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Newest Member: Time2go

Divorce/Separation :
DD 2 was it...

Topic is Sleeping.
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 saditsover (original poster new member #82961) posted at 3:35 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Where do we even start...

Been married for 18 years to what I thought was the love of my life. We have 2 kids, a beautiful home and what I thought was a wonderful life.

How wrong could I be...


DEC 10th, after waking early saw my wifes iwatch on the kitchen counter. Been having some weird gut feelings about her activities over the previous months...more botox, more revealing outfits, always on her phone and even changes to her bikini waxing routine.

Looking at the watch i starting scrolling thru her messages...found a thread with one of her good (divorced) friends. The discussion W/photos talked about my wife's new boyfriend, pictures of them together and all sorts of terrible stuff. Dumbfounded, shocked I confronted her about this guy and she came totally clean. She desperately pleaded for me to do marriage counseling, therapy and offered deep regret.

So I tried. It wasn't easy but hey everyone makes mistakes right? and we had so much to lose...I set clear boundaries, requested certain things and tried to get over this painful revelation. I lost 25 lbs (from 185 to 160) in a matter of 30 days. Went on all sorts of anti anxiety medication and sleep aids. It was the worse feeling of pain I have ever experienced.

But it looked like we had chance, weekly marriage counseling where she said all the right things and showed great remorse.

How wrong could I be again...

Fast forward to Friday, 2/27/23...walked into our bedroom and she discreetly hide something under the covers with a weird grin on her face...I peeled the covers back and next to her leg was a 2nd phone, a burner phone. She quickly snatched it up and began frantically deleting things. I grabbed it out of her hands, most of the messages were deleted but i checked the call log. That day we had marriage counseling and immediately afterward she had called her affair partner. His number is burned into my brain and I noticed it right away. She then snagged the phone out of my hand. I saw what i needed to see...however my 12 year old son heard the commotion and has known what his mom was up to the last time this went down grabbed the phone out her hand. She wrestled him to the ground and they were fighting over the phone. You haven't seen rock bottom till you see your poor son fighting his mom for her own burner phone. a disgusting image i will never erase from my memory bank.


So here we are now...she is pleading again for me to not divorce her. That she loves me so much etc etc

My attorney hasn't called me back yet but plan on filing as soon possible.

How can someone you spend almost half your life with be so destructive?

Its just baffling. I don't even feel pain anymore but more of a sense of relief. and mainly Just pity for her and her future life of chaos...

posts: 11   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023   ·   location: FL
id 8779593
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:15 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

What a horrible story.

My heart breaks for your son. He will probably need therapy to heal from his mother's betrayal,and that she physically fought him for the phone. How is she treating him?

You're doing the right thing. Since she did such a good job of faking remorse, you would never know what was real,and what wasn't.

Does the other man have a wife? Please tell her. She needs to know.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6624   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8779615
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 saditsover (original poster new member #82961) posted at 5:54 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

It is seriously horrific my son was involved in this manner.

Earth shattering type stuff for a kid. I plan on getting him into therapy asap.

barf

posts: 11   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023   ·   location: FL
id 8779627
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 7:05 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

oh my god, I'm so sorry your kiddo had to be part of this. Something similar happened to my oldest when she saw messages from my WH to his AP. Thankfully it was never a physical skirmish, as I would have killed my WH if he had laid hands on my child.

How you describe your WW as she hid her burner phone gave me chills, and not the good ones. Between that and physically fighting your son for the phone... I think you have nothing to work with and you're posting this in the right forum. Feel confident knowing you are saving yourself (and your kids) from more future DDays.

Take care of your son and get him into counseling ASAP.

I'm so sorry.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 49 Him (WH) 52 Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 335   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8779642
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 8:18 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

So sorry you're here and so sorry for your son. Infidelity has been the worst pain I've ever experienced, too. It does get better, but it takes time to heal.

My hard boundary was no inappropriate sexual contact with another person, and my XWH crossed that line. He confessed in our MC session, and I told him I was done.

There's more grieving to go through as you realize that you're headed for D, so the emotional roller coaster will continue for awhile.

Please be kind to yourself.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3280   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8779653
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 saditsover (original poster new member #82961) posted at 8:42 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Update 1:

She still is claiming that she had no contact with her AP on her burner phone and sent me 100s of texts from work today about her love for me and family. She said I could look thru the burner phone all I want.

I asked to see the Burner Phone Bill and Text/Call Logs.

Been pretty quiet on the texting since that request, lolz...but she did say she would show it to me.

This will be fun to see how she tries to weasel out of this one.

Grab your popcorn.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023   ·   location: FL
id 8779656
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 9:03 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

So what’s the reason she would have a burner phone?

Curious as to what that answer is.

You saw her deleting. She was wrestling with you both for f@&k’s sake.

If you are moving on there is no need to argue but she better understand she can never lie again.

She literally cannot work on the marriage while holding secrets. That’s probably one big reason she could not let go of the AP.

She needed to show you those messages.

Take the phone from her and tell her you found a professional to go through it and see what she says.

Also tell her you have already scheduled a polygraph and see what she says.

Or don’t bother and just divorce.

Or investigate it like I said while you are divorcing.

You’re handling this well despite the shit sandwich you have been handed.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

posts: 169   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8779662
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 saditsover (original poster new member #82961) posted at 10:13 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Confused282

I have no idea how to reply to a post on this website but here are some answers.

She said she got a burner phone cuz I turned off her phone service the first time I found out about her AP. I did do this. LOL. Might do it again.

There's definitely no need to argue about anything.

Definitive evidence just makes this horrifically difficult decision even easier. I have been seriously waiting for a reason to pull the trigger since DD 1.

Morbid curiosity to know everything is also at play.

Either way I am fine, have money, can easily replace her if need be. Just want that closure all us cheated on CHUMPS want and never get.

It really sucks, not gonna lie, but I am 1000% better off mentality then I was after DD1 and ready to go to war if need be to protect my children.

[This message edited by saditsover at 10:24 PM, Monday, February 27th]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023   ·   location: FL
id 8779676
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 11:14 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

DDay 1 and SI helped me so that I held firm on my boundary and went for D on dday 2. The pain was not nearly as intense, mainly because I knew I was DONE!

Some people don't recognize the gift of R. It's still a process to detach completely and let go, but life does get better on the other side.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3280   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8779685
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 saditsover (original poster new member #82961) posted at 1:41 AM on Tuesday, February 28th, 2023

Update 2:

So far no phone bill or call/text logs provided.
Now the answer is "I talked to him a few times"

There you go.

Answer received...I talked to him a few times means clandestine rendezvous and "it" never ended.

The path forward is clear now, wish me luck.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023   ·   location: FL
id 8779704
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:09 AM on Tuesday, February 28th, 2023

There is peace in the clarity of knowing what you need to do.
And I am so sorry your wife fought your son for the phone. My XWH physically fought me over his phone- unreal to even think about now.
Do get your son counseling. Her behavior with him is unforgivable.

Take care of you, take care of your son, and get your ducks in a row.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5898   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8779710
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Never2late ( member #79079) posted at 6:08 PM on Tuesday, February 28th, 2023

People that are able to lie to you about an affair to get what they want are SURPRISINGLY able to lie about R if they get what they want (stay in the marriage).

Who woulda thunk it?

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8779821
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 1:12 AM on Wednesday, March 1st, 2023

Time to file for D. Do it for your son. You are modelling for him what he should expect from his relationships. So far you are handling a very tough situation extremely well....

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:19 AM, Wednesday, March 1st]

posts: 853   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8779913
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shewp ( new member #82644) posted at 3:16 AM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Did you ever get the logs?

posts: 22   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8780414
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 saditsover (original poster new member #82961) posted at 1:39 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Update 3:

She won't provide call logs and still has the burner phone. no idea if she is still in contact w/ ap. maybe, at this point just worried about kids.

Gave her 2 options (she selected option 2):

1. Divorce

2. R again but this time iron clad PN and some other financial asset reassignments


she begged on knees for option 2.

So will get that stuff done with my attorney and see if she will put her money where her mouth is.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023   ·   location: FL
id 8780460
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:13 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Why give her options?
You have already made it clear that in your eyes you would be a CHUMP to reconcile.
You have stated that reconciliation isn’t possible.
You have stated that you can easily replace her.

So why even offer reconciliation?

Why are you gathering proof for what you already state is known? It won’t affect divorce, custody or anything like that.
You already have an attorney.
File. Get it over with.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12285   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8780485
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 saditsover (original poster new member #82961) posted at 2:56 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Why give her options?
You have already made it clear that in your eyes you would be a CHUMP to reconcile.
You have stated that reconciliation isn’t possible.
You have stated that you can easily replace her.

So why even offer reconciliation?

Why are you gathering proof for what you already state is known? It won’t affect divorce, custody or anything like that.
You already have an attorney.
File. Get it over with.

Because its about protecting the kids and their future inheritance. If possible.

I don't care about anything else at this point.

Not gathering anymore evidence, don't need too.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023   ·   location: FL
id 8780506
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 8:49 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

SIO

Is protecting their inheritance worth giving up your happiness over? IDK how old your kids are, but they’re going to model future relationships based upon what they see in their home. How mommy can cheat and lie and all they have to do is shed a few crocodile tears and everything is "alright".

Another thing to consider. From what I’ve read here., post nips are often no enforced by the courts. Principally because they view post nips and being agreed to under duress.

A saying I’ve read here countless times which you should consider. If someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

Me -FWS

posts: 2100   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8780648
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:38 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Gently, I think you need to protect the kids from their cheating mother. She wrestled her son for her phone? That's abuse.

I don't often visit this forum, but your wife is full of sh*t.

She's shown you twice who she is, please believe her.

BTW, I'd insist on the call logs. Non-negotiable. She's been cheating right under your nose while you were living in hopium that she somehow was remorseful and changed.

Is this other guy married?

posts: 12113   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8780666
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 9:49 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

I am sorry, @saditsover, but you are making an ENORMOUS mistake.

Your WW not only cheated on you, but she has shown an astonishing ability to keep betraying and deceiving you. And your are offering her R..while there is EVERY indication your WW's affair is still happening.

Good grief man, she wrestled YOUR SON for her AP!

What is even worse is that you are even lying to YOURSELF. To protect your children's inheritance....you realize that you can do that in D, right. More important, you cannot put a price on what your children are witnessing seeing you backtrack like this. YOU ARE LETTING YOUR KIDS DOWN.

posts: 853   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8780669
Topic is Sleeping.
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