786399
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:47 PM on Thursday, April 13th, 2023

I wouldn't advocate warning partners of my ex for this simple reason: at what point does it end?

Let's say you warn her and she breaks up with him. Then he finds another woman. Do you warn her, too? Where do you draw the line?

If she's a good person and she treats your kids well, then hope for the best. If her relationship goes south with your ex and she reaches out to you for information, you can tell her then.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1897   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8786721
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 10:55 PM on Tuesday, April 18th, 2023

What a quandry. I know what you are saying: it's like knowing river is streaming across the road behind you. You made it across safely by some miracle but you know there are deep dangerous waters. Do you stop and warn the driver of every passing car of the potential dangers or leave them to it, knowing they could make it across safely or maybe even unscathed, or they could drown. I know what you are thinking - I would put up a warning sign in that situation...

and I would too - don't you wish you could just attach a big sign to him, with some photos and other visual evidence to help the next ones? But alas, you can't. If you had any kind of relationship with this person I would say to say something - but as she is a stranger to you, any warning you give will likely be construed as sour grapes. I think Bluer's suggestion is a good one.

If her relationship goes south with your ex and she reaches out to you for information, you can tell her then.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:06 PM, Tuesday, February 27th]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2302   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8787425
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DroppedShoe ( member #80500) posted at 11:53 AM on Saturday, April 29th, 2023

You were raising kids together and you divorced him. That should be a warning in itself.

Let this be the lose weight kind of stress not the gain weight kind.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 9th, 2022   ·   location: Los Angeles
id 8788965
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 nekorb (original poster member #40306) posted at 2:28 AM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Thank you all for your thoughts! It is a quandary for sure. He kids and I have sort of a "litmus" in place. The fiancé and I work in the same place (HUGE place, very realistically may never, ever incidentally run into each other).

IF she and I ever meet AT WORK and she approaches me to introduce herself, that is my sign to say something. It’s stupid, I know, but it made all of us (me and the kids) feel better and like we were putting it in the hands of God/the universe, etc.

That said, my oldest already confronted him about some inappropriate behavior during this relationships and flat out told exNPD either he was going to tell fiancé about it or she would, because she deserved to know before they got married. He said he told her, but I’m sure we all know how THAT goes.

Anyway - not my monkeys, ultimately. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5731   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 8791968
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Maudlin ( member #70107) posted at 5:02 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

For me it’s my kids who want to warn her. They are adults, they like her- they cannot figure out why she is with him if he told the truth. The man couldn’t tell the truth with a gun to his head so it’s safe to say he didn’t. (Hookers, in a country with human trafficking issues…)

But I told them to leave it. It’s between them. She has to know about the cheating, no way she couldn’t, but I doubt anyone in his family or friends that aren’t mutual knows the real story. And while that sucks for her, it is NOT their responsibility. They have had enough terrible fallout from him, leave it alone.

I have no idea if I did the right thing, but it felt right. I hate that they have him for a father, but I can’t undo that. She seems nice, coming off a bad marriage herself, and I’m 100 percent sure his doe eyed progressive silver tongue makes her think he would never be the person he really is…until he is of course. Hell even he doesn’t think he is who is!

I hate him the most for what he did to his children.

posts: 170   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2019
id 8792433
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silverhopes ( member #32753) posted at 6:19 AM on Sunday, July 2nd, 2023

You're a good egg for wanting to warn her, nekorb. You are honoring the social contract of treating other humans with decency and warning them if there's danger (and the girl code, as you mentioned). I wish there were more people like you in the world.

Whatever you decide, whatever choice is healthiest for you, I admire that your first reaction was to look out for her.

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam.

posts: 5270   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 8797876
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JustForgave ( member #36038) posted at 4:17 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

You know, I wondered for awhile if I should warn my ex's significant other (now his wife for over a year.) They've been together (officially, once I moved out and they could have their affair in the open) for about 6 years now.

I didn't warn her at the beginning because I knew she wouldn't listen. I don't warn her now because believe it or not, I don't think he's going to pull the same crap with her.

As much as I hate to admit it, if I'm being objective about everything, he and I were just a HORRIBLE match from the very beginning even though we thought things were wonderful. When it went south and he wanted out, he went about it as if he was a middle-schooler instead of being an adult and suggesting a divorce BEFORE moving on. At any rate, I think this (one of several) woman he cheated with is a pretty good match with him. There's probably nothing to warn her about.

Even if there is, and he cheats on her, she shouldn't be surprised. And that's on her.

Hugs to you. smile

Me: 52
DD: 15

Learning to be me, again!

posts: 482   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2012   ·   location: Texas
id 8801688
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:44 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

No one warned me. And I probably wouldn’t have listened anyways.

Anyone who dates somebody with a history should be intuitive enough and smart enough to protect themselves. Blindly trusting is for those who live in a bubble. I think the due diligence is on her part. Not yours.

If people know your story they can share. I have shared very little with his friends and family. But they all know. My silence is really because I love my kids.

I think the caveat I would make here, is if he was violent. I think then you should be sharing that information.

Oh, the continued gifts and dilemmas infidelity presents

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 1:17 AM, Monday, August 28th]

To be redefined

posts: 2205   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8803577
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:10 AM on Monday, February 19th, 2024

Bump.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3326   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8825226
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 nekorb (original poster member #40306) posted at 2:36 AM on Tuesday, February 20th, 2024

Thanks everyone!

Just wanted to give an update. I still have not met the new wife (no specific reason one way or the other). She continues to be wonderful to my kids and they love her. My oldest DD said if the ex fucks this up she’s done. She will have a mom and a stepmom and call it a day. lol

It seems the ex’s NPD is starting to leak out slowly and the new wife is getting a glimpse of who he is. Example: DD was looking at the wedding pictures with new wife and EX came home (he hadn’t seen them yet). He started gushing about how fabulous they were. New wife had received the pics about a week earlier but had not shown anyone because she looked awful in nearly all of them. DD sadly agreed with her - it was almost like the photographer went out of his way to find every unflattering angle and lighting, didn’t take pics of her with her sisters (wtf!), etc. DD said the whole album was "The EX Show". Multiple photos of him, his groomsmen, him, his family, him, him, him. You get the idea. It was so bad the photographer even offered to get her and her sisters back together to take some pictures of them.

DD and new wife had been discussing this when Ex arrived home and started gushing over the pics. New wife looked at DD and said, "I don’t think he’s even noticed…".

Correct, new wife. Because it’s all about him.

I feel bad for new wife. She has no clue what she has gotten into…but, such is life.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5731   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 8825320
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:00 AM on Tuesday, February 20th, 2024

I'm glad the kids get along with her. That makes things easier for to guys.

I feel sorry for her, too. She sounds like a decent human being. Narcs suck.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3326   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8825323
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:02 PM on Wednesday, February 21st, 2024

I’m in agreement with many who say "the new wife or OW wouldn’t listen if I told the truth".

I can only tell you that when I was 20 I met a guy. He was it! Six months of a wonderful relationship. Until his sister in law had the guts to tell me he was a serial cheater and cheated non-stop.

This guy said his wife cheated in him. Turns out he cheated in her. His last live in GF was a crazy jealous psycho. Turns out he cheated on her.

I was smart enough to listen. I ended that relationship that minute. Except it took him a few days to figure out I had not called him and he was wondering why.

Simple answer: you already have another GF and it’s over with us. Good bye.

So even if someone won’t listen doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. You just don’t know. I would sleep better knowing I tried to warn them than having done nothing.

But that’s just me.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13862   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8825453
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Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 10:18 AM on Saturday, February 24th, 2024

My nightmares that started during the A and divorce have never really stopped. And now asshat’s fiancé is in them as well.

This upsets me.

Why?

Because you should
be dreaming about how handsome I am, and then have that dream ruin with a really really dry (wet) fart joke.

And I know some folks are thinking 'who does he think he is to dictate what I dream about?'

To those folks I have an answer.
Dreams falls under the authority of the night vision fairy corporation, and as chairman and majority stakeholder by rights of the "deathfart beneath sheets of 2003", most operations of this corporation fall under my purview.

Therefore, nekorb, you WILL have a dream about at fart or fart-related phenomenon within the next 72 hours or I will the planetary body of uranus to support immediate takeover of the odor of your mattress.

Compliance is mandatory.

Resistance is futile.

[This message edited by Notthevictem at 10:19 AM, Saturday, February 24th]

BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer

posts: 13491   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Washington State
id 8825946
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Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 4:38 AM on Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

It's been 3 days, dreamed about farts yet?

BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer

posts: 13491   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Washington State
id 8826209
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 nekorb (original poster member #40306) posted at 1:12 AM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

LOL - no fart dreams YET, but G5 is a gassy, gassy man, so I’ve had lots of fart encounters in my waking hours! laugh

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5731   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 8826347
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Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 1:38 AM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

Probably need to meditate on the meaning of farts some then

BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer

posts: 13491   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Washington State
id 8826356
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